at a loss

[wheresthelight]

I love my dp to death but I am at my wits end.

We got pregnant totally by surprise (told i couldn't have kids) and he insisted I should stay home to raise the baby. We looked hard at finances etc and both agreed that financially this was far more sensible as child care outstrips my earnings.

Skip on to baby being 10 months old and I am beginning to turn into a complete fruit loop.

I love my baby girl so much and love spending time with her but I am so sick of sahp equating to slave. I literally do everything for her and then cook, clean, dishes, wash clothes, iron, walk the dog and shop. He works 3 on 3 off shifts so it's not that he doesn't have time iyswim.

I really feel like I am being taken advantage of and it is causing massive resentment and me to be a snipey bitch

How do I sort this without it escalating into ww3?

Funnily enough I feel more like sex in a clean house. The site of dh cleaning stuff is quite a powerful aphrodisiac!
OP is at home to look after baby primarily. I'd be pissed off if a nanny or childminder was able to ignore my lo to the extent that every chore could be done during the daytime.

Wildbill you really are delusional!! not to mention rude and insulting. You accuse others of attacking people and then do exactly that to any

I am not an overwhelmed new mum, I am a pissed off mum who doesn't see why I should do everything 24/7 when he gets to swan about or laze on the sofa and do nothing in the house or childcare.

If he does nothing, then OP probably is having to be on call constantly.

And when you are doing all the childcare, all the nappies, all the baths and bedtimes, every early morning wake up, every night feed, washing every dish, putting them away, making every meal, buying everything, taking out every piece of rubbish, washing every item of clothing, drying it, ironing it and putting it away, doing all the dog walking, making and attending all the appointments, doing all the household admin, buying every birthday card and present, and the myriad of other jobs which often fall to the 'wife' - it becomes wearing. Like any job.

But when you are doing all those things, and there is an equal partner who refuses to lift a finger during his time away from work, then it becomes an untenable situation and yes, one I would suggest a separation for. Not a split, you notice. But if a conversation won't get him to buck up his ideas, then a separation might make him realise just how much OP contributes. And as well, it's not just a separation because he won't 'wash a few dishes', but it would be all about the fact that OP has appealed to him to make their lives more balanced, and he has either ignored her or doesn't care. That's not an equal, loving partnership.

(OP, not saying he doesn't care, hopefully he will step up to the plate)

I'm fed up to the back teeth of people (sadly often women!) minimising the contribution of the sahp. It is much more than bunging clothes in a washing machine and doing an online shop once a week.

Don't forget, if OP left him, he would have to do/pay someone to do all of these things, and her workload will be more than cut in half. Far better he steps up to the plate now.

What are your suggestions for OP's DP's days off wildbill, as they seem to have gone unmentioned in your post? Should the demands of the household be split 50/50?

Fuck me this has pissed me off

Slithy - a sit down chat will resolve it I am sure! I just need to find the way to word it so it doesn't end up as ww3 or me lookin like a bitch! He has figured some out on his own as he dealt with getting the kids up today did breakfast and lunches etc which is a first!

Meh, WildBill - I offered to swap roles with my DH. He looked terrified at the prospect.

Funnily enough he has a far more enlightened attitude than you do.

He has figured some out on his own as he dealt with getting the kids up today did breakfast and lunches etc which is a first!

From little acorns oaks grow, maybe something clicked in DH's head this morning.

wildbill have you forgotten there's a baby involved here? Bunging the odd load in the washing machine and online shopping once a week sounds like the chores we (DH and I) share atm - no kids (but one in the oven!), only two adults and two spoilt cats to care for, and yes, it's not that much work and we can both work full time and get the chores done. It's still boring, mind numbing work though which is why it's important to us to share out the chores, coz neither of us wants to subject the other to hours of boring, mind numbing work for no pay while the other sits on their arse.

But we are aware, though probably not able to grasp yet, that having a baby entails lots of additional work. Sounds like you don't acknowledge that? Dealing with nappies alone is a huge, additional, household chore! Let alone the really important work of, oh, I don't know, bonding with and stimulating the growing mind of that new person you made? You have to entertain babies you know. Otherwise they cry. A lot. And do you think babies only feed once a day? I think you are fundamentally misunderstanding the amount off work involved in looking after a 10mo (or younger...OP is amazing for lasting 10mo before turning into a fruit loop, btw)

Btw I don't know how old your step children are but if there is an arrangement to have them over a portion of the school summer holidays, I really advise airing your concerns to DP soon. As soon as DD starts toddling you really will have your hands full.

I wonder do your old office have a "bench" team. Someone they call when they are shortstaffed. Basically on a zero hours contract.
If they call you and DP is on his 3 days "off", then off you go. If he's at work then you are not available. At least you'd get out of the house for a bit and have some peace and quiet, and build up a bit of spare cash.

If his ex was a control freak then only by dropping him in it and leaving him to get on with it will he build up any self reliance in looking after his children.

Completely off topic - how any woman (your DP's ex) could shack up with someone who won't have her kids around unless his are too is utterly beyond me. Those poor kids. How did it work when you had no children and you were both at work? Did his children come to you both on his days off then only and this arrangement changed when you were conveniently available to look after them with a newborn?

On a practical level. He works 3 nights on, then has three nights off. I've never done night work but I assume he is asleep a large portion of day 4, then quite possibly up v late on Day 4 night, then gradually adjusts before doing it all again? Or is he on a permanent late mornings/night owl type structure which may be contributing to "he dealt with getting the kids up today did breakfast and lunches etc which is a first!?

It might work to sit down and work out between you what a fair load looks like. He could take over responsibility for the evening meals, the grocery shopping and all homework for example? In this situation I wouldn't share tasks/I'd just divide them so they don't get done if he doesn't step up. Don't let him get away with stuff like grasscutting which lets face it, doesn't really matter if you skip it occasionally .

YANBU by the way - some of the comments on this thread are mindblowing.

I haven't read the whole thread because it seemed to go off on a some kind of other-planet tangent for a while there... However, it struck me that I've had house guests for a few days. People who are not a permanent part of the household and who could legitimately expect to be waited on hand and foot. Nevertheless, because they are decent people and don't want to be a PITA, they offered to peel spuds, stack dishwashers, strip beds etc. It's called 'pitching in' ...

This is the weirdest thread I have ever read on MN.

I have 'saved' it for comedy value!

(No disrespect, OP.
Your post was valid but some of these replies are far from it!)

I haven't read the whole thread, but just to say that this became an issue during both my Maternity Leaves. I think that it's very easy for the not-at-home partner to become accustomed to having stuff done for them and then it becomes the norm. I think it's a case of the paid parent thinking and feeling

"Fantastic - I've gone from sharing the chores in a two-work-outside-the-home household, to having them all done for me. It's all fine because I do my job outside the home, then when I come back that's me all done and dusted."

What they fail to realise is that the at-home parent having a 24/7 job with NO break, unless other people pitch in. That, coupled with probably a fair degree of sleep deprivation thrown in too, is really not fair.

If your partner is half-way reasonable, I think that you should be able to discuss this and come to a better arrangement for all of you - you get a load taken off you, you stop feeling resentful, he doesn't get the resentful snipes, a happier you, etc. etc.

By the way, how old are the other kids? Any chance they can be encouraged to step up to the plate (even if it's just keeping on top of their own stuff so that you don't have to.)

good luck!

Whilst I do think that your DH should just get up and do it, this is highly unlikely so I would suggest a schedule.

Take into account his hours at his job and your hours at your job (childcare, not housewife!) then divide up all of the roles outside of this, cleaning, gardening, paperwork (bills etc).

If he isn't agreeable to the schedule then it's time to get seriously pissed off and do nothing for him.

DH and I work about the same. Childcare is equal. DH cooks, food shops and washes up. I do the rest, unless his parents are coming, then he has to help the deep clean/toddler wrestling.

I don't have to nag for any of it now he's got used to it.

Another thought.... I'm lone parent to DS (14yo) and all he does all day is go to school.... what a doss! Using some of the bizarre logic on this thread, given that I am the only one bringing actual money into the house, DS should be a) eternally grateful and b) doing all the housework, gardening and other domestic chores while I engage in plenty of lounging about. Can't wait to see his face when I put it to him later. :)

I think we all need to see that face Cog! Get training him to be a good, no-need-to-nag husband!!

Training is already at an advanced stage. He doesn't always leap to offer assistance unasked as often as I'd like so we're currently working on concepts such as ....'see the mess and clear it up rather than walk around it' and 'regularly ask if there's anything that needs doing'. I am determined to release him into the wild one day as a functioning adult rather than an entitled brat for some poor partner to deal with.

Oh Cog that has proper made my day!!!

I have gone on strike unofficially today and announced after the school run that I am buggered if I am staying in all day doing chores for every bugger else. So far he has taken me out for lunch, treated the baby to a new sun canopy for her pushchair and is about to take us to kiddicare for a new swim nappy (for the baby not me) and then we are having drinks with some friends this evening and he has promised to cook tea - although as the bologna sauce is already cooked and defrosting it shouldn't tax him too much!!

Step kids are 10 and 8 and used to being babied at their mum's - i kid you not they are not allowed to choose their own clothes!!! They do have chores here, they walk the dog, make their own breakfast, tidy their rooms etc and I refuse to do their washing unless they bring it down although I am training them to use the washer

Glad you're tackling all three of them at once. The DCs won't shift themselves if they can see Dad taking it easy so here's a golden opportunity to pile the guilt and responsibility onto your partner to man up, step up and set a better example.

Release your inner Sergeant Major... Being nice gets you fuck all. :)

Haha indeed it doesn't cog!!

OP - there's no real way of saying this apart from being blunt but you keep bleating on about 24/7 etc and are making yourself into such a martyr (and quite probably a nag) if you want your partner to do more and have asked with no response then simply STOP bloody well doing stuff!

another thing - you don't get time off from being a mum, especially when they are tiny so yes you are overwhelmed and adjusting to a huge lifestyle change.

Must add the poster who listed 'buying birthday cards and presents' as a responsibility of the sahp had me chuckling.

Thanks for all the lectures on the hardships of being a sahm/running a house but I've been there and the world of work is much more demanding.

Glad I made you chuckle wildbill, but regardless of how amusing you find me, it doesn't change the fact that every single task the sahp does, it means the wohp doesn't have to. Therefore it saves them time and effort.

And it is NOT fun writing every sodding Christmas card and buying, wrapping and posting christmas presents for both sides of the family year in and year out.

And good for you that being a sahp is so much easier than YOUR job. But funnily enough, your experience isn't going to be identical to everyone's. Both myself and my DH agree that being a sahp is much harder than his job. And we have both done both.