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Original poster

Ex has done something horrific.... wwyd? Warning, graphic. ***[Edited by MNHQ STRONG WARNING - POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING]***

305 replies

MoonshineWashingLine · 22/06/2014 21:52

I am horrified, ex-p has hospitalised some poor girl he's been sleeping with. They were having very rough sex and he has severely damaged her insides. I get the impression this is someone he has been meeting up with specifically for rough sex so it was consensual and entirely accidental. He is mortified and has spent the whole night and day in hospital with her.

We have only been split up for 4 months and he's been sleeping around loads. It doesn't bother me but we also have a 2yo dd together so I have to prioritise her.

He is already having counselling and anger management and has just been told by his therapist to go to the gp regarding sex addiction.

Wwyd? I am in shock. I don't know what to do for best. I have to know what happens with it all so I can make decisions regarding him seeing dd but I don't want to get too involved. The whole thing makes me feel a bit sick :(

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 23/06/2014 12:28

Fideleny: I was referring to suggestions that she phone up the hospital, etc.

FellReturneth · 23/06/2014 12:34

Well yes, SGB he either did it, which makes him horribly violent , depraved and abusive or he didn't do it, which makes him a weird lying controlling fantasist with a violent sexual fetish. Either way, not great.

hellymelly · 23/06/2014 12:41

Absolutely FellReturneth.

FabULouse · 23/06/2014 12:50

This reply has been deleted

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Milmingebag · 23/06/2014 12:50

You only have his word it was consensual and from what you have said his grasp on reality is questionable.

Go into a police station and report the crime. You can say he has anger issues/watches violent porn etc and you are concerned this wasn't consensual as the woman has been hospitalised as a consequence. She could be unconscious or traumatised for all you know and unable to report it herself.

Contact social services and alert them to this crime.

Get hold of a solicitor and get a restraining/non molestation order in place to protect yourself and your child.

trufflehunterthebadger · 23/06/2014 13:10

The medical professionals will already have put safeguarding/police enquiries in place regarding the woman, all hospitals have policies and procedures in place. Op does not need to try and kick start a police enquiry. I suspect that an investigation will already be underway, whether this is for sexual offences or for GBH without intent.

Discussions on consent are totally irrelevant as nobody on this thread knows whether the injuries have been caused by accident or deliberately.

SolidGoldBrass · 23/06/2014 13:12

And nobody knows whether any such incident happened at all. If it did, police and HCP will be taking care of the poor woman. If it didn't, it's possible that the OP could be putting herself in exaclty the position the man wants. IE, if he's clever enough, he could be planning to have her report this 'crime' which never occurred so he can then claim that she is a malicious liar trying to cause trouble for him...

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 23/06/2014 13:36

Can anyone explain the process SS will go through? I don't know how these things work. I was thinking I might call 101 again first and demand that they record what happened to me, rather than the incident itself. The woman I spoke to last night seemed like she thought i was wasting her time and wanted me to get off the phone :/

OP posts:
lowcarbforthewin · 23/06/2014 15:09

I would be appalled if the police don't press charges. The poor woman, she must have been in terrible pain. SS need to take this seriously too, he can't have contact with your child.

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 23/06/2014 16:24

He is now trying to arrange to see dd as if nothing has happened... that's weird isn't it?

I said I didn't think we had arranged anything and I will let him know. Should I ask him about the girl?

OP posts:
Fideliney · 23/06/2014 16:34

Did you speak to SS? I think you need some support.

Has he rung or texted? Can you just ignore?

Fideliney · 23/06/2014 16:37

I'm not sure 101 is the way to do this Moon, you are likely to get a similar responsee. You are trying to discuss a sensitive situation in which you were not the primary victim, they are not really geared up for that.

Deathraystare · 23/06/2014 16:38

Christ Moonshine - has he forgotten what he told you????

I agree with Milmingebag - you only have his word it WAS consensual.

Either way you want to think about it - he either did hurt her very badly in some way or it is a lie - why? to get back in your house?

Either it was consensual or not - either way it ended badly.

Even if it is a lie you say he has been violent and has been harassing you. Even without this latest episode - he is clearly a danger and you should get proper advice on this.

If he asks again about access - just say you will get back to him. He clearly has already bounced back. Try to ignore his calls/texts for a while until you have got as much advice as you can. If he then comes face to face with you in th emeantime - just say you are still trying to digest what he said and you are shaken up.

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 23/06/2014 16:43

Not a lawyer but think it unlikely OP would be charged with perverting the cause of justice re the shower.

If this goes forward, OP might be asked to make a statement on what she was told and what her xp'd actions were.

TheHouseatWhoCorner · 23/06/2014 17:47

Don't ask him about the girl.

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 23/06/2014 18:12

Tried to call ss but couldn't get through. Not sure if I had the right number.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 23/06/2014 18:21

You really, really need to concentrate on excluding this man from your house and your life. Because this story about the woman he injured may be complete bullshit, and even if he has assaulted someone, all you have to go on is what he told you, and no evidence. So, for the moment, focus on getting (eg) non-mol order which keep him out of your house and prevent him harassing you with texts/phone calls. As he has shown himself, repeatedly, to be abusive and manipulative, you need to get contact formalized ie that it takes place away from your house and at set times and - if you possibly can arrange this_ it's supervised by a third party.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/06/2014 18:34

I used to be involved in the BDSM scene, and know a number of people who are far more heavily involved than I ever was.

A lot has been said here about consent, and I think it is worth pointing out that consent is only one part of the BDSM mantra - the full thing is safe, sane and consensual - and in my experience, the safe and sane parts were considered to be equally important, and over-rode consent - so one couldn't give consent to have something unsafe done to,you - the examples of whipping until a parson's back breaks, or putting them into handcuffs and leaving them to starve - no-one could give valid consent to this.

Nb - it didn't work in reverse - you always need consent, even if what you are going to do is safe and sane.

ThatVikRinA22 · 23/06/2014 18:36

if you cannot get through to SS then call the NSPCC helpline - they make referrals and i am betting it would be quicker.

i agree with SGB. whether its true or not he has shown himself to be the kind of person i wouldnt want to be around.

the police wont really be able to record any crime because you are not the victim. you can raise concern but i cant see what they can do unless the victim or hospital report.

btw - who ever said you can be charged with pervert the cause of justice is being plain silly. you cant and wont be involved in his crime so dont worry.

dont sit and passively wait fo things to happen. call the NSPCC helpline and they will refer on to SS if you dont have their number. google it.

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 23/06/2014 19:30

Been chatting to my DM and she doesn't think ss is the best route. She think just sticking to unofficial supervised contact will be best and if he has a problem with that he can go through the courts.

I have emailed him and told him this. We did this when we first split up as he was behaving irrationally and I was fearful of him. Now I am terrified of him all over again so back to sqaure one.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 23/06/2014 19:30

I am going to ring womens aid later though.

OP posts:
OnlyWantsOne · 23/06/2014 19:38

Jesus

I don't know what or how you can do to achieve safety for your child other than phoning SS. I seriously urge you to do so and persevere.

nilbyname · 23/06/2014 19:42

You are minimising this and living in la la land.

Fideliney · 23/06/2014 19:45

Moon you need the weekend's events on official record from your POV. And you need proper advice.

Vicar's suggestion of NSPCC helpline is a good idea.

Wouldn't it be better if you didn't have to have phone and email contact with him at all? Something is going very wrong with boundaries if a man tells you she has hospitalised a woman through rough sex and you then let him into your home to have a shower. You sound intimidated by him.

AnyFucker · 23/06/2014 19:48

Your mother is wrong

While you "unofficially supervise" this madman's contact with your children he is still able to control you

As evidenced by this weekend's events

Has this taught you nothing ?