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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Week from hell. I think DH has lost the plot.

235 replies

Fideliney · 18/06/2014 22:13

He seems to be saying today that he would rather divorce than curb his hoard, but he's flip-flopping a lot.

Any hoarding widows about who can help me decode this escalating mess?

The background is a shit year of ill health and various stresses. The hoarding has been spiralling. Exhausted and at a bit of a loss Sad

OP posts:
Verynovicegardener · 19/06/2014 08:29

Fideliney

As a pp has said, this level of hoarding does always have it's roots in psychological distress/ MH issues. It can be treated and there are specialists don't around the country who, if you DH was willing to work with them would likely be able to really help him.

Sadly, as in so many compulsive behaviours he may have to actually 'lose everything' or be at the precipice of doing so before he has the motivation to change, so sadly a I think all you can do is make a decision based on what you and your Dc need right now and then follow that course, with or without him.

It sound that as the Dc are at a critical stage in their education upping sticks is not a viable option, so how about doing as pp said, informing DH that as you will soon be returning to work FT you will require a space which will not be available to store anything other than your own work items. hence you will be disposing of any items that are in this room after say, one weeks time, into recycle/ skip/ rubbish. Stand form on this and if you have to carry it our then do place a lock on the door. This is not unkind it is to save your own sanity and enable you to work.

If I were you I would probably stop setting up sheds etc, as it is actually enabling him to continue his behaviour whilst minimising the negative consequences for himself. Continue to be clearance nd firm that other areas will need to be kept clear ( ie communal areas, kitchen, loos, hallways etc and that you will organise clearance by X or Y date.

Again this is to keep your sanity short term until you can make a proper plan to leave, as I suspect this is what it will come to.

Good luck

cozietoesie · 19/06/2014 08:32

....I have been kidding myself like a pro......

It can sneak up on you so I understand that.

By the way - I've never found that having one room cleared helps at all. It almost seems to act as a justification to the hoarder (there's one good place so that must be OK then? - things aren't so bad) and the rest of the house becomes floor to ceiling in any case.

It's an overall problem and not one which can be addressed piecemeal in my experience.

unrealhousewife · 19/06/2014 08:32

Fideliney if you kick him out he leaves you can get lodgers to fill the rooms he's currently filling with his hoards. Seriously in London you could easily make 100 a week for a room. If you give them two rooms it could be much more. Check out gumtree and Airbnb.

Or you both move out and let out the existing home.

KouignAmann · 19/06/2014 08:33

Cozie I won't marry him if he can't control his behaviour and he knows it. He is on a years trial in our new home.

My XH was a messy beggar but mainly through laziness and entitlement. I am used to running a tight ship! Our DC are all adult now and we wont be having more! Interestingly when I left XH he hired a housekeeper and she is far tougher on his mess than I ever was. So are the DC. I was just a pushover but with DP I am outspoken and fearless.

Fidel your DC sound wonderful. What would they like to have happen? Do they think the location is worth the struggle for living space?

Original poster
Fideliney · 19/06/2014 08:33

you're also starting to take responsibility for the whole problem

YYY cozie I have never yet touched a single sheet of his paper. But I might have to.

It's not easy to find braziers any more, but it is do-able - my Dad has a home made one (metal dustbin with biggish holes punched in it) - burning excess/waste paper is far more efficient and cheaper than shredding it, you just have to be aware of any byelaws with relation to bonfires etc.

I am a bit worried I'd provoke some kind of breakdown in him though Thumb

Might just take DS and drive to the coast for some contemplation to avoid doing something rash.

OP posts:
unrealhousewife · 19/06/2014 08:36

Christ Kouignan, 110 t shirts!Blush

cozietoesie · 19/06/2014 08:37

Some perspective might be good for you. Could you afford to stay somewhere overnight? (Even if only a tent in a coastal camping ground.)

Original poster
Fideliney · 19/06/2014 08:44

unreal Good ideas. I will read the lease and bumpf today to see what is allowed.

cozie the DDs both have school today and tomorrow. Can't decide, I need some kind of change of scene I think.

OP posts:
unrealhousewife · 19/06/2014 08:46

As you are married you might as well accept his offer of a divorce. That gives you the right to stay in the home and he can find a bedsit, which will benefit him anyway.

Hoarding can be a symptom of many different things, don't just put it down to MH, it could also be a form of abuse, as obstruction. A way of controlling someone by preventing them from reaching their full potential.

It can also be a form of territorialism. Like a dog marking it's territory. Don't get too hung up on his mental health, it is what it is and it's up to him to sort out.

That's my take on it anyway.

cozietoesie · 19/06/2014 08:48

Then get away for just a few hours this afternoon if you can - I think it might be good for you to get some sun and wind on your face.

Original poster
Fideliney · 19/06/2014 08:49

As a pp has said, this level of hoarding does always have it's roots in psychological distress/ MH issues. It can be treated and there are specialists don't around the country who, if you DH was willing to work with them would likely be able to really help him.

Thanks verynovice. Where would he find a specialist? If he shows any interest in finding one?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fideliney · 19/06/2014 08:54

As you are married you might as well accept his offer of a divorce.

The only text I have had thus far is an attempt to back pedal re divorce Hmm

Hoarding can be a symptom of many different things, don't just put it down to MH

Yes. It almost doesn't matter. The result is the same.

Then get away for just a few hours this afternoon if you can - I think it might be good for you to get some sun and wind on your face.

Very wise. I feel like a swift ultimatum is needed but it is imortant it isn't half-baked. Sun and wind sounds good Smile

OP posts:
TheHoneyBadger · 19/06/2014 09:00

i think i would empty the study and put a lock on it as others have suggested. possibly i'd give an ultimatum first - either you clear it by next weekend or i will and will burn/dump/whatever everything that is in there. if he doesn't do it go ahead and do it.

then you have one room AND he knows you mean it.

next ultimatum would be right, the living room - no way the kids are spending summer staring at all that shite and not being able to have a functional home. you clear it by date x or i will, my way.

i appreciate you're nervous of creating a breaking point BUT maybe as with any other addiction there has to be a rock bottom to face how bad things are and seek help?

that's one issue, the other (which is really important) is getting you and your children a functional home. the ultimatums work on the latter but may also push him to the former at the same time.

right now i'd focus on you needing a place to work and having every right to it and your children needing a functional home where they can relax and study and not be too mortified to ever bring a friend round.

unrealhousewife · 19/06/2014 09:02

I think his hoarding would be unreasonable behaviour or irreconcilable differences. You can still get divorced, it's your choice. Get some sun and wind on your face then see a solicitor.

Remember this about you and your children, and he will be fine, possibly happier somewhere he can collect stuff without feeling guilty.

MrsCakesPremonition · 19/06/2014 09:07

If you push him and he breaks, but can eventually be helped, is that a realistic alternative to divorce?

Original poster
Fideliney · 19/06/2014 09:25

His father killed himself. I suppose that is what is nagging at me.

I need to give my brain a chance to catch up. Thanks all.

OP posts:
HolgerDanske · 19/06/2014 09:45

You don't necessarily have to get divorced - you could maintain a relationship without living together. Leaving him to his hoard doesn't necessarily mean you have to leave him cast adrift altogether. But I would definitely prioritise safeguarding your and your children's home life, happiness and mental well being.

TheHoneyBadger · 19/06/2014 09:47

that's actually a good point holger - a relationship can definitely still be a relationship without living together. financially i'm guessing it would be an utter nightmare though.

fideliney - yes have a rest and digest for 24hrs and see where you're at.

Viviennemary · 19/06/2014 09:49

If it is extreme it could be a mental health issue. Could you not rent one of those storage facilities as a temporary thing just to get the stuff out of the house. Because getting rid of it will be a battle and you don't sound as if you're ready for that at the moment.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 19/06/2014 09:53

I know this might not be possible - I don't live in London but I do read the papers and know how tight things are for housing - but can you see your council about social housing? You have two teens in education and there is a very difficult home situation, which must give you some sort of priority. Sorry if that is just a daft suggestion, as I say I know things are difficult in London...

HolgerDanske · 19/06/2014 09:55

Perhaps divorce but not necessarily a complete break (if that's what you would want, Fideliney) would be the best option, so that finances are separate. If you love him but can't live with him due to this issue, there's nothing stopping you continuing a relationship with your own space for you and your children.

But you are not responsible for protecting someone else from what they themselves might do. If this relationship has run its course you should not feel obligated to stay with him for fear of what he might do.

Twinklestein · 19/06/2014 10:03

Hoarding is classified as a mental disorder, it can be a form of OCD & it can be related to anxiety and depression.

With intensive treatment he may be able to break his patterns.

Whatever treatment he's had in the past, I would go to your GP OP and ask for a referral to a psychologist/psychotherapist who specialises in OCD. That may require an assessment by a psychiatrist, which in the circumstances would be no bad thing.

CiderwithBuda · 19/06/2014 10:04

It is definitely a mental health issue. There have been a few tv programmes about it. Some of them heartbreaking. Most hoarders have suffered a loss at some stage I seem to remember.

One guy lived in London - very wealthy. His partner left as she couldn't live with it any longer. The tv programme sent in a company to clear the hoard along with psychological help.

It can be helped but is probably a long road. First step would probably be GP.

Twinklestein · 19/06/2014 10:04

Btw I'm not implying by that post that you should stay with him OP, just that whatever you decide, he needs treatment.^^

unrealhousewife · 19/06/2014 10:09

If his father killed himself yes you need to be prepared for what might be symptoms of MH issues and this then probably is one.

He can live separately while he sorts himself out and if he needs financial support to see him through the MH problems he will get DLA and housing benefit. He might need to go through this to get out the other side.