This is not right but I don't know how to change it

[HappyLandSpaceMan]

I have been in my current relationship for 6 years now. We have 2 dc.
He is not making me happy and his behaviour isn't right towards me. I do know that much. I don't want to be with him but I have no idea how to leave him. I need him to function, or that's how it feels anyway. I don't know how to make it all better.

He always always knows

Happyland, from the sounds of it, he is already very angry. Even if you don't do this, he will still be angry, right?

If you do this, at least he will be angry away from you and your child and he won't be able to hurt you. They will help keep him away from you. You can decide for how long. This is your life and your decision. You are in control.

The number for WA won't appear on your phone bill. If you are concerned that he may have ways of finding out what you look at online then perhaps phoning would be the best option?

Would it be too far fetched to suggest he has a key logger on your pc? or has the room bugged?

I seriously think my Ex did something like that, but then, I know the worry just makes you paranoid anyway.

I just feel broken
I am living proof that broken people can be mended, op. Will mend themselves, given chance.

Now, you've had a lot of good advice. As people have said, small steps.
One of the first small steps is to not tell him things. Have your own small secrets. Practise. If he doesn't know you've phoned/emailed Women's Aid, he can't be angry about it. If that step is too far, do something smaller, and don't tell him.

I never told my ex h that I didn't put butter on his toast if he was having jam on it. I even lied, for at least a year. It meant nothing to the rest of the universe, but it was a small triumph for me and I still think of it over a quarter of a century later.

Also Happy, there are lots of women he call the helpline from public phone boxes. That could be an option for you if you decide to phone.

Hello Happyland. Good to see you posting here, lovely.

Agree with what others have said. The main thing you can change is to get away from him, as he is violent and conditioning you to blame tourself for the things he does wrong. That would be the moat effective thing to do. You might feel your depression then clears up!

If you still have work to do on self esteem, you have more of a chance of it being effective if the people around you appreciate you and the person you are. My DH is not violent at all. He loves me and the kids. I am still struggling with self esteem issues as I have a huge amount to deal with on a daily basis! I go to an NHS course for low self esteem and it is really helping me give myself the recognition and appreciation I deserve, and mot rely on or so desperately need it from others. It takes time though. Thwre are no quick fixes. I find it a challenge. I cannot imagine how hard it would be with an adult hwre telling me nasty things and being violent.

You really do deserve better than that, lovely, and so does your DC.

If you do want to leave, and you have time to put things together, you need to take your own documents and your DCs. Things like passports, birth certificates, id, bank books/ cards, passwords, bank account details, recent bank statement of your account, your NHS and NI numbers, etc. Possibly photos. Evidence of his violence etc. Access to some money to live off that he can't cut off (but I think Women's Aid can help you there if you can't manage that.) Then the usual bag of changes of clothes and shoes for you and DC, coats etc.

We respect you. He should respect you, to be allowed anywhere near you or your DC.

I'm sure others can come up with a better list than this.

Oh bless you - he really has done a number on you.
You sound terrified.
Do try your best to call Womens Aid.
They can and will help you get out.
It's going to be scary as hell to start with, but you need to do this for your own health and for your DD.

Try not to change your behaviour at all.
You've taken first steps now and you will start to feel stronger.
Don't let him see it until you have a solid exit plan.

Make sure you delete your internet history as well!

Sweetheart, if you're that scared it is that bad.

No one should live in that level of fear, BUT you've already taken the first biggest step. You've shared your feelings and fear with us.

Telling someone is the big step and you've done that already, so its lots of small steps from here.

Take a breath and 5 minutes, figure out where/when is the best way to contact WA.

How are you doing OP?

I don't really know I am sad I just had enough, I don't think I am going to have the strength to call anyone or tell people what he's like properly I don't know how

You're telling us though. You've made a start, at least.

Sometimes, these things take time. Don't feel bad if you're not rushing off to pack your bags and get into a refuge. Sometimes just posting on here takes so much strength and bravery that you might feel you don't have much left for anything else, at least for a bit.

But don't kid yourself that it's 'not bad enough', or that you can change him. Keep yourself safe, and keep posting, because you do need to get out at some point, hopefully soon.

then have a cup of tea and be glad your thoughts have come together. that might be enough for today. you can do one more small step tomorrow, and so on.

You've done it for us in your post so you just have to do that really.
You could just read out your posts from this thread and see what they say.
Or email them. Then call them later and tell them you have emailed and aren't confident to talk too much but want advice.

You really really really need to get yourself and your DC away from this vile man.

It's doing none of you any good. You get one life! That's it - ONE!
Don't live yours in fear.

I phoned them Happyland and was sure my case wasn't bad enough to warrant calling them. They couldn't have been more helpful and took time to give me lots of useful contacts and convinced me I've been subjected to psychological abuse for a long time. It does such bad things to you especially if you are decent enough to question yourself when someone suggests you have a problem and it very much sounds like you are.
if you start to believe this isn't your fault (and trust me you'll doubt it from time to time) you can start to make changes. Think of the atmosphere for the children which can't be great and go and talk t your GP.

Good luck!!

If I am going to try to leave it needs to be all done in one go otherwise he will kno and I won't be able to leave, I am just scared I'm being pathetic I know

There's nothing pathetic about being scared Happyland.

What's pathetic is the man who treats his wife like this. Not you.

It doesn't have to be today, but if and hopefully when you can call women's aid please know that they will be able to sort something out for you so very quickly. Normally within half an hour everything is sorted and you are on your way to somewhere safe.

happyland - please remember to delete your internet history if you think he will check it.

I haven't ever said any of it to anyone so this is all new to me but I doth get why I can't even make myself type it out here I think that's the first step because I can't contemplate being able to say it out Loud yet
I am posting from the app at the moment I don't think he looks at my phone

Put a password on your phone, then he can't look. Should it ever come up, say you could not work out how to switch the password requirement off.
You are walking on eggshells, this is only going to get worse.
Please, please phone womens aid.

There's a password on it but I will change it because he might know it

Hi Happyland - you probably can't type it out yet because that means that you have to accept what has happened, and that can be extremely difficult. But I have faith that you can do it - maybe not today, but you can.

I'm trying to write it out now. Will see if I can

Take a deep breath, and good luck. If you can, that's another step forwards. If you can't then you are no further back.

This is the first time I am admitting to any of this so please bear with me if it is rambled or doesn't make sense
We have been together 6 years, we got together when I was 18. At first we were quite happy, he has always been jealous and a bit possessive but at first it was quite sweet, I liked to be cared for. I hadn't been in any relationships before this and I don't know if I was happy at first but I felt it was a good relationship.
When I was about 22 a man I went to school with messaged me on Facebook and I was happy to hear from him because we were quite good friends. I told my partner about it and he went crazy. He smashed my laptop screen and really hurt me too. I wasn't happy with him and I stood up for myself. He made it obvious to me that it was my fault and I really believed him. I ended up apologising to him over and over for days, he wouldn't talk to me for so long and then he slowly let me back in but with lots of conditions. I feel like that's the turning point of the relationship.
Ever since he has openly been cheating on me and hurting me. I was pregnant at the time when this person messaged me.
I think it's too much detail I don't think I can finish it but writing some out has made it more real