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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am i officially an idiot?

283 replies

lou33 · 05/09/2006 12:51

As some of you are aware, i split with exh in nov. I havent wanted any serious relationships, but am also not prepared to live like a nun, so i have had hook ups with people, where i made it clear that it was on my terms and just fun. There have been times when i felt the hook up was getting too attached so i have ended it there and then.

As some of you are also aware i have been seeing someone for the last month, and once again it started out with me saying it was nothing but fun, which it has been. However, last night i ended it with him, because i found myself starting to like him too much. I told him that as it was now starting to feel different to me, it wasnt fair on me or him to carry on seeing each other.

He says we should carry on having fun til he leaves next year to travel when he finishes the army, but i said the balance of the relationship is now not equal in my eyes.

We do have fun, we do get on, it's cheered me up enormously through a v difficult period of time, i like having him about at weekends. But i ended it. A male friend of mine last night said if i was a bloke he would call me a d*ckhead with the way i was behaving, that i was cutting my nose off to spite my face.

Soldier wants to still see me, but we wont this weekend, tho he has asked if he can come up overnight next weds to make up for it.

Am i being a twat or am i right to end it if my feelings have changed and i dont think his have?

Ugh at this!

OP posts:
lou33 · 08/09/2006 11:30

lol watch out surrey

i have had 3 separate offers in the last week, but 2 are miles away and the local one is a bit young, so i guess i will just have to bide my time

i dont want to go back to any past hook ups really, which would be the easy option

OP posts:
lou33 · 08/09/2006 11:31

i think you are right bluejelly

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 08/09/2006 11:35

Think I'd pick the closest one, regardless of age.

That way it's easier to leave or throw him out if you need to.

You can tell I was a dab hand at this .

lou33 · 08/09/2006 11:36

i'm annoyed at myself for this happening too, as i never had this problem before, i do feel a bit of a twat

this is what happens when i let my guard down, will make sure it doesnt happen again

OP posts:
lou33 · 08/09/2006 11:37

expat, i'd agree, but even i am struggling to cope with getting my head round the local one, cos he's only 20, and despite my well known love of younger men, i usually have my rule of not going near anyone i could have given birth to

he came round to see me twice yesterday tho!

OP posts:
lou33 · 08/09/2006 11:39

oh and also, which is v like me, out of the 3 offers, the one i like most is the one that is least likely to occur, because of distance

i probably just always want what i cant have

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 08/09/2006 11:43

The hell w/it. He can probably go all night at that age. Best way to get over a man is to get under another.

Besides, what better to do on a Friday night than drink wine and shag?

That's what I'm planning on .

lou33 · 08/09/2006 11:49

LOL

he is also the son of my friend, tho she was the one who told me he had a thing for me originally, and she says as long as he is happy she doesnt mind what he does

but i value her friendship

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 08/09/2006 11:51

Oh, yes, that puts things differently.

He's a no-go.

What about the one who is next closest in?

lou33 · 08/09/2006 11:54

hundreds of miles away!

man this is bad news!

OP posts:
bluejelly · 08/09/2006 11:54

Have you read the 'girl with a one track mind' , Lou?
Great read and very similar dilemmas to what you and I (and no doubt many others) have been going through
WOuld seriously recommend it.

lou33 · 08/09/2006 12:01

no but funnily enough i read a review for it in scarlet yesterday and thought about getting it

OP posts:
lou33 · 10/09/2006 13:33

now after saying i was free to see other people, i hooked up with someone at the weekend and he is furious with me

pfffft

OP posts:
lou33 · 11/09/2006 09:44

so now he tells me he does have feelings for me, but he is hurt and upset

i thought it was done or about to be, and even have a date with a new man on saturday pm lined up, but if we talk more today as planned , and it goes well then i will cancel it

or should i just walk away now?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 11/09/2006 09:47

I'm probably gonna get flamed for this, b/c I'm not a big believer in 'romance' as a way to live my life, it led to nothing but heartache for me.

But: WALK AWAY NOW!

This man is LEAVING. He is moving abroad to pursue a lifelong dream.

lou33 · 11/09/2006 09:50

lol i love your posts, did i ever tell you?

other bloke is also younger (tho not quite as) and lives in london, we are supposed to be meeting for lunch on saturday

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 11/09/2006 09:53

It's lunch, not a wedding!

THIS MAN IS LEAVING TO PURSUE A LIFELONG DREAM OF HIS!

If you love someone, set them free . . .

And all that.

Honestly, before I left America, I was seeing a man who I found out had gone back to his estranged wife.

That was the nail in the coffin for me.

Yet there he was, the day before I left, wanting to 'talk'.

So I did. To tell him I needed more than he could offer.

It was hard, but I walked away.

Best thing I ever did.

I loved him. But I loved me more.

lou33 · 11/09/2006 10:00

lol @ lunch not a wedding

i know, but i dont want to lead him along

i think what i forsee happening is that we will agree to call it a day, because i dont think we will be able to live with the conditions both of us want, tbh

what it has made me realise is that having had the casual flings before i got married, and since i split, i would prefer to be with someone who just wants to be with me, regardless of the length of the relationship

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 11/09/2006 10:03

now that you have come to this amazing truth - i did, too! - i can promise you your life will be happier, fuller and richer b/c you will enjoy each and every one of these relationships just for what they are, not for what they might be, could have been, etc.

my life is full of regrets, but NONE of them after i came to the point where you are now.

lou33 · 11/09/2006 10:07

i told him this last night, so he knows

i wont jump through hoops for him, he knows what i need, if he cant provide it then no hard feelings, it will be sad but i will move on

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 11/09/2006 12:17

You've never been anything but honest w/him and w/yourself. So you can move on in good conscience and w/no regrets.

noddyholder · 11/09/2006 12:28

I think you are both into each other more than you realised and the only way to stop this in its tracks is not to see each other again because if you do I think the results are inevitable!I love a bit of romance though unlike expat so I am the wordt person to be giving advice as I have flitted from one passion to another throughout my life and have thoroughly enjoyed it Until I met dp of course!

lou33 · 11/09/2006 12:32

lol oh boy

my life has become a drama yet again!

am due to speak to him in a minute!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 11/09/2006 12:33

He just doesn't know when to leave it and walk away.

Yep, that's younger men for ya!

Good luck!

If anything, I enjoy reading about other peoples' dramas. It's good craic when it's happening to someone else.

mellowma · 11/09/2006 12:53

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