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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend arriving in 5...

236 replies

Sleepingbunnies · 10/06/2014 22:46

Posted in chat too but thought I might get more responses here... My DP is arriving in 5 mins with my friend who has finally left her abusive partner after 13 years.

He bit her fucking face! I am so angry.

I have told her she can stay as long as she likes in our spare room but I thing she'll be back with him by the weekend, don't know why, just a feeling I have.

I want her to stay gone!

OP posts:
custardismyhamster · 12/06/2014 23:15

Get DP to check all your doors and windows are closed and locked and bolted etc. make sure you have all the keys next to you and your phones at all times. Will friend not confide in you both as to what's going on? Good that DP has called the police but I'm not sure getting her out of the house would be the best thing right now Sad

kalidanger · 12/06/2014 23:16

Does he think her Twunt is at her home, waiting for her? Or you? Or outside the house?

Don't text your DP - you and DP need to talk NOW.

This is a bit scary.

Chumhum · 12/06/2014 23:16

What a great friend you are, hope she finds the strength to leave.

foolishpeach · 12/06/2014 23:16

I've just seen this thread. You are a good friend OP.

Although I know you want to help her, you mustn't put yourself, your DH or your DCs in danger.

Why does your DH doubt what she is saying?

Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 12/06/2014 23:22

She's been outside on phone, DP literally hissed at me that she is lying and she's acting strange and he's had enough. :(

My DP is the most gentle person ever but he said she is taking us for idiots. For some reason in still seeing the good in her :(

OP posts:
strawberryangel · 12/06/2014 23:25

I don't think she's taking you for idiots- it's not like she's gaining anything, is it? Except a listening ear.

I don't blame your DH for being wary though. She is clearly manipulated by her P.

Difficult situation.

foolishpeach · 12/06/2014 23:25

Do you know who she was on the phone to? If your DP's judgement is normally sound, perhaps you should trust his instincts here. You may be struggling to see the wood for the trees a bit because of your loyalty to your friend as well as general exhaustion.

As a pp said, would her mum be able to pick her up?

Kerryp · 12/06/2014 23:26

I have been hooked on this thread op, your husband is kinda right I have to say. Don't put yourself in danger but I would tell her mum what's been going on. Might make it more real for your friend.

freemanbatch · 12/06/2014 23:26

does your DP think she hurt herself last night?

I'm struggling to understand what he doesn't believe and what he thinks will be improved by kicking her out. If his priority is keeping you and yours safe then I totally understand that though.

HilariousInHindsight · 12/06/2014 23:27

Give her one last chance to confess.

If she won't - kick her our.

Your DCs safety is more important.

Can you contact her Mum?

I'd seriously consider terminating this friendship in the near future as you will be emotionally shattered.

kalidanger · 12/06/2014 23:28

Your DP might be misinterpreting her distress for lies. I don't expect this is a situation most people have to deal with very often.

Does she want to stay with you tonight? If she does I guess she needs to decide now and let you both go to sleep as it's late and her troubles are becoming too intrusive. Clarify this with DP and tell her she must decide now?

I don't think I could kick her out at this time of night, and don't suppose your DP really wants to either. He just wants to go to bed.

strawberryangel · 12/06/2014 23:28

Confess what, hilariousinhindsight ?

What is it that people think she's done/doing wrong?

Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 12/06/2014 23:32

She's called herself a cab. Says she has to be home before he gets back. I offered her to stay against my DPs wishes but she says she just wanted to come and see me and that she is fine and wants to go home.

As soon as can has arrived I'm off to bed.

OP posts:
justiceofthePeas · 12/06/2014 23:32

She may have been on the phone to him reassuring him she is at home where she is supposed to be.
She will be nervy because she knows that if she gets caught disobeying him there will be consequences.

Leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time for a survivor. She will know that instinctively.

She needs a plan. A proper plan. Is she a MNetter.

Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 12/06/2014 23:33

No she isn't justice and doesn't know I am it that Iv posted this.

OP posts:
ChangelingToday · 12/06/2014 23:34

Where are her own family in this? As others have advised I think I'd be calling her mother or member of her family and let them take over. I know you feel bad about doing that but for your welfare and that of your own family I think you'll have to do it. He sounds like a scary man who is capable of anything.
I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years, emotionally not physical and loads of people advised me to dump him but I just kept going til I was ready myself. It's almost like an addiction, you know it's bad for you but you can't say no or stop.

Maryz · 12/06/2014 23:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

justiceofthePeas · 12/06/2014 23:38

WA is obviously the first and best port of call but if she is a MNetter she may find the EA thread in relationships an excellent place to be to see it is possible to leave and there are plans and steps that can be taken.

OP stay safe. This is a tough one to get involved in. Ultimately she has to see her own way out and she will. It just may take longer than you would hope.

I think to your dh it maybe seems obvious that someone would leave in her situation and incomprehensibke they would not. But it just does not work like thatSad average numver of attempts to leave is 7.

And first good luck and godspeed. Wishing you a safe delivery.

justiceofthePeas · 12/06/2014 23:40

Sleep well sleeping. You have done all you can and more than many Thanks

Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 12/06/2014 23:43

Her parents are over 200 miles away :(

She's gone. I'm going to try and get some sleep. I'm exhausted. Thank you all for everything. Truly, you have made me feel less alone and more in control.

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 12/06/2014 23:49

Goodnight bunnies. She will probably be ok for now, he knows he is being watched.

ballsballsballs · 12/06/2014 23:56

Sleep well Bunnies.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 13/06/2014 00:15

Catching up with this. You have had a tough night. She won't know herself what she wants to do. Unfortunately the chaos her partner generates is now brought to your door and your DH's every instinct is to shield you and yours.

sadwidow28 · 13/06/2014 05:18

Whoops! I didn't expect this thread to be active again so quickly.

I'll be back later to read and reflect.

I just want to leave a message now to say "Well done OP. You are indeed a kind friend".

..... However, I'll have my shower, walk the dog and then suggest how your friend is really taking the mickey now!

Lweji · 13/06/2014 06:56

I can see how your OH would think that she should just get up and leave, many people can't understand why abused women (and men) don't just leave.
You are the person she can confide on at the moment, but as most women going through similar, there will be feelings of shame, of fear, of hope all messing up her head. I'm not surprised she needs to talk about it at length with someone else.

However, you and your DP have not been through this, you are not equipped to deal with this. So, I think you should call WA for advice and call them when you are with her, if she pops in again, for support. Admit you are out of your depth.
But also, you have your own family to deal with and the children may end up at risk or being upset.

On the other hand, your OH may be getting vibes that she is feeding you stories. It's hard to ascertain without being there.

But remember that on average women take tens of attempts to finally leave an abusive partner. She may simply be one of those women. At conflict with herself.