This is not right but I don't know how to change it

[HappyLandSpaceMan]

I have been in my current relationship for 6 years now. We have 2 dc.
He is not making me happy and his behaviour isn't right towards me. I do know that much. I don't want to be with him but I have no idea how to leave him. I need him to function, or that's how it feels anyway. I don't know how to make it all better.

Of course they don't hate you! They are unsettled, understandably. They have left daddy, (though I get the feeling they were not unhappy at leaving daddy!) and now mummy is also not there. Not only that, but you are in a strange place, possibly with strange smells, and people they don't know; of course they will not want to relax and be happy. They are so small, they are led by simple feelings. This is why you hope to get better as quick as you can, so you can re-start your new life with them, in safety.

You are doing it for them, as much as for you. You are doing so well.

Oh, sweetheart, they don't hate you They're just little children feeling discombobulated by changes happening. Hold on to thoughts of DD sleeping through that very first night in the hotel, and getting herself to the toilet. You gave her that confidence, that security! And you'll carry on giving them confidence & security, which they would never have with their father.

They're too small to understand that people have to go away to hospital, even parents. I remember being really angry when Mum had complications with my sister's birth. Obviously I thought she should be with me, I was only four. Just tell them you're poorly and the hospital's making you better. Keep talking to them, and check in with the childminder. What's she told them so far?

You will be okay. Things ARE getting better! xx

The kids have had a lot of upheaval so they are unsettled, that's all. You're their mum and they love you.

Happy, it must of been very hard for you to see your DC like this, especially when you were feeling slightly better today!.

There reaction to you was the didn't recognize the place you were in, remember they only ever see you at home! Children don't
Ike unfamiliar place, how many times have you taken them places and they have clung to you, not looking at anybody. This is normal.

They don't hate you, how can they your their mummy it's just change again that's thrown them that's all.
Stop crying,your emotionally hurting yourself and will be getting things out of context.

Try and see that you're moving forward in baby steps - just like so many told you at the beginning of your thread and journey. Read others' stories on MN and you'll see there's no magic wand, only a brave woman struggling to do the right thing.

Bravery is feeling terrified and still doing the right thing. That's you, you know. Children do hate change. But they hate their mother being abused far more.

I just need to be out of here
I'm sorry I have turned very negative I think I should maybe be off this thread you are all being so positive and I'm just bad

You are positive, just ground down by circumstance. You are not alone, you will one day look back and see all the crap that was put upon you. Lots of people suffer from depression and need support- you've had a terrible time. You will come out of the hospital, you will recover, take all the support you can. You are a wonderful person,super mum. I am a nurse and know a bit about mental health issues and abuse.KEEP GOING, you're a lovely person xxxx

It's easy for us - we're not facing what you're facing. We just want to hold your hand. If you were able to be totally positive you wouldn't need us, and we wouldn't feel the need to support you. Does that make sense?

And so many on here have had experiences that mean that they can understand and offer help. I can't - I just want to reach out to you to tell you that you're not alone.

Oh darling

If you are feeling negative, then be negative. You don't have to 'be' anything for anyone here - WE are all here for YOU, not vice versa :)

All any of us here want to do is support you. There is absolutely no onus on you to do anything, not even reply if you don't feel like it. And nobody will mind as long as you know that support IS here if you want it.

With regards to your children - honestly, they will just be unsettled, with the general situation and the hospital. It's totally natural and totally normal (albeit upsetting at the time).
In a few years they'll barely remember this time. I echo the above poster who mentioned about your daughter sleeping through and going to the toilet by herself. YOU DO give them confidence. It's just this transitional period that'll be difficult.

You are clearly a strong, intelligent and resourceful woman who has been worn down by a horrible situation.
Whilst aunties and childminders will come and go, you will ALWAYS be their mother, their constant, and they will love you so much for what you've done for them.

Xxx

And so many on here have had experiences that mean that they can understand and offer help.

This is an excellent point.
Happy, this time next year it could well be you giving advice to some other woman about how you overcame your struggles and had the courage to leave such an abusive situation.

It's all just wrong I'm sorry X

Hi Happy

So you get out of there, you go to the CM get your DC back. Ok
But what next, couple days down the road you feel down, things going through your head, thoughts spiral out of control and what! You Cut again, can't cope take the DC to CM/Auntie. Get what I'm saying it's a vicious circle, and until you stop it it will just go round and round.

We are here to support you if you want us, yes it does sound positive positive!what were all saying and you feel like crap and don't want to listen to positive statements why would you!

You to can get better, give yourself that chance. Hugs xxxxx

What are you sorry for?

whenever your mind starts repeating "i am bad" you need to try and introduce your mind-friend who says "i am good" - let the mind-friend repeat this until the other mind shuts up.

Your children are unsettled like everyone is saying. Have you told them you are ill? Maybe you should say something to the effect that yes you're in hospital but that's so you can get better. I don't know what's best on that score. But they love you always. They are safe because of you. Now you are also safe because of you.

You are amazing!!!

Your highs and lows flow through quite fast. Keep checking if you are on the right meds, dosage ...

Acknowledge your highs and lows but don't let either control or own you. Remember that, although this is the last thing it feels like, you are a FREE woman!

and btw ... you are AMAZING!

Ha! You posted a 'Fuck You'! Good work Feel free to keep telling everything to fuck off!

I think I might be giving up now and it's just scary
Ah I just feel horrible and sorry and numb

Really?? You ... Happy ... posted a "fuck you" ??

woooo hoooo .... awesome! ... again, again!

I think I feel angry yes

Happy - there is nothing to give up. You are safe. Medicated. Not currently hurting. Numb can be good. Like a cocoon. You are not with the monster. Your DC are safe. This is a holding time until you're ready for the next step.

Just now, there's nothing to fight, nothing to fear. It's a good time to rest actually. Isn't there a (biblical?) thing where the saying goes, when the sea is rough the fishermen stay ashore and mend their nets ready for when the sea is kind again ...

Anger is a fine weapon once you understand that it should not be turned on yourself. Like a scythe, it should be swung away from you where it is required for the good of all. Getting rid of the crap seems a good use in my opinion *heh

Yes happy get your anger out there! Just make sure it's pointed in the right direction honey x

It's making me feel more suicidal because I can't cut

Dearest Happy.

There is absolutely no onus on you to do anything, not even reply if you don't feel like it. And nobody will mind as long as you know that support IS here if you want it.

THIS

You don't need to apologise or update or feel guilty or anything. In fact, if you want, you could practise your assertiveness and tell us to get to fuck with the relentless positivity! (I'm going to read that Fuck YOu thread!)

I wanted to say sorry to you for being a bit a bit brutal earlier. I think it was a bit harsh when I said about your son and daughter in the future. I was just so angry that a man has nearly broken a lovely, kind, creative, intelligent young woman.

Although the journey is so tough, I'm so glad you are in hospital and trying to get better. As Mini05 says, what is the alternative - you cut again or go back to your ex and the cycle continues. You deserve so much more. You deserve to live in safety. You deserve to discover who you are. You deserve to live in peace.

Still thinking of you all the time. Still rooting for you. Still wanting to hug you xxx

Happy - do you have a buzzer? Call the nurse now. This is exactly the kind of moment they need to know about to see if you are on the right meds and whatever. Buzz now please.

Your not-right mind is telling you to cut.
What could your mind-friend say to stop you feeling like this?

Did you buzz the nurse?