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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex has done something horrific.... wwyd? Warning, graphic. ***[Edited by MNHQ STRONG WARNING - POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING]***

305 replies

MoonshineWashingLine · 22/06/2014 21:52

I am horrified, ex-p has hospitalised some poor girl he's been sleeping with. They were having very rough sex and he has severely damaged her insides. I get the impression this is someone he has been meeting up with specifically for rough sex so it was consensual and entirely accidental. He is mortified and has spent the whole night and day in hospital with her.

We have only been split up for 4 months and he's been sleeping around loads. It doesn't bother me but we also have a 2yo dd together so I have to prioritise her.

He is already having counselling and anger management and has just been told by his therapist to go to the gp regarding sex addiction.

Wwyd? I am in shock. I don't know what to do for best. I have to know what happens with it all so I can make decisions regarding him seeing dd but I don't want to get too involved. The whole thing makes me feel a bit sick :(

OP posts:
Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 23/06/2014 22:19

Don't you have to go through the courts to get supervised contact in a contact centre?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/06/2014 22:20

You are not listening to us, love

You are still dancing to his tune. It seems you know little else of what to do about it.

Take the advice on your thread would be a good start, but already you are downplaying and dismissing it, instead listening to your mother who very probably is part of the problem

AnyoneForTennis · 23/06/2014 22:20

Look, just block his number?

Part if me thinks you are enjoying all the attention. And a bigger part of me is wondering if this is all as you say it is

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 23/06/2014 22:25

I am waiting for WA to call me back, just left them a message.

AnyoneForTennis I think you will find everything is exactly as I say it is here and if he moved to the other side of the world and i never had to see him again I would rejoice for the rest of my life.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/06/2014 22:26

The thing is, you can make that happen. Metaphorically. But you seem to be sabotaging yourself.

FanFuckingTastic · 23/06/2014 22:34

Stand up to him by stating that you want no contact whatsoever regarding anything except his daughter, and that through solicitors letters and maybe an email address only.

Continue this by informing the police on 101 that you are being harassed by your violent abusive ex-partner, that you have set some strong boundaries, and that you are concerned he will continue the harassment. They should log this and give you a reference number.

Then keep a diary with all and any kind of contact from him, dates, times and content. Copies of emails, photograph text messages, record any telephone contact, write down the rest. If he becomes threatening, or does not respect your boundaries, call 101 and log it. Call 999 if you believe you are at risk of immediate harm.

Do not give way, do not feel like you have to do anything other than that. It is up to him to organise contact with your DD and it will be done through appropriate channels to ensure yours and your daughter's safety.

I read this horrified! I am well aware of rough and consensual kink, but it would never ever result in this, this was assault, he is a bad man and there is no excusing what he has done. There are many misogynists who use BDSM as a cover to abuse women, any decent man would never have ended up in this situation. So shout about consensual all you like, this would never be okay.

bellediva · 23/06/2014 22:40

Why are you dealing with him at all? He was abusive towards you and has now seriously hurt his current sexual partner. He is not the sort of person you need around your child. Change your mobile number!

At 7am you spoke of calling SS and nearly 12hrs later you say you couldn't get through/didn't have the right number.

It really isnt that hard.

You and your child come first. Call SS tomorrow and they will advise you and ensure its on record. They wont take your child because her father is no longer in your house, and calling them shows you are putting her first and are protecting her. Stop minimising his actions and do what you need to. He is a vile human being and you need him kept at a distance.

AnyoneForTennis · 23/06/2014 22:44

STart by blocking/deleting his number?

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 23/06/2014 23:17

Yet again I can't sleep for fear he will turn up at the house :(

OP posts:
Lweji · 23/06/2014 23:23

Can you lock the doors inside?
If you haven't changed locks, at least get a bolt or a chain.

Alambil · 23/06/2014 23:24

moonshine, if he turns up, call 999 straight away.

take a charged mobile phone to bed with you if you have reliable signal or a landline - lock all the doors and windows and keep a clear route to the bathroom

Well done for ringing WA - that's a massive step.

Alambil · 23/06/2014 23:27

(the bathroom is for if he gets in, you can lock yourself / dc in there with a phone)

I'm not trying to be alarmist, but it needs saying frankly - especially after watching bbc3 tonight

FanFuckingTastic · 23/06/2014 23:29

What can he do, realistically? You don't let him in, and call the police if he doesn't go away. I used to live in fear, but I had to let it go as it was consuming me. I was just sure to always close all windows, lock all doors, and have people call me before they came so I knew who was at the door.

Other than that, I just had to trust the police would sort him out, which they reassured me they would do in a meeting I arranged via 101 to report the harassment and previous domestic abuse situation. My house was placed on watch for call outs die to these circumstances.

If you have taken these precautions, worrying is counter productive. You lose sleep, feel like shit, and the bastard wins? Nah! Zero tolerance, be safe, report him every time, and if that doesn't stop him look into a harassment order, or a non-molestation order, both of which mean he gets arrested every time he breaks the order.

Boudica1990 · 23/06/2014 23:40

Try not to worry, I lived with this fear for months. My exh was physically and emotionally abusive he ended up being removed from our home by a fire arm squad for brandishing a knife. It is horrible, I remeber not sleeping for days and constantly checking the front andrear gardens multiple times at night. My house is still on a fast response register after over a year.

But please stop worrying. If you see him dial 999, he is unlikely to break a window and climb through. So please check all your doors and windows are locked. Take a phone to bed, and try and relax. Please it will do you no good to stress.

heyday · 23/06/2014 23:42

I guess a lot of the very violent pornography that is in constant supply could be partially to blame for this. Perhaps it was a sexual act that they both thought would be a bit extreme and exciting but never end up like this. He may well have inserted an object into her such as a bottle.
I hope this can be a very serious wake up call for both of them.
You are being very kind to him and all credit to you for being so but please don't get too involved. This is his mess and he needs to sort it out. I would seriously limit the time he sees his daughter until you can be sure that he is in a better space than he is in right now.

SuchSweetSorrow · 23/06/2014 23:48

Yes, exactly as Lewisfan said.

Do try and get some sleep.

Pinkwoman · 24/06/2014 00:04

No her insides didn't just tear a little bit (as if that's ok). She was in resus = he was that close to killing her.

Pinkwoman · 24/06/2014 00:05

Bolded for emphasis, not quotes.

Kleptronic · 24/06/2014 00:08

Moonshine. Your daughter needs you to protect her. Right now you are not in a position to be able to objectively decide if her father is safe for her to be alone with. Let a social worker decide. They will look at it from an objective, child protection point of view, and your actions in asking for help on this will be rightly seen as you having done the responsible thing to ensure your DD's safety. Please don't be afraid. Put your daughter first and tell the NSPCC and/or Social Services all you know.

FellReturneth · 24/06/2014 00:49

This doesn't make much sense to me.

Either he lied and wildly exaggerated what happened to her at the hospital when she was taken in, or his lying and minimising the extent of her injuries now.

I don't know much about what goes on in A&E but being in resus sounds pretty hardcore to me. How can she be out the following day? I think whatever the truth of it, he's being an emotional vampire and he's getting off on giving you all this sensational detail so you can worry about him/it.

FellReturneth · 24/06/2014 00:50

he's lying, not his! Bloody autocorrect

Zazzles007 · 24/06/2014 01:26

This is the most horrific and fucked-up situation that I have ever read about. I have refrained from posting until now...

OP your boundaries have been seriously eroded by those who control you - in the first instance your Ex and 'mother'. You have been been conditioned to please and look after the well being of others before yourself, to the extent that you are sacrificing your and DD safety to do so. Believe me, it is no fun to be such a people pleaser, been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Please listen to the good advice given on this thread rather than the BS that your mother gave you. Your violent, abusive, head-fuck of an ex should not be facilitated in any personal contact with your DD and yourself.

And personally, I also know of and dated a man who could be sexually violent. Thankfully he never put me in hospital (there but for the grace of God go I.....). He was married twice and has no contact with his 1st wife and the children from his first family. When questioned, he said "I don't know why" - bullshit. This is one instance in which the law did as it was supposed to, but his first wife would have pushed and pushed for it. Unfortunately his second wife and children from the second marriage have to suffer his presence. His comment on that? "I paid a pretty penny for them [the DD's of the 2nd marriage]." Don't let yourself be like that 2nd wife. Aim to be like that first wife.

Fideliney · 24/06/2014 05:12

I hope WA ring you back today Moon

You don't need to put up with rubbish just because he has a biological link to your DD Flowers

LoveBeingInTheSun · 24/06/2014 05:24

Are you sure your mums fear isn't just of as full stop?

He's confessed to a horrible violent act and whether you believe he is the man capable of that or broken by that tgey are very dangerous men either way. There is a genuine safeguarding issue for your child.

Fideliney · 24/06/2014 05:37

Oh and in answer to your question Moon you can self-refer for supervised contact at a contact centre. I did it a few years back.

I posted the link upthread. I'll scout around for it and repost it.

SS or WA or NSPCC helpline could help and advise if you do hit problems though.

LoveBeing do you mean her mum is just scared of SS full stop?

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