This is not right but I don't know how to change it

[HappyLandSpaceMan]

I have been in my current relationship for 6 years now. We have 2 dc.
He is not making me happy and his behaviour isn't right towards me. I do know that much. I don't want to be with him but I have no idea how to leave him. I need him to function, or that's how it feels anyway. I don't know how to make it all better.

it might be along the lines of "fuck you mind, telling me to cut"

sorry, x-posts with everyone!

Anger is SOOO good provided it is not turned inwards. Isn't that a saying - depression is frozen anger or anger directed against the self. Starving yourself, harming yourself are all forms of anger turned against the self because it can be so difficult to express anger esp if you are from a family who didn't express it well.

What could you do rather than cut? Could you write a letter (and not send) to someone - ex or yourself, whoever feels right - and just let it all out. Say anything you like. No-one will ever read.

Someone on another thread had a lovely suggestion for someone who had the urge to cut. I wish I could remember it or post the link but I'm a bit rubbish at that. it was along the lines of drawing a butterfly on your arm. I think. Can anyone else remember?

Do you have any photos of yourself as a kid, say a five-year-old? I remember when I was struggling a bit and not being particularly kind to myself and I remember finding a photo of myself as a kid and just thinking look at that innocent, vulnerable kid. She needs love and care and kindness. So do you xx

Whoknows - that's a beautiful idea .. butterfly drawing ... and a lovely post too

Thnks Tipsy. I wish I could find the original post about the butterfly thing because I did think it was beautiful when i read it.

Happy, hope you are okay and buzzed the nurse. Hope it's the lovely nurse xx

Nurse called on call doctor he is coming I am panicking but it is calming being on here I thank you all for your kind words and I will post again tomorrow or the next day x

Well done Happy!

you are AMAZING!!! x

Well done Happy. Hope you have a decent sleep after the doctor comes and post whenever you feel like it xx

keep on keeping on, Happy... I'm glad your somewhere safe and that you can focus on recovery. Don't let him beat you, we are all here cheering you on.

Just remember that you are changing the lives of your dc for the better. It's a tough journey for you, but you are giving them their future. Because of that, you really rock

From wavesandsmiles thread - Happy, also a thread with a total abuser from a dh.

'De lurking to wish you well.
Re the cutting... This has really helped a friend on mine. It's called the Butterfly Project. From the site, here www.recoveryourlife.com/index.php?categoryid=148
"The idea is simple. The self-harmer simply draws a butterfly on their place(s) of self-harm and, if the butterfly fades without them self-harming, it means it has lived and flown away, giving them a sense of achievement."

It seems even the act of drawing a butterfly helps distract. I truly hope it works for you.'

Hope the link works!

Must credit the original poster PeriPathetic. I like the idea of buterflies all up your arm, Happy.

And do post a few more 'fuck you's !!

I want To go home i can't do it i need to talk to ss too about my dc I don't know whT I've done

Dear Happy - i'm really not sure if you're in a going-home state? What do the doctors say? What can't you do? What do you mean you don't know what you've done?

Calm down, breathe slowly ...

I ruined it my children need him he was never horrible to them and I need to go home so I can tell ss. I feel I don't know what's going on

Happy

Why do you need to talk to SS Hun? As you CM said something? Could you perhaps explain a bit more Hun

I really think you should try to just get a little more stable, you wanted to go last night and was wanting to cut! Just think how that would be if you had access to it!!!!!

My thoughts are with you, I know exactly what your going through. Give it time, I know if you get your DC settle this will settle your mind from a lot of worry.
Can your sister or CM have them for just say a couple of weeks?
I know it's all questions and you prob think shut the fuck up aghhh
But sometimes once our problems are sorted we start to feel calmer and bit more settled.
Xxx

Happy - slow down and then stop. Please.

You are not thinking right or clear at the moment.

You have NOT ruined anything. You are in a negative cycle of repetitive self-abusing thought. It will cycle through and pass.

He is an abusing rapist who mistreated his family.
Your children do NOT need him.

This is not how social services work either as far as I know. Have you been offered any immediate counselling, Happy?

Happy,
My ex husband never did anything to my son, paid for is up keep but that was it!
My son was brought up fine with me as a single parent, I was brought up by my mum my dad died when I was 2 and I'm fine! You don't have to have 2 parents it doesn't make you any different 1 or 2 parents
Your children are very young, would you have them living in a house where there open to see argument, abuse etc or just with you in an happy environment ?

happy please talk to the nurse or the therapist there about all this?

I suspect even if you call SS they will only want to help you and your children stay together anyway. It feels as if you want to punish yourself again and by having your children 'taken away' this is the way to do it.

But don't forget this would punish them as well, and I know you don't want that.

Use your energy in a different way. Channel it into getting your recovery on course. I know it seems a million miles away right now, but your situation WILL improve.

Deep breaths, concentrate on the out breath.

Call the nurse, speak to someone please.

I want them to have a mum who can look after them without being stupid like I am
And they're a good age to be adopted
I need ss to start looking

Happy - SS will not let your dc go to a violent father. No way. He may get supervised contract, in a contact centre, but that is it. He is in prison awaiting a charge of rape (and hopefully GBH against you) - your dc do not need this man in thier lives. SS exist to protect children from people like him! Really.

He may never have been horrible to them (YET! They are only small!) but they will have seen violence done to you. That is awful, and just as abusive and damaging to their small, developing minds, as violence against them. You KNOW this. If HE has influence in their lives, once your son is old enough to think for himself, he will start to copy his dad. Your daughter will assume it is right and proper for a man/partner to hit, rape and abuse her.

Break the cycle. You have already broken the cycle - keep them away from him, and any others like him. Surround them with people who lovethem, and want to develop and nurture their little, questing, absorbing minds.

You are doing so well. You really are. Soon you will be well, and living in a calm and happy household with your lovely dc. Aim at that - you can do it. You are doing it.

Keep saying that to your self. You can do it - you are doing it.

SS will/should try to keep you all together. You gain strength and motivation from being there for them, they get their real-life mummy, who loves them much much more than any one else can.

You are not stupid, You really are not stupid - you are a strong, resourceful, brave woman who is just a little lost right now.

If you find yourself in Hell, keep going!

Winston Churchill!

You are most certainly NOT stupid!
Look what you've done for your DC and for yourself.
You aren't out of the other side yet and things still look bleak.
But you will get the right medication.
You will get help.
And you WILL get better.
When you are better you can be there for your DC.
For now though, you need to take a step back.
Look after yourself.
Get yourself better.
Then you can look at the bigger picture and things will be much clearer.
They won't be clear now so there is not point stressing about everything.
You have done wonders with your DC and you know you have.
They are as lost and confused as you are right now.
But you will get better and you can then parent and guide them as you have been doing so far.
They most certainly do NOT need to be with their violent, rapist of a father. You must see that!

Lean on your CM. Lean on your friends and family until you are better.
Then you can get out and lead the life you always wanted.
You've come way to far to throw that away now.
Keep going, keep focussed on you and everything else will fall into place.

Happy - you should try and re-direct this energy, as springbaby suggested.

Is there anyone you can talk to now? Is the nurse available?
Are you on a ward or in a room alone?

SS will not simply put your children on a list for re-homing. This is not how it works. You need to get you "working". This is your only mission for the next few days. Time to step up to your own plate happy, but you know what? We're all willing you on and we're here for you!

Your babies want you, not some super smart brain box substitute Mummy. They don't care what your IQ is, just that you put them first.