at a loss

[wheresthelight]

I love my dp to death but I am at my wits end.

We got pregnant totally by surprise (told i couldn't have kids) and he insisted I should stay home to raise the baby. We looked hard at finances etc and both agreed that financially this was far more sensible as child care outstrips my earnings.

Skip on to baby being 10 months old and I am beginning to turn into a complete fruit loop.

I love my baby girl so much and love spending time with her but I am so sick of sahp equating to slave. I literally do everything for her and then cook, clean, dishes, wash clothes, iron, walk the dog and shop. He works 3 on 3 off shifts so it's not that he doesn't have time iyswim.

I really feel like I am being taken advantage of and it is causing massive resentment and me to be a snipey bitch

How do I sort this without it escalating into ww3?

I agree with 'a fluffy lamb', so there are two of us, Anyfucker. There does not seem much appreciation from the OP concerning the contribution that her partner makes. She has a baby that she says she loves and she is being given the opportunity by her partner to stay at home. Something many women would love to be able to do. Instead of being so resentful I think she should count her blessings. Of course her partner should help but he is in full time work. I have looked after and brought up five children and then returned to a very stressful full time job and I know which was easier and it was not the job. At home you can take a break, have a cup of coffee, see friends, take a walk, use your ipad, phone friends, make a quick meal or a complex meal etc. Try making your own decisions and doing your own thing with a nasty boss breathing down your neck and see how long you would last.

At work I got regular breaks with lunch and coffee, and had the ability to go to the loo alone. I was 'the boss' and planned my day around me.

Now my 'breaks' are unscheduled and random, hot drinks are drunk while keeping a one year old at arms length, and I have company for most of my loo visits. My day is planned (ish) around said one year old.

Work was easier. This is nicer in some ways, less fulfilling in some ways. But it doesn't matter because I have an equal partner.

Yes, DH's wage enables me to stay at home (or will one day, I'm still bringing in an income). But the things I do enable him to do a job he loves, and he neither wants to stay at home nor wants our children in full time childcare. That is why it works, because we both appreciate each other and we are a partnership.

The OP did not sound (initially) as though she was getting that from her partner.

I'm curious to know how OP should be showing her gratitude?

By offering sex on a plate according to fluffy

Of course. Of course. Sex. The Solution to Everything.

Apparently so!!

Funny because I could have sworn we lived in 2014 not 1814 but I could be wrong

wildbill

"Thanks for all the lectures on the hardships of being a sahm/running a house but I've been there and the world of work is much more demanding."

couldn't agree more> Can't stand the idea being a sahp is SOOO hard.

Compared to my paid job it's a walk in the park.

I've done both and my sah (male) partner's lack of appreciation for how hard I worked to pay for the whole damn shooting match was part of why we split up

I posted about it here i great detail years ago and you all told me to LT ( lazy) B.

And I did. Thank you one and all.

Nothing to stop OPs husband helping out a bit on days off. But being a sahp is NOTHING like the world of work,DEPENDING ON THE JOB unless you have incredibly high household standards in which case I suggest you lower them.

I posted at great length about how my sahp did not appear to appreciate what I did. You all agreed he was a a right bastard for not showing gratitude.
So what's the difference?

Difference here is that it's the wohp not appreciating what the sahp parent does.

Those of you who work FT on your two days off from work do you do nothing, aside from your salary, to contribute to the running of the family home/life? Do you expect your partner to look after you and children and household chores on your days off? When does the SAHP get a break?

Jesus H Chirst on a push bike, there's more than a wiff of Stepford wives sock puppetry on this thread. We should invent time travel just so that people could tick off to the stone age where they belong.

OP I've been a SAHP with an idle fucker of an ex. Unlike yours, his sense of entitlement re housework was the least of my problems, but I was young and stupid. I now work a 50 hour week in a senior post in a very demanding job and it is still far less knackering than those few years when I was at home with my DC. Because I never got a break. Never. So I totally get where you are coming from .

I'd agree with the above that the secret I equal leisure time. In quality if quantity is not possible.

I'm happily remarried. To a completely lovely, but useless around the house, man. My current compromise is that he pays for a cleaner. And I've stopped ironing. Anything. :)

Surely whether working outside the home is harder than being a SAHP depends on so many factors? How the fuck can anyone generalize? Not every paid job is stressful, demanding or even particularly important. And how tired and busy a SAHP is depends on how many children they have, how old the children are, whether they have additional needs, whether the SAHP has any support, living conditions and a ton of other stuff.

I once worked as a receptionist for a company which did most of its business by email. I took a couple of calls an hour and intercepted the occasional courier, but for the rest of time I was free to sit on my arse reading, knitting or doing whatever I pleased. I wrote most of my MA dissertation sitting at that reception desk. How is that automatically harder than being at home with - for example - several small children, including a refluxy, non-sleeping baby and a stroppy toddler and having a partner who works a 60 hour week and no family support?

I'm not going to claim that being a SAHP is an enormous hardship, but I sure do miss that reception job sometimes....

Stepford wifes, indeed, hallucinatory stuff.

Yes, there is a lot of subjectivity in responses. I personally am hopeless at housework, always have been and hate it unless I'm in the mood. So I've always found the paid work part of my day the easy part. People to talk to in the office, intellectual challenges, gratitude for a job well done. Whereas the better someone is at housework, the less visible it is and the more it looks like the person who did it was just lounging around all day.

And don't forget that the majority of SAHP will have worked outside the home before having children (and often after too) so those who claim to find it demanding are making a comparison based on experience, not just some sense of martyrdom from within a bubble of privilege.

But according to some idiots on here it's only a case of chucking a few bits in the washer and then sitting on my arse all day!!

My paid job was to run part of a factory when my manager wasn't in the office (most of the time he was awol) and prior to that had planned the production schedules and yes staying at home is way harder!

But unfortunately some people are far too up their own backsides to see that it is about being fair on free time

OP, I have to post to add another non-surrendered voice.

YOU ARE RIGHT. DH and I divide the chores - if you're home, you do it. Leisure time starts when all the work is done or by mutual agreement (he watches football, I cook - another day I go out and he does bedtime).

I'm cheering you on.

(And as for the two Stepfords; ignore, the time portal's bound to reclaim em at some point...)

I agree with 'a fluffy lamb', so there are two of us, Anyfucker. There does not seem much appreciation from the OP concerning the contribution that her partner makes. She has a baby that she says she loves and she is being given the opportunity by her partner to stay at home. Something many women would love to be able to do. Instead of being so resentful I think she should count her blessings. Of course her partner should help but he is in full time work. I have looked after and brought up five children and then returned to a very stressful full time job and I know which was easier and it was not the job. At home you can take a break, have a cup of coffee, see friends, take a walk, use your ipad, phone friends, make a quick meal or a complex meal etc. Try making your own decisions and doing your own thing with a nasty boss breathing down your neck and see how long you would last.

Count 3 of us - at least.

OPs partner supports her financially so she can stay at home and parent the baby. Running the house can be done round this. P works 3 on 3 off so he must do VERY long days to get full time hours in on 3 days. OP can take naps when the baby is asleep, she doesn't operate on an employers timetable. SAHP IS A JOB - to say it is unpaid is a joke, P is providing a roof over your head, pays all the utilities and food bills, pays for stuff You don't have to earn money during this time because this is provided for you and you get to spend time with your baby. Your part of the deal is running the house - that's the trade off. If OP has to get up in the night then she can fit in a nap the next day to catch up.

Seriously some of you women think equality is ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME, start looking at what you gain and what you contribute in each situation and stop thinking the world revolves around you. OP is in an enviable position yet whinges about it, her P goes off to do 'his own stuff' when he's not working and frankly can't blame him - this is what happens when home life isn't welcoming..

What's interesting is that OP says she wouldn't be able to earn enough to be the breadwinner which probably means she had a job with few responsibilities hence low pay hence thinking the world of work a breeze. Start looking at jobs that bring in enough money to support a one salary family and you are talking responsibility, stress, long hours etc. Compare this with sahp and I know from experience which is the hardest.

OP stop whinging and make the most of it, people don't always get the chance to be a sahm, it's a luxury many on these boards would love.

Also stop being abusive to me and other posters here, you don't get to post on a message board asking for advice then tell people who can post, who can stay. If you don't like the advice certain people offer then ignore it. There is some good constructive advice given here but because it doesn't back you in running down your P you ignore it..................

The principle of being in a family is that everyone pulls their weight and everyone feels valued. Now there are some SAH types that assume responsibility for all things domestic, don't expect the wage-earner to lift a finger in the home and are quite happy with the arrangement. There are plenty of others, however, who aren't. Unlike the paid role the OP has left behind, domestic work is generally not stimulating or rewarding. It's a repetitive chore that has to be done to keep the household functioning and it's very unfair for all of that drudgery to fall on the back of just one person in a house where there are two adults.

So it's not 'either or'... 'paid vs domestic'... and there is no place for strict demarcation. If something needs doing in the house and you live in that house, you get on and do it rather than expecting someone else to deal with it. Ditto the free-time. It's a question of fairness and sensitivity rather than keeping score in a petty manner

OP... even if it costs you a little short-term, I'd strongly recommend you get yourself back into the workplace asap.

Ignoring the madness - 3 days off = one for him, one for you and one where you're both responsible. Plus he should be doing stuff mornings and evenings.

Have I slipped through a rabbit hole and landed in the 1950s ????????

Seriously, what is wrong with some of you.

Why does op have to show appreciation for the 3 on 3 off shifts that her dh works when he isn't showing appreciation for the 24 on 0 off shifts that she is working. Jeez.

Sorry, I see now. He is paid so therefore his work is valid and must be appreciated. Also, and perhaps most importantly, he is a man.

Op I suggest finding out his favourite cocktail so you can greet the poor dear on arrival.

Wildbill you really are full of crap

Thank you to those who have made constructive suggestions and understood the issue rather than appointing your own archaic stepford agenda.

Actually, for the handmaidens: have you mentioned the gratitude the OP should receive for endangering her own career and economic prospects to raise HIS child? Leaving him free to concentrate on his career and never deal with dirty pants?

I'm sure you must have done and I just missed it.

Whersthelight - back to your original issue (before the Victorian Values 'lie back and be grateful you're getting screwed' opinions where being spouted)

What's your plan if your DH reverts?