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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I still marry him?

180 replies

istisbad · 10/06/2014 20:44

DP and I are engaged. Very happy. As far as I know there are no problems between us. Great, adventurous sex life that eh says is the best he's ever had (and it is for me too).

He was married before. Good marriage mostly but he says virtually sexless for the last 10 years. They married very young. They divorced because she fell in love with someone else.

Red flags from the outset were that he cheated on his wife with prostitutes. Not all the time, but 5 - 6 times in 10 years and he told me (yes, I know I am stupid) that it was because she didn't like sex and he loved her but needed to get it somewhere.

Anyway, the long and short of it is I found out he joined shagaholic a few months before he proposed last year when I was away for the week. If you don't know what that is it's a no strings attached dating for sex website.

He joined for exactly 3 hours, paid for it, then cancelled his member ship the same night.

I haven't talked to him about it. Before I did I really wanted to know how big a deal this is.

I mean...it's much worse than porn obviously. Does it mean he will eventually cheat, or might it just be curiosity that would never go anywhere?

I know I need to talk to him (and will) but he will just talk me round and I wnated to get my own head together first.

OP posts:
Hogwash · 11/06/2014 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellsbellsmelons · 11/06/2014 10:27

It must be heartbreaking for you.
You will feel a lot better about things with you have shared your problems with your friend.
Get support from anyone you can.
You are being so very strong.
Respect!

WilsonFrickett · 11/06/2014 10:27

You are being amazing OP. Really, really amazing.

Original poster
istisbad · 11/06/2014 10:28

It was a weird co-incidence as to why I found out...a friends BF had been to the site (she saw in in his favs) and I went to it to check it out and it seemed to have been visited and had his username on it. He was dumb enough to use the password he uses fro everything, so I just logged into his account. Unfortunately because he de-activated the membership I can't view messages sent etc. but I can view the account info page which shows the exact join date and financial transactions. It was almost a year ago now. Mad to think he almost got away with it.

OP posts:
tumbletumble · 11/06/2014 10:33

Stay strong OP. You are an amazing woman.

Original poster
istisbad · 11/06/2014 10:35

I am honestly okay. I don;t see this as something wrong with me. I gave him no reason to do this, and he has form. Therefore I'm old enough to be objective and see this is a "fault" inside him and not me. Some sort of perversion for random sex. I get that some men are like that.

The part that makes me angry is that he has every right to be like this, but not to drag someone else into it. Why not just be single and seedy? No need to hurt anyone...unless you choose t lie.

I'm okay.

Have seen friends go through affairs and have seen how men treat you when they meet someone else. I've no intention of having little kids and finding out the wank I am married to has been fucking prostitutes.

OP posts:
Original poster
istisbad · 11/06/2014 10:36

Sorry I keep swearing. Just angry! Angry mostly at him for wasting my time. And also the pain / difficulty this will cause among people we know. Parents, friends etc.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 11/06/2014 10:41

You have every right to be angry.

And as you hinted before you are probably right.... you have probably just scratched the tip of his seedy Iceburg. By ending it you will no longer will have any nasty suprises to come.

wallypops · 11/06/2014 10:43

My ex had cheated on every partner. I cannot imagine why I thought it'd be different with me. Of course he cheated on me from pregnancy one til near the end. And I had the higher sex drive by miles.

Original poster
istisbad · 11/06/2014 10:48

I suppose I always knew that if someone was capable of lying / cheating to one person they can do it to anyone. You just sometimes tell yourself what you want to believe, don't you?

OP posts:
tumbletumble · 11/06/2014 10:54

I'm angry too on your behalf! Bet you can't wait to pull out the rug from under him and expose him as a lying, cheating scumbag!

WilsonFrickett · 11/06/2014 11:18

Angry is good. Stay with it because he will try to lie his pathetic arse out of this when you confront him...

toyoungtodie · 11/06/2014 11:40

I can't imagine what it must take for an ordinary man to resort to a prostitute. However I did have an ordinary little man tell me about his experience once. He was in his late fifties, living with his very powerful dominating wife. I loved them both by the way. He told me that his wife hardly ever touched him and he was too frightened to say anything to her. He went into a local small town from time to time and met up with the same woman, who he then had sex with. I was astonished but not shocked by this revelation as he was so timid and ordinary. He said he needed some intimacy and warmth. He did not want to leave his wife as they were in a long lasting marriage and they came from a large close local farming family and it had taken an inordinate amount of courage on his part to do this. Usually I would agree with the others posting on here, but I could not in all honesty call him a pervert or women hating scum. The OP who is posting has her doubts, and I agree it is likely that the lure of the Sex sites will prove too much for her chap when the honeymoon period has passed.

Butterflyspring · 11/06/2014 12:04

I don't think there is any justification in visiting prostitutes - that is enough reason to flee without the websites. It is just treating women like pieces of meat - how grim.

And I hate to say it op but STI testing would be a good idea?

You sound v strong - you will be grand. And anger is good.

something2say · 11/06/2014 12:21

I think you are being very wise too. Marriage is a big deal and respect needs to be there - I agree with the many women saying that any man who thinks he can buy a woman sexually is not a decent man.

Do it soon and do it quick and clean. The shock tho - people to talk it thro with until you have nothing left to say.

There ARE lovely men out there - your red flag radar is working - you will find one soon enough. Really, the quicker you sort this out the better.

XX

Original poster
istisbad · 11/06/2014 13:20

He told me that his wife hardly ever touched him and he was too frightened to say anything to her. He went into a local small town from time to time and met up with the same woman, who he then had sex with. I was astonished but not shocked by this revelation as he was so timid and ordinary. He said he needed some intimacy and warmth. He did not want to leave his wife as they were in a long lasting marriage and they came from a large close local farming family and it had taken an inordinate amount of courage on his part to do this

Word for word, this is identical. the only difference was his age. He was scared of her (he still is, shakes when she comes over) and I reckon he got into the habit of lying over 15 years.

Exactly the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
istisbad · 11/06/2014 13:26

I kind of still have sympathy for him with his ex wife. I always knew he was kind of a coward. I think his lies / manipulation are from insecurity / need to be liked but he is 100% a kind and good man. He acts like a diferrent person depending on who he is with. Scared to be himself. I know that for sure that he has a good heart and isn't a woman hater.

However, I could never marry someone who lied to me. I think this is something I stopped doing in my twenties because I realised I was cheating myself out of an honest relationship.

When he gave me all these revelations at the time, I remember being very angry and disgusted and I explained to him that his marriage was over the MOMENT he did those things, and he agreed it was. He cried and swore he'd not do it with me.

It's just who he is. Some people are capable of doing stuff if they feel "she would never know...where's the harm"but they don't understand that whether the other person finds out or not you've shat on what is special between you in the act of what you have done.

If you can't tell your partner about something you are doing..you should not be doing it.

I can't marry a liar. Just can't do it. What's the point? Isn't it supposed to be the ONE person who doesn't do that? The ONE person you trust most? I'll always have doubts now...I'll never KNOW.

When I am sick or busy or there's a rough patch, his cowardice would cause him to not talk to me and be honest and solve our problems...it will drive him to get what he needs elsewhere becaue this is hat cowards do.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 11/06/2014 15:36

Don't waste time feeling bad for him. Focus on you. No one put a gun to his head and forced him to do anything.

He now lets his cock rule and expects you to go along with it ad still goes on sites like shagaholic and is known to have paid women to shag him. Gross.

YouAreCompletelyRight · 11/06/2014 16:37

Glad you are managing to see things clearly, OP. All the best for what lies ahead.

It would be interesting to hear his EXW's version of events.

Only1scoop · 11/06/2014 16:42

Op sounds like you have him down to a tea.

In time you will look back and thank your lucky stars that you aren't there wondering what the vile coward is doing behind your back.

Don't waste to much energy with the details of it all. He has the lying streak....so vile ....so painful....so destructive whichever way it manifests itself.

The timing was spot on here.

It happened for a reason Thanks

lulu1971 · 11/06/2014 16:52

I'm sorry you're going through this. I cancelled my wedding to a man very similar to this 6 weeks before we were due to get married. Mind you it took me 3 further years of pain, abuse and constant lies before I left. I finally walked out on Saturday with the kids and I will never go back. Please please don't marry this man. You will ensure years of the agony that I have put up with and you will become someone you don't recognise anymore. I wish you well x

something2say · 11/06/2014 17:02

From what you've written, this is what I want to respond to.

You are in a relationship with a person who has unresolved emotional issues. We all owe it to ourselves to sort ourselves out sufficiently to do the right thing. He has not, he is still suffering, you say insecure. And he makes others suffer.

I have learned the hard way not to get into relationships with people like this. I think it's a rule I'd live by now really. It just doesn't work.

Anyway how are you doing? What is your next step? X

Original poster
istisbad · 11/06/2014 17:24

Thanks somethingtosay. I have to say he puts on a very good show of being emotionally healthy but his actions tell another story. To be honest, I think I loved him before I saw him as weak.

I am very calm. Resigned. I realise I love him now, but I am being objective and trying to remember that I would never have loved him in the first place if I had known something like this would happen. I'm aware there is a 100% chance he will lie, cheat or otherwise let me down so I don't have any confusion on what needs to be done.

I feel very tired, but going to best friends for the weekend and will make a plan for practicalities. I think I will be moving "home" as where I live is for his job, not mine. I am self employed and can work from anywhere. Will chat all this over with best friend.

Thank you all of you for the reassurance I am not being a drama queen or over-reacting here. I needed it to find my strength.

OP posts:
NoglenTilLykke · 11/06/2014 18:08

When it comes to breaking it off, he will probably try and argue it all 'round, so tryy and choose phrases that are non-negotiable and all about YOUR bar rather than his behaviour. Subtle difference perhaps when it's his behaviour that fails to reach your bar, but when you are giving him your decision, I imagine it will be very difficult to present your decision in a categoric way, your decision, so therefore, OVER. I bet he doesn't get it.

I admire you and I can assure you you are doing the right thing. When I had a three year old and a baby and I had pnd and I was going crazy, unsupported and criticised and scapegoated and blamed, i also knew deepdown that on one level I'd walked knowingly in to that shitty hard life by ignoring the signs so well done.

madbutnormal · 11/06/2014 18:10

How do you know he cancelled mem ership. Did you check?