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Original poster

Ex has done something horrific.... wwyd? Warning, graphic. ***[Edited by MNHQ STRONG WARNING - POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING]***

305 replies

MoonshineWashingLine · 22/06/2014 21:52

I am horrified, ex-p has hospitalised some poor girl he's been sleeping with. They were having very rough sex and he has severely damaged her insides. I get the impression this is someone he has been meeting up with specifically for rough sex so it was consensual and entirely accidental. He is mortified and has spent the whole night and day in hospital with her.

We have only been split up for 4 months and he's been sleeping around loads. It doesn't bother me but we also have a 2yo dd together so I have to prioritise her.

He is already having counselling and anger management and has just been told by his therapist to go to the gp regarding sex addiction.

Wwyd? I am in shock. I don't know what to do for best. I have to know what happens with it all so I can make decisions regarding him seeing dd but I don't want to get too involved. The whole thing makes me feel a bit sick :(

OP posts:
Fideliney · 23/06/2014 19:53

You do NOT want this settled in the family court Moon. Honestly.

Fideliney · 23/06/2014 19:55

Much quicker and easier to follow the advice you've been given here.

SolidGoldBrass · 23/06/2014 19:57

Women's Aid are your best bet. You need firm boundaries in place that this man cannot break. First, you need to refuse any contact with him other than via email. That means he is not allowed in your house and you will not speak to him on the phone or respond to texts. If he persists in trying to enter the house, or keeps on phoning, you can report him to the police, who will warn him off.

Please understand that it is both legal and wholly acceptable to say to a man, even if he is your child's father, that his behaviour is such that you want nothing more to do with him and, while you will arrange for him to see his child, you will not have any further contact with him.

sunshinejanuary · 23/06/2014 20:30

Hi Moonshine, I'm not sure what your
Mums concern was with regards to involving SS would be but if it is that she dreads 'what SS will do' please don't worry.

Their primary concern to is assess and mitigate risk for children. To do this they would probably undertake an Initial Assessment which is when thy would speak to you, your children and anyone else they feel relevant (such as the hospital involved to verify facts for example). Whilst the powers of SS to make assessments are great - the fact they can get access to information that you or your solicitors cannot - they will not be in the business of taking children away from concerned parents who are specifically seeking help to minimise risk to their children.
This initial assessment may well work in your favour as, cynically, having it known by professionals that you have your children's best interests at heart could make for some handy allies if your Ex wants to have contact with your children you have concerns about.
In short OP, have faith that as a rule these are professionals that want to help and support and, believe me, will have seen and heard and dealt with all kinds of awful things so be open and honest with them.
I wish you all the best OP xx

hellymelly · 23/06/2014 20:32

OP you need to get tough about this. I agree that simply telling him he can't see your dd is not anywhere near enough. You need the power of the ss or police behind you, you need a record of either the assault on his sexual partner or the intimidation of you, whichever is the truth. Your mother is quite wrong. Are you scared of him? If so even more reason to get something in place because it sure as hell won't stop here, he sounds unhinged.

AnyFucker · 23/06/2014 20:33

OP is your mother one of those terminally stupid people who think SS are intent on stealing children ?

OnlyWantsOne · 23/06/2014 20:56

Phone Ss the police, womens aid ... All of them and do not let that man in your home

It is your job to protect your child from violent, angry, abusive people... even if that is her father

Vivacia · 23/06/2014 21:06

What on earth is your rationale for not giving social services a ring? If it's because that's what your mother has recommended, what are her reasons??

Waltermittythesequel · 23/06/2014 21:34

Moon with all due respect you let the man into your home to shower and listened to his detailed account of what happened.

You're in no fit state to supervise this yourself.

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 23/06/2014 21:44

As I suspected, his response to my 'supervised contact' email was that 'it wasn't as bad as we first thought, her insides just tore a bit that's all' apparently she is home and he is looking after her. He says it was a genuine sexual accident. He thinks not allowing him to be alone with dd is 'ridiculous'.

I'm not sure why my dm doesn't think ss is the best route. I will call WA anyway see what they say.

For those asking, yes I am still intimidated and fearful of him. I think I actually could do with getting some counselling. I slept on the sofa last night as I couldn't sleep in my bedroom because he had been in there and I always think he's out to get me in some way or other. :(

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/06/2014 21:47

Well, he is. If not you, then some other poor bloody woman.

AnyFucker · 23/06/2014 21:47

...and again, you ghave been hearing him out about this

why ?

clam · 23/06/2014 21:48

Yeah, well, he'll have to accept that what "he thinks" is not your primary concern.
Ignore his response. Let him sweat. Take advice.

Fideliney · 23/06/2014 21:50

'it wasn't as bad as we first thought, her insides just tore a bit that's all'

There is no point in talking to such a person is there?

clam · 23/06/2014 21:52

her insides just tore a bit that's all

Oh, so that's alright then! Hmm

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 23/06/2014 21:55

I think not Fideliney... And can you believe he accused me of standing in the way of him improving his life! He's got a bloody nerve. I told him the only person stopping him improving his life is himself.

OP posts:
Fideliney · 23/06/2014 21:56

Moon how much will it take before you fuck this guy off?

This is by far the worst thing I have ever read on MN.

You use the word horrific in your title.

The man sounds so awful I can't think of words for it.

Whose permission do you think you need to change your phone numbers and bolt your door and get help to protecting your DD?

Why are you still talking to him?

Fideliney · 23/06/2014 21:57

Excellent you're getting angry. Stay angry.

AnyFucker · 23/06/2014 22:00

Stop engaging with him. Don't "tell" him anything. While you respond, he still has your full attention.

Fideliney · 23/06/2014 22:01

He's got more than a nerve. He has a dozen screws loose.

You really do need to cut contact though.

AnyoneForTennis · 23/06/2014 22:03

Sorry but why are you engaging so much with this man? You have been in contact with him a fair few times over last day or so..... He's your ex

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 23/06/2014 22:14

Believe me I have tried to make contact as minimal as I can but he always tries to worm his way back in. He goes on about wanting us to be friends, he says he called me yesterday because he didn't know who else to call and he 'thought we were close' he said he was speaking to me as a friend not as an ex.

I've told him several times now that any contact we have should be via email and only about dd and that's it but he always always ends up doing something or other that makes me end up having to spend time with him when he sees dd, even if its just ten minutes.

I know I need to be firm and put my foot down but I find it really difficult to stand up to him.

OP posts:
HerdyHerdwick · 23/06/2014 22:15

if her insides "just tore a bit" that's still not ok and if that's the case, why was she in resus?

Fideliney · 23/06/2014 22:16

I've told him several times now that any contact we have should be via email and only about dd and that's it but he always always ends up doing something or other that makes me end up having to spend time with him when he sees dd, even if its just ten minutes.

Which is exactly why you need supervised contact in a contact centre.

But I don't think you'll do it.

bloodyteenagers · 23/06/2014 22:18

FFS. You don't end up in resus for a your insides to get torn a bit and home a day later.

Either carry on, do what you are doing. Continue to be controlled by this man. Continue to be controlled by your mum. Continue to be controlled by others around you.. Let your daughter grow up like this. Let the cycle continue.

Or you can say, do you know what. Fuck you lot. I am going to take control of my life. I am going to do what is best for my child and me. I am the only person who can truly look out for the both of us. I am going to stand up and do this. I can do this. I will do this.

No matter what path you take you have to take on board professional advice. You have to get your concerns down on paper with professionals.. Because you know why? When all this shit comes out. When everything comes out that you knew he was ea, violent and hospitalised another woman and you still allowed him around a child. You did nothing. You spoke to noone. People will ask a lot of questions. They will ask why you did nothing.. This time, there might not be no police involvement. But what about next time?

You have to get tough. You have to start taking control. He has no power over you. You don't have to give him anything. He starts harassing you. You get an injunction.