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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am i officially an idiot?

283 replies

lou33 · 05/09/2006 12:51

As some of you are aware, i split with exh in nov. I havent wanted any serious relationships, but am also not prepared to live like a nun, so i have had hook ups with people, where i made it clear that it was on my terms and just fun. There have been times when i felt the hook up was getting too attached so i have ended it there and then.

As some of you are also aware i have been seeing someone for the last month, and once again it started out with me saying it was nothing but fun, which it has been. However, last night i ended it with him, because i found myself starting to like him too much. I told him that as it was now starting to feel different to me, it wasnt fair on me or him to carry on seeing each other.

He says we should carry on having fun til he leaves next year to travel when he finishes the army, but i said the balance of the relationship is now not equal in my eyes.

We do have fun, we do get on, it's cheered me up enormously through a v difficult period of time, i like having him about at weekends. But i ended it. A male friend of mine last night said if i was a bloke he would call me a d*ckhead with the way i was behaving, that i was cutting my nose off to spite my face.

Soldier wants to still see me, but we wont this weekend, tho he has asked if he can come up overnight next weds to make up for it.

Am i being a twat or am i right to end it if my feelings have changed and i dont think his have?

Ugh at this!

OP posts:
lou33 · 05/09/2006 13:01

anyone?

OP posts:
bouncy · 05/09/2006 13:04

I dont know your story, but from the post about, I would carry on having fun until he leaves, it seems you beating yourself up about it already, may as well do it when he leaves and have some more fun in the process. (i think was a polite yes ;) )

Marina · 05/09/2006 13:04

No, I think you are right. No experience of this kind of dating (lead deeply boring life ), but if you already have deeper feelings for him, keeping on with the relationship is only going to make you feel even stronger and possibly lead to heartbreak.
I am sure he's a great guy but of course he'd say let's carry on! He gets to spend time with you and nurses the secret knowledge that he is making you fall for him too. He's only human but you are not the twat in this Lou. XXX

fireflyfairy2 · 05/09/2006 13:04

I think I remember reading a post by you before.. were you the one who was doing a course and had feelings for a man on it also? Went to the beach with him? MaybeI'm thinking of someone else. I don't know what to advise you about the soldier guy.. sorry!

mistressmiggins · 05/09/2006 13:06

I have been following your story from with ex to this new bloke....

I am a tad confused though

do you not want to get involved with anyone so you dont get hurt or cos too complicated?
or is it cos you like him & he stilljust wants fun

am at work so cant chat anymore - just didnt want you to think we all thought you were an idiot !!

of course you're not

charliecat · 05/09/2006 13:10

I think if you spend any amount of time with anyone you are bound to start feeling a little warm to them?
As long as you are both hapy to cintinue till he goes off it wouldnt be a problem, but if your going to be devestated then it MAY be worth ending it now.
You cant go through life having teeny weeny relationships and pulling out when you feel yourself liking them, can you?

lou33 · 05/09/2006 13:12

no that's not me

my rl friends say i am being a fool, cos we get on and he's a nice guy

I know he likes me, but i know what the rules were, and if i carried on shagging him i will end up feeling pretty worthless

or should i just take advantage of him?

my male friend thinks this is all highly amusing btw, he said i cant believe that you, miss always in charge, has finally lost control of a situation, lol

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/09/2006 13:12

lou33,

I think you need to have some relationship counselling for your own self to work out why you are acting as you are. Relate will be willin gto see you. You have been hurt badly by your ex husband and it hasn't even been a year since this relationship ended so it is still very early days for you. This approach you are adopting to relationships (i.e backing off when it gets too serious because you'll get hurt again) will not make you truly happy in the long run. You expect to be "hurt" again so you end it before you are. Its a self defeating prophecy ultimately. Counselling will help see you through this and get you out of this mindset.

Whilst I would not have used the language your male friend was using I think he was trying to make the above point.

Cailyn3 · 05/09/2006 13:14

Maybe you are falling for him in a big way, and thats why it feels different! If you like having him around, he's fun, makes you laugh and understands what you've been through, personally I would keep him!

You like him, he likes you. He still wants to be with you, and you are questioning whether you were right to drop him. If it was just for fun and it ended naturally, wouldn't he have just said "yeah, never mind, it was fun while it lasted" and go away? But he's not doing that by the sound of it. And you wouldn't be on here asking if you were right to make the decision.

If he still wants to see you after ending it I would think that he is quite keen for something more permanent and he's trying to change your mind....maybe his feelings are following yours?

Just a thought from my romantic side....

lou33 · 05/09/2006 13:19

But we only got involved in the first place cos neither of us wanted to get serious, we just wanted something fun, and he hasnt changed his mind about it, i have. I want to keep seeing him, but the way i want to keep seeing him was not part of the deal at the outset, so i thought it better to be honest.

OP posts:
Cailyn3 · 05/09/2006 13:24

Its always right to be honest with each other. You've told him it feels different - did you tell him how? That you have started to really care about him?

lou33 · 05/09/2006 13:27

no he isnt hoping it will become more permanent, he is leaving the country for good in a few months

he said he didnt mind if i saw other people, then said he probably would, then said he didnt, then said he liked me but he was not going to be about in 6m, so nothing could come of us anyway

ugh, no strings hook ups are so much easier

OP posts:
Piffle · 05/09/2006 13:29

Ahhh
it is often easier for men to keep a no strings fun fling going, but women after the first few months sometimes develop deeper feelings.
I think Lou you are self protecting.
I have also done this.
The sex/worthless issue is an esteem issue you have control over, if you handle it ok then it is ok
Perfectly normal to be wary of intimacy after coming out of a marriage break up such as yours Lou. Consider him your "transitional man" an experiment if you will
There is no right and wrong, I guess if you are starting to develop stronger feelings, you cannot turn them off and if it's not what you want then you are right to end it.
I can honestly say Lou I have spent a large proportion of my adult life doing exactly what you are doing now...

lou33 · 05/09/2006 13:33

thanks piffle
i spoke to him today but i dunno, he isnt coming up this weekend but he said he might be able to on weds, i said maybe, i will think about it

also aside from him leaving the country for good, even if he didn't we wouldnt be a long term thing, he is 11 yrs younger than me and eventually wants his own kids

i dont like not feeling in charge

OP posts:
Sobernow · 05/09/2006 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noddyholder · 05/09/2006 13:36

You will get hurt when he goes regardless as you have now formed some sort of attachment to him (which is only natural)so it is whether or not you can handle it enough to have a few months more fun How do you know he won't miss you when he goes and come running back?Life is strange and unpredictable and people change all the time.

lou33 · 05/09/2006 13:37

i told him he was just a stop gap til i got bored tho

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Carmenere · 05/09/2006 13:38

Lou I'm guessing that this guy is mister right now not mister right. What you offered him (no strings fun with a gorgeous, intelligent woman) is virtually unheard of, of course he is going to try to convince you to keep up your relationship for another 6 months!!But he is being straight with you so listen to what he is saying. Men are uncomplicated they say what they mean, it's women that weave different meanings into what they say.
If you were the love of his life he would have no problem letting you know, if he was the love of your life you wouldn't be feeling like this. Trust your instincts and pull back or stop seeing him as you will get hurt and you are old enough, grown up enough and smart enough to avoid it.

Sobernow · 05/09/2006 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lou33 · 05/09/2006 13:38

i'm not a cheap date tho sobernow, i get lots of offers, but i turn most of them down.

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lou33 · 05/09/2006 13:40

he is not mr right , no

i was thinking that way carmenere, but my rl friends i have spoken to so far (3 of them) think i am being a fool, hence me starting this thread

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noddyholder · 05/09/2006 13:40

I don't think these sort of relationships really exist except in wishful thinking minds as for there to be a relationship at all there need to be feelings and these have a horrible habit of growing.So maybe when this is over steer clear of this sort of thing as ime one person always wants more but is pretending they don't which must be awful.The only way of forming no attachment is one night stands which hurt in other ways eventually too.As you can see I have no smart answer but hate to see someone young and gorgeous feel shit about a bloke xxx

Sobernow · 05/09/2006 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lou33 · 05/09/2006 14:02

lol it's ok

OP posts:
lou33 · 05/09/2006 14:18

he might come up on thurs evening to see me

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