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Original poster

Should I still marry him?

180 replies

istisbad · 10/06/2014 20:44

DP and I are engaged. Very happy. As far as I know there are no problems between us. Great, adventurous sex life that eh says is the best he's ever had (and it is for me too).

He was married before. Good marriage mostly but he says virtually sexless for the last 10 years. They married very young. They divorced because she fell in love with someone else.

Red flags from the outset were that he cheated on his wife with prostitutes. Not all the time, but 5 - 6 times in 10 years and he told me (yes, I know I am stupid) that it was because she didn't like sex and he loved her but needed to get it somewhere.

Anyway, the long and short of it is I found out he joined shagaholic a few months before he proposed last year when I was away for the week. If you don't know what that is it's a no strings attached dating for sex website.

He joined for exactly 3 hours, paid for it, then cancelled his member ship the same night.

I haven't talked to him about it. Before I did I really wanted to know how big a deal this is.

I mean...it's much worse than porn obviously. Does it mean he will eventually cheat, or might it just be curiosity that would never go anywhere?

I know I need to talk to him (and will) but he will just talk me round and I wnated to get my own head together first.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 12/06/2014 16:19

So he told you he cheated. So what? That means nothing more than that he's a cheat and has excuses for it that made it ok. It certainly doesn't mean he's 'reformed', his actions & justification of his cheating say otherwise. And paying for a dating website of ANY kind when in a (supposedly) committed relationship isn't 'one step off' cheating. It IS cheating. Commitment is the keeping of your mind and body for one person without reservation.

And sex, while important, is the smallest part of a relationship. Much more important are trust, fidelity, and openly sharing your lives together.

He is not trustworthy, end of. Not when it comes to fidelity, not when it comes to openly sharing his life. And if you don't have trust in a relationship then you don't have a relationship in the first place.

Break it off now before it's too late. And then don't listen to a word he says trying to get you back. It will all be lies to keep someone who will enable his lifestyle. Don't be that person.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/06/2014 16:25

Oops. just read the last few pages after my post. Good for you, OP. I'm glad you decided to leave.

As far as the ring, I believe etiquette says if an engagement is broken, the ring should be returned. After marriage, you keep it. Frankly, I wouldn't want the reminder.

Original poster
istisbad · 12/06/2014 16:56

This has all been hard to read.

Just had an awful time where it started to hit me. I can't believe it's the same person I thought he was. I trusted him so much - never checked on him, ever.

It's such a horrible feeling knowing he's gone for good. I really loved him. Like more than I ever loved anyone. It hurts so much

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 12/06/2014 17:00

It will, but you have saved yourself so much more pain in the long run.

Love yourself more than someone whose cock is the most important part of a relationship.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/06/2014 17:45

Yes, it always hurts when we are disillusioned. The pain of the loss and the pain of knowing it was really all a dream.

Acknowledge that you loved who you THOUGHT he was, not who he really was. Acknowledge the pain of your loss. And it is a loss, because you thought things were different than they were.

But as expat says, also acknowledge that you have saved yourself from even worse heartache and sorrow.

Then just start putting one foot in front of the other. The farther you get from this (figuratively speaking) the easier it will get. Try to find someone in RL who will hold your hand during the 'down' times.

something2say · 12/06/2014 18:54

I too am sorry darling. It does hurt I know. Hugs x

Hogwash · 12/06/2014 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 12/06/2014 19:45

It does hurt. Of course it does, because you are human and you loved him. But you love yourself more: your standards, your boundaries, your behaviour and the behaviour you expect from your life partner. Accept the hurt, it shows you're human, that you care for another person deeply. It will get better - maybe not soon, maybe only by tiny increments, but it will get better.

MaryWestmacott · 12/06/2014 20:00

Re the ring, keep it. pop it in your jewllery box and ignore for a while. You've got enough to 'plan' now, that's not one you need to deal with this week, or even this month, just pop it to one side and deal with everything else.

expatinscotland · 12/06/2014 20:15

If you have any doubts, just google Tory Spelling. This foolish woman married a skanky horndog who cheated on his first wife, too, had four kids with him, and he still kept up the pressure for lots and lots of 'adventurous' sex. Then cheated on her, too.

Some people let their genitals rules their lives. How boring.

Rightallalong · 12/06/2014 20:22

As hard as it is OP, get rid now.

He's devious and he's a liar.

His ex wife probably has a few similar tales to tell!

Rightallalong · 12/06/2014 20:24

Oop, posted and then realised my phone hadn't refreshed.

Sorry OP Blush

YouAreCompletelyRight · 12/06/2014 20:40

If you don't want the ring, return it to him.

Or sell it and buy something new/give the money to charity.

Or keep it. I regret giving away my diamonds from a failed relationship now that I have two daughters.

scottishmummy · 12/06/2014 20:43

Sorry this is all so fraught,yes id get rid of him.
Keep or sell ring up to you

GoldfishCrackers · 12/06/2014 21:19

You sound lovely, OP. I'm sorry it's so hard. You loved the person he pretended to be, and have to 'grieve' the loss of that person. You are capable of loving someone openly and honestly, and allowing that person to see the true you. That's brilliant; even though you feel absolutely wretched now, you're capable of true partnership and happiness now you've got rid of him. He isn't capable of that.

Original poster
istisbad · 12/06/2014 21:47

I'm going to give it back. It's not mine.

I did love who he pretended to be. That's such a horrible feeling. Been crying all day and have a really bad headache now. Off to best friends tomorrow and will get a lot of hugs but it just feels awful right now.

Am really worried that I am going to be painted as the bad guy here. Not like I can tell his Mum / people around town that he joined Shagaholic. Not that it matters...but I feel worried people will hate me.

I'm worrying about funny things. I really miss him. Miss having someone I just loved and who loved me. I was in a pair.

So weird that I might never have found out about this except for a funny chin of events. I feel sort of annoyed that I did. Rather be in the dark and just have my happy life / home /safe haven back again. Which I know it stupid.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 12/06/2014 22:09

Why can't you tell them the truth? And you know what, you are moving. Move the hell away from him and his prossie and shagaholic.

I would get out of there ASAP.

Hogwash · 12/06/2014 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/06/2014 22:30

And just exactly why can't you tell the truth about what caused you to end the engagement? The truth is what it is, and you are not responsible for what that truth is. He is. It's not your worry to protect him, his mum, or people around town. If nothing else, you can just say that you found out he joined an online dating service without saying which one. Frankly, if it was me I would have no compunction about telling the truth, if I was asked. And I certainly wouldn't allow people to think I was the bad guy in your situation.

GarlicJuneBlooms · 12/06/2014 22:33

Erm, yes, what Across says! "I found out he'd been looking for no-strings sex" should cover it.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/06/2014 22:33

And would you really rather be under a delusion about him? And have him shagging who knows what, spending your hard earned money (because if you were married part of that joint income would be your earnings) on tramps/online porn/whatever and possibly bringing home who knows what nasty diseases? No, of course you wouldn't. You aren't stupid. You're just hurt and disappointed.

Kerryp · 12/06/2014 22:44

I agree op, why can't you just explain the situation if anyone asks? Why should you cover his tracks? He doesnt deserve your protection and he didn't deserve you x

Notmadeofrib · 12/06/2014 22:58

Tell the truth OP, don't put the boot in, but do be honest.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 12/06/2014 23:39

Perhaps, initially, what you may be feeling is similar to separation anxiety. Change can be hard...But you really need this change because to think you were going to get a Happily Ever After with him is distorted thinking. His agreeableness towards you was his strategy of seduction, not based in anything authentic or sincere. It is a mindfuck. So is minimizing the use of prostitutes which presents the manipulation that you are the unreasonable/immoral/unethical one if you do not agree with him. You are well rid: a very lucky escape.

If you offered the ring to him and he refused, then it is yours with clear conscience.

Original poster
istisbad · 12/06/2014 23:47

Now you say it like that I do think I can probably say the truth. Or at least say he was an online dating agency.

Don't worry. I won't change my mind or be pulled back in because I do know it's not a question of forgiving him or not, it's a question to signing up to a marriage with someone who is a liar and a cheat.

I'm emotional, but also practical and I know that would be no life.

I just thought he would never do it. Still in disbelief.

OP posts: