It's about to hit the fan

[Gogglepox]

My H works away during the week and comes home Fri-Sun. I have posted before about him being EA.

To keep the family together we agreed to move (we have two girls 2, 5) to the city of his work (still in the UK). I got a new job there (a better job than previously actually!) and start at the end of July. We've rented out our London house and I am taking our girls on holiday back to my country for a week whilst the house move happens (H and his parents are organising move whilst we're away).

We are in the middle if buying a "home for life " in the new city. It is gorgeous ( but a large mortgage) and would be idyllic for the kids. Proper family home.

The catch? Through issues with my H , me seeing a counsellor and feedback from my friends about my H (I posted before about this), I'm about to tell my H on Saturday that I don't want to buy the dream house because that will not solve our problems and it would just lock us in financially . My H will be angry, scared, sad and more angry. I'm smashing to pieces his perfect family, but it's far from perfect for me.

I am also telling him that the girls and I are still moving to the new city (for my new job, they're in a good school and to be nearer their F ) but we're renting a house just for me and the girls. I'm seeing some places on Monday to hopefully choose before we go on hols so we have somewhere to come back to because otherwise we're homeless! (My H has been put up in a one bed flat for his job).

Everyone is going to be in shock (his parents - who I love ) and H and our friends. But I can't see another way. I'm not in love with him anymore, he's isolated us from our friends ( they don't want to be around him and he embarrasses me with his arrogance ) and he speaks to me and the children awfully but he doesn't even realise it. We already had a chat about how unhappy I am but he hasn't changed to make things better. A friend staying with us said she thought he had actually regressed and she confessed that she wanted to tell him to get off his fat ass and be a father...but she but her tongue.

I'm scared about the impact on our girls and moving from a large house to a tiny rental and without daddy.

Thank god I work FT to be able to afford it but it will be tight to begin with.

I feel like I wake up to a nightmare every day and think it will work out in the end but similarly to other posts here , I feel guilty that I am turning everyone's lives upside down. H also has told me I am selfish to consider splitting up the family when we spoke about it before.

I have only told a couple of friends about my plans, the rest will be in shock. I'm juggling so much : house move, job move and now relationship break up. Originally I thought I would plod along in the relationship because there was only so much I could juggle but the house move pressure has forced my hand to make a drastic call on that too.

I'm trying to be pragmatic and organise everything but I'm shit scared moving away from my friends and what I know but on one hand it's also a fresh start for me.

I will need my PIL to have our girls for a bit over the summer whilst I sort out childcare. They love the girls so should be fine but they'll be devastated that I am doing this.

I'm nervous about the chat on Saturday because he always out argues me and turns things around and makes it my fault. My counsellor said I should put a time limit on the talk and go out with a friend after to decompress.

I guess I am posting to get this off my chest and to see if there is anything else I should be thinking about?

He's taken the kids out for lunch (didn't invite me though!) so when he comes back and we put the little one for a nap, the other in front of a loud TV I'll pluck up my courage.

Lots of luck. You are behaving very considerately. It will always be very difficult.

Good luck

I don't mean no disrespect to any woman who had had to endure. However I am just advising caution. I have watched too many of my friends children go off the rails because of a marital break up..and at the end of the day we were put here to sacrifice our happiness for our children if we have any. To put oneself first when the children are not in danger is wrong.

I think that a child brought up in a 'family' where the parents loathe/hate/mistrust/ each other and argue/snipe/ignore each other causes far more issues than a family unit that breaks up with as little aggro/anxiety/fighting as possible.

The OP has arrived at this point. Yes, point out alternative strategies, points that may encourage her to rethink her thoughts and plans etc - if by doing this it reconfirms her thoughts and plans, then that's great. If it makes her reconsider her strategy/road ahead, that's great too.

I'm one for 'keep trying, give it a fair crack, try to work things out' but there is a point where you arte flogging a dead horse ans causing more harm by trying to give the marriage the kiss of life.

And remember, often you hear your friends biased version of events. You rarely hear 'I was a bully/abuser/arse and so s/he left me'.

Groovedaddy

What are you on ?

Children are potentially more damaged by having to live with parents who are unhappy.

Children do NOT go 'off the rails' just because of a marital break up.

OP is clearly unhappy and has made hr decision.

If you cannot read the op, offer constructive advice and try to understand, I suggest you leave the thread.

OP

Good luck with telling H today. (hug)

I wish you luck and happiness in the future.

xxx

X posts, nicename.

I'm sending tons of good thoughts your way! I wish I had done such amazing planning before I left my first husband.

Btw, please don't be very upset if his parent's become very cool to you. My in laws loved me like a daughter, until I left their son.

Sending to you OP and my best wishes.

Groove, get a life, nothing like a man scorned.

All I can say is good luck with your new hopefully happier life. x

Good luck OP, I hope you feel stronger after telling him and that his parents are a support (for both him and you).

I am sorry to be the voice of reason, restraint, reflection and self-sacrifice.

I should just go away shall I..and leave posters to it?

Yes.

Bye.

You aren't the voice of anything.

You just like the sound of your own.

:-(

xx

Groovedaddy: you're not being the "voice of reason, restraint, reflection and self-sacrifice" or anything else you choose to mention. You're being totally irrelevant and a bloody nuisance. Please just bugger off

Oh do feck off and grow a pair.

:-( xxx

Oh fgs

Hint.

Its [ sad ] no spaces for sad face.

Gawd, Ehric don't give him an extra kiss.

He'll think you're making a pass it him.

I think OP would be mad to take the advice of some ppl on here who seem far too bitter, angry and thwarted to be objective.

With such a powerful vein of kitchen sink feminism pervading society its no wonder us men are being held to such tyranically high expectation in every facet of life.

We are human too, remember. And we can be very sweet and loving and kind and useful. Or have posters forgotten?

SIGH

Blah blah blah...

Sorry, what ?

Someone who is emotionally abusive isnt sweet, loving blah de blah though are they?

Good luck op.

What is kitchen sink feminism? I've never heard that before?

Anyhoo, noone makes a decision like this lightly, so its unfair to poke the finger at them. I wonder how many women have stayed with a partner on the advice of 'don't rock the boat for the sake of the babies' and ended up beaten or worse?

It's silly to think that all marriages are worth saving. It's like believing that all dogs are lovely, soppy mans best friends (then refuse to believe stories where one rips the face off a child).