Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Week from hell. I think DH has lost the plot.

235 replies

Fideliney · 18/06/2014 22:13

He seems to be saying today that he would rather divorce than curb his hoard, but he's flip-flopping a lot.

Any hoarding widows about who can help me decode this escalating mess?

The background is a shit year of ill health and various stresses. The hoarding has been spiralling. Exhausted and at a bit of a loss Sad

OP posts:
Badvoc2 · 19/06/2014 16:43

You must be exhausted tippy toeing around this issue for so long op :(
I would do the skip idea too, but I can understand your worries about his MH.
Ironically, if he dealt with his unresolved issues his MH would improve in time :(

KarlWrenbury · 19/06/2014 16:48

do people outside the family see it? Do they tell him that its got ridiculous?

Original poster
Fideliney · 19/06/2014 17:05

If ever it does encroach into 'public' rooms (like now) the fiction is always maintained that it is important work stuff on its way to elsewhere. There will always be one or two big bits of big technical work equipment with it.

Increasingly, we have all slipped into socialising outside the house anyway. Family and friends are scattered and only a few are local so this isn't hugely odd.

I am the only person who challeges it all.

OP posts:
unrealhousewife · 19/06/2014 17:13

I wouldn't skip it I would put into storage that way he can see how much he has and deal with it at his own pace.

I'm interested that he places importance on it as work stuff.

unrealhousewife · 19/06/2014 17:14

It also means that when he brings more stuff in you have somewhere to take it.

oldgrandmama · 19/06/2014 17:19

... sorry, but if you put it all into storage - then he's lots more lovely room to bring MORE bloody stuff into the house, to fill up the recently cleared space. You can't win.

tribpot · 19/06/2014 17:21

Isn't the recent escalation a punishment for you putting the kibosh on the commercial storage? In essence all that crap has migrated to your house and then started to multiply, yes? So there could be an element of game playing, particularly if he knows you're afraid of what he might do to escalate (in terms of self-harm).

You're all being held hostage by his problem, and it's setting a very poor example to your children of how manipulative a person can be (or appear to be) in a relationship without consequences. If one of them was spreading shite all over your house you wouldn't accept it, why is it different for him?

Were it not for the previous ultimatum, it would make sense to turf everything out to a commercial storage unit to clear you own living space with only minimal impact on his mental health. But if you back down on that now you're stuffed.

Priority one is to reclaim your own space, get your teens to help you move anything heavy and get that lock on the door. Likewise their rooms if he is likely to move on to putting junk in there as another punishment. And I would go to a hotel for a few nights, just to have some quiet, clutter-free space. Is there a reason why he can't look after your teens whilst you're gone?

noddyholder · 19/06/2014 17:23

I think you need to take you and your children out of the situation and let him confront it. You can leave and get benefits etc to sort things initially. He is probably hanging onto stuff because he has had a huge loss and can't lose anything else.He needs professional help. I have a bit of experience of this sadly the relationship of this couple didn't survivie it it was the woman who hoarded and her dh just couldn't cope :(

Original poster
Fideliney · 19/06/2014 17:28

Until recently the storage bill was approaching £500 pcm. The sheds were supposed to replace those. I suppose claims that weeding has occured might be true but I'm not sure. The sheer volume is overwhelming.

That's what worries me oldgrandmama (well amongst many things). I just don't understand where it comes from. Or what exactly it all is. He can never answer.

When pushed to accept the negative impact it has on everyone, he keeps saying he will put it all back in storage and go to live in a camper van/tent. We'd all be better off without him, he ruins everything, he just can't be normal etc etc... Adolescent reaction but very depressed delivery. I'm a bit loathe to partially ape that fantasy plan Sad

He has also tried to buy houses as a solution several times now, apparently convinced that he could crack the problem in the decant. More fantasy.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 19/06/2014 17:30

Does he have any other avoidance issues like not opening mail/going to doctor etc What about visitors?

Twinklestein · 19/06/2014 17:35

£500 per month could buy so much therapy! (Not expecting him to make that choice btw).

How do your children feel about it OP? I can imagine it's very frustrating for them, particularly as he's not actually their dad. How do they cope?

A tent is all very teenage, has he ever genuinely engaged with the possibility of him living elsewhere & thus confining the problem to his on living space?

Twinklestein · 19/06/2014 17:35

^own

Inertia · 19/06/2014 17:37

Where does he work ?

If he has a workplace outside the house I would be tempted to hire a man and van to empty your study and take the whole lot over to his workplace, with instructions to take it to be recycled if he refuses to accept it or tries to send it back. Then lock the study door.

You are tiptoeing around this in an effort to avoidd upsetting him and it's affecting your own health and career prospects.

If you do divorce he needs to leave with all his stuff- if he stays and you leave it'll never sell and you will lose all that money. If he leaves you could get lodgers.

Fairenuff · 19/06/2014 17:39

He seems to be saying today that he would rather divorce than curb his hoard

This sounds like quite an honest statement tbh. He isn't going to change because he won't admit that there is a problem. He sees it as a lifestyle choice and one that he wishes to maintain, even if it means divorce.

So your choice is to accept that (and live with it forever) or separate and see if he really will choose the 'stuff' over you.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 19/06/2014 17:40

I don't see how you can say he's a nice guy. He is being incredibly manipulative here, holding the possibility of him doing the same as his father over your head so that he gets to have his own way.

If he is insistent that it isn't a MH problem, then treat him as if you believe him.
'DH, if this isn't an illness then it is something you are choosing to do. Either you stop or you leave'.

If he tries to say he can't help it then he has to accept it is an illness and that therefore he needs treatment.

WipsGlitter · 19/06/2014 17:40

He needs professional help. DP has some mild ishoos in this area, but he would be very distressed if I just skipped the lot. I take it you've sorted / tried to sort it together, or is it just too overwhelming?

vicmackie · 19/06/2014 17:40

The FEAR is that he would be so upset he would do himself some form of harm

Don't do it, as awful as the hoarding is. People with serious hoarding problems do sometimes commit suicide if their hoard is forcibly taken away from them. I know it sounds mad - because it actually is mad - but it does happen. Has anyone recommended that you read a book called Stuff? I'll try to link to it later.

You have my sympathies - I am a bit of a hoarder (much better now) and I've lived with an out of control hoarder. It's so hard.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 19/06/2014 17:41

Get it all into storage for your own sanity.

Id suggest giving him pen and paper and telling him to list everything he has hoarded. Give him an hour. Anything and everything that isnt listed is junked.

First and foremost, claim that study back and get a lock.on it.

Original poster
Fideliney · 19/06/2014 17:41

Isn't the recent escalation a punishment for you putting the kibosh on the commercial storage? In essence all that crap has migrated to your house and then started to multiply, yes? So there could be an element of game playing, particularly if he knows you're afraid of what he might do to escalate (in terms of self-harm).

Possibly. It feels more an attempt to comply followed by resentment of me when he fails for making him try in the first place. As if I have set him up to fail. He hates failing or being seen to be in the wrong.

I think you need to take you and your children out of the situation and let him confront it. You can leave and get benefits etc to sort things initially.

Hmm. Added issue is that two of the DC have autistic spectrum conditions which makes change a challenge.

I have booked a weekend away this weekend for me and DC. Need more time to think.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 19/06/2014 17:43

Yes you can't just get rid of it its not how it works. Majorly distressing.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 19/06/2014 17:44

Fide do you think he spends this much time agonising about what you feel about things?

I'm glad you've booked something for the weekend, enjoy your time with your kids :)

Original poster
Fideliney · 19/06/2014 17:49

I don't see how you can say he's a nice guy. He is being incredibly manipulative here, holding the possibility of him doing the same as his father over your head so that he gets to have his own way.

He has never ever hinted at that possibility himself. It is my fear. He is quite depressive generally.

If he is insistent that it isn't a MH problem, then treat him as if you believe him.

He does recently (last year or so?) seem to accept there is a MH issue but is adamant that if he seeks help he will never work again so we get no further. He has a rather hopeless, eeyoreish air. eightyears' suggestion upthread about him seeing a private GP to keep it off his medical record might be the chink of light there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fideliney · 19/06/2014 17:54

Where does he work ?

If he has a workplace outside the house I would be tempted to hire a man and van to empty your study and take the whole lot over to his workplace, with instructions to take it to be recycled if he refuses to accept it or tries to send it back.

No workplace. He is a freelancer. His work is technical and takes place at different places. Rarely the same place twice. He does need to store a certain amount of equipment in fact.

This sounds like quite an honest statement tbh. He isn't going to change because he won't admit that there is a problem. He sees it as a lifestyle choice and one that he wishes to maintain, even if it means divorce.

It is honest, i think. Probably less because of 'lifestyle' thing but because anything other than running away seems too hard.

I need to think really carefully about how the various options would be experienced by the DC. I am keen to keep the emotional temperature down.

Thanks everyone. This is really helping.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fideliney · 19/06/2014 17:56

Will have a look for 'Stuff' - thanks vic

OP posts:
Original poster
Fideliney · 19/06/2014 18:00

Does he have any other avoidance issues like not opening mail/going to doctor etc What about visitors?

Avoids doctors now you mention it Noddy (there has been a physical thing he has been dodging - nothing sinister of worrying). No mail issues. Overreacts to visitors - major housecleaning, big OTT catering efforts,. It has been impossible to maintain my old open house type habits - all to stressful. He is a perfectionist. Cleans a lot. Lines things up, perfectly spaced.

OP posts: