Ex has done something horrific.... wwyd? Warning, graphic. ***[Edited by MNHQ STRONG WARNING - POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING]***

[MoonshineWashingLine]

I am horrified, ex-p has hospitalised some poor girl he's been sleeping with. They were having very rough sex and he has severely damaged her insides. I get the impression this is someone he has been meeting up with specifically for rough sex so it was consensual and entirely accidental. He is mortified and has spent the whole night and day in hospital with her.

We have only been split up for 4 months and he's been sleeping around loads. It doesn't bother me but we also have a 2yo dd together so I have to prioritise her.

He is already having counselling and anger management and has just been told by his therapist to go to the gp regarding sex addiction.

Wwyd? I am in shock. I don't know what to do for best. I have to know what happens with it all so I can make decisions regarding him seeing dd but I don't want to get too involved. The whole thing makes me feel a bit sick :(

I doubt he's put anything in your room.

You sound like someone who still feels bullied.

I really, really think you deserve to have nothing more to do with him. I'm trying to put that as gently as possible because I don't want to sound pushy or threatening. I really think you could do with some counselling.

icanhearyou - I'm trying to be polite and modify my tone and responses. There;s nothing chin-stroking about this. Far too many women on these boards put up with contact with partners who continue to be abusive and abuse them because our society insists on their "right" to have access to "their" children.

There's nothing "abstract" about it.

Personally, I think it's society coercing women and enabling abuse. but i also know that in a patriarchal society, enormous pressure is put on women not to "see" this, or that a lot of "good" fathers are not good at all.

And I am completely unapologetic about posting a feminist response here because sometimes a feminist discourse can actually be the difference between someone thinking they are going mad and the alternative of suddenly understanding why something is happening to them.

One day, this explanation won't be "feminist", it will be "common-sense". Roll on that day.

wtf? fisting? op never even mentioned that?

I hope I am being ridiculous... he didn't appear to be lying. He said she was in the resus room for quite a while.

The cat this is neither the time nor the place, but it's not about the mans right to see the child - its about the child's right to see their other parent, who makes the decision about what is and isn't acceptable in a parent, and what is best or at least will cause the least damage to the child.

I'm perfectly capable of removing sex/gender from the equation and I note no one has answers my question re what about a woman who caused a penile fracture.

However I will now apologise to the op as none of this is useful and she needs real life, real, solid advice from the social work department about this. Not the rumblings of a bunch of strangers who will not be affected by any decision and who each bring their own agenda to the debate,

OP, this is horrific - if true - enough said upthread about that.

What I would suggest is that you call social services tomorrow and detail the whole incident to them - the story, and him coming to use your bathroom. Explain that you are not even sure, after talking through the incident with friends, whether it is even true. However - either way:

• it is true, and you want to be able to confirm that and ask their advice on how you move forward to protect your daughter;

• it is not true, and if so your Ex has used a truly bizarre and horrifying excuse to get into your house and/or simply frighten you. Telling anyone graphic stories of your own sexual violence and spinning stories about putting people in hospital through sexual assault is not what a responsible person who can be trusted with a child does, to be blunt. So again, you would ask for their advice on what to do next.

If the latter is the case, you can probably report him to the police yourself - it may constitute some sort of harassment.

What has been said by others about your needing, NEEDING to remove yourself from any influence of his is true. It is essential for your wellbeing and that of your daughter. Please look into counselling and take advice on contact.

Moonshine, If you know the woman's name you could ring and say you were her cousin or sister or something and were worried and wanted to know if she was ok and still at the hospital. At least then you'd confirm whether she was even in hospital.

It's very hard to get an order for supervised contact unless there are documented grounds ie police investigated violence.

sorry bunchoffives but that wont work and its very invasive for the poor girl if she is in hospital. most hospitals set up a password for relatives and police and due to data protection will not give out information without this.
(and nor should they)

moonshine stop questioning and worrying about if its true or not - the impact its had on you is real so to that end you should pick up the phone tomorrow to social services, tell them everything and let them advise. the responsibility does not have to be yours alone - let professionals do their thing - that gets you off the hook so to speak.

I'm trying to be polite and modify my tone and responses. There;s nothing chin-stroking about this. Far too many women on these boards put up with contact with partners who continue to be abusive and abuse them because our society insists on their "right" to have access to "their" children.

So true.

The notion that abusive, batshit crazy men remain 'good fathers' unless they perpetrate an abusive act directly on their child has far too strong a hold in our society.

A deeply troubled chaotic individual you would not allow near your child is exactly that, regardless of biology.

OP it is FINE to err on the side of caution until you are sure. Get legal advice/ investigate supervised contact/speak to social services. you can start in the morning. You don't have to prove anything or wait for police involvement. Go with your gut

This sounds bonkers. The ex sharing that with ex....

Anyway, a man of such violence would be nowhere near me or my family.

Yeah, he has a Strange hobby doesn't he OP?

Does he collect clothes in the dead of night too?
From other people's washing lines?

If this is true it is awful that you have even considered continuing a relationship between your child and your ex.
If my ex had come to me with this story I would have moved Heaven and Earth to take my child and myself as far away from him as I possibly could.

but I dont count BDSM as part of that

BDSM doesn't tend to result in internal bleeding. You cannot compare what is happening here with BDSM. Regardless of what goes on during that, the couples are actually very careful with each other so injuries like this don't result.

it won't be the first time things have got out of hand & real harm has been done - that's what they both get off on

Pretty sure no one gets 'off on' being so seriously injured that they end up in hospital.

This is the first mn thread that has actually made me feel sick.

Whatever your EX and partner consented to do I'm sure that consent stopped the minute the girl started to suffer internal damage to the degree that she is in hospital.

OP you need to break contact with this man - he's very screwed up and not a healthy individual to have in your life. You say he is your EX but he is in your life too much for you to move on.

Agreed hesterton it is the history of anger and loss of control that is relevant to child conact.

bran your posts have really concerned me. Do you think that if someone consents to being, say, handcuffed, they can be left like that till they starve to death? Or they consent to whipping so they are injured until their back breaks? I suggest you look into what the law says here. Of course there are grey areas when accidents happen but this sounds way, way beyond that.

japancat I absolutely agree with your sentiments. It appears to me to be access at any cost and it sickens me. I am lucky to be married to a man who is utterly decent but if I wasn't and we separated, I think I would rather go to jail to make a stand against the way the law works for abusive men. It riles me that almost daily there are woman on here who have to let their kids spend time with violent, abusive men who are "good fathers".

OP I can imagine you are feeling very confused and you might never really find out what has happened. But my instinct would be to be very very careful around this man.

My god, this is horrific.

Let's face it, some people do consent to some pretty vile and awful stuff all the time. It may not technically be consent in the eyes of the law, but nevertheless they do go into some pretty extreme and violent sexual experiences completely voluntarily and lucidly, with a total understanding of what it is they are doing.

But people who are vulnerable, mentally ill or emotionally damaged are probably far more likely to end up 'consenting' to violent and depraved stuff, and not quite so lucidly unfortunately, which is why the law has to be there to protect them and deter people who might take advantage of their vulnerability. Perhaps this young woman was someone who was being very cynically taken advantage of by a man who is abusive and predatory.

I imagine fisting is quite mild compared to the things some fucked up in the head people 'consent' to. However, it can be also be a normal part of the sexual repertoire for some perfectly well balanced, sane, non-screwed up people too. I don't get it myself, but that's not to say others don't enjoy it and indulge in it reasonably safely and carefully.

But the point is this: just how hard and how roughly do you have to fist someone to rupture their internal organs to the point where they are in the resuscitation unit FFS? I doubt she ever signed up for anything quite that rough, unless she was actually mentally ill. There's rough/experimental consensual sex and there's just losing control in a sadistic way and hurting someone with sexual violence that's really no different to violently attacking them in a non-sexual way. Just because it happened in bed doesn't excuse it as an accident.

It's like saying 'I meant to just slap my wife on the bum for a laugh, she likes it, honestly, but I got carried away and accidentally punched her 9 times and fractured her skull instead.'

It sounds as though she consented to the fisting but that he was overcome with a scary loss of control and he didn't stop when she must have been showing very obvious signs of distress. Which is sick, unforgivable and horribly abusive.

But we can't possibly know, this is all just speculation.

From what I know of BDSM the dom is responsible for making sure that the activity is within the boundaries agreed by both prior to the act. Fisting may have been agreed but he lost control and injured her. That is not BDSM and it's a criminal act as far as I'm concerned. I'm shocked that the police have said 'as it's consensual they won't arrest' as the injury was not consensual.

I've been pondering this as I read the thread from a child protection point of view. Of course there is nothing to indicate that he's likely to cause the daughter sexual harm. However, the picture adds up to a person who is not in control of his impulses, who has abusive traits, obsessive, disrespectful of boundaries and social norms, concerned with his own gratification above others safety and drinks excessively. To me, that full picture suggests that contact should be considered carefully for a time and boundaries put in place. That's not someone I would want around my child for any length of time. I wouldn't allow overnights for example.

I think the point is that even if the injury was consensual, it can never be consensual in law, to protect the vulnerable, so I am very surprised that the police are not taking it further. I suppose it depends just how badly she really is injured. He might be making stuff up to get attention from the OP.

There is no explanation of this that makes this man sound like a savoury character who is in control of himself, is there?

Let me rephrase that. Of course there is no way someone sane would consent to an injury of this specific type. What I meant was that hypothetically speaking, while any sort of specific pre-meditated injury may be consensual, (cutting or biting or partial asphyxiation for example) if it goes to far then it is not regarded as consensual in law, when at any point the perpetrator had a chance to stop before serious damage was done.

None at all Fid. None at all.