It's about to hit the fan

[Gogglepox]

My H works away during the week and comes home Fri-Sun. I have posted before about him being EA.

To keep the family together we agreed to move (we have two girls 2, 5) to the city of his work (still in the UK). I got a new job there (a better job than previously actually!) and start at the end of July. We've rented out our London house and I am taking our girls on holiday back to my country for a week whilst the house move happens (H and his parents are organising move whilst we're away).

We are in the middle if buying a "home for life " in the new city. It is gorgeous ( but a large mortgage) and would be idyllic for the kids. Proper family home.

The catch? Through issues with my H , me seeing a counsellor and feedback from my friends about my H (I posted before about this), I'm about to tell my H on Saturday that I don't want to buy the dream house because that will not solve our problems and it would just lock us in financially . My H will be angry, scared, sad and more angry. I'm smashing to pieces his perfect family, but it's far from perfect for me.

I am also telling him that the girls and I are still moving to the new city (for my new job, they're in a good school and to be nearer their F ) but we're renting a house just for me and the girls. I'm seeing some places on Monday to hopefully choose before we go on hols so we have somewhere to come back to because otherwise we're homeless! (My H has been put up in a one bed flat for his job).

Everyone is going to be in shock (his parents - who I love ) and H and our friends. But I can't see another way. I'm not in love with him anymore, he's isolated us from our friends ( they don't want to be around him and he embarrasses me with his arrogance ) and he speaks to me and the children awfully but he doesn't even realise it. We already had a chat about how unhappy I am but he hasn't changed to make things better. A friend staying with us said she thought he had actually regressed and she confessed that she wanted to tell him to get off his fat ass and be a father...but she but her tongue.

I'm scared about the impact on our girls and moving from a large house to a tiny rental and without daddy.

Thank god I work FT to be able to afford it but it will be tight to begin with.

I feel like I wake up to a nightmare every day and think it will work out in the end but similarly to other posts here , I feel guilty that I am turning everyone's lives upside down. H also has told me I am selfish to consider splitting up the family when we spoke about it before.

I have only told a couple of friends about my plans, the rest will be in shock. I'm juggling so much : house move, job move and now relationship break up. Originally I thought I would plod along in the relationship because there was only so much I could juggle but the house move pressure has forced my hand to make a drastic call on that too.

I'm trying to be pragmatic and organise everything but I'm shit scared moving away from my friends and what I know but on one hand it's also a fresh start for me.

I will need my PIL to have our girls for a bit over the summer whilst I sort out childcare. They love the girls so should be fine but they'll be devastated that I am doing this.

I'm nervous about the chat on Saturday because he always out argues me and turns things around and makes it my fault. My counsellor said I should put a time limit on the talk and go out with a friend after to decompress.

I guess I am posting to get this off my chest and to see if there is anything else I should be thinking about?

How did it go OP? Sending positive thoughts your way x

Good luck gogglepox. I am in a similar situation and have realised that STBX will never accept the break up is any of his fault, but that is ok. It's not worth getting locked in an argument about that side of it.
Stay focused on the actual telling him about the split.
Good luck

Good luck. It will be a tough conversation. Best wishes.

Hope you managed it OK and he didn't react too badly; also hope his parents are kind to you about it. Good luck over the weekend.

nicename since you ask I'd be happy to explain

Kitchen sink feminism is where ordinary women, who do not describe themselves as feminists, fight to reconcile the joys of their (agreed) domestic role, with the occasional temptation to free themselves from the responsibilities of that role....even though they accept it could mean hardship for themselves and wider family. Serial monogamy is the result of kitchen sink feminism..pointless, circular.

I do hope you are OK, OP.

Sorry for derail.

groovedaddy In the kindest way possible, I'd recommend you take a step back and think about getting some counselling.

Actually just to be devil's advocate here I kind of get what Groove is saying, I don't necessarily agree with it but I do understand. The OP says she had a 'chat' with her H and he didn't change. Whilst it is her right to do as she pleases I do believe some people do quit too easily and then suffer guilt and bitterness afterwards... What about counselling or mediation? A trial separation? The OP mentions her guilt, and this could eat her up.
As for kids not being damaged, mine is totally screwed up by his dad leaving.

I don't agree with what Groovedaddy has said, or how he has said it.

I do think Hup has a point, though. It is just untrue to say that children are not damaged by their parents splitting up. Some are, some aren't, depends on many factors.

I hope it goes as well as it can do goggle, fwiw I think you're making the right decision but that's irrelevant because the only opinion that matters is yours

And just in case I get accused of being a 'kitchen sink feminist' I have nothing to do with the kitchen sink- my DH does all household chores and he is in no way verbally emotionally or physically abusive, he is a decent reasonable loving man and that is the sort person everyone deserves. Bollocks to settling for a miserable life just because you don't get beaten every day

OP, Have you thought that your H might just want/need some of the stuff that is in the house?

He won't be living in a bedsit forever.

Nowhere has anyone said children are not damaged by parents splitting up.

It was just pointed out that it can be just as damaging for children to be in an environment where parents are one or both very unhappy, living with hate, despair, anger, and all the other feelings and emotions that can occur in a relationship, when one partner or both feel it is breaking down.

The OP isn't smashing up a perfect home, but an emotionally abusive one. I would not recommend anyone to sacrifice themselves, or indeed their children (because the children sense the instability, the moods, the harsh words) for this.

Its about damage limitation, and I can't see how a parent can't consider the kids as an important factor. The oft bandied phrase is 'for the sake of the children'.

In most cases, they are what we parents consider - they are at the start of their lives and what we do will shape their future lives and relationships. If I were married to a sexist bully, them my greatest fear would be that a daughter of mine would find herself in the same story which for her would be 'normal'.

There was a thread a while ago about how the children felt growing up with parents who hung grimly onto a failed marriage. I think the concensus was that where there was hostility, lack of affection, point scoring, animosity, arguments, 'atmospheres' etc, the kids were well aware of the score and grew up to feel that they would have preferred a break, if possible.

Several people have said "the kids will be fine" or "happier". My exh said that. DS been diagnosed with severe depression after attempting suicide. He is 10. You cannot assume kids will be fine, which is why I suggested OP may wish to explore other avenues to try and repair the relationship rather than throw it away - my exh is totally eaten with by guilt that he caused this.

I should just go away shall I..and leave posters to it?

Er, yes.

What's the matter? Couldn't your girlfriend keep it in her pants? Shame. You seem like such a catch.

Wow. Let's just pour the guilt and angst on the OP then.

You can pull out anecdotes of children that are distraught and depressed after their parents separated. Someone else can pull out anecdotes of children that are distraught and depressed because their parents didn't separate and the verbal/emotional abuse moved on to include the children as well.

The OP asked basically if she was thinking of everything she would need to make the separation go smoothly as possible. She didn't actually ask if she should consider reconciling.

I think that those that are advocating staying with someone who is emotionally/verbally abusive perhaps has not actually lived in that situation. It is soul destroying, not just for the abuse victim, but for the children as well. And often it is not just the partner that receives the abuse, but the children as well. It is not just a situation where you can "suck it up" and deal with it. I am appalled that you feel it's okay for a person to have to live like that, or for the children to live in a situation where they are exposed to that every day.

groovedaddy , you are missing the massive point, the OP is already leaving her DH, she has decided this and came onto the boards for support. We have not made her decide to leave, the OP has already decided this, and listed some of the reasons why she is leaving.

It is not for you to judge if the reasons given are good enough. Her reasons are valid and real to her. The OP is leaving her DH, your sniping and moral questioning will not change her mind.

F4J are in tonight then?

Any update OP

Hope it's going OK OP.

I grew up with parents who argued all the time. Well, from my perspective, my mum shouted at my dad all the time and I had already decided that I wanted to live with my dad when they split. They never did. They are still together now and she still speaks to him like he's a naughty child. I partly blame growing up in this environment for my awful first marriage. I didn't have any experience of marriage being a happy place. I didn't therefore realise that my relationship was destructive and dysfunctional until I finally got the strength to get out and saw it from the outside. It didn't help that my xh was manipulative and abusive but outwardly charming. It wasn't until I met my second husband that I realised how amazing it was to be in a loving relationship where both parties genuinely love, cherish and appreciate each other. I'd not had any experience of that before. As long as both parents still see the children and talk openly to them, it can be much better for the children for them to split and be bought up by happy parents rather than in a cold environment.

Groovedaddy, with respect love, the only one who's coming across as scarred and bitter is you.

OP has agonised about this already, and it is the right decision for her, and as a consequence, for her dc.

Growing up seeing their dm miserable in her relationship with their father for their sake will rack up more therapy bills than a managed split.

Alice I wasn't saying she should stay - the OP says herself that she feels guilty, I was just suggesting that she may want to explore other avenues before leaving, if she feels guilty now.
The example of my son was in Response to another poster who claimed that nobody on this thread had said that children would be fine .. I pointed out examples of posters saying this, and from experience as both a mum and a high school teacher not all children are "fine".
I hope the OP does what is best for her and her DCs - my exh certainly wishes he had done things differently seeing the damage done to our DS.

Oh and Alice having lived with a man who was both physically and emotionally abusive I think I know the damage done. (Not exh). Do not assume to know every poster just because they don't agree with you - if you have read my comments you will see I am onside with the OP

Thank you everyone for your comments. I spoke with H this afternoon and ongoing into the evening when we could catch some time alone. His parents are here but he/we haven't told them yet.

Understandably H is sad, angry etc and feels I haven't given him a chance or been willing to try to work things out. He says I've made up my mind without discussing anything with him which wasn't fair. I see his point but to be honest I am so shut off from the relationship I can't and don't think it can work. My issues with it are too fundamental.

He was hurt that I was already looking for housing and did offer to help because he wants to make sure we are in a nice house in a nice area. (He knows the city better than me).

He is devastated about losing me and the girls and for this I am sorry but I did say that I wanted to still move to the new city so he could spend more time with the girls and see them even during the week when he picks up or drops off at school. I am trying to make this as smooth as possible if there is ever such a thing.

However he raises a good point. I am moving to a new city with new schools and my new job. He said, with respect. he thought me handling all this change on my own would be very stressful (it will be). So he has suggested that instead of me and the children living on our own, that for 6 months we rent a place together to transition everyone to the city. We then take a call if we then move out and establish ourselves separately.

I don't think this is a ploy but concern that too much change for everyone will be too stressful.

On one hand I agree and I would like his support when I start my new job (he is very good at corporate politics) and we could plan more what we tell the children but on the other hand I was looking forward to a fresh start and feeling like "new city, new life" but maybe I am taking on too much in one go: new city, job, schools and house.

My H has been pretty reasonable under the circumstances and there is no issue with me taking the kids on holiday next month without him but I know he is dying inside but in my heart of hearts I cannot see us together.