It's about to hit the fan

[Gogglepox]

My H works away during the week and comes home Fri-Sun. I have posted before about him being EA.

To keep the family together we agreed to move (we have two girls 2, 5) to the city of his work (still in the UK). I got a new job there (a better job than previously actually!) and start at the end of July. We've rented out our London house and I am taking our girls on holiday back to my country for a week whilst the house move happens (H and his parents are organising move whilst we're away).

We are in the middle if buying a "home for life " in the new city. It is gorgeous ( but a large mortgage) and would be idyllic for the kids. Proper family home.

The catch? Through issues with my H , me seeing a counsellor and feedback from my friends about my H (I posted before about this), I'm about to tell my H on Saturday that I don't want to buy the dream house because that will not solve our problems and it would just lock us in financially . My H will be angry, scared, sad and more angry. I'm smashing to pieces his perfect family, but it's far from perfect for me.

I am also telling him that the girls and I are still moving to the new city (for my new job, they're in a good school and to be nearer their F ) but we're renting a house just for me and the girls. I'm seeing some places on Monday to hopefully choose before we go on hols so we have somewhere to come back to because otherwise we're homeless! (My H has been put up in a one bed flat for his job).

Everyone is going to be in shock (his parents - who I love ) and H and our friends. But I can't see another way. I'm not in love with him anymore, he's isolated us from our friends ( they don't want to be around him and he embarrasses me with his arrogance ) and he speaks to me and the children awfully but he doesn't even realise it. We already had a chat about how unhappy I am but he hasn't changed to make things better. A friend staying with us said she thought he had actually regressed and she confessed that she wanted to tell him to get off his fat ass and be a father...but she but her tongue.

I'm scared about the impact on our girls and moving from a large house to a tiny rental and without daddy.

Thank god I work FT to be able to afford it but it will be tight to begin with.

I feel like I wake up to a nightmare every day and think it will work out in the end but similarly to other posts here , I feel guilty that I am turning everyone's lives upside down. H also has told me I am selfish to consider splitting up the family when we spoke about it before.

I have only told a couple of friends about my plans, the rest will be in shock. I'm juggling so much : house move, job move and now relationship break up. Originally I thought I would plod along in the relationship because there was only so much I could juggle but the house move pressure has forced my hand to make a drastic call on that too.

I'm trying to be pragmatic and organise everything but I'm shit scared moving away from my friends and what I know but on one hand it's also a fresh start for me.

I will need my PIL to have our girls for a bit over the summer whilst I sort out childcare. They love the girls so should be fine but they'll be devastated that I am doing this.

I'm nervous about the chat on Saturday because he always out argues me and turns things around and makes it my fault. My counsellor said I should put a time limit on the talk and go out with a friend after to decompress.

I guess I am posting to get this off my chest and to see if there is anything else I should be thinking about?

He is still wanting to control you OP - can you not see that?

Hup, I wasn't referring strictly to you. There were a number of posters telling her she should consider staying with him and working it out for the children's sake.

Gogglepox

Oh, sweetheart. I really feel for you.

I think you have been and are being amazing. You are trying to consider everyone in this.

I don't think for a minute that I am in any way able to offer you advice about your situation, but I would like to say this.

I think ultimately you have to do what is best for you, emotionally, financially etc.

If you feel that strongly that your relationship is over, maybe it would be best to proceed with your original intention of moving somewhere with your girls ?

As much as DH wants to support you, if he really means it, he could do that whilst you lived separately, couldn't he ? You don't have to be in the same house to do that ?

Perhaps he feels it would give him time to demonstrate that your relationship is worth saving ?

Ultimately, there are plenty of posters who will be better placed to help you, and those who will comment and offer opinions. But it has to be your decisions, that you are comfortable and happy with.

I wish I could offer better/more constructive advice.

As before, I wish you all the luck and happiness.

xxx

He is still controlling you -exactly this. Do not let him undermine your confidence. You can manage -his way is far more stress. If he cares for you he would support you without the condition of the shared flat. Fuvk that

Groovedaddy is it that hard to imagine that a person can be so fed up with living with someone that they much rather be on their own?

Ups sorry had not refreshed thread

In my view, that's his first response to the situation. In the next few days, as he assimiliates what you are saying, he may have a new perspective.

As indeed may you.

Yes, you are taking on a massive undertaking - new job, new house, new schools, bewildered children, single life.

That's huge. Not undoable - but not easy either.

However, I agree that his first response may lesson that enormous undertaking you propose to make. However, it may also open up a can a worms: what happens if after six months, you or he, don't want to split. I suspect it will postpone a few things, but ease up on others. That may work for you.

However, it may just string out what is always going to be a massive upheaval for everyone concerned.

I suppose what I'm saying is: I haven't got a clue what the best decision is!

However, I fear others are right: if you go along with his solution, then he'll be reasonable. However, God forbid it, if you don't.

So you think about you, what you know you can cope with and run with it.

You said it yourself OP "you were looking forward to a fresh start" and it did sounds like that from here. There was a hint of excitment.

His idea might be good on paper, and reasonable, but not necessarily the right one for you. Certainly it is the right one for him (out of a studio flat, into a more confortable one with family). It will also mean it will be more difficult for you to move out again. And more confusing for the dc.

To me it sounds like the move of someone that knows he has only one left. He knew that if he kicked off you'd have signed the contract to the new flat there and then. And a way to keep the dw from going is that one of mentioning what's good for the dc (see groovedaddy). But remember, It is easier to move back in together than move out, 's all I am sayin'.

But Ultimately you know him and how he works. Just listen to your heart and your instinct.

I wouldn't move in with him. I'd get the changes over in one fell swoop. After 6 months he will be saying the girls are still new here, stay another 6 months. You'll just be settled in your new job and have to be house hunting again.
I'd also look outside for support/sounding boards, he might be good at corporate politics but to understand yours you'd presumably be giving him regular updates. It might give him false hope that you're still interested in him, or could be seen as 'using' him, I don't know.
If the relationship is over move forwards doing what is best for the children and yourselves. Good luck.

It is a big undertaking, but don't forget that you thought you could manage it before you talked to him. Has it become a larger undertaking over the course of the evening, or is it the same? It started as new house, new job, new city. What has actually changed in that?

If your stbx is being so reasonable that would make it an easier undertaking for you, surely? Not a harder one where you need to live together in order for you to manage it.

Don't lose belief in yourself, is all I'm saying.

Op your original post mentions arrogance, your last post is full of it from him to you.

Basically you can t do this on your own let me manage this transition for you, looks better to outsiders then, he has shifted the control all the way back to him and your in danger of letting him do it.

Bloody hell he's very good isn't he ?

There's no reason he can't be supportive of you whilst living in separate houses. That's what phones and email are for. I think it's great that he's taking it calmly and I'm not 100% sure he's doing it to control you. Perhaps he realizes deep down that you are right and that you two are better off apart. Perhaps he's had a come to Jesus moment and wants to try to save the marriage. That also can be done whilst living apart.

Yes, it'll be a big change for the girls. But it will all be part of 'one change'. Not one change then another change 6 months later when either mum or dad moves out. Why put them through two periods of adjustment?

You already are a single parent all week. That shows how capable you are. I think you are about ready to fly on your own, but he wants to clip your wings. He is not ready for you to be free.

Groovedaddy I can see it now. You are just here to irritate and annoy. Nobody in their right mind woud say "his wise guidance" and "hardened kitchen feminist".

Still not funny

" he thought me handling all this change on my own would be very stressful (it will be). So he has suggested that instead of me and the children living on our own, that for 6 months we rent a place together to transition everyone to the city."

What a surprise! (not!)

Of course you can do it!

Do you have any friends/rellies you can call on at all?

I think that you are being over thoughtful by moving tbh.

Your IL will help you and he will be there too. Of course you can do it.

How on earth does Groovedaddy get the idea the op is still in love with her h from all she has posted? !

Dear Goggle - well done first step. From my own experience there will be lots and lots of steps in all sorts of directions. When i first told H I had a similar reaction. Very sad and devastated but 'if thats what you want, i just have to accept it'. From then I have had a constant bombardment from him about how unfair I am being as I have not given him a chance to make things right (bullshit) and he didn't know how unhappy I have been (really??) and how we owe it to dcs to try again. Please - Just 6 months and then I can decide. I have just had to continually say 'no' and the more I say it the better i am becoming. Is your H, on the whole kindly and supportive or is he one the whole a controlling bully with no interest in what is good and best for you and your dcs? Don't let this man take your bravery and power and capability. Don't hand it over. My H has asked where has this strength has come from - he has taken me for a weak person and I'm not. Nor or you, you're a mum.

Wishing you more strength (as you already have loads, keep adding to it, not giving it away)

Groovedaddy: seldom have I read such bollocks. Fuck off, will you, dear? Just fuck the fuck off.

who still needs his wise guidance ??? Do you think she cannot think for herself??

Groovedaddy, your kind of shite is what makes women not want men on Mumsnet, frankly.

Living together whilst separated is very hard. I think it can only work if both parties are respectful. Your H is not. He's EA.
I lived with my abusive H for a few months after telling him it was over. His initial reaction was sadness, contrition, pleading. Then trying really hard to show me he'd changed. He then ramped up the EA (and SA for good measure). It was honestly the worst time of my life, and all the time I was trying to keep things calm for the sake of the DC, whilst he was becoming more and more outrageous. Children can feel what's happening even if we don't tell them. A situation like that would be very hard for them too.

On the staged transition for the sake of the girls, I'm not en convinced that a sustained period of change would be better for them. Would they not be more secure in the long run knowing that their major changes are happening all at once then there will be no more and they'll have stability?

I rather suspect Groovedaddy has an agenda. With his relentless drive to discredit and undermine posters on here, inventing idiotic terminology like Kitchen Feminist (KF --ffs) when the term alone is sexist in it's use. On a predominantly female forum.

Don't men have kitchens where they live? Is the kitchen a 'Female Only Room? Are men not allowed in kitchens then? I'm confused.

What about Feminism, Aren't men capable of being feminists too?

I suspect that he is a GF (Goady Fucker) I can't see any legitimate, constructive or positive reason as to why he's here.

The move will be an upheaval, I really wouldn't plan in a second upheaval 6 months later just as everything is settling down.

If he wants to support you he can do it from his own place. If he wants you to seek couples counselling, and you agree (they do counsel to help amicable separations too) it's best for you, then you can do that living separately. If you want to be able to discuss office politics with him, you can do this whilst living separately.

You don't need to be living together for any of these things to happen.

He should support you and pay you a regular maintenance figure monthly (so give you the money, not pay rent and buy things on your behalf), for the dcs.

It's easier for everyone to know exactly where they stand from the start. If he stayed another 6 months, what would happen? Would you have separate rooms? Would you still be together? Would you tell the dcs? Would you be expected to lie about the relationship?

You do not have to compromise on this. This isn't a case of "I want a separation, he wants to stay together, so we'll meet in the middle and stay for x more months"

Because you know in 6 months he's still not going to "agree" that you should leave.