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Original poster

Should I still marry him?

180 replies

istisbad · 10/06/2014 20:44

DP and I are engaged. Very happy. As far as I know there are no problems between us. Great, adventurous sex life that eh says is the best he's ever had (and it is for me too).

He was married before. Good marriage mostly but he says virtually sexless for the last 10 years. They married very young. They divorced because she fell in love with someone else.

Red flags from the outset were that he cheated on his wife with prostitutes. Not all the time, but 5 - 6 times in 10 years and he told me (yes, I know I am stupid) that it was because she didn't like sex and he loved her but needed to get it somewhere.

Anyway, the long and short of it is I found out he joined shagaholic a few months before he proposed last year when I was away for the week. If you don't know what that is it's a no strings attached dating for sex website.

He joined for exactly 3 hours, paid for it, then cancelled his member ship the same night.

I haven't talked to him about it. Before I did I really wanted to know how big a deal this is.

I mean...it's much worse than porn obviously. Does it mean he will eventually cheat, or might it just be curiosity that would never go anywhere?

I know I need to talk to him (and will) but he will just talk me round and I wnated to get my own head together first.

OP posts:
LalyRawr · 10/06/2014 20:46

The fact you need to ask the question gives your answer.

He sleeps with prostitutes, joins no strings sex websites, he cheats. How many more reasons do you want?

PotteringAlong · 10/06/2014 20:47

It is a big deal. Yes, he cancelled it but he joined too. And that takes thought; credit card detail etc.

LalyRawr · 10/06/2014 20:48

Oh and he made the reason he cheated on his wife, her fault. If she just had sex it never would have happened!

I realise I sound harsh, but honestly, get out now. He will do exactly the same to you and guess what? That will be all your fault. {According to him clearly, not anyone else}

YouAreCompletelyRight · 10/06/2014 20:48

Don't marry this guy. Run, run as fast as you can.

Imsuchamess · 10/06/2014 20:48

I wouldn't marry him sorry op. I couldn't be with someone who had ever used prostitutes.

wallaby73 · 10/06/2014 20:51

No, just.....no. This is not the footing with which to base a lifelong committment. And really, it doesn't matter what he says, any promises he makes. You KNOW his predilictions. You deserve so much better....good luck xx

cece · 10/06/2014 20:51

No I wouldn't marry him.

tumbletumble · 10/06/2014 20:52

I think one problem here is that he has placed a lot of pressure on you maintaining a fantastic sex life. What if it dips later on (many women go off sex temporarily when pregnant or with a newborn) - will you always worry he is looking elsewhere?

expatinscotland · 10/06/2014 20:52

Run fast and far! This person is selfish in the extreme.

He tries to talk you down, minimise your feelings, that's manipulative.

He has a tendency to see women as sexual appliances.

No need to 'talk'. Just, I have given it a lot of thought, and this relationship isn't working for me. I'm calling it quits.

expatinscotland · 10/06/2014 20:54

Virtually sexless, my arse. She probably got sick of having to satisfy his sexual demands daily.

NoglenTilLykke · 10/06/2014 20:54

no don't.

As good as it feels, or felt, it was built on sand.

Even in a relationship that's the "best he's ever had" he's looking to cheat, actively looking for the opportunity to cheat. And with prostitutes!? That's so exploitative.

It would also make me wonder what the story was with his xw. Was there really no sex? or was he just lying to make his having bought women sound slightly less awful.

Even if it's good right inside your bubble, I would question his respect for women, his commitment to the whole truth (not just a version that paints him in a good light) and I'd also believe that even when he has it good, he still has an eye out elsewhere for more.

ShoeWhore · 10/06/2014 20:55

I thought exactly the same as tumble tbh - what if you have a baby/feel unwell/are really stressed and your libido suffers?

matildasquared · 10/06/2014 20:55

Really, the fact that you're on a web forum asking this gives you your answer.

Hassled · 10/06/2014 20:56

I don't think the niggling doubt you have in the back of your mind which made you post in the first place will ever really go away. Even if you'd had 100 posters saying "yes, of course you should still marry him", you'd still be wondering 5 years down the line. You'd still be looking for signs, wondering why he's late home, wondering when you can get the chance to check his phone. It's no way to live.

NoglenTilLykke · 10/06/2014 20:59

oh sorry, i actually misquoted him there. he didn't say it is the best relatioship he's ever had, he says it's the best sex life he's ever had. Well. wham bam thank you m'am. For now. I'm not married and I wouldn't marry somebody unless it suited me completely, my needs, my personality, my life.......... it sounds like his idea of a good sex life between two people is what suits him. As others say, what if he pisses you off by being selfish, or you feel resentful about something, will he try to look at his behaviour with a view to compromising? or, would he log back on to shagaholics with the belief that he's entitled now.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 10/06/2014 21:01

Ugh, he's gross. Game over.

CanaryYellow · 10/06/2014 21:03

If you marry this man you'll be spending a lot of time here on the relationships section of Mumsnet.

Hogwash · 10/06/2014 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IrianofWay · 10/06/2014 21:09

Run.

He cheated on his wife because she didn't open her legs enough. He (comsidered) cheating on you inspite of the best sex he has ever had when he was denied it for a week!

There is no way you can sustain the sort of sex that you have when you are first together for ever.

I am also wondering what 'virtually sexless' means in terms of his first marriage?.... Perhaps 'only' once a week ?

Original poster
istisbad · 10/06/2014 21:12

I did feel that.

I know this makes me very stupid and naive, but he voluntarily told me about his past cheated (I assumed this meant I was diferrent, special etc) and I would never have found out othewise. All he ever did was tell me how much better it was with me, how he would never do anything like this to me.

There's a difference between what I want to believe and what I sort of know i true. Paying money to join an explicit dating website is one step off cheating...?

I did come here because I flt this horrible sense that I have to break off my engagement. But wanted some independent opinions. On its own maybe it's not a dealbreaker but combined with his history...maybe he is just a pervert.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 10/06/2014 21:15

Shagaholic is what he is. There's more to life than fucking, but he's too much of a thick sleazeball to realise this.

expatinscotland · 10/06/2014 21:16

He is just a pervert.

defineme · 10/06/2014 21:16

A lot of marriages have differing sex drives/ dry patches-prostituition is not the obvious next step-wanking is!
If it went on for years then counselling or split up-still no need for prostitutes!
Joining that website is grim too.
my question is why would you marry him-not sure how you can stand being eith him tbh.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 10/06/2014 21:17

Your instincts are bang on. Listen to them.

A man who uses prostitutes is a woman hating scum. Without exception.

Viviennemary · 10/06/2014 21:17

I sometimes like to give folk the benefit of the doubt. But in this case it's crystal clear. Run for the hills. There is just simply no other option. Sorry to have to say this.