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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Week from hell. I think DH has lost the plot.

235 replies

Fideliney · 18/06/2014 22:13

He seems to be saying today that he would rather divorce than curb his hoard, but he's flip-flopping a lot.

Any hoarding widows about who can help me decode this escalating mess?

The background is a shit year of ill health and various stresses. The hoarding has been spiralling. Exhausted and at a bit of a loss Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Fideliney · 19/06/2014 18:06

He needs professional help. DP has some mild ishoos in this area, but he would be very distressed if I just skipped the lot. I take it you've sorted / tried to sort it together, or is it just too overwhelming?

I did used to try and help wips. I can't even look at it now. Too big, too much and his reactions are too irrational. We found three large boxes of unopened out of date batteries when he moved in. He must have bulk bought (he does get through a LOT but it was still excessive) and then lost the lot in the shuffle. Even though they were several years out of sate it took two chuffing hours to talk him into binning them. At the time i tried to dismiss it as guilt at the mistake.

A lot of duplicate buying goes on because thing can't be found when they are needed.

OP posts:
LisaMed · 19/06/2014 18:07

Apparently re mental health issues hoarding is linked to OCD and perfectionism.

When he says he will go off and live in a camper van and put it all into storage I would say, 'good idea'. You can explain to him that while you don't want to hurt him it is making life intolerable for you, it is affecting your children and you have a first duty to your children. Hopefully this will bring home to him how bad it is.

If he goes to a specialist in hoarding it would not necessarily show on his medical records.

This is not looking good because stuff that is important to you is getting drowned in his need to hoard. He may not be able to lose that need to hoard. Perhaps he can bring forward some ideas of how it can be managed - if you are allowed to call bullshit on anything that he has previously promised.

Good luck. I don't think there is an easy way out of this.

deste · 19/06/2014 18:27

Are your children untidy because children of hoarders quite often are. They then start hoarding as well. Basically because they don't know what to keep and what to get rid of. We work with hoarders although they don't think they have a problem, ie taking about 200 pairs of socks to the Middle East in the middle of summer when relocating. Having multiple amounts of storage containers, one had about twenty five washing baskets. The more storage you buy the more will be filled up and paying for outside storage is the biggest waste of money because nine times out of ten it will never be taken out again. I think you will have to admit defeat and leave him to it, it's no way for you or your children to live. It does sound as if there are MH issues

deste · 19/06/2014 18:31

Duplicate buying is common for the reasons you give. One idea is to call in the fire brigade to have a look. They are dead against hoarding because there is a serious risk of people being killed because they can't easily leave the building. Ask him what is more important, a load of rubbish or your families lives.

LumieresForMe · 19/06/2014 18:38

Maybe a stupid question there, If you have two dcs on the spectrum, is there a possibility that he is on it too?

noddyholder · 19/06/2014 18:45

Fideline hoarding as part of OCD completely different to hoarding as an arrogant control thing He could get help that works x

oldgrandmama · 19/06/2014 18:48

Christ, the more I read this thread the more horrified I am. Those HUGE bills for storage - outrageous. OP, sorry, once again I'm being hard ... but were I you, I'd just take the kids and walk away. Leave him to it. Save yourself and your children. HE WON'T CHANGE. You've done all you can - now get out, for the sake of your kids and your sanity.

Locketjuice · 19/06/2014 18:53

My week so far.

Took my aunty for a mammogram (sp?) for her numerous lumps in her breasts
Found out dp has been on porn again knowing my strong views against it and has been viewing it everyday.
Has also been searching for various girls constantly on Facebook strongly suspect cheating but will never know now.
He has covered me head to toe in bruises/cuts as I had his phone and was asking to see if I could look to prove himself innocent.
He left leaving me with 2 children 2 and under
His dad assaulted me
My freezer microwave and shower all went wrong
Someone crashed into me and wrote off my car with the kids in it.
His parents are trying to take me to court to get access which I won't allow to a violent abusive grandparent
I have to take my mum for a mammogram tomorrow as she now has lumps. I have also had a shit week so sympathies!

Locketjuice · 19/06/2014 18:53

Sorry I started writing and self pity took over and felt better oddly to write it all!

Original poster
Fideliney · 19/06/2014 18:56

Are your children untidy because children of hoarders quite often are. They then start hoarding as well. Basically because they don't know what to keep and what to get rid of.

Well the older two were on the cusp of secondary school by the time he arrived in their lives and are the same polar opposites they have been since toddlerhood - one meticulous minimalist, one clutterer. The clutterer accepts parameters and regular help and i'm not too concerned. The youngest is somewhere in the middle in her own habits but also gets the most thrown by change, has known her stepdad more of her life.I don't know. They all have pretty much followed my lead of good natured exasperation but have seen the periodic ultimata.

One idea is to call in the fire brigade to have a look. They are dead against hoarding because there is a serious risk of people being killed because they can't easily leave the building.

I actually think that might backfire deste because the bulk of it is in my old study and three sheds. And it is the tidiest hoard you can imagine, most of it now in smart matching archive boxes. On the other hand, one wardrobe our bedroom is full of the boxes, under our bed is a platform of boxes, the former study cannot be entered at all. And, of course, the creep has begun again....

Maybe a stupid question there, If you have two dcs on the spectrum, is there a possibility that he is on it too?

They aren't blood relations Lumiere but the idea has crossed my mind. I do seem to attract more than my share of aspies. I have aspie traits myself. It would make sense.

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 19/06/2014 18:57

He could approach a psychologist directly and avoid the GP if he could afford to pay privately. They would normally inform the GP of any treatment, but only with consent, so he could ask them not to.

However I think the not wanting it on his medical records sounds like an excuse to avoid treatment.

Verynovicegardener · 19/06/2014 19:04

Have a look at this yahoo group it's called friends/family of hoarders/clutters. Sorry that I can't work out how to link properly!!

Original poster
Fideliney · 19/06/2014 19:05

Fideline hoarding as part of OCD completely different to hoarding as an arrogant control thing He could get help that works x

That is hopefully Noddy thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fideliney · 19/06/2014 19:05

hopeful^

OP posts:
Verynovicegardener · 19/06/2014 19:05

Or helpforhoarders.co.uk.

Original poster
Fideliney · 19/06/2014 19:07

Locket that sounds awful Sad Are you safe? Have you changed the locks?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fideliney · 19/06/2014 19:07

Thanks Very Smile

OP posts:
FelineLou · 19/06/2014 19:09

Could you go back to a storage place and hire a man and van to move it all out. Then hand him the bill and lock him out when he tries to bring anything home.
I know this may not work and you have my sympathy but a clear house may give you a clearer idea of where to go on this.

unrealhousewife · 19/06/2014 19:13

When pushed to accept the negative impact it has on everyone, he keeps saying he will put it all back in storage and go to live in a camper van/tent. We'd all be better off without him, he ruins everything, he just can't be normal etc etc...

Perhaps he's sabotaging the relationship because this is actually what he does want. Some people are like that, want a quiet and singular life, convince themselves they need company for a while to procreate and play the game but really deep down they want to be alone.

Locketjuice I hope the police lock him up and throw away the key for assaulting you Thanks have you got a thread for you?

ppplease · 19/06/2014 19:13

The answer for now is that you see his doctor yourself.

www.nhs.uk/chq/Pages/speaking-to-gp-about-someone-elses-health.aspx?CategoryID=68&SubCategoryID=158

Original poster
Fideliney · 19/06/2014 19:32

Perhaps he's sabotaging the relationship because this is actually what he does want.

Also possible.

OP posts:
LisaMed · 19/06/2014 19:44

Could I suggest relationship counselling? It wouldn't show on his medical records (I think) and it may help you have a reasonable discussion as you don't seem to be able to get him to talk sensibly at the moment.

I think the tipping point is if you explain to him how it affects the family in a structured context that he can't wriggle out of and he still chooses to hoard (or rather, still does nothing to attack the problems caused by/causing the hoarding).

Sending lots of hugs.

LisaMed · 19/06/2014 19:46

Unless, of course, the excuse about counselling being on medical records is just a way to avoid dealing with the problems associated with the hoarding.

Good luck.

tenderbuttons · 19/06/2014 19:47

Possibly. It feels more an attempt to comply followed by resentment of me when he fails for making him try in the first place. As if I have set him up to fail. He hates failing or being seen to be in the wrong.

This is my mother (who hoards) exactly, and I understand exactly why you are so stuck. Trying to do anything actually results in a kind of rebound where everything is worse. I also don't challenge her because she is emotionally frail (kind of with some reason, she had a shit childhood).

However what works with her - which is just to ignore it until she reaches a point where she wants to do something herself - isn't going to help you at all. (Sorry, I'm sort of thinking out loud here). But he is playing out old, ingrained family patterns here, and you need to find some way of stepping outside them. However, in this case, I think he really does need some kind of therapy.

But if he goes to see a psychotherapist, privately, that will not show on his medical records, because it comes with no diagnosis. I did it for three years, with no communication with doctors at all. But is there any chance he will agree to this, or is the work argument just another avoidance strategy.

tenderbuttons · 19/06/2014 19:50

And the other part of the failure is that the whole job of getting sorted feels so overwhelming that it is impossible to begin, and just that thought of how big it is makes them feel like even more of a failure. Or at least that's my mother's thought patterns.

I'm sure that's why those hoarder-clearance companies exist, because it does just become impossible for even a family to shift.