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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This is not right but I don't know how to change it

965 replies

HappyLandSpaceMan · 20/06/2014 14:25

I have been in my current relationship for 6 years now. We have 2 dc.
He is not making me happy and his behaviour isn't right towards me. I do know that much. I don't want to be with him but I have no idea how to leave him. I need him to function, or that's how it feels anyway. I don't know how to make it all better.

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/06/2014 21:24

If you are feeling this way please call samaritans. 08457 909090

No amount of furnishings makes up for not having a mother OP. They need you far more than you need him [or think you need him].

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/06/2014 21:25

Do your three sisters not talk to you since you hooked up with him?

Original poster

HappyLandSpaceMan · 20/06/2014 21:28

I can't call I feel I have lost my voice I am typing on here because I feel I can't even do anything else. She would be a lovely mum to them she loves them and is way better with them than I am.
My sisters don't talk to me because of something that happened when I was young, but they completely cut off contact after I got in this relationship, I don't know if that's because of him or just coincidence
My dc deserve better than I could ever give,

OP posts:

43percentburnt · 20/06/2014 21:28

Evening happy, you really do have the strength to leave. You are very very strong to have tolerated his behaviour for the last few years.

You have a job, therefore you have access to money. You have all your documents in one place, that's great. Do you rent or own you home? Who's name is it in?

You will be so much happier without him. You may feel like you cannot cope but that's because he has made you feel this way. When you and your dc are in your own place you will learn who you are again. Many of us were you several years ago.

Keep posting happy. Talk to us. Xx

Original poster

HappyLandSpaceMan · 20/06/2014 21:31

We rent the tenancy is in my name and I pay the rent
I have access to the money he sets aside from the joint account but I have been thinking about getting my wages paid into my account instead of the joint account, I would like to see my money first and so I can properly learn to budget my own money, I feel a bit out of control, that might sound stupid I'm not sure

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/06/2014 21:34

You can email the samaritans OP. [email protected]

I suspect that they did cut off contact when you got into this relationship, and they might be there for you when you leave. Because you will leave, I am sure of it. You will find the strength, and make a call, and get yourself out of there.

You won't be the first, and you won't be the last; lots of us have done it. I just got my papers, some clothes, got into the car and went. If you have access to money, you could go to a refuge and find somewhere to stay later.

It is within your grasp. Just keep talking on here for a while.

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/06/2014 21:35

It's probably because you have made the first step; in posting here. It can make you feel giddy when you think that you might be able to get out.

43percentburnt · 20/06/2014 21:36

When does your tenancy end? Do you have a private landlord or is it through an agency?

Do the hospital know he broke your ribs?

If you received your wages on pay day, assuming you are
Paid monthly, do you have enough money to move out?

Your dcs need you, they need to live with you.

You need a plan to live alone with your dc.

teaandthorazine · 20/06/2014 21:40

You don't sound stupid at all. You sound ground down and you sound as if you're in the fog that a bad, abusive relationship brings. But the fog will start to lift, just keep talking to us and keep thinking about how you're going to make your move.

This always sounds patronising but it's really not meant to be - but you're so young! You have so much ahead of you, you can't throw your life away for the sake of this horrible, horrible man who hurts you.

You can go to a refuge. Maybe not tonight, maybe not tomorrow, but you can. They will help, they've seen it all before, they know how to get you back on your feet. You don't have to see him at all, ever again.

You can have a different life.

Original poster

HappyLandSpaceMan · 20/06/2014 21:41

My tenancy ends in September and it's a private landlord , I have some savings from when I was younger and so would have a deposit yes. My wages would cover rent and bills in a different place.
I have a vision of what my life could be but I have no belief that I could do it

OP posts:

43percentburnt · 20/06/2014 21:43

Women's aid will give you support to leave. The first few days after you leave, you will wobble and want to return, this is normal and does go away. Women's aid will help you through this wobble. As will mumsnet! Keep posting.

You are very strong and you will get through this, you really will. 24 is young, you have a great future ahead of you xxx

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/06/2014 21:44

OP - you said you were under the care of the MH team, have you got an emergency number for them to talk to?

Quitelikely · 20/06/2014 21:44

No your dc need you. They really do. I know it's hard to cope when you feel like everything's collapsing around you but there are ways out of this situation. You owe it to yourself to try them first. I'm scared reading your posts. I'm scared he will find them and hurt you.

Don't do anything rash. Make a safe plan.

teaandthorazine · 20/06/2014 21:46

You have a lot more strength than you give yourself credit for. I know sometimes it feels easier just to lie down and give in, give up, but you can do this.

Think how different life could be in 6 months, a year, 5 years...

Quitelikely · 20/06/2014 21:46

Also check out a website called hidden hurt. It has DV personal stories on there. I think what they say will resemble alot of what your experiencing.

newnamesamegame · 20/06/2014 21:48

happy just wanted you to know there are lots of people on here who desperately want you, when you are ready, to take that first step. This man has ground you down and warped your sense of self worth and it does not have to be like this.

You have already done what is in many ways the hardest thing by allowing yourself to voice what is wrong. Take gentle steps, go at your own pace and only do what feels safe.

But please, go. You are still very young: people twice your age leave abusive relationships and rebuild happy and fulfilled lives. And if you can't do it for yourself, please do it for your children. Please.

Original poster

HappyLandSpaceMan · 20/06/2014 21:49

I've got a crisis line number yes
He is at a bar he is going to a club afterwards and I doubt he will come back tonight so I have time to myself

OP posts:

teaandthorazine · 20/06/2014 21:50

Where is he tonight, btw? Are you safe?

teaandthorazine · 20/06/2014 21:50

Sorry, cross posts!

43percentburnt · 20/06/2014 21:51

There happy you are in a good position, you have a job and money and savings.

In your own place you won't hear the key in the lock and dread him coming home, that nasty feeling of dread.

Make sure you delete your history, and ensure you log out of MN each time he is home. The risk of attack increases if he gets wind you are going to leave.

Baby steps, women's aid, can you call them from work? Discuss your options with them, what help is available in your area.

Can you buy the book why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft? Leave it at work. Water stones may order one so you can pay in cash and stash it in a drawer at work. Pretend to the staff it is for studies you are doing, a sociology course for example.

You can do it happy, unfortunately by staying with him and trying to make it work you have proved you are very strong. It's the strong determined ones who stay trying to make it work.

cjelh · 20/06/2014 21:59

I think if you can work from 8-4 and bring up tw dcs while having mental health problems and a P who breaks your ribs, you are far brighter and able and clever than you realise.

When you are ready why not try WA you can just phone for a chat and hang up any time you want. If you leave and go to them it won't matter if he is cross with you because they won't let him any where near you. He can be as cross as he likes and you won't even know about it,
Sending you (((((Hugs))))) Baby steps,, consolidate what you feel good achieving and trust your own judgement about what is right for you to doxx

Original poster

HappyLandSpaceMan · 20/06/2014 22:02

Thank you for all your wise words and encouragement
Sorry I am being so rubbish I am listening to all the advice I'm being given

OP posts:

teaandthorazine · 20/06/2014 22:09

You don't have to apologise to us, for anything, happy. You take whatever you need from us, and do things at your own pace. There is always someone here to listen. Just keep yourself safe while you pick your moment, okay?

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 20/06/2014 22:12

It can take time to summon the courage. You've taken a step towards getting yourself and DCs to safety. No need to apologise, it is a good thing. :)

Original poster

HappyLandSpaceMan · 20/06/2014 22:13

I'm trying I am.
If womens aid found a refuge for me and dc would they send me the address? Would it be close to my home now?
Do I have to pay anything for it all?

OP posts:

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