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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend arriving in 5...

236 replies

Sleepingbunnies · 10/06/2014 22:46

Posted in chat too but thought I might get more responses here... My DP is arriving in 5 mins with my friend who has finally left her abusive partner after 13 years.

He bit her fucking face! I am so angry.

I have told her she can stay as long as she likes in our spare room but I thing she'll be back with him by the weekend, don't know why, just a feeling I have.

I want her to stay gone!

OP posts:
sadwidow28 · 12/06/2014 01:15

Hope everything is okay OP.

I'll check back in the morning.

Stay safe and strong for you and your family. You are a great friend.

justiceofthePeas · 12/06/2014 01:48

I think the best thing to do is to try to convince her that it is posdible to leave if she wants to.
For a survivor that is sometimes an almost impossibly difficult thing to believe.

They can see so many obstacles in their path combined with the sense of inevitability that he will be back so they may as well get it over with plus to leave is to admit that there is no hope for the rs/nsdp and therefore they should have no wasted so much hope on it.

It will be harder for her to come for help next time because she will feel like she has sed that resource already.

So, if you can, let her see it is posdible to leave, and that even if she does go back she csn still come to you next time and the time after until she is ready.

Leaving an abuser is a process not a moment. It is a bit like labour, some labours are longer than others.

Flowers to you for being a good person espevially when it is such a hard thing to watch.

I love my friends so much who were there for me when i left and went back and left who made me see a little more clearly each time I was better on my own (x was EA not PA and I am not downplaying how much more distressing PA is to witness). They gave me unconditional support and picked me up when I finally finished it. I owe them a massive debt of gratitude. It can't have been easy.

justiceofthePeas · 12/06/2014 01:56

By the way when i said try to help her see it is possible to leave I did not mean that your home had to be her safe haven.

That might indeed put too much risk to your safety plus it is a short term solution. Better to look longer term like refuhes and rented accomodation and make her aware of all the options such as WA, phoning 101 and loghing incidents etc. Pick away at the obstacles one by one.

But ultimately she is the one who has to make tye decision and the plan. You are one of tye wingmen not her mum.

She may also find tjings such as the EA thread or reading Lundy 'why does he do that' helpful when she is ready.

Be kind to yourself. It's been a tough couple of days and you have been brilliant.

Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 12/06/2014 06:38

Morning all, so sorry I didn't update last night. I was so tired. I called the police and they saw fit to send someone to the flat. My friend was there and told the police that everything was fine.

Iv had a text from her saying how sorry she was that she didn't let me know she was ok. She stayed there last night but told me that she hadn't forgiven what he had done and said thank you for letting her stay.

I guess she isn't ready to leave yet.

From the bottom of my heart thank you to everyone who has kept me company and advised where I had limited knowledge if what the fuck to do.

You ladies all deserve Flowers

Off to work I go :(

OP posts:
Lweji · 12/06/2014 07:13

At least, hopefully, he'll realise that she has people who care and who are prepared to call the police on her behalf.
I just hope for her sake that he doesn't get worse and less obvious.

sadwidow28 · 12/06/2014 07:42

You did the right thing. Whilst it wasn't appropriate to phone the police when she was 20 minutes late, it was certainly correct after 90 minutes or so. I am glad that the police took you seriously and sent someone to the flat.

You are a good friend. I hope she will come to you the next time she needs to escape (because I believe she will need to). She isn't ready to leave him yet.

Take care.

Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 12/06/2014 07:45

Thank you sadwidow & lweji

I wish I could live her life for her and make her see how she deserves to be treated but realise I can't :(

OP posts:
firstchoice · 12/06/2014 10:55

justiceofthePeas

can I thank you for this:

"leaving an abuser is a process not a moment. It is a bit like labour. Some labours are longer than others."

I will carry this with me and it will help me leave (not H but a 'differently' abusive situation).

OP, your friend knows now there is someone 'on her side'.
So does her partner.
That is 'all' you can do atm, but it is MASSIVE.

Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 12/06/2014 12:14

firstchoice Flowers I hope you manage to leave whichever situation you are in x

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 12/06/2014 13:46

It's worth remembering that money and housing isn't always the reason that you don't leave. I had my own home and a good job but was still drawn back every time he clicked his fingers. I did as he said, he controlled me, he made me think that it was him or no-one. I withdrew very slowly. Little things dawned on me gradually, the penny very slowly dropped.

You need to remember that her self-esteem is rock bottom and he can control her. I remember getting angry at my friend when she tried to keep him away from me because I just thought he would be more angry than ever...be careful about making her feel this way. She has to know that her partner will carry on letting her see you. If you try and keep him away, he will stop her.

I hope she doesn't waste too much of her life and you will be able to see her happy.

Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 12/06/2014 14:25

I do feel like an utter fool. :(

OP posts:
firstchoice · 12/06/2014 14:28

sleeping bunnies - Why do you feel a fool???

You have given your friend both short term sanctuary and strength for the future.

Your thread has also given others (me, anyway) strength.

Feel proud! Thanks

Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 12/06/2014 14:39

I wanted to help her, I wanted to make it better and I wanted to be able to make her see she doesn't need that fuxking arsehole :(

OP posts:
Lweji · 12/06/2014 14:41

Sadly, you can't. She has to realise that herself. She's an addict or she is terrified of him. It will take hitting rock bottom, and it doesn't look like this was it.

Lweji · 12/06/2014 14:42

Or both.

Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 12/06/2014 15:16

I'm also angry. Iv had 7 missed calls on my mobile from a private number :(

OP posts:
Lweji · 12/06/2014 15:20

If you are worried you could report it to the police. They may be able to identify the number.
If you answer any, make sure to record them.

wafflyversatile · 12/06/2014 21:17

Put a recording app on your phone. Check it's working. Answer the call. If it's him give him enough rope to hang himself. Report to police.

Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 12/06/2014 22:20

She's back here. :(

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 12/06/2014 22:22

Is she ok? Or in an even worse state? Hope you are ok, OP - you sound stressed.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 12/06/2014 22:28

Good. Uninjured I hope.

Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 12/06/2014 22:29

I'm out of my fucking depth. I literally don't know what to do.

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 12/06/2014 22:32

Ok, tell us what's going on& we'll see if we can help. A problem shared...

Teeb · 12/06/2014 22:35

Does she need any immediate help?

Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 12/06/2014 22:35

She's saying she Knows she has to leave him but she doesn't want to. He's told her she cannot see me anymore, he is doing an overnight shift so she has snuck out. She is pleading me to help her one minute and telling me to mind my own business the next . My kids are upstairs asleep and she is jumping at every noise, she is making me nervous. Something doesn't seem right.

OP posts: