It's about to hit the fan

[Gogglepox]

My H works away during the week and comes home Fri-Sun. I have posted before about him being EA.

To keep the family together we agreed to move (we have two girls 2, 5) to the city of his work (still in the UK). I got a new job there (a better job than previously actually!) and start at the end of July. We've rented out our London house and I am taking our girls on holiday back to my country for a week whilst the house move happens (H and his parents are organising move whilst we're away).

We are in the middle if buying a "home for life " in the new city. It is gorgeous ( but a large mortgage) and would be idyllic for the kids. Proper family home.

The catch? Through issues with my H , me seeing a counsellor and feedback from my friends about my H (I posted before about this), I'm about to tell my H on Saturday that I don't want to buy the dream house because that will not solve our problems and it would just lock us in financially . My H will be angry, scared, sad and more angry. I'm smashing to pieces his perfect family, but it's far from perfect for me.

I am also telling him that the girls and I are still moving to the new city (for my new job, they're in a good school and to be nearer their F ) but we're renting a house just for me and the girls. I'm seeing some places on Monday to hopefully choose before we go on hols so we have somewhere to come back to because otherwise we're homeless! (My H has been put up in a one bed flat for his job).

Everyone is going to be in shock (his parents - who I love ) and H and our friends. But I can't see another way. I'm not in love with him anymore, he's isolated us from our friends ( they don't want to be around him and he embarrasses me with his arrogance ) and he speaks to me and the children awfully but he doesn't even realise it. We already had a chat about how unhappy I am but he hasn't changed to make things better. A friend staying with us said she thought he had actually regressed and she confessed that she wanted to tell him to get off his fat ass and be a father...but she but her tongue.

I'm scared about the impact on our girls and moving from a large house to a tiny rental and without daddy.

Thank god I work FT to be able to afford it but it will be tight to begin with.

I feel like I wake up to a nightmare every day and think it will work out in the end but similarly to other posts here , I feel guilty that I am turning everyone's lives upside down. H also has told me I am selfish to consider splitting up the family when we spoke about it before.

I have only told a couple of friends about my plans, the rest will be in shock. I'm juggling so much : house move, job move and now relationship break up. Originally I thought I would plod along in the relationship because there was only so much I could juggle but the house move pressure has forced my hand to make a drastic call on that too.

I'm trying to be pragmatic and organise everything but I'm shit scared moving away from my friends and what I know but on one hand it's also a fresh start for me.

I will need my PIL to have our girls for a bit over the summer whilst I sort out childcare. They love the girls so should be fine but they'll be devastated that I am doing this.

I'm nervous about the chat on Saturday because he always out argues me and turns things around and makes it my fault. My counsellor said I should put a time limit on the talk and go out with a friend after to decompress.

I guess I am posting to get this off my chest and to see if there is anything else I should be thinking about?

Goggle you made a massive stride yesterday, that was hard, we know.

His response is predictable, and indeed if the roles were reversed the reaction of trying to damage limit would be the same, i'm sure.

What you need now is consistency. Let the dust settle, but maintain the message 'I'm going to rent somewhere on my own'

His words dis undermine your resolve a little, you're wobbly, that's understandable. But now is the time to focus on where you want to be in a couple of months time, in 6m time, in a year. If you allow him to weaken your resolve, making the break in the future will be harder (not impossible though)

It makes better sense for you to rent your house for yourself now, and if things change in the future, you can reassess the situation and make more decisions then.

Renting a house for yourself is a thing that can be easily changed/undone if down the line you want to go back.

Moving wiht him and then moving out, when the kids are settled etc will be much harder.

Hold you nerve love. Trust your instincts. Take the space you need now, it'll help you work out what you want for your future.

Agree with everyone else. Hold your nerve. As a pp said, living together once you've separated will be hugely difficult. 6 months down the line if you want to move out, you will be accused of unsettling the children, "they've only just moved/settled into their new house/ you want to take that away from them". The only way you should move in together is if you're saying you'll give the relationship another go. Personally, I would say that adding "living with the husband you've told you want to leave" will be adding 100 fold to your 'new city/ new job/ new home' stress, not reducing it.

no, don't move in together, then you have to get him out of the house, which he'll probably refuse to do, so you're back to square one in 6 months time.

Just pick a place that he can easily get to/from with the DDs for access, you will make new friends and build a support network as a single mother, rather than as part of a couple, then all your new friends feeling stuck in the middle when you then officially split up.

Plus you won't make it a home, you'll be marking time. He has his own flat now, you get your own place, then move on from there. No him moving out of the flat just to go back in it.

Oh and as others have said, only move him back in if you want to give your marriage another go, but if you really think it's over, then don't keep treading water for 6 months, and actually it's rather cruel to him to give your DH home that you are going ot get back together just to throw him out again in 6 months time.

Get the split done, all in one fell swoop if you are certain that's what you want. Anything else gives false hope which will be horrible thing to do.

He may be trying to help and support or he may be trying to control you but the issue here is you thinking you can't manage all the changes on your own. YOU CAN. I am a great believer in that when you have been through hard times and had children you can pretty much anything and it is generally other people who make you feel you can't..

Oh and just to reassure you, everything you're planning on doing? I did it completely alone with 3 dcs. It was a liberating and positive experience. New job, new home, new life. With no support at all.

It really is doable. You can do it.

You don't know if he has had a wakeup call and will try really hard to change, or if you stay, be Mr Nice for a while then revert to Mr Nasty (with the added nastiness aimed at you for daring to try to leave).

If this were me, I would do the living apart as a trial, with a very clear picture outlined to him of what would need to change for it to be reversed.

With distance, you will have the space and perspective to see things more clearly and to think about things. Any warning signs can be seen clearly - not creeping/slipping back to previous behaviour.

Just before i disappear in a puff of sulphur and a crack of lightning...may I ask how many on here are in happy loving relationships? People, like me who come here for advice need to know.

What advice are you here for Groovedaddy? Cos chances are you're not an expert either...

Many of us here are in, or have had healthy loving relationships. Some of us in earlier times may not have had, or have been products of the 'staying for the children'

Mumsnet isn't for everyone, there are other parenting websites available.

A tip though, if you're here needing advice, best perhaps to listen, understand/process before calling people names cos it challenges your (seemingly flawed) understanding of relationships.

If you're here to listen, learn, try something different, or challenge your own thoughts (may be that these thoughts are confirmed too, rather than debunked) then this will be a rewarding and worthwhile experience for you.

Groove, I think you want pity for how your marriage isn't perfect, and a pat on the back for "staying for the dcs". Well, you're not going to get that. Plenty of us know how damaging "staying for the children" can be. Modelling poor relationships for your dcs to copy as adults, is one reason. Unless you are affectionate and loving despite your issues.

I don't know what your problems are. They may be minor, they may be fixable, but you are projecting your decision onto the op's.

Leaving a marriage is hard. It is never a decision made lightly.

Either your marriage is workable, in which case not relevant to the op, or it's broken down and you're staying any way, in which case you're not the best person to give advice, because you need some.

I am very happily married. Does that make my advice more or less valuable?

Cake:

xx

Groove - happily married, been with DH for about 13 years, but have dated controlling fuckwits in the past, and had the good sense to get out...

I think the OP does need to just get on with it, dragging splits out doesn't help anyone. I don't see the point in 'staying for the chidlren' nor do I see the point in delaying what you have realised is the inevitable. I'm a 'rip the plaster off' type.

groove, I've been with DH for 7.5years. We are in a very loving, supportive relationship. However, what message would I send to my dcs if the relationship was abusive but I stayed?? That a woman is for walking over and has no self respect and that abusive relationships are normal.

No go away(like you have threatened many times) and leave us who wish to support someone's life choices.

Groove- everyone has to make their own decisions. You apparently have decided that you are going to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of your children. That is your decision, and I respect that. If you came on MN with a post asking for help in living with your decision, I and many others would offer advice even if we disagreed with you. But OP has decided that that option is not for her. Because she's already tried it. Do you think she woke up one morning and said "Alright then, I'm done with this". Of course not. She has been unhappy for some time, and has come to the sad decision that it is now time to call quits. Just because what she has decided may threaten your idea of 'what is right' is no reason to be ugly to other posters here. Many of us (myself included) have left bad marriages for a myriad of good reasons. Other posters have made the same decision as you. It's not a 'one size fits all' world. And believe me, love is not always enough to stay in a marriage. I 'loved' my first husband. But if I had stayed, I very likely would be dead now.

You have a right to state your case as far as why you feel OP should try to work her marriage out. But she has already made up her mind. So if you cannot support her after stating your case, then it's time you bowed out of this thread.

As far as my marital cv; DH and I have been together over 26 years and have raised two fine young men, the eldest of whom recently married himself. Further, DH and I went through a very rough patch years ago in which I told him we either got counseling or I was leaving. We were able to save our marriage with much hard work. But that option is NOT for everyone. There, am I 'qualified' enough to offer OP my advice and support?

Well done Groove. You've done a great job if detailing a thread with a MNer who us in need if urgent help. Making it all about you. Which I suspect gratifies you greatly.

OP how are you? Hope you got some sleep and have a plan in place. Believe in yourself. You can do this without him. In fact, you might be surprised how much easier it is without him

My ghast is actually flabbered reading this thread.

Op, it would be a massive mistake to rent with this man. Strike out for independence now and avoid getting sucked back in.

Fuck off Groove and start your own thread. This isn't about you.

OP please don't sign a joint lease and move in with him. He will aeon the next 6 months getting you so entangled, guilt tripping, using the kids and messing with your head that you may find it impossible to get out.

Do you really want to spend the next 6 months sleeping next to this man? Every night?

This is the perfect time, go for it, you can do it.

Goggle, I hope you've had a good day today and that h is being respectful.

Chris, don't kick yourself. I responded, too. But the GF was trying to deliberately undermine OP's confidence in her decision. It needed to be reinforced to her (by responding to him without goading him back) that her decision was the right one.

But I hope he's now happily off playing elsewhere, without trying to undermine anyone else!

Gogglepox, hope you're OK today and dh is behaving well and respectfully towards you.

Please believe in yourself and your capability, which is so obvious to us.

This is what you wrote OP:

he's isolated us from our friends ( they don't want to be around him and he embarrasses me with his arrogance )

MaryWestmacott is spot on with this:

you will make new friends and build a support network as a single mother, rather than as part of a couple, then all your new friends feeling stuck in the middle when you then officially split up.

If your "D"H has his way, he'll keep you in the first state of isolation so you can't reach the second state of having a support network.

Do things his way and in 6 or more months' time you'll be in a harder place than you're in now and you'll be looking back wondering why you stepped back from what you're instincts were telling you to do.

your not you're. aargh!

My advice is to start in the new city as you mean to go on: living without your husband.

Oh love, well done for having that step and having that awful first talk with him.

I do wonder if his attitude will change as it sinks in, it sounds like the actions of a man desperate to buy a bit more time somehow, anyhow.

But whatever you do, don't be persuaded into a situation that's harder for you to get out of- this is supposed to be a step forwards, not back

Gogglepox how are you?