Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend arriving in 5...

236 replies

Sleepingbunnies · 10/06/2014 22:46

Posted in chat too but thought I might get more responses here... My DP is arriving in 5 mins with my friend who has finally left her abusive partner after 13 years.

He bit her fucking face! I am so angry.

I have told her she can stay as long as she likes in our spare room but I thing she'll be back with him by the weekend, don't know why, just a feeling I have.

I want her to stay gone!

OP posts:
MaryWestmacott · 11/06/2014 14:25

bullies never are.

Can you suggest she goes to the police? Or at very least, gets some photos of the bite.

And get her to tell as many people as possible.

MaryWestmacott · 11/06/2014 14:26

BTW - can you talk to your boss and explain what's going on and go home early?

Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 11/06/2014 14:26

I'm swinging between anger and thinking I'm in over my head.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 11/06/2014 14:29

I'm hoping they will let me leave early.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 11/06/2014 14:39

He'd be a fool to start anything on your doorstep. Unlike your friend you wouldn't have any compunction about phoning the police about a disturbance much less aggressive behaviour.

Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 11/06/2014 14:43

I also wouldn't hold my temper donkey!

OP posts:
BigBlockSingsong · 11/06/2014 14:45

Oh god does he know where you live?

Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 11/06/2014 14:59

He does, unfortunately. I don't actually know what to do now.

OP posts:
Pandora452 · 11/06/2014 15:04

I'd be tempted to ring your local police station on the non emergency line, explain that you have your friend and the situation behind it, and that you've been warned he's not happy, and so can you have it noted now, in case you need to ring them later. If he turns up, ring them back before it has chance to escalate.
I'd think that it being your house you can do that for YOUR safety. If your friend decides to talk to him or go off with him, you've protected yourself

Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 11/06/2014 15:28

Typical, as soon as it looks like I can leave early I have loads to do :(

OP posts:
MaryWestmacott · 11/06/2014 15:30

Talk to work, see if someone else can take over.

Agree call the local police station and explain the situation, see what advice they can give and get it logged.

Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 11/06/2014 15:48

Leaving work in 10 and hoping for an uneven til evening. Thank you all for keeping me company today, I am aware Iv been posting loads Blush just took me a bit to et my head round what's going on :(

OP posts:
Lweji · 11/06/2014 16:09

She may well feel lost and really not know what she will do or can do.
You do not necessarily need to tell her what she must do, but you can certainly present her with her options, including the worst case scenarios if she goes back. You can also tell her that she is allowed to take time to decide what to do, without yielding to his pressure to "talk". And insist that the talk, when they do, is in public or with someone she trusts there.

Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 11/06/2014 16:48

I will try and get her to call the helpline I spoke to earlier.

Our friend who went to get her stuff said the flat was a state :(

OP posts:
Lweji · 11/06/2014 17:03

:(

Did they manage to take it all out? Or just a few things?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 11/06/2014 17:04

Hopefully it won't even come to this but write down any further abusive episodes you witness or hear about.

It would be useful to keep any texts or emails her abuser has sent as evidence. If she doesn't document each chapter of abuse, there’s no history to refer to.

Remember, according to her P, it is all about him and his hurt, throughout their history he will have convinced her that she is worthless. Rather than talk about him emphasise you are only interested in her.

As you know already, you can only do so much without appearing controlling too.

He has major flaws but just wait for him to begin projecting that she is the one with the problems.

BuzzardBird · 11/06/2014 17:12

Try not to feel that you have let her down when she goes back to him, as she probably will. It takes a while for the penny to drop sometimes, she may not ever leave him. Just carry on being a good friend and a refuge. Please tell me there are no children involved?

Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 11/06/2014 17:43

No children involved which is the only saving grave of this whole situation...

I had a message off her mum thanking me for letting her stay and saying, she needs to leave him stew for a few days... Something tells me she hasn't told her mum the truth!

OP posts:
lifehasafunnywayofhelpinguout · 11/06/2014 17:55

I have no words for her "dispicable husband" because they will be very very very unpleasant. . I really don't know what to say. Thankfully she's got you and your D.P for support. You seem like a wonderful friend. x

BuzzardBird · 11/06/2014 17:55

You know Sleeping your friend will minimize so that her Mum doesn't give her too much grief when she goes back to him.
I'm sorry, it must be so frustrating for you. I hope that sometime soon she comes to her senses. I am trying to think what the trigger point was for me when I decided "enough". Is she really frightened of him?

Longtalljosie · 11/06/2014 17:57

Well that would be your in "in" to reply to her mum and say he should be thanking his lucky stars the police weren't involved and you hope she stays away. If she has minimised that will help it come out.

Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 11/06/2014 18:05

buzzard I think she is scared of everything. Being on her own, starting again with not a great deal of income etc...

She did seem positive when I told her that I'd spoke to someone at the helpline and that she has options, said we would talk about them when she gets here tonight...

Our friend managed to get enough stuff so that she can stay a while without having to worry about going back, I'll just wash the clothes.

OP posts:
firstchoice · 11/06/2014 18:06

You are a good friend - she is fortunate to have you.

Please call the Police if you think he is heading towards your house.

All you can do is 'be there' for her, hard as it is, and hope for the best.x

BuzzardBird · 11/06/2014 18:11

It is good that she is interested on hearing her options :) Focus on that perhaps?

DoingItForMyself · 11/06/2014 18:14

I stayed with a Uni BF of 2 years after he bit my face and tried to strangle me. I had a massive bite mark and bruises to my wrists. He only stopped because my housemates heard me scream and the BF of one of them ran in and threw him out, otherwise I dread to think what would have happened.

He was of course full of tears and remorse, promises to never do it again. I stayed with him (in secret as I knew my friends wouldn't approve) and he didn't do it again but in the end I finished with him over something else (smoking/drugs).

I will always remember one friend saying to me that there was no point in them telling me to split up with him unless I was ready, but that one day the time would come when I thought "enough is enough". No matter what you think of this arsehole, if she loves him and isn't ready to leave for whatever reason, she won't.

Try not to judge her, he has probably spent years convincing her that she can't cope alone, that she'll never meet anyone else, that she's unloveable. It's no wonder we stick with them when we've been brainwashed to think that's all well ever get/deserve.

We'll done for being a good friend, try to be there for her, whatever she decides to do next. Be a positive voice of comfort and hope, not chiding and making her feel guilty if she stays. Xx