Dating thread 76

[LoisPuddingLane]

As we were saying...

Urgh! 50 year olds have sex!!! That's gross...

folk so pleased to hear your DD took to your BF so well. Try not to worry about your son though - there will be a lot of teenage angst mixed up in there too. I was about the same age when my parents split up (my mum left my dad for his best friend). I remember shouting all sorts of vile stuff at my now-step-dad, including the classic "you're not my dad!" (He never tried to be and has never been anything other than hugely supportive of me). We are now (and have been since about a year after mum and him got together), been the best of friends and very good drinking partners too! My anger at him wasn't because of his and my mums affair (I actually accepted that as I knew my mum wasn't happy with my dad). I think it was more about me tring to show how grown up I was and that I didn't need another adult in my life... I think.... It is a very confusing thing to go through when you are that age!! I really think it is tougher on teenagers when parents split up / move on, then it is on younger children.

I've had a slightly weird weekend. Got chatting to a bloke last week. It got very flirty quite quickly - a lot more than I usually would. We agreed we should meet. I said I would speak to my Ex about when he would have the kids this week and now he has gone very, very quiet (he knew I had young kids and he has too, so this shouldn't be the problem). Have messaged him again today and know he has been online, but no answer.

I know the rules of the thread, but why??

Sorry, had a run in with my ex this morning and been drinking G&T all evening so not entirely coherent...bed might be a good plan...

Thanks folk for your response. Yes dcs will always come first. Always. It's working out the best way to do that.

Hello all, keep dipping in and out, lovely to hear some good stories not all doom and gloom. OLD can be very time consuming and tiring I find. I would like to ask about ideas for date venues, am meeting (Mr Lotus) for 2nd date, 1st date was romantic dinner, but trying to think what to do next, very rural, he has to drive an hour to come and see me. My house out of bounds due to DS lurking around. All thoughts gladly received.

Some very heartwarming stories on the thread, glad all going well.

Seems I'm not fully healed from geeky. I am over him, but I'm not yet ok on my own. I thought I was, but I was using something else as a crutch. In counselling I worked out that I've always used writing as an outlet for loneliness. So I've stopped dating temporarily. Although my book is about online dating, I have a couple more chapters in me before I put myself out there.

Went to a writing group last night. It's a little group aimed at encouraging new creative talent in my city. I didn't read from my book, but I will next week. I loved it. Really loved it.

Dontcall, it's great that you enjoyed the writing group so much. It could be a really good thing for you - something where you're meeting other people, yet it's not about meeting men. And I remember the extracts from your book that you posted, and they were great!

Jarlin, although mainly a lurker for the last 18 months or so, I've been following your story, and identified with it - Mr C (who I split up with last month) was a bit of a slow burner at first. You sound really lovely and I hope this evening's chat is helpful for both of you. I know what you mean, though - I only have to hear the words 'a chat' and my stomach starts churning.

When to introduce DCs to someone... It's a really tricky one. I think my DC met Mr C after a couple of months - just very casually at first. (I think he popped in to fix a light in my DC's room and then stayed for lunch, something like that). But my son was quite young and didn't really have a concept of boyfriends and girlfriends, so I think that made it easier.

I met Mr C's DCs after about 3 months as they had a spare ticket for a concert. He just introduced me as a friend initially.

It's so upsetting splitting up with someone when you've met their DCs, though - Mr C's DCs are fantastic, and I'm going to miss them loads.

Thanks andcat.

Jarlin I do hope the chat is going to help you feel straighter one way or the other. I think it's ok to get tearful and just be honest. Thinking of u

Good luck tonight, Jarlin.

I'll be thinking of you.

Good luck tonight, jarlin

I've now been on POF for 24 hours and I'm already bored of it! A large proportion of the profiles are absolutely rubbish! I'm getting lots of messages but I don't fancy any of them . I've messaged a couple but after viewing my profile, they ignore me which makes me think I should change it. It also makes me feel guilty for ignoring the ones that message me as it's not a nice feeling to be ignored.

Is this as good as it gets?

Hi single sock i joined POF last week. I must admit sometimes I reply and sometimes I don't. If they look nice and their profile is ok then I will reply. If they are too old, too young or clearly not for me then I don't. I don't reply to anyone without a photo. It is hard work. Been texting nice man all week, arranged to meet tomorrow spoke last night and he has cancelled. I wonder what I said to put him off - I thought the conversation went well. I've arranged to meet someone else for a coffee but it really is brutal. I'm not sure I have the emotional energy to do it got too long! Good luck.

SingleSock I think your profile is fab.

To put it in some sort of context for you...

I was on Match.

I had 5-6000 views.
I had around 1500 winks.
I probably had around 50-60 first emails
I exchanged emails with about 30 men.
I chatted properly with around 15 men over the 6 months.
I met 10 of them.
I've been with one of them for 8 months.

So not all that many men who read my profile were interested. But it didn't matter. I had some great chats, learned a lot about myself, and met a man who I actually believe does love me (well, believe it most of the time...)

You won't appeal to everyone

I had a 'quirky' accessory in my main profile picture. I knew that some men would think "WTF is that ?"; and I knew that some men would think I was worth further investigation...

I used that picture purely because I knew it would act as a filter. And it did. And loads of the men who messaged me referred to it in their first message.

Thank you both - it does put things into perspective a bit better. It does feel brutal but I shall try not to take it personally.

Having ranted, I still have two dates planned (not 100% sure on either of them though). Not sure if I should have spent more time talking? Does everyone else find talking online really forced and repetitive? I'm also finding that I've lost interest in conversations I was having last night as it's the next day and I've been chatting to others.

Itwill it's not you it's him. When a bloke disappears there's a good chance he wasn't really interested in seeing you in the first place and was just whiling away some time at the computer.

SingleSock I find your name so heart wrenching... every time I read it I think of a lonely little sock full of holes in the drawer...

You can't take OLD personally. Imagine you're in a crowded carriage on the tube - the chances of you wanting to chat to any of the men in that carriage are pretty slim, let alone wanting to date them or have a relationship with one. OLD is kind of like that but on speed and yet it's so slow. The 'on speed' bit means that a lot of messages are sent out as "blast" messages so they are generic and short and not so sweet and far from erudite: "hi sexi how r u". Those messages should just get binned instantly. Then you have the messages where the writer has put together two vaguely coherent but generic sentences. This is the gentleman caller who doesn't want to put in any effort just in case you don't reply, which you won't, because two sentences are only vaguely better than: "hi sexi how r u". To be honest once you've deleted and ignored those messages you're probably down to half or less of your in-box.

I'd say that if you're bored after messaging someone for a day or so then I would expect that to translate into a dull date so I'd just knock that chat on the head. When you start chatting to someone you like, you'll know and you'll be anticipating their next message with a frisson of excitement.

I was chatting to a guy a few weeks ago during my utterly tedious foray onto Match and within a day I was bored rigid. He claimed to specialise in an area of my industry that I know very well. I was bantering with him about some technical aspects and it was clear from the delay in his reply (so he could google the meaning) and then the half-arsed reply that he didn't have a clue what he was talking about... I didn't disappear on him though, I just told him that I didn't think it was worth pursuing our chats as I didn't feel we would hit it off in real life and wished him well. He was quite charming about it, thanked me for being straightforward and I suspect he was relieved!

If you're doing OLD because you think you're going to find your soul mate within the week then, unless you're a very rare exception, you're setting yourself up for a fall, that will hurt when you land. If you look at OLD as a way of meeting guys to 'interview them' to see if you then want to date them then that's more like it.

For me POF and the like are basically a bunch of CVs that you have to wade through to see if someone's got the skillset you're looking for to see if they merit an interview.

Before you are spot on with that!

Single It's so true. I only replied to messages that suggested the man was genuinely interested in me. If I suspected a message was generic or a 'blast' email, I treated it like email spam in my inbox and just ignored it.

If it became clear within a couple of emails that it was going to go no further, I just stopped replying. But not because I was being a bitch. It was generally because I was delaying writing to them and telling them it was going nowhere and then too much time had passed... It wasn't personal, I just kind of forgot about them while I was talking to someone else... But that's the nature of the beast.

I did have a couple of people I was chatting with just disappear, but I assumed that they'd met someone and that was that. That's why you have to not get emotionally attached.

I wasn't looking for a relationship from OD. I think it's a mistake to do that.
I didn't lie to anyone or lead them on in that respect.
I treated it like a hobby.
I did it to meet different people.
I did it to 'practice' dating.
I did it to find out what my 'type' was.
I did it to build my confidence and self esteem.
I did it to have some good evenings out over the summer...

It worked for all of those things.

The thing I found the hardest was falling in love with someone I met on there when I probably wasn't really emotionally/mentally ready for it. I think the same was true for him.

The point is, you have to approach it like this. And then if you meet someone it's a bonus.

Jarlin I actually came on here to see if you'd updated after your chat with slow.

I hope it went well.

x

I've also come on to see how you got on last night, Jarlin. And in answer to your question, I split up with Mr C because, although there were lots of great things about him, he got cross/snappy quite a bit, and it was affecting our relationship more and more. We talked about it countless times - for hours - but he either couldn't or wouldn't change. It was really upsetting me (I admit to being over-sensitive, which doesn't help) and we just couldn't work things out. Very sad.

Singlesock and itwill - I've also joined POF very recently (about two weeks ago). I haven't put a pic up though, which I find better - it means I hardly get any messages, so don't have to wade through messages from loads of people I'm not interested in (who am I kidding - I probably wouldn't get many anyway!) but I can contact anyone I like the look of.

Jarlin wondering how things went?

Singlesock I did try and say thanks for your message but it don't think we are compatible. I chatted to probably ten or so blokes over a couple of weeks on pof. I was also on match and tinder where I chatted less on there to be honest. Tinder is great for a laugh if nothing else! I did say to a couple in the end sorry I am chatting to one person a lot now and was it ok if I got back to them If it didn't work out. Which they seemed to appreciate. Sure you'll get some who u like the look of. I found it took a good thread of conversation to see if there was any banter build up. I've forgotten which one u were on but pof has a local to u section

Even after I eventually meet someone via online dating, I still have a list of criteria in my head that I need to tick off before I feel like I can take it seriously e.g. how are they with other people e.g friends, waiters, what is their home like, is it clean & tidy, whats their relationship like with their children, when it comes to sex - are we compatible? is there sexual chemistry? do they have similar values & morals to me?

I've seen Mr Keen twice now, (with phone contact too) with another date on Friday and the above things are what I aim to find out over the next few dates.