It's about to hit the fan

[Gogglepox]

My H works away during the week and comes home Fri-Sun. I have posted before about him being EA.

To keep the family together we agreed to move (we have two girls 2, 5) to the city of his work (still in the UK). I got a new job there (a better job than previously actually!) and start at the end of July. We've rented out our London house and I am taking our girls on holiday back to my country for a week whilst the house move happens (H and his parents are organising move whilst we're away).

We are in the middle if buying a "home for life " in the new city. It is gorgeous ( but a large mortgage) and would be idyllic for the kids. Proper family home.

The catch? Through issues with my H , me seeing a counsellor and feedback from my friends about my H (I posted before about this), I'm about to tell my H on Saturday that I don't want to buy the dream house because that will not solve our problems and it would just lock us in financially . My H will be angry, scared, sad and more angry. I'm smashing to pieces his perfect family, but it's far from perfect for me.

I am also telling him that the girls and I are still moving to the new city (for my new job, they're in a good school and to be nearer their F ) but we're renting a house just for me and the girls. I'm seeing some places on Monday to hopefully choose before we go on hols so we have somewhere to come back to because otherwise we're homeless! (My H has been put up in a one bed flat for his job).

Everyone is going to be in shock (his parents - who I love ) and H and our friends. But I can't see another way. I'm not in love with him anymore, he's isolated us from our friends ( they don't want to be around him and he embarrasses me with his arrogance ) and he speaks to me and the children awfully but he doesn't even realise it. We already had a chat about how unhappy I am but he hasn't changed to make things better. A friend staying with us said she thought he had actually regressed and she confessed that she wanted to tell him to get off his fat ass and be a father...but she but her tongue.

I'm scared about the impact on our girls and moving from a large house to a tiny rental and without daddy.

Thank god I work FT to be able to afford it but it will be tight to begin with.

I feel like I wake up to a nightmare every day and think it will work out in the end but similarly to other posts here , I feel guilty that I am turning everyone's lives upside down. H also has told me I am selfish to consider splitting up the family when we spoke about it before.

I have only told a couple of friends about my plans, the rest will be in shock. I'm juggling so much : house move, job move and now relationship break up. Originally I thought I would plod along in the relationship because there was only so much I could juggle but the house move pressure has forced my hand to make a drastic call on that too.

I'm trying to be pragmatic and organise everything but I'm shit scared moving away from my friends and what I know but on one hand it's also a fresh start for me.

I will need my PIL to have our girls for a bit over the summer whilst I sort out childcare. They love the girls so should be fine but they'll be devastated that I am doing this.

I'm nervous about the chat on Saturday because he always out argues me and turns things around and makes it my fault. My counsellor said I should put a time limit on the talk and go out with a friend after to decompress.

I guess I am posting to get this off my chest and to see if there is anything else I should be thinking about?

Gogglepox

I do hope you are OK.

Thinking of you.

Goggle, I hope all is well with you and so sorry your thread got derailed. If you feel like it, let us know how you are.

I wish you the best in whatever you decide.

Well it's been a surreal 3 days. I went to the new city to look for housing and it was utterly depressing. The rental houses there are appalling (I know I've just started) and it makes me laugh in a sad way that just 4 days ago we were going to buy our dream house there.

My H has been surprisingly supportive but I think it's because he realises that freaking out will not help he situation. As a result we have had a lot of calm conversations but he often asks me to reconsider.

Both his parents spoke to me too. They don't agree but are trying to help and be supportive to both of us.

I have assured everyone that I would never limit access to the children.

I still feel sick to my stomach that all this is happening but even when H asked if we could all live together to try it in the new city, I couldn't do it and said no.

It's a sad, sad time and it will be worse when we have to tell the kids. And we want to do that very carefully.

That's about it for now.

For what it's worth, I think that you've made the right decision Gogglepox. I think that living together in the new city would have given him the message that you will change your mind and he would either have spent the next six months in denial or trying to tie you to him so that leaving later would be much more difficult.

It's hardly surprising that his parents are not agreeable to this, and make no mistake, they will be supportive of him, not you, in the long run. So think carefully how you handle that relationship, as no matter how friendly and supportive they are, it's important to always remember that ultimately he is their son and they will come down on his side. I say this simply because I've seen it happen so many times, in my own relationships as well as those of friends.

I'd also recommend you still put aside whatever paperwork you need somewhere safe, as well as making sure you have separate bank accounts and make sure that he can't clean out your finances. Again, he's being supportive now, because he thinks he can win you around or he is hoping you'll change your mind. Once he reaches that realisation that it's over, he may get angry and it could get ugly. Protect yourself now so that you have what you need (birth certificates, passports, marriage licence, copies of pay stubs, life insurance, will, and so on).

Good luck in the search for a rental - I hope you find something suitable soon!

Goggle you are doing the right thing not renting with him. It would be harder to move out at a later date, also he may think he is getting a fresh start.

In 6 months you will hopefully be settled in your new house, new job and the kids in their new school. As others have said your husband can be supportive of you and the kids without you living together, if he chooses to, friends and family often don't live in the same street or house but they are still there to support one another.

Just keep your guard up, he may still think he can change your mind hence he is being nice and supportive showing you he is a reasonable man. This may change, (hopefully it won't).

I just wanted to offer some moral support. I know how it feels. Stay strong.

I'm not sure if the new city in question has been mentioned, if not, maybe some folks on here could indicate likely areas to consider renting in? Its hard to know where the 'right' places are in a new town.

Goggle, well done you for being firm. Stick with flat hunting, but would it be possible for you to buy something small?

You're doing the right thing. He will be on best behaviour at the moment. Be prepared for that to change.

(And thanks, AcrossthePond :) )

Thank you all. I know the areas I need to look in in the city so I just need to keep on it. I want to rent for now so I am not tied down and I can get my head sorted. Who knows, I may hate my new job or they may hate me!! Hopefully not because I don't need any more drama.

I would be able to buy later. Looking forward to going back to my country for the holiday to talk to my lifelong girlfriends.

That makes sense. I hope you find something soon and it all goes smoothly. Do make sure you have important papers etc. just in case things get nasty. Sort out bank accounts too.

Yes we already had separate bank accounts.

Brilliant. That keeps things simple. What about savings? Whose name are they in?

Morning, Gogglepox

Sounds to me like you are going about everything the right way, as others have said.

Stay strong, all the best.

The good thing is that you don't have to be too disheartened by the rental places as you know if it works out you can move on relatively easy.

If you have the money to consider buying then a stop gap in a halfway decent property will be good enough until you settle somewhat.

I absolutely think, in fact I KNOW you've done the right thing by doing this alone.

It's tough, of course it is. But it will be so worth it.

Hi Googlepox, How are you?

Things are ok. I'm off on holiday with my DDs soon and we will have moved out of our house (we were planning on renting it anyway once we moved to the new city) and I think I may have found a rental house in the new city.

Although things are all moving towards the separation, my H is very concerned about how ism going to position things to my / our friends... So VERY few people know yet. But those I have told have been very supportive which has been really nice. I want to tell some of my UK girlfriends but feel guilty because of him. I so want to tell my RL friends because I also feel I am being untruthful. Everyone is thinking we are moving to this new city for a wonderful life and they have no idea what is happening. They might be angry that I didn't tell them once they find out. But I also don't want to be the cause of gossip.

I can't wait to tell my friends back home for their support. I haven't even told my family (although we're not that close and they'll give rubbish advice!) I feel I have been very strong but as soon as it is out in the open I will feel a bit vulnerable.

I want it to be like in the movies where you sit around with a bottle of wine with your girlfriends and put the world to right but my H feels like it is a betrayal and I'll bad mouth him but I need my friends for support.

So he's still making sure he's controlling you?

It is none of his business who you speak to or what you say... and accepting that, and living by it, is the next step. To be able to do what YOU want, and live with the consequences yourself.

He feels you will badmouth him? Then you say 'I have no intention of speaking unfairly about you, but even if I did, it's not something you can or should control.'

Speak to your friends, family, whoever, as you wish. Your consideration is you and your children. Not his ego.

Seriously, just tell your friends. Welcome to the brave new world where you don't need his permission any more.

Are you moving to the rental house without him?

Yes, I am getting a place with my DDs and he is getting a separate place in the same city but close by so he has easy access to the children.

OP why are you so concerned with how HE is going to feel about you accessing support from your friends?

If your DD told you that she can't tell her friends about a breakup because her ex said he would be upset about how she's talk about him, what would you think? really??

you need support!
this man is SO controlling it's scary!!

Tell people. Your needs and wishes count too. If you want support by all means tell your friends and family. No need to slate your DH, just neutrally tell people you are splitting up.

Or you may find that once he deems it acceptable for you to announce it he has already undermined you with slanted disclosures to friends and family.

Opi mean this kindly. Stop letting him control you. Stop letting him call the shots. Do what YOU need to do. For you and the DC

Why do you need a letter saying you can travel with your children? I never have and my surname is different to my child's. Good luck with it all - stay strong.

Talking - you do often need a letter. If not they will call the other parent to check.