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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Ex has done something horrific.... wwyd? Warning, graphic. ***[Edited by MNHQ STRONG WARNING - POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING]***

305 replies

MoonshineWashingLine · 22/06/2014 21:52

I am horrified, ex-p has hospitalised some poor girl he's been sleeping with. They were having very rough sex and he has severely damaged her insides. I get the impression this is someone he has been meeting up with specifically for rough sex so it was consensual and entirely accidental. He is mortified and has spent the whole night and day in hospital with her.

We have only been split up for 4 months and he's been sleeping around loads. It doesn't bother me but we also have a 2yo dd together so I have to prioritise her.

He is already having counselling and anger management and has just been told by his therapist to go to the gp regarding sex addiction.

Wwyd? I am in shock. I don't know what to do for best. I have to know what happens with it all so I can make decisions regarding him seeing dd but I don't want to get too involved. The whole thing makes me feel a bit sick :(

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/06/2014 23:47

Shit like that should not be done in the first place and should not be minimised when it is

Thrice · 22/06/2014 23:50

Oh god... right, TMI, but a good friend of mine was damaged fairly badly internally by his boyfriend 'catching' the inside of his lower colon (just inside the rectum), with a sharp fingernail during fisting. My friend lost a lot of blood and has issues with going to the loo to this day. His BF absolutely didn't intend to cause harm BUT they were sober and on the other hand delayed seeking medical help as they were embarrassed. This situation sounds horrendous but I DO think it can have happened accidentally.

KellyHopter · 22/06/2014 23:51

I think there's a very good chance he is lying.
Great if there isn't some young woman in hospital damaged by some sick fucker.
But not so good that the likely hood I'd then that op's ex has found a new, twisted way of messing with her head.

Thrice · 22/06/2014 23:53

(and at the hospital his boyfriend was absolutely allowed to visit/sit by bedside etc. Maybe it was different because they were both men?? Or sober and clear about what had happened? But his BF was with him in hospital. My friend WAS asked repeatedly, with BF out of the room, how it had happened by medical staff though. Not sure if the police got involved).

McPhee · 22/06/2014 23:55

Disgusting

My skin is crawling. Jail term I hope!

SolidGoldBrass · 22/06/2014 23:55

I am also wondering if this attack actually happened. I am ABSOLUTELY NOT accusing the OP of lying - but this man, who has a history, apparently, of abusive behaviour towards the OP, might simply have made up a story to frighten and distress her.

Moonshine, I suggest you concentrate, for the moment, on keeping this man as far out of your life as possible. Get his belongings removed from your house and, if he has a key, change the locks. Inform him that you will only communicate with him via email in future and only with regard to finance/DD. If he persists in trying to phone or text you, or turns up on the doorstep, involve the police. You should be able to get court orders to keep him away and may be able to get the court to agree that he can't see DD unsupervised, or can't see her at all as it is not in her interest.

SolidGoldBrass · 22/06/2014 23:55

I am also wondering if this attack actually happened. I am ABSOLUTELY NOT accusing the OP of lying - but this man, who has a history, apparently, of abusive behaviour towards the OP, might simply have made up a story to frighten and distress her.

Moonshine, I suggest you concentrate, for the moment, on keeping this man as far out of your life as possible. Get his belongings removed from your house and, if he has a key, change the locks. Inform him that you will only communicate with him via email in future and only with regard to finance/DD. If he persists in trying to phone or text you, or turns up on the doorstep, involve the police. You should be able to get court orders to keep him away and may be able to get the court to agree that he can't see DD unsupervised, or can't see her at all as it is not in her interest.

SolidGoldBrass · 22/06/2014 23:57

Sorry for repeat posting.

RockinHippy · 23/06/2014 00:01

I'm with Rhondas voice of reason on this matter, too much knee jerk, know nowt reaction going on here & it's really not helpful to the OP

Has no one heard of sadomasocism ?? - it's alive & well & wether or not you agree with, or understand it, it happens between 2 consenting adults - & it won't be the first time things have got out of hand & real harm has been done - that's what they both get off on

What's happened is not great & from other things said, the guy obviously has issues, but it doesn't necessarily make him a bad father

OP take Rhondas sensible advice & speak to a SW for more sensible, balanced & relevant advice

Good luck

KellyHopter · 23/06/2014 00:12

Oh lord save us from the Let me explain to all you vanilla types types!

We are many years past the point of BDSM being some niche little known proclivity. In fact it's fast becoming passé.

And really not the point here at all.

thecatfromjapan · 23/06/2014 00:14

As a thought experiment: you are offered a place with a childminder (for your child) with a childminder who you know to be having counselling for anger issues.

Would you accept it?

thecatfromjapan · 23/06/2014 00:16

That question is generally addressed.

It's just because I am wondering more and more what about what men do and do not have to do to be considered a "good father".

ICanHearYou · 23/06/2014 00:19

That is a ridiculous question thecat and irrelevant, he already IS the child's father, he is not being interviewed for the role.

KellyHopter · 23/06/2014 00:20

Well not being abusive would be a good start, wouldn't it?

clam · 23/06/2014 00:22

I don't think it's irrelevant Icanhearyou. The OP is wondering if, with what she now knows her ex is capable of, whether her dd is safe with this man. Although I think what she had on him before today would have been worrying enough.

ICanHearYou · 23/06/2014 00:23

She has already stated that pending the actual facts of the incident she will use a contact center or withdraw contact.

I think shes been quite sane about it, which is more than can be said for many people on here.

RockinHippy · 23/06/2014 00:24

There was a definite hint of sarcasm in my post that you missed there Kelly - & yes, I agree very passé, but by the sounds if it, quite likely relevant here

Though PMSL at the "vanilla types" jibe - certainly something that's never been thrown my way before Grin

Or is that just a reference saved for those of us that have a tad more common sense & are not man haters??

Night night :)

ThatVikRinA22 · 23/06/2014 00:25

i think it depends on how the injury was caused and what damage has been done as to whether police will be involved. Hospital staff do have an obligation to contact police if they think some one has been abused in some way.
police investigating would trigger a referral to social services anyway.

If this were me i would be safeguarding my DD from this man until he has his "issues" under control.
if you dont want to actually be the one responsible for telling him to do one then contact social services yourself - its likely they will contact police and they will not want him in contact with your dd while its investigated.
take matters into your own hands OP.

thecatfromjapan · 23/06/2014 00:26

How so ridiculous?

I'm wondering about what we mean when we think of the word "father"? Does it mean the provider of DNA, or does it encompass an element of caring-for? And if the latter is true, what do we think we mean by "caring-for"?

And, specifically, I was highlighting the issues of someone, DNA-provider or not, being left, unsupervised, with a child, and what we might reasonably expect of that person.

And, added to that, I was considering what we might mean by the adjective (and value-judgment) "good" when modifying "father".

I can't quite get why any of those questions are ridiculous?

KellyHopter · 23/06/2014 00:28

No idea what you just said there Rockinhippy!

Night though.

ICanHearYou · 23/06/2014 00:30

I think you should save your psycho-babble mumbo-jumbo hypothetical crap for a different thread which isn't focussed about real peoples issues.

If you want those questions answered then ask away, but do so in the right format and at the right time.

I have a shit of a father, he is a real piece of work but I got to fuck him off, that was nobody elses choice but mine, if it turns out this guy is a danger to his kid then that needs to be addressed but the chin stroking about this REAL LIFE situation is not right.

SecretWitch · 23/06/2014 00:31

Not on this lifetime would I ever allow an ex, who confessed to causing grave bodily harm to another human, come to my house, shower and tell me all his woes..I certainly would have no issue denying visitation to my child, until all the facts have been investigated. Please consider your daughter above all other concerns.

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 23/06/2014 00:31

Can't sleep... I am now terrified he has lied about the whole thing and just wanted some excuse to come to the house.

The harassment I previously reported him for was for spying on me. I am now scared he's put something in my room. Am I being ridiculous? Alk sorts of stuff is going through my head :(

Also I called 101 and they said if it was consensual then the police would not be informed.

OP posts:
thecatfromjapan · 23/06/2014 00:32

OP, I'm sorry that I've been a bit side-tracked.

I think what I'm trying to say is that ... while it is probably good that your exP is seeking counselling (for his anger issues) I, for one, would not think you at all unreasonable if you were to seek supervised access, etc. until he has that sorted out.

Whatever the outcome of this incident.

SecretWitch · 23/06/2014 00:35

Moonshine, if this a lie, then you need to be extremely cautious. In my estimation the only reason I can think a man would lie about an incident like this is to terrify and control you.