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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is not right but I don't know how to change it

965 replies

HappyLandSpaceMan · 20/06/2014 14:25

I have been in my current relationship for 6 years now. We have 2 dc.
He is not making me happy and his behaviour isn't right towards me. I do know that much. I don't want to be with him but I have no idea how to leave him. I need him to function, or that's how it feels anyway. I don't know how to make it all better.

OP posts:
kaykayblue · 20/06/2014 17:19

Hi HappyLand - so this makes you around 24? My love you are so young. Far too young to stay with this man. Even from what you have said here, this is physical and emotional abuse. I can understand you don't want to go into more details, and you don't need to.

He has taken something minor, and used it as a turning point as a sick way to put unhealthy conditions on your relationship. He openly cheats on you, which is not only extremely disrespectful, but makes his reaction to the message you received farcical. It sounds like he hit you whilst you were pregnant as well.

You did really well to get this off of your chest. See? You're much stronger than you thought you were!

captainmummy · 20/06/2014 17:53

Op, one thing. He says it's your fault he gets'upset' or violent? It isn't. It is never the victims fault. Never. Not ever.

That is not my view, it is the law. Whatever he has blamed you for, he is NOT ALLOWED to hit, assault or intimidate you.

Start believing that, it's the truth.

He has been abusive, he is an abuser. WA will help. That's what they are there for, to help women LIKE YOU!

Good luck.

Original poster
HappyLandSpaceMan · 20/06/2014 17:58

I'm still recovering from an injury so u wouldn't even be able to physically cope properly I don't think although he does not do any housework but if I fell then the children would need someone else
I just want to do what's right by them but at the same time I know I need him and I need the control given by the relationship I cannot imagine having to make decisions
He is not coming back tonight he said and already I miss him

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyLandSpaceMan · 20/06/2014 18:18

I am sorry I'm being so stupid

OP posts:
YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 20/06/2014 18:28

You're not stupid amd there is no need to say sorry, you have done nothing wrong.

You're doing great.

This time on a Friday night is always quiet (apart from the drunk threads).

Would it help if you said how you got your injury?

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/06/2014 18:30

You do not need him, and you can make your own decisions.

Do you really miss him or has he just brainwashed you into thinking you are stupid and can't fend for yourself?

Original poster
HappyLandSpaceMan · 20/06/2014 18:46

I don't know who I am or what I should be doing without him
I had 2 broken ribs and they are just healing now

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 20/06/2014 18:53

Oh you poor poor girl. My heart goes out to you and your children. I read on the womens aid website it takes an average of eight attempts to leave an abuse relationship. God you must be terrified of upsetting him. Your beautiful children must be taking all of this in.

How far away from your family are you?

You don't need him. He's a nasty bastard who throws you crumbs every now and then to keep you hooked in.

I feel so sad for you and your children. You are worth so much more. He will never change.

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/06/2014 19:03

OP - who is your closest [not miles, but relationship] family member? And how far in miles are they away from you?

Are you married? Do you work? What is the finance situation?

kaykayblue · 20/06/2014 19:12

Hi again Happy. I just wanted to tell you that no matter what this man has told you, you do not need him. Those are all lies that he has told you in order to trap you into staying with him. He needs you to believe that you depend on him, because otherwise of course you would leave.

Your life would be so much better without him there. He is like a virus, constantly eating away at you. I truly believe that when you have got away from him, it will be scary at first, but day by day you will realise how much better your life is without him. Not having to worry about his temper, his moods, him hurting you, the children.

You've been with him for so long that it's only natural you don't know who you are. But here's the thing my love, you are so young. You have your whole life to figure out who you are! But you need the freedom to be able to do that.

You do not need this man, and your children most certainly don't.

Original poster
HappyLandSpaceMan · 20/06/2014 20:12

My family don't talk to me. One sister does, sometimes, but she is in Cyprus,
I work full time (8-4), we are not married.
I dot know how to do it anymore I just want to give up now but I can't because of my dc

OP posts:
PortofinoRevisited · 20/06/2014 20:18

Gather your important documents together and phone women's aid.

kalidanger · 20/06/2014 20:19

Did he break your ribs?

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 20/06/2014 20:27

Yes, are we right in thinking his violence led to your broken ribs, HappyLand?

Original poster
HappyLandSpaceMan · 20/06/2014 20:27

Yes he did
I have my important docs and the kids altogether in a drawer I think deep down I have been wanting to leave for a long time, but I still don't know how to do this
I don't know if I am going to be able to talk on the phone to them

OP posts:
YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 20/06/2014 20:28

Women's aid have refuge homes for you and your DC. He won't be allowed in. Talk to them, they can help you and provide somewhere safe.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 20/06/2014 20:34

You know what, you could phone the police.

Original poster
HappyLandSpaceMan · 20/06/2014 20:53

I can't do that to him he would b so angry with me.

OP posts:
cardiandcrocs · 20/06/2014 20:53

Oh sweetheart. He's really done a number on you.

You're a LOT stronger than you believe you are at the moment.Thanks

Original poster
HappyLandSpaceMan · 20/06/2014 20:58

I don't even know who I am anymore my dc would be better off without me I feel sick and tired

OP posts:
littlewhitebag · 20/06/2014 21:04

Oh you poor girl. This thread has made me feel so sad. You do have the strength to change things, you just don't believe you do. This is because your DP has eroded all your self confidence. If nothing else you need to change things to protect your children. They will most certainly be affected by what is going on at home.

WA will help and support you. Try to find a time to call them. Your DC need you to protect them and love them. You cannot allow yourself to be beaten down by this bastard. You deserve so much better.

Thanks for you.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 20/06/2014 21:11

You are a lovely person, and you have done nothing wrong. You have certainly done nothing to deserve having your ribs broken. You are kind. You were so very kind to me yesterday, with some gentle thanks and encouragement, and it gave me the strength to get through a really difficult afternoon/evening/night. So you are strong, gentle, kind and lovely.

To be honest though, none of that matters in a way, as no matter who you are, nobody has the right to be violent towards you. You have intrinsic worth and rights as a person, no matter who you are.

You don't have to deal with him though, if you want you can just leave with your DCs while he is out and not talk to him.

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/06/2014 21:16

Please call Women's Aid sweetie. They can help get you to a refuge and you will be able to get away from this bastard.

Quitelikely · 20/06/2014 21:18

We are here if you want to keep talking to let it all out. Is there no way you can make amends with your mother or father? Do they see the dc?

Original poster
HappyLandSpaceMan · 20/06/2014 21:22

My parents are not here anymore, I have 4 sisters and 3 of them won't talk to me and the other one is no where near here and wouldn't understand if I spoke to her. I had a friend but I lost her number.
I just want to be gone now. I am tired, my dc Aunty is much better as a mum than I am. She loves them and she has a lovely home, I know they are in safe hands there so there is nothing to hold me here

OP posts: