Week from hell. I think DH has lost the plot.

[Fideliney]

He seems to be saying today that he would rather divorce than curb his hoard, but he's flip-flopping a lot.

Any hoarding widows about who can help me decode this escalating mess?

The background is a shit year of ill health and various stresses. The hoarding has been spiralling. Exhausted and at a bit of a loss

Nobody?

It sounds like his hoarding problem has tipped over into mental illness? I'm not saying you should excuse it on the grounds of mental health but could there be an actual concern?

Failing that, can you use containment strategies to keep it to a few rooms?

It keeps creeping back out. That's what has caused tension.

I have been saying for about six months that I think there is an actual MH issue. He won't address it.

I feel strangely stumped.

I might book into a hotel for a few nights.

Hello, my husband hoards. I would say its not too bad but actually i think most people think it is. Its not up to the ceiling. He does (i believe) also have mh issues and we as a couple do not communicate well. Well we had the talk last night and i think that might be the end. Barely touched on the hoard actually but i used it as an example of 'how he is'

I just wanted to offer my support. I know its not easy. I will be devastated if he goes, but in reity have already started planning the clearout in my head.

Does he hoard anything in particular or is it all just junk/stuff that has no use at all?

Have you room for a container/shed in the garden for it all?

I think checking into a hotel is a great idea Fideliney.

He needs to see how serious you are.

The context is that I am recuperating from chronic illness, doing very little work at the moment, trying to get my medication balanced (suffering horrible side effects) ready to go FT (freelance) again in September. Last week my desk was colonized which felt like a crunch point. I mean my desk is entirely invisible under and behind several rows of boxes. He can't really explain what is in the boxes. They are heavy.

My actual study was lost to the hoard two and a bit years ago and has been a storage room ever since, despite strategies, deals, promises etc.

He did (finally) wean himself off a decade long and expensive reliance on commercial storage units late last year at my existence but I don't see much evidence of the sift/condense operation that was supposed to be part of the decant.

One teenager finished exams last week and is at a loose end.

thumb I have bought two additional sheds since xmas which he has constructed and filled already. It seems to be the general stirring of stuff that process provoked that is linked to the sudden overflow IYSWIM

I am just so so fucked off. How can a grown man be defeated by stuff? The logic of splitting up being easier doesn't even make sense but I'm close to not sodding caring anyway.

Am looking at hotels online. The question is what to do with the teens?

Thanks for listening.

Does he hoard anything in particular or is it all just junk/stuff that has no use at all?

A lot of it is stuff linked to his work that called be called memorabilia (don't want to say what his work is) but it's not just the obvious/commercial stuff - it is everything. It also seems to be ever piece of paper that has ever passed through his hands. He did burn out a shredder in one mammoth session last autumn but it barely made a dent in it all.

I has been very noticeable that storage units have often remained unvisited for years. So much of the stuff isn't needed/visited/seen frequently.

I've lived with a hoarder, Fideliney and I'm afraid that I don't think your situation is fixable from what you've said. I'd be looking at ways to leave.

Is the house in both your names/ mortgaged/rented whatever? (Leave aside all thoughts of the hoard if it came to a sale: you could force clearance on that and it would be his problem.)

Both names, shared ownership. We'd have to sell - the combination of mortgage, rent and service charge is ruinously expensive . I couldn't cover it. We have a healthy chunk of equity but not healthy enough for round here. I'd have to leave London.

But I have two teens in sixth form come Sept and another choosing options so I can't do that.

What a fucking car crash.

Did you just walk cozie?

Put a lock on your study door? Make that one room a private clear space for you to work in and don't give him access. I realise that's not the ultimate solution, but it may give you a tiny bit of control.

Just noticed my user name is kind of ironic. Sorry!

I think you possibly could do that, actually. Admittedly the timing isn't great but I would never underestimate the effect of living in a hoarded house upon youngsters. That in itself (but also allied with a disastrous relationship between their parents - which it must be) could be enough to seriously affect their studies.

Have you talked to them about the situation? They're only young and would have plenty of time to recover in a healthier environment.

What would happen if you took everything from your desk and out of your study and simply chucked it?

He has no right to take over space that you need, and it's just plain arrogant.

Extreme hoarding is always a mental health issue.

It's like any other addiction - you won't be able to fix it and you can't make him want to.

If it's starting to become overwhelming I think you will need to think about leaving him to it, for your own sake but especially for your children.

Hand holding from here Fidel
I am engaged to a hoarder and buying a house with him.
His first wife ran away from the hoard.
His parents destroyed their home and he had to clear it out. It gave him a horrible warning of the future.

Am I crazy to contemplate this? I don't know.
We have read lots about the psychology of hoarding. It is an anxiety disorder and an addiction. If your DH accepts he has a problem he could be referred for psychological help.

I am starting with a hard line. Zoning for the hoard. Ruthless chucking. Zero tolerance in communal areas. I am the OCD neat freak and I need clutter free space to be calm and happy.

I would employ your teen to clear YOUR study out into the garden and let H deal with the consequences. If there is fall out then YOU can have mental health issues from the hoard which need addressing too. In my view hoarding is massively selfish behaviour which puts the precious stash above the wellbeing of the rest of the family. This is impacting on your health now.

Is your DH otherwise a good person? My DP is a loveable kind well meaning soul with poor boundaries who has never learned management of stuff. He wants to function better. But he knows I am not going to marry him if he puts his stuff before me. And he loves me a lot.

I am not sure how helpful the churning process is overall. It seems to me they spend a whole day moving things from A to B and just fall in love with it all over again. Best to go through it when they are out. My DP only misses about one item in 20 if I chuck stuff. Of 110 T shirts I put in a bag he has only asked for one of them. (a plain white one with holes in!!)

What do the kids think? Can they see how family unfriendly this is? Does it make them fed up too? Could you all sit down and give him an ultimatum?

The trouble is, kaykay, that if you start trying to fix individual symptoms (like the desk) you're also starting to take responsibility for the whole problem - which means that the hoarder can carry on in their merry way without worrying. In my experience, it doesn't work in the medium term let alone the long term.

Gosh I'm sorry op.
How awful.
I do agree with pp though...you can leave.
It will be hard, cost a lot of money but it can be done.
What do your dc feel about living like this?
Would they be happier elsewhere?

I do think you need to put you and your dc first.
If he won't see here is a problem and won't try to get help then there really isn't anything you can do.
Protect yourself from further trauma and leave.

Clean I am thinking more in terms of squeezing the rest of the overspill into my ex study while he's out. (My new 'study' is the dining end of the through room - i'm probably not being clear). The kids and I are certainly not spending the bloody summer staring at a wall of archive boxes in the living/dining room and I am not spending the summer unable to reach my work computer.

cozie I have been promising them that I am handling the situation for a while (self-deluding twit). DH is their stepfather. I feel strangely taken off guard by this. It feels like a sudden crisis. Fuck knows why. I suppose because I've been quite ill and that was the distracting headline of the past 12 months. Really not sure how I didn't notice this gathering pace though . I need to decide what to do. Then talk to the kids.

They have both won prestigous places at selective sixth forms, with no real help or advantage. DS's particularly is a once in a lifetime kind of thing and we can't leave London until they're done. I wonder how expensive it is to rent a shit hole these days?

Jeez, that sounds terrible. I'm a bit of a hoarder myself but not to that extent and everything I hoard has a use although DH is trying to get me to get rid of my books and get a Kindle thing - as if!

If you haven't already given him an ultimatum, that time might be now; but you would have to be prepared to follow through.

Or, you could attempt a commando-like exercise and stealthily remove his shit a box at a time, see if he even notices.

It's not easy to find braziers any more, but it is do-able - my Dad has a home made one (metal dustbin with biggish holes punched in it) - burning excess/waste paper is far more efficient and cheaper than shredding it, you just have to be aware of any byelaws with relation to bonfires etc.

In the meantime, insist that he clears your study/desk IMMEDIATELY, you don't care where but it has to GO NOW. Then get a lock on that door so further commandeering is simply not an option.

I come from a family of hoarders - again, not as bad as your DH but bad enough - I dread dread dread the day anything happens to my Dad as the thought of clearing his house is petrifying! It's not junk either - lots of it is collectable stuff, from lead soldiers to furniture

I wouldn't, Kouign. You start off strong (your statement about the hard line you would be taking) but you become 'worn down' by the relentless pressure, even if it's on the small things. Do you really want to be living like that after 20 years and maybe with DCs to complicate the mix even further?

At least with a 3 year old you have a fighting chance of them maturing out of difficult behaviours. Hoarders don't in my experience. (Or at least so few of them do that it wouldn't, to me, be worth the risk of ending up hating them.)

He has no right to take over space that you need, and it's just plain arrogant.

I agree. I also heard myself chucking the word manipulative around a lot yesterday (I completely lost my temper finally). I can't quite remember why that suddenly seemed so clear to me - it'll come back to me.

The thing is he is very nervy suddenly. A lot of hand wringing (literally) and edgy body language. It is out of character and I am quite concerned.

I am engaged to a hoarder and buying a house with him.

Don't do it.

DH is such a nice guy. ExH was a secret gambler. Who dropped the secrecy. Then started boozing. Then turned violent.

After him, a few signs of hoarding seemed so surmountable when I met DH and his niceness seemed so desirable when considering the responsibility of choosing a stepdad for the DC.

Hoarding is a deceptive horrible addiction like any other though. I have been kidding myself like a pro