This is not right but I don't know how to change it

[HappyLandSpaceMan]

I have been in my current relationship for 6 years now. We have 2 dc.
He is not making me happy and his behaviour isn't right towards me. I do know that much. I don't want to be with him but I have no idea how to leave him. I need him to function, or that's how it feels anyway. I don't know how to make it all better.

Hi darling Happy
You are in the best place possible right now - it might not have felt like that at first but it is a relief because you need help, care and attention lovely girl.
You have done so well, soooo well to have made it this far. You've hit rock bottom now darling, things can only get better from now I promise x

Happy - you are doing SO incredibly well. I'm so happy to hear that you're being well looked after.

Your strength at this time will be an amazing example to your children in years to come :)

His cousin is so angry with me he keeps messaging and calling me
I am just tired I want to leave this place
Dc are coming to see me today with the childminder
I'm starting with a therapist today and having a psych assessment too

Please show your therapist the texts and messages.
You need to report this cousin to the police.
It's harrassment and all part of the abuse cycle and you need it to stop so you need to involve the authorities to make sure it does stop.
You do not need to put up with it.
Keep all the texts and any messages as proof and get him reported.

I'm really pleased to hear you are getting lots of help and support.
It will all help towards giving yourself and your DC a better future.

Enjoy seeing the kids later. Lots of hugs and kisses for and from them!

Happy, I'm glad to hear you're starting with a therapist today and having a psych assessment. I know you just want to leave but you need to get better.

Any chance of telling someone at the hospital, or better, phoning the police about the moronic cousin. How fcking dare he be angry with you. What for - daring to stand up to your ex and refuse to be abused and treated appallingly. His anger is very misdirected. But this can't be helping your state of mind so you really should report him. He's harassing you. I think you might feel a bit better once you tell someone - either at hospital or police.

I am so angry on your behalf at these totally inadequate bullying men who need to abuse a vulnerable young woman to feel good about themselves. Pieces of shit. Sorry. But honestly.

Oh, and keep the messages.

Are the staff okay? Are they looking after you? Take all the help you can get there. It will be lovely to see your children.

I know this is all so hard and scary but I think/hope you're on the road to recovery xx

Definitely report the arsehole cousin! How about ringing the police officer who helped you before? Tell the shrink & therapist about it, too, along with everything else.

Happy, I am SO pleased you're starting therapy today :) This really is the next step in getting the better life you and your children deserve. It's great that DC will see you today, as well!

Your ex and his family are committing crimes against you - it's not your job to put up with it, they are vicious criminals and they are wrong. Nobody needs to suffer abuse, that's why there are laws against it.

I'm proud of you today

happy, hope you managed to get some sleep to rest your tired mind and body.

Re the cousin (dick head) blocked his number then you won't get upset and troubled by the dick head.

Very happy your DC are coming to see you, your CM is a star!!! There's not many about like her.

Great your able to access treatment, your in the right place although it may not seem like it to you just now. This is the only way you will get the help you need without going on waiting list sometimes months and months and you need to start now Hun.

Take care and don't forget BLOCK HIS number xxxxx

I feel really high and happy, I want to settle down or feel like this for good but now I'm just waiting for the next low, I don't know
I will call the dv officer about his cousin today
I have met a lovely nurse too and dc will be here at 3

I'm so pleased it's going well for you right now.
Lows tend to follow highs but hopefully the highs will be more frequent soon and last longer as you work your way through all of this.

Very glad you are phoning the DV unit regarding the cousin.
Have a nice time with the children.
You are doing so very well. Keep going.

Found your thread last night and just want to encourage you to carry on fighting. No advice - just listen to the wise women on here and take each day as it comes. You ARE amazing.

Just enjoy the moments!!!!!

Hello Happy,
I've never posted on here before, so I hope I'm doing it right.... but reading your thread has just left me in awe of what an amazing strong woman you are, even though you don't feel it, you are doing so well despite the awful shit life keeps on throwing you and what that unspeakable bastard has abused you into believing. Your kids have a lot to be proud of, I promise, you are one very, very brave woman. xxxxxx

Happy - I'm so glad you are getting the treatment you deserve. You are in the right place, you need to acccess all the help they can give you.

Re asshole cousin - def show the texts to the police. He has absolutely no right, no grounds to be angry at you. You ARE doing the right thing. The rest of us need protection from the likes of them.

The brother and cousin may very well be being lied to by him by the way. I am in no way justifying them contacting you like this, but don't let it affect you and keep your phone off if you can. I should think it highly unlikely he's told them that he has been repeatedly raping and beating you, even when you're pregnant and that's why you have finally found the courage to report him to the police and that's why he's being detained until his court appearance. These men are liars not only to everyone in their lives but to themselves too - all his actions are justified in his mind.....he will never change that outlook on life.

Just ignore the phone and concentrate on getting better - your child minder sounds fantastic by the way!! Use this time alone to properly get well again gorgeous x

He's being very aggressive he is saying I have to be with him
But the dv officer is going to call me back
I just don't know I am trying to distract myself on here but I feel a bit panicky and desperate maybe

Hang in there lovely. Your dc will be with you soon, hopefully the dv officer will have rung by then.

Stay strong

Hi sweetie sorry haven't been on here for a while, been so busy. Glad to hear you're feeling generally more calm now. Don't let these messages you're getting derail the progress you're making. Ignore, ignore, ignore! Just tell the people who need to know. You're doing fabulously hun. Enjoy your visit with the dc today. I bet they're so excited to see you! X

Sending you love and strength x

You don't 'have to be with' anyone! Least of all an abuser/rapist/wife beater. Who you are 'with' is up to no-one else but you!

Ignore. Tell DV/WA/police. Hopefully they will pay him a visit and explain things.

Dc came early, DS didn't want to see me, he was clinging onto cm. I feel sick to my stomach. Dd would hardly talk to me. I just can't stop crying
My babies don't even want to know me. I've done it all wrong

This is all designed to undermine you, to make you doubt yourself, to think that maybe it wasn't really that bad, maybe you just imagined it, maybe it was your fault. No! No! No! No!

Sorry to repeat this but your ex broke your ribs, he raped you. You absolutely do not need to be with him. And why the hell does moron cousin think it's his place to tell you you should be with an abuser. What the fck is it with these pathetic bullies.

Please ignore him and please tell DV officer.

Hope you had a lovely time with your children xx

Oh dear sorry x-posts. Your children will just be feeling unsettled and that is completely normal.

You haven't done it all wrong sweetheart. It is hellish just now but in the long term you have done the best thing possible for your beautiful children - you have removed yourself and them from an abusive, violent home and you are getting yourself better. You are in hospital because there was a risk you were going to do the irreversible.

Although it would be very hard maybe it is better that you concentrate on getting you better for a few days and let the children be looked after by CM/aunty. That will not do them any harm. It might just be unsettling for them to see you in a strange place xx

That must have been hard but you must not let this put you off honey. The children don't understand any of what's been going on lately so do NOT take it personally. They can be funny little buggers at that age anyway, even after a day's babysitting it can take my ds a little while to reconnect with me. It is better that things are like this for the short term, than they lose you forever which is what might have happened otherwise.

Try to keep sight of the bigger picture.

I'm sure your cm is doing all she can to keep you in the children's minds while you're in hospital. Make sure she has some photos of you all together, or even just some of you that they can look at whenever they want to.

Concentrate on getting better so that you and your dc can get your lives on track forever. You can do it! X

No I can't they hate me now and that's all that even mattered I left because everyone told me that my dc needed me to leave but now they're not happy

Dear Happy. The visit with your babies must have been so incredibly difficult. But please try to remember that children do not like change, they are little creatures of habit. It may seem like they hate you at this moment and that you have ruined their world. You absolutely haven't. You have done the opposite. It is just that they are also going through a period of immense change which is always unsettling in the short-term.

The other option - staying with a violent man - might seem easier in the short-term. Because that is what you are all used to. But in the longer-term, it would have been awful for you and your children. Your son and daughter would think that it is the norm for a relationship. They would not have stood a chance of forming a healthy, equal, respectful relationship. Imagine your daughter being beaten and raped. Imagine your son ending up in prison for perpetrating DV. Sorry to be so blunt and brutal, but that is what would likely happen. Also, you only need to read the threads on this board to see that adult children who have grown up in homes where there is DV are understandably so angry at both their parents - the one for not leaving as well as the perpetrator.

I'm so sorry that the visit was unsettling and upsetting for everyone but you have come so very far. Could you ask the nice nurse or a therapist for some advice on this - is it better that you continue to see your children every day or would it be better that you don't for a little while.

I know this is completely utterly different but when I had my first weekend away from my kids my mum asked me not to call them as they were so unsettled when I did. Also, as Spring says, they can take a while to re-connect. My DD seemed unsettled for a few days. I actually said to my mum, it's as if she hates me for leaving her for a weekend. But they so quickly come round.

Your beautiful children need you to be strong and well. You are doing the right thing - for you and your children xx