Should I still marry him?

[istisbad]

DP and I are engaged. Very happy. As far as I know there are no problems between us. Great, adventurous sex life that eh says is the best he's ever had (and it is for me too).

He was married before. Good marriage mostly but he says virtually sexless for the last 10 years. They married very young. They divorced because she fell in love with someone else.

Red flags from the outset were that he cheated on his wife with prostitutes. Not all the time, but 5 - 6 times in 10 years and he told me (yes, I know I am stupid) that it was because she didn't like sex and he loved her but needed to get it somewhere.

Anyway, the long and short of it is I found out he joined shagaholic a few months before he proposed last year when I was away for the week. If you don't know what that is it's a no strings attached dating for sex website.

He joined for exactly 3 hours, paid for it, then cancelled his member ship the same night.

I haven't talked to him about it. Before I did I really wanted to know how big a deal this is.

I mean...it's much worse than porn obviously. Does it mean he will eventually cheat, or might it just be curiosity that would never go anywhere?

I know I need to talk to him (and will) but he will just talk me round and I wnated to get my own head together first.

Oh God. The thing is, no matter how great your sex life is, the ardour will cool eventually. The sex will still be great and fulfilling but no couple can maintain that same urgency for twenty years of marriage. Then where do you go? He has a history of cheating, it's in the back of your mind that he has done this thing with the website, perhaps there are children, stress, job loss to deal with and sex loses some of it's priority, that situation will drive you crazy.

It's good that he de-registered immediately. Perhaps it was just a weak moment and he checked himself, which is a positive and means maybe you can salvage something. But what's to stop him next time he feels weak? Or the time after that? He's got some convincing to do.

Prostitutes says it all really. You have all the facts before you marry this man. Be wise, safe yourself the heartache that you will no doubt endure in the future and don't marry him.

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I know you're all right. I feel so sad

How long have you been together?

If he's looking for sex before you're even married and whilst having a great sex life with you there is frankly little chance of him not doing it again. Surely you value yourself more? Is being single so awful that you will stay with someone who is lining up to have sex outside of marriage in a very sleazy way?

I would feel sad as well. You're in love with another man though and have blinded yourself to this side of him

I love him. I know that sounds stupid, but I really do. I just had an instant reaction that I can't marry him, or trust him. It's ruined everything. I suppose I dont know what else he does if I am away

You know the answer.

Two years when he did that. Three years now. It was a year ago. I just found out. It was a few months before he proposed :(

You will feel far sadder the longer you stay with this creep and he makes you feel like crap for not spreading your legs whenever he wants or he will pay someone for it. And even if you do . . . he's still looking to perv around.

Yuk.

I'd feel sad for wasting my time with such a slimeball horndog, tbh.

He might have been shagging ex wife and prostitutes at same time...he is just telling you it was sexless...its what he has to say to justify his use of prostitutes. Did she really leave cos she fell in love with someone else....or did that someone else enable her to have a wake up call, that going to prostitutes is unacceptable? So she left.

Breaking up is so hard because we rarely fall completely out of love with someone. However leaving before you really get damaged is far better

He will try to minimise it. Just the way he did with fucking prostitutes - it was her fault, she didn't want to fuck me constantly.

Ok so you forgave him for paying for sex once before. Don't make the mistake of doing it again.

It's a big shock to find out that someone you love has a whole other side to them and doesn't necessarily have your best interests at heart. But none of this is your fault. He's got some quite serious issues with women and you have your head screwed on tightly enough to recognise immediately that he spells problems for you later down the line.

I can't imagine ever thinking "He is just a pervert" about someone I loved. I couldn't love them. Don't marry this man. He doesn't respect women.

Don't get me wrong- the idea of a man using prostitutes gives me the icks and I would find it hard to be able to see past that if I knew my partner had done it in the past- but I think people can change and do change and we've all done dubious things at times (well... I have).

However, the joining the no strings website isn't nice. I'd be really unhappy if I found out my DH had done that and would most certainly be discussing it, if not leaving him over it.

I also agree that it's far too much pressure on your sex life. I'm 8 months into a horrible pregnancy- I've been sick at least once every single day since 27th October last year- and sex has been bottom of my priorities list. We've probably done it 10 times maximum in all that time and I've not always been a minx swinging from the lampshades on those occasions either (sometimes I was gagging mid-shag! ), and I'm now on a sex ban from the consultant as I'm rhesus negative and had bleeding based complications. That's all been stressful enough, but if I was worrying about my DH going off and finding sex elsewhere on top of all that, it would be unbearable. You're setting yourself up for a lot of stress and heartache in my opinion.

To be fair I did know his marriage was sexless, that wasn't a lie he told. They didn't have sex at all in the last 4 years. I herd about that from mutual friends over wines and them telling me they were so glad he was with someone who loved him because she never did etc. etc. and how great it was to finally see him happy. I suppose I felt sorry for him. I know she did reject him. He didn't make this up, and at the time he confessed all this I did get very angry and tell him it was disgusting etc and he said he knew it was and he cried and he told me he'd been immature, stupid, a fool and that he would never be that way with me.

I know how stupid this makes me sound from the outside, but he's not a jerk, he's you're every day nice guy. Not the type you'd expect or you might have pictured.

I am starting to feel like a light is switching on though. He's so sweet and gentle but also manipulative and lies a lot. Very subtle and always "lies for the best" or "to protect" but it makes me uncomfortable.

I might be with a bad man and did not know it. I feel really weird.

I don't like the fact that he pretends his cheating and use of prostitutes is related to his partner's behaviour: his explanation is that she wasn't giving him enough sex so he went to prostitutes. But you'll not be so remiss so he doesn't have to... unless he does, in which case it will be your fault. He is not saying: I cheated on my wife, I paid to have sex with vulnerable women, I'm sorry, I'll never be such a sleazy bastard again.
When he married his first wife, do you think he thought that the sex was great, he'd never need to cheat.
Can you imagine yourself if you marry and have children with this man, you're recovering from childbirth, feeling exhausted and sore, getting little sleep with a newborn and feeling that the only thing stopping your husband going to a prostitute is you continuing to have a very active and adventurous sex life? Who need that sort of pressure?

Oh, please! She didn't reject him. She got sick of this perverted, lying manipulative twat.

'He's so sweet and gentle but also manipulative and lies a lot. Very subtle and always "lies for the best" or "to protect" but it makes me uncomfortable.'

That's very characteristic of twats like this. A lie is a lie. He lies to suit himself, all liars do.

Well I assume his friends are only going by his side of the story so unless you've heard it directly from his X I wouldn't believe a word of it.

That said, if my DH went with prostitutes the end of our marriage would be pretty sexless too. She may, for example have tried to rebuild the trust but not managed to have sex again. (can't blame her)

Sweetheart, have you been checked for STIs?

Asked him about it and he lied. Said it was a "mistake". I am 100% sure it's not...have proof, but the lying made me just know 100% for sure that I have to leave.

What was a mistake? The signing up on a website for pervs who just want to fuck? No, it wasn't.

He lies a lot.

Something similar happened to me.

6 weeks before I got married my SIL to be accidentally let it slip he'd got with his previous wife via an affair.

She was married to someone in the army and she left him for hubby to be.

I challenged him and he admitted it, he was convinced I wouldn't marry him.

I should have run and kept going, I foolishly married him and guess what he had an affair while I was in the throes of PND. He left and came back 4 times until he finally went for good.

My advice run as fast as you can, he won't change.