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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is not right but I don't know how to change it

965 replies

HappyLandSpaceMan · 20/06/2014 14:25

I have been in my current relationship for 6 years now. We have 2 dc.
He is not making me happy and his behaviour isn't right towards me. I do know that much. I don't want to be with him but I have no idea how to leave him. I need him to function, or that's how it feels anyway. I don't know how to make it all better.

OP posts:
Mini05 · 20/06/2014 22:23

Hi a Happy

Why do you think you couldn't manage on your own?

You work full time
Look after two under fives( very hard work)
Cook
Clean the house
Shop ??

So other than that it's only having bills come out of your bank, that's easy to sort.
Your running the house, and don't know it.

Who looks after the little ones whilst your at work? If it's not him then your sorted!!!
Does partner work?

Don't forget you will get housing benefit(if your on low wage)
Plus child tax credit and working tax credit
You will be better off I'm sure, treats for you and the children.

Most of all no living in fear in case you say or do the wrong thing.

Don't have your money put into your own account, he may be twig something and ask why what for etc.

Small steps, start looking for a new flat/house, do you need to stay in that area? Have you a car?

Original poster
HappyLandSpaceMan · 20/06/2014 22:28

They go to childminder while I work,
Am not going to be able to be by myself as I need the direction he gives me I don't know how i would be without him. I'm just shit
Sorry I think I will come off this thread for now until I can sort my stupid thoughts out
Thank you everyone for all your kindness and advice x

OP posts:
teaandthorazine · 20/06/2014 22:35

You're not the first woman to feel that you couldn't manage without their abusive partner. Because that's what abusive men do, they make you believe that you're useless and shit without them.

It isn't true. You would manage, you would cope, and then after a while you'd start loving your freedom.

He's done such a number on you. I really hope you feel able to come back and talk to us later.

cjelh · 20/06/2014 22:44

Please don't apologise. Its a lot to get your head around. Do it at your pace you feel happy with. I'm sure that the people you meet at refuge and after will know exactly how to support you so the gap that he leaves will be filled. Hope you have a good rest tonight and try not to worry about changing your life. It will only go only when you feel safe doing itxx

justiceofthePeas · 20/06/2014 22:51

HappyLand you are not stupid. You are not rubbish. You are not to blame. You are just in a bad place with a bad person who has told you these things to make himself feel better.

believing you can leave is one of the hardest things. But you can. I believe you can because I have seen it so many times before on MN.

you can and you will when you are ready.

you have taken a massive step towards that new life tonight by posting here. It is a shock to admit these things and you will be reeling. Take some time. Then take another step and another and another. One step at a time all the way out the door.

check out tye EA thread in relationships. Lots of helpful links at the top of the thread.

You can do it.
Big massive unMN hugs.
Be kind to yourself.

myroomisatip · 21/06/2014 06:55

Just been catching up on this.

I understand your fear OP but you can and you will get out of this and you will be absolutely fine on your own. You can do it!

weatherall · 21/06/2014 07:07

Please contact women's aid.

You are feeling like this because he is abusing you.

There is a happy future waiting for you and your DCs away from this man.

sproutsmum · 21/06/2014 08:05

You don't need the direction he gives you , he has a vested interest in making you feel incapable so you won't leave and he has someone to treat as a punch bag and skivvy so all his "needs" are met. He keeps you scared so you won't step out of line or question him.

You are capable and strong and awesome and for everything else there's mumsnet , we all have times when we question ourselves and our abilities that's when we research and ask questions and use a bit of trial and error.

So what if you make a mistake ?
Imagine how it would be to feel fine with that , to not be scared of someone else's reaction.

Just read a couple of threads on mumsnet which ask for advice about day to day stuff , look at the DIFFERENCES in opinion. You have the right to choose what works for YOU.
On a daily basis , when you're running your home you don't need to be perfect. You have all the people here to ask if you need some direction (people to help you up not pull you down), you can just CHOOSE what works for you.

Now look at opinions on this thread , everyone agrees, you have the right to live a safe and happy life away from this abuse. EVERYONE agrees that what he is doing to you is WRONG , the LAW agrees too , he is not ALLOWED to hurt you.

You CAN do this , you DESERVE a beautiful , peaceful life where you are not being hurt. You are a wonderful CAPABLE woman , walk forward one tiny step at a time.

Original poster
HappyLandSpaceMan · 21/06/2014 09:53

I am going to call womens aid today once I can face it
thank you for all your advice and support

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyLandSpaceMan · 21/06/2014 10:02

Will they need lots of details? And will they only help if I go to a refuge?

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 21/06/2014 10:12

Hello OP, I just wanted to add my support here. I don't know much about the practicalities of leaving, but look at all these brilliant posts giving you advice. So many posters have been through what you're going through, and now live successful, happy, abuse free lives.

You absolutely can do it. Best of luck and keep posting xx

kaykayblue · 21/06/2014 10:48

Hi Happy,

I know you are probably offline line now, but I wanted to say that you aren't stupid, and you can definitely make your own decisions. You work don't you? You wouldn't be able to hold down a job if you were an idiot! You manage to do your job and look after yourself when away from him, and you can definitely do the same with every part of your life.

If you wanted to speak to someone in person, I have some female friends in London who would be happy to meet you.

kaykayblue · 21/06/2014 10:50

Hi Happy, I just saw that you had been online earlier - sorry I missed that. Do please give them a ring. They have helped many other women on this forum as well. We will be here if it gets hard and you need some more emotional support.

Original poster
HappyLandSpaceMan · 21/06/2014 11:12

I'm sorry I think I've made a mistake posting here i didn't mean to waste time

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 21/06/2014 11:15

It's ok to feel that way. Come back when your ready. Stay safe

Quitelikely · 21/06/2014 11:15

And you haven't wasted time.

Original poster
HappyLandSpaceMan · 21/06/2014 11:35

I don't know what to do to feel ok I don't think I am strong enough to just leave but I don't feel ok here

OP posts:
independentfriend · 21/06/2014 11:44

Baby steps - phone women's aid and ask them to help you.

Another way of thinking about it is that what matters right now isn't how you feel, but what you do despite how you feel. So, even though you're not feeling strong enough right now, work towards leaving anyway, because what's going on at the minute is a very very long way away from OK for you and your children.

wafflyversatile · 21/06/2014 11:49

you can email women's aid too.

[email protected]

You don't have to do anything immediately but call or email them and get it all out. They can advise and provide practical support when you are ready.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 21/06/2014 11:50

The main thing to know, Happy, is you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. I can't answer all your questions about what WA would say or do, my information might be out of date. I just know people who used to work for them.
If you call them, you ask them the questions, amd no one will make you do anything you don't want to do.

wafflyversatile · 21/06/2014 11:50

oh, and although you can't imagine being able to cope without him you will almost certainly realise just how much easier it is to deal with every day life with him gone. Most likely it is having to deal with him that has made these things seem so hard.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 21/06/2014 11:53

Also there might be regional variations on what WA can provide, there used to be. We don't want you to say here where you live, obviously. So it is better you just talk to them as everything you say to them will be in confidence. They will help, and they will listen.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 21/06/2014 12:06

You have come so far in just a few short days. You couldn't type any of this, remember? But you have, and you have shown you are a lovely caring person as well. You are strong, and well organised. You are a good mum and you want what is best. You are doing this because you know life without him has to be better than this.

Hope your ribs are healing well. Flowers

LumpySpacedPrincess · 21/06/2014 12:21

Being in an abusive relationship is very similar to being in a cult. You believe you are the person he tells you that you are. Well, guess what. You're not. You know that you need to leave and at some point you will and you will never look back.

Good luck op. Smile

Middledaughter · 21/06/2014 12:30

Women's aid will just chat to you. No details needed. They have local groups and they can meet up with you face to face if that is easier. You can do it. You are already so much more capable than you think.

Good luck and go for it!