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Original poster

Should I still marry him?

180 replies

istisbad · 10/06/2014 20:44

DP and I are engaged. Very happy. As far as I know there are no problems between us. Great, adventurous sex life that eh says is the best he's ever had (and it is for me too).

He was married before. Good marriage mostly but he says virtually sexless for the last 10 years. They married very young. They divorced because she fell in love with someone else.

Red flags from the outset were that he cheated on his wife with prostitutes. Not all the time, but 5 - 6 times in 10 years and he told me (yes, I know I am stupid) that it was because she didn't like sex and he loved her but needed to get it somewhere.

Anyway, the long and short of it is I found out he joined shagaholic a few months before he proposed last year when I was away for the week. If you don't know what that is it's a no strings attached dating for sex website.

He joined for exactly 3 hours, paid for it, then cancelled his member ship the same night.

I haven't talked to him about it. Before I did I really wanted to know how big a deal this is.

I mean...it's much worse than porn obviously. Does it mean he will eventually cheat, or might it just be curiosity that would never go anywhere?

I know I need to talk to him (and will) but he will just talk me round and I wnated to get my own head together first.

OP posts:
DippyDooDahDay · 10/06/2014 21:57

I know a 'lovely' married guy like this. Wife and all around him think he is wonderful. But he makes it clear to any female that he meets that he has a 'sexless marriage' (funny, as they have dc) and uses prostitutes and has a series of affairs quite openly (wife excluded in that 'circle of trust'). He justifies it and makes light of it. I totally think you will be in exactly the same position as his wife if you go ahead and stay with him. Really.

frames · 10/06/2014 21:58

He and his friends have sold you a story about past unhappiness. He went with prostitutes repeatedly, and cannot take responsibility for the breakdown of his relationship. The more committed he becomes to you, the more risks he will take with online sex sites and paying for sex. This is how it will be for you,mas it was for her. You need to leave, he needs to address this problems, and not expect a future partner to be a counsellor.

paxtecum · 10/06/2014 22:00

Op, he isn't the sort to support you through an awful illness, a bereavement, pnd, etc etc.
As soon as you are unable to give him adventurous sex he'll be off looking for it elsewhere.

What a shame.

Best wishes to you.

expatinscotland · 10/06/2014 22:01

And, even when you are having this 'adventurous' sex life, he's still casting about. What a creep.

mammadiggingdeep · 10/06/2014 22:05

I wouldn't be marrying a man who had cheated on his wife. I wouldn't be marry g a man who has used prostitutes. I wouldn't be marrying a man who joined a no strings sex site (for 3 mins, 3 hours or 3 decades- makes no difference to be honest).

I think you'd actually be bonkers to marry him.

Joysmum · 10/06/2014 22:06

If he could register for a site like that, even for only 3 hours, when things are good, just imagine what you'd be scared of when you go through a bad patch.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 10/06/2014 22:06

I'm sorry OP. Sorry that you love him and it's going to hurt.

But - the man you love doesn't exist. Being shown that, somewhere down the line, will hurt more. A lot more.

Good on you for biting the bullet. Don't settle for this.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 10/06/2014 22:07

The fact that he cancelled it the same night would mean to me that he had got enough information, phone numbers for local hook ups etc, in that short time span .

Him telling you, you are the best ever is blarney OP. If you had a candid talk with his ex I bet it would be an eye opener for you. Please don't marry him. He has already almost cheated (if not actually) his actions should speak much louder than his words.

heyday · 10/06/2014 22:09

Perhaps he had to pay upfront to even browse on shagaholic, he had a look and decided this was defo not for him!! How about a year down the line? Will he still feel the same? Why do you want to marry him? Why not just confront him on this, then tell him that you have your doubts at the moment about getting married and put the whole thing on hold.
He might be a great bloke but one who can't quite do the monogamous sex stuff. You could be walking into a whole load of pain and trouble here. Take it slowly and, if you love him, see how things pan out.
Alarm bells are ringing, don't go deaf on them.

AtSea1979 · 10/06/2014 22:15

You poor thing is there someone in RL who can support you while you throw him out and help you cancel the wedding etc?

tumbletumble · 10/06/2014 22:29

Good luck OP. I really hope it works out for you.

ShoeWhore · 10/06/2014 22:31

OP I can only try and imagine how confused hurt and devastated you feel right now. But I feel absolutely 100% sure that in time you will look back on this time and think, phew, thank goodness I got out of that and didn't marry him.

swarley · 10/06/2014 22:51

I was also thinking he joined, met someone and then deleted it. 3 hours is definitely enough time to join, meet someone and then get rid of the evidence. My friends bf cheated on her with sites like this and he could meet someone new, sleep with them and be home within an hour and a half.
I think your dp could have used these sites before if he was seeing prostitutes.

AnyFucker · 10/06/2014 23:01

A man that uses prostitutes ?

Not a man you should be marrying. What on earth are you thinking, OP ? The more recent shag sites just confirm the diagnosis...this is not a man that respects women

Stay with him and you will simply get more varieties of the same stuff. Grim.

findingherfeet · 10/06/2014 23:07

No don't marry him.

NoglenTilLykke · 10/06/2014 23:18

Definitely listen to your gut instinct. Different set of circumstances, but I wish I hadn't tried so hard to ignore what my gut was telling me.

Original poster
istisbad · 10/06/2014 23:20

If he could register for a site like that, even for only 3 hours, when things are good, just imagine what you'd be scared of when you go through a bad patch

Yeah, that was my thought on it

OP posts:
Hogwash · 10/06/2014 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maisie0 · 10/06/2014 23:33

No, don't marry him. It sounds like whatever he had, that is how he associate his life to be and how sex is to be too. But obviously the mutual friends in his circle does not know about the prostitutes. Don't you think that he is in some kind of habit or addiction ? You cannot be a part of that, and nor should you be there to heal him. Cos it will change how you see things too. I would not marry him.

Kerryp · 10/06/2014 23:36

Omg I'm sorry but NO!!! And I hope you've had an STD test as he's admitted sleeping with prostitutes in the past. Yuck!!!!
If you love him you'll probably end up staying with him but be prepared to find yourself on an episode of Jeremy Kyle.

Original poster
istisbad · 10/06/2014 23:37

Look really glad I posted here. I was half expecting 50% of the replies here to say it wasn't a big deal. I felt confused about it all but my gut was telling me this would be the beginning of ending up being cheated on

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/06/2014 23:38

What are you going to do, love ?

Original poster
istisbad · 10/06/2014 23:40

can't marry him anyfucker. just feels so surreal

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/06/2014 23:41

I am sorry.

wannaBe · 10/06/2014 23:42

op, I could accept that someone might have cheated with another woman if they had been in a sexless marriage, regretted it, been absolutely honest about it and having learned from the devastation caused, been sure they would never do it again.

But not multiple times with prostitutes.

A prostitute would be an absolute dealbreaker for me even if he'd been single at the time.