Friend arriving in 5...

[Sleepingbunnies]

Posted in chat too but thought I might get more responses here... My DP is arriving in 5 mins with my friend who has finally left her abusive partner after 13 years.

He bit her fucking face! I am so angry.

I have told her she can stay as long as she likes in our spare room but I thing she'll be back with him by the weekend, don't know why, just a feeling I have.

I want her to stay gone!

I feel that Iv done all I can. I tried. I really tried :(

I have text her this morning letting her know that if she ever needs me she knows where I am, to stay in touch.

Feeling a bit emotionally battered this morning but I'm looking forward to hopefully a quiet weekend with my DDs.

I've been lurking, but I find the turn of events very unsettling. To be honest, I think it would be a good idea to distance yourself from her. She may bring trouble to your door. Protect your family first.

That probably sounds completely heartless. You've tried to help and she doesn't want to know. I don't know what last night was about, but it doesn't sit well. You've been kind and supportive, but make sure you look, after you and yours.

I hope you're OK.

You have to realise that it's not up to you.
You can be there for her, as you have, and reassure her that you still are, as you have.
The rest is up to her.

Not dissimilar to an addiction. She will leave when she is ready and when she hits her rock bottom.

My rock bottom was when my son was threatened. It varies.

A friend has been through more than I have and it saddens me that she has not reached her rock bottom. But, like you she knows she can come to me if she needs to, and I've helped her realise she has options.

Fingers crossed for them. But we can't do much more than wait.

I tried. I really tried
You did and without knowing it yet, you almost certainly helped. You have planted a tree that will bear fruit eventually.

Fingers crossed for your friend.

and now, you be very, very kind to yourself

I have been lurking also and I think that you have been a great friend and very supportive.

However, it is time to think about yourself, your DP and DCs. Emotionally, this has been exhausting for you - time to recharge your batteries.

Look after #1 this weekend x

Have you given her money or anything besides shelter? Why would your dp think she is "taking you for idiots" and lying?

If I had a husband I was scared to death of I'd be jumpy too.

I think DP is just of the school of thought (more through ignorance) that if she hates it that much she should just leave. I know it's not that easy :(

Having been in you friends position, and looking back on it now, I can see how hard it must be for people who are neither on the inside nor quite on the outside of an abusive relationship situation and I think you are doing an amazing job for your friend even if she doesn't seem to appreciate it right now.

As far as the 'why does she not just leave' thing goes how many people do you know who don't like the job they do? How many people do you know who have been stressed or been to see a doctor because of work? And how many people do you know who have actually had time off work because of work stress?

In truth we all know someone who hates their job or someone who's health has been affected by their work but we accept that people don't give their jobs up because they need the money. The relationship between them and their work is bad for their health but the closest people come to telling someone to leave is telling them to find a new job.

An abusive relationship is very much like a job gone bad. The victim needs something from the abuser, whether they really do or have just been abused into thinking they do makes no difference because at the point where we all think they need to leave they are tied by something and they can't walk away any more easily than someone who hates their job can simply decide they don't need money any more and give up work.

Look after yourself and your family but please don't let your friends partner succeed in getting rid of you and isolating your friend even further.

I know it must feel like you aren't helping but the fact is most people take several goes to leave such long-term abusive relationships. All that has happened, all that you have said to your friend will seep in and help build the case in her head for her to leave at some point.