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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Friend arriving in 5...

236 replies

Sleepingbunnies · 10/06/2014 22:46

Posted in chat too but thought I might get more responses here... My DP is arriving in 5 mins with my friend who has finally left her abusive partner after 13 years.

He bit her fucking face! I am so angry.

I have told her she can stay as long as she likes in our spare room but I thing she'll be back with him by the weekend, don't know why, just a feeling I have.

I want her to stay gone!

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Sleepingbunnies · 11/06/2014 18:41

She is due to arrive in 20 mins....

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Sleepingbunnies · 11/06/2014 18:42

doing I am really really trying not to judge... It's bloody hard! :(

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sadwidow28 · 11/06/2014 19:10

I am looking in on this thread to see if there is anything else I can do to help YOU SB. I posted to say that I had walked in your shoes in 1980.

I had Best Friends Mum call me from Ireland to see if she really WAS with me. Friend wouldn't speak to her on the phone and I had to jump through some hoops because she also hadn't told the truth. She didn't want Mum to know that she had made a massive mistake in selection of a DH because parents had never approved.

I wish I could remember how we came to accept Best Friends decision ot return to the house after a month of living with us. (We also worked together and travelled to the same college in separate cars - 5 minutes apart - so nobody at work would suspect. Talk about subterfuge and covering up!)

Probably one advantage I had was DP being a police inspector. He never had to hit anyone (which I understand that you want some big burly men to do) but he was very good at giving a 'Quiet Whisper in a Shell-like Ear'. He made it clear that the abusive husband would be arrested immediately if there were any further signs of abuse or aggression. Fortunately, friend's husband knew he had the power as an inspector in the are (though not their locality) that he was not making idle threats.

So my advice, in this day and age, is to get the police domestic violence unit on your side. Report in the first instance on 101 and then start to log texts, phone calls, emails - messages through friends etc and build your catalogue.

Your friend will probably try to diminish what happened. She will find excuses because 'he wasn't always like this'.

Always remember that it is HER relationship and SHE makes the decisions. Your role is to support and ensure that she remains safe. My DP walked my friend's house before she returned and worked out which bedroom she should have (escape routes - calling for help) and put a bolt on that door. He drew up a plan for use of the kitchen so that they never met up. He moved her wardrobe etc into the chosen bedroom and then met friend's husband at the door when he came back. It was my DP who explained the house-rules for 2 weeks until friend got the buy-out mortgage.

No violence, no aggression - just very clear rules and expectations.... with consequences that WOUL happen if they are breached.

I am thinking of you and will keep looking in.

Sleepingbunnies · 11/06/2014 19:16

sadwidow thank you very much. I am trying hard not to judge. Although i don't know if that's coming across in my posts :(

She is 15 mins late and not answering her phone. Am trying not to worry.

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sadwidow28 · 11/06/2014 19:24

I wasn't meaning to infer that you were judging - I can see your struggle and wanted to assure you that you are actually responding appropriately.

Now, can you remember that you are not her mother?

My best friend went off after college and met her DH without telling me and landed back at our house 2 hours late. I wasn't best pleased! But I was NOT her mother - I was her safe haven.

I can stay around this thread if you want some support whilst you wait for her to get in touch.

Sleepingbunnies · 11/06/2014 19:27

Hahah.. That made me laugh :) I am trying hard to remember I'm not her mum and have purposefully not text her, just rung once and that's it. Of course what I want to do is bombard her with calls until she picks up!

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sadwidow28 · 11/06/2014 19:27

SB - is your DP at home? Can you grab some time for yourselves without talking about friend's problems?

Or play with your DCs and refuse to let your friend 'pop into your head' for 30 minutes.

DoingItForMyself · 11/06/2014 19:27

Absolutely, it must be really hard. I would judge but I know from experience that it wouldn't help. It's so sad, but I suppose it's a bit like a drug addict, you can see how harmful it is and in her lucid moments so can she, but then for whatever reason she goes back for more.

sadwidow28 · 11/06/2014 19:30

I was supporting my best friend before the days of mobile phones!

When she did her 2 hour disappearing act, I was ready to be on the door step, tapping my foot, arms crossed with the look of anger and sheer malevolence. My DP calmed me down - and he was the one who told me that I WAS NOT HER MOTHER!

The best bit of advice he gave to me. (I might have sent her to her room when she returned - LOL)

Sleepingbunnies · 11/06/2014 19:31

Iv bathed and played with DDs which was nice and now DP is putting them to bed although I can hear that he hasn't read enough stories apparently. Hmm

I think I'm going to open some wine and turn on some crap TV. Thank you everyone for all the replies, making me feel a little better :)

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sadwidow28 · 11/06/2014 19:34

Also - start practicing in your head for when your friend says, "I am going back to him. He is sorry for what he did. He really isn't like this - he was just so stressed and I provoked him"

Now, you don't have to smile!

You need to practice saying, "I am not surprised because you are not ready to see how bad your situation is. But I respect your decision and I hope that you will allow me and my DP to check that you are safe when you return. I will always be here for you - I will never make a judgement".

sadwidow28 · 11/06/2014 19:36

Send a glass of wine my way! We can wait for your friend's return together.

Sleepingbunnies · 11/06/2014 19:37

How does prosecco sound Wine supposed to be saving it for a family do next weekend but sod it!

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sadwidow28 · 11/06/2014 19:54

Sounds good to me. Fank U

Try and switch your brain off for 30 minutes...... I will be around but I will be timing you!

Enjoy some trash TV

Sleepingbunnies · 11/06/2014 19:55

I have called again as she said she would be here by 7 and now her phone is off whereas before it was ringing just not being answered.

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Sleepingbunnies · 11/06/2014 19:55

X posted!

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DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 11/06/2014 20:07

It was a relief to hear they don't have DCs together.

It is hard not to fret for her.

Sleepingbunnies · 11/06/2014 20:12

I am telling myself that so far it's just an hour... Bus could be in traffic, her battery could have died. Anything. She's fine. An adult. I'm not her mum... If I bloody was she'd never leave my house again!

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sadwidow28 · 11/06/2014 20:13

Epic fail SB!

Okay, we'll start timing again. 30 minutes of not thinking about friend.

By hec - this Prosecco is 'right nice'.

Now can you move your feet off the comfy stool and let me put mine up there.

I have brought Ringo (dog) to sit with us. he is a goodly dog in cyber space. you can stroke him if you want.

sadwidow28 · 11/06/2014 20:15

This is Ringo.... he likes strokes behind his ears

Friend arriving in 5...
Sleepingbunnies · 11/06/2014 20:17

A dog Shock we have guinea pigs in this house!

Big Bang Theory starts in 15 mins... No talking while TBBT is on ... It's a sin in this house I tell ya!

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Sleepingbunnies · 11/06/2014 20:17

That is a stunning dog you have there. I'd love a dog.

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DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 11/06/2014 20:22

Did you ever see "Leonard" and Sheldon's mom and "Lesley Winkel" years' ago in "Roseanne"?

Sleepingbunnies · 11/06/2014 20:27

I love shelly's mum!

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Sleepingbunnies · 11/06/2014 20:51

Can I be officially worried yet? :(

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