Should I still marry him?

[istisbad]

DP and I are engaged. Very happy. As far as I know there are no problems between us. Great, adventurous sex life that eh says is the best he's ever had (and it is for me too).

He was married before. Good marriage mostly but he says virtually sexless for the last 10 years. They married very young. They divorced because she fell in love with someone else.

Red flags from the outset were that he cheated on his wife with prostitutes. Not all the time, but 5 - 6 times in 10 years and he told me (yes, I know I am stupid) that it was because she didn't like sex and he loved her but needed to get it somewhere.

Anyway, the long and short of it is I found out he joined shagaholic a few months before he proposed last year when I was away for the week. If you don't know what that is it's a no strings attached dating for sex website.

He joined for exactly 3 hours, paid for it, then cancelled his member ship the same night.

I haven't talked to him about it. Before I did I really wanted to know how big a deal this is.

I mean...it's much worse than porn obviously. Does it mean he will eventually cheat, or might it just be curiosity that would never go anywhere?

I know I need to talk to him (and will) but he will just talk me round and I wnated to get my own head together first.

Tell a few friends. Blow it out of the water. That way, you won't be sucked in the mistake of maintaining a facade or keeping up appearances. TELL somebody quickly that because of his prioritisation of a sex life over a relationship, his visits to prostitutes, his logging on to shagaholics and his lies or 'spin' to make himself look less awful, you can't go ahead with the wedding.

thanks x

i know it must be really hard to break off an engagement. is much of the wedding planned?

Hope your ok, x

So sorry Op

In that 3 hours he could easily have hooked up with someone and you say he lies. You will always be wondering if you can trust this man.

Lying is a non negotiable

You deserve more.

He has the best sex he has ever had with you but he still feels the need to sign up to a shagging site?
This man will never be faithful in any relationship he ever has.

Put him behind you and get on with the rest of your life.

Not much no. Obligatory facebook announcement. Pictures of me like a fucking idiot showing off my lovely ring. Engagement party had where friends and family flew in and he gave a big speech about how much he loved me. Wedding date set. Wedding party invited to be part of our day. Venue booked and a very small holding deposit paid. That's it really...no big deal I guess.

This is one of those horrible times you have to let your head rule over your heart. It's completely shit. I just KNOW deep down it will get worse and I just can't marry someone and end up like the people I read about on here.

Why are some men such wankers. I love him. Gave him everything. Dirty underwear...role playing..sex 5 times a week after 3 years.

What is WRONG with him?

jesus. that would be exhausted. you've had a close shave there.

can you imagine it, three years down the line, pregnant with a toddler and him sulking cos you won't role play! and then the inevitable.... logging back on to shagaholics! and you know what he'd say in his defence ''Well you knew what I was like and you still married me".

Give yourself everything for the next while. You said earlier that you thought he opened up to you because you were special to him. Well, break it off because YOU are special to YOU.

I'm sorry istisbad this must really hurt. The root of this is that he's a liar and you fell in love with the lovely man that he pretended to be. But he doesn't really exist because it's just a lie to get you to love him. You're brave and smart enough to face up to this now - you are saving yourself from so much misery in the future.
The people who love you will know that calling off a wedding is not done lightly and should be sensitive to how hard this must be for you. I hope you can talk to people in RL about this.

Yeah, I do feel very stupid. you hear the stories over and over again about the dumb woman who thinks it won't happen because she i special and the ex wife was mean/frigid/blah blah blah but until you're living it - and that man is everything you ever wanted and you totally believe and trust him then it's hard to understand. I genuinely never thought he would do that to me.

And to be fair...that's just what i FOUND. Fuck know what else he's done. I checked over the messages between us that day (we skype chatted) and he was messaging me saying how sorry he was that he wasn't with me, how much he missed me. Puke.

I;d not be CAPABLE of that. Of even looking at a site like that. Just doing it is tantamount to chatting whether you meet someone or not.

Makes it worse that he won't even admit it. Such a cool liar.

Anyway, thanks all. I'm strangely calm. Going to get some sleep. He's away tonight anyway and it's just made me feel bone tired. Such a weird feeling.

I admire you OP for facing up to the truth about who this man is. The surreality is the gap between who you thought he was and who you are now realising he is. Must be quite a shock for you.

Breaking it off is definitely the right thing to do. At least you shouldn't have ANY doubts about that. Hope you can plan something really nice for yourself to look forward to.

Get rid.

He's not a decent man.

His 'honesty' here is just another manipulation. He's pointing out where the bar is in terms of your 'up for it availability', any deviation from the five nights a week schedule would justly him in paying for it.

Oh and the mutual friends bit, you wouldn't believe the crap Ex fed our mutual friends in an effort to paint himself as the victim. I can just hear the lies he will spout when you end the engagement. I can promise you that if you go ahead and marry this guy or became pregnant, more of the selfish and entitled behaviour would surface. The pathology of men like this is to find a scapegoat to blame so that they don't have to take responsibility and being the designated scapegoat in a relationship is no fun I can tell you.

I admire you.

Thinking of you....

I found all that stuff on exes pc....we stayed together for a few years....never any evidence he did it again....

It still ripped our relationship to shreds. The original lies.

Makes me sick to think how I put myself through it all when I could have walked away.

Makes plans to dump.

The chances of your marriage to this man being a happy one are almost nil. I would bet my house on it.

You are doing the right thing. Keep telling yourself that. A bit of heartache now to avoid a lot of it down the line.

Morning all. Okay. I have gone through this very carefully...retracing the steps. When you go to shagaholic there is a screen saying "Adult Hookups Join For Free" and underneath it says...

^The main goal of SahgaHolic adult dating site is sex dating. No commitments. No duties. Just sex. Fall in love or go for bootie calls – it’s up to you. New users joining every day. Passionate. Esthetic. Naughty. SEX. Fixing a rendezvous with a hot adult right from home or using a mobile device is something more and more people find awesome. Moreover, all profiles we have here are verified.
As a matter of fact, you can easily pick up a juicy sex contact in a couple of hours.^

1. He filled out the join for free form, on a page that said this.

1. He then went to his email address and confirmed his membership.

1. He then filled out a form on his preferences and what he was looking for.

1. Then general browsing wasn't enough. He wnated to actually send and receive emails from women, so he signed up for a full membership. For three hours he sat there online, dirty talking with women - maybe even arranged a fuck (does it make any difference?) and when he was done, he clicked to cancel the membership.

This is not a man looking for a wank or some photos of girls. Even a webcam site would give him that...this is a man looking to interact with REAL people, REAL other women.

And all through this he was telling me how much he loved and missed me. I remember so well after that trip we agreed I'd never go away for so long again, and I compromised by desires to have holidays and trips with friends if he could not make it too.

I am sitting here since very early adding it all up. He begged me to go out with him. Chased me for 6 months. Told me he loved me 10 weeks into it. Since the day we met he has been / done / said everything he possibly could to get me to love him. Playing a role.

Him? He's fat, balding, known as geeky and arkward. Me? The opposite.

He didn't / doesn't love me. I'm just another object to him, something to make HIM happy. Loyalty, honesty...real love...they are nothing to someone capable of this.

I agree he will twist this around to mutual friends to make himself appear the victim.

I'm leaving. I'm putting together a plan, slowly, quietly. I will talk to my closest RL friends about this. I took screenshots of it all, so if he dares to try and fuck with me he won't have a leg to stand on.

People are very sad, aren't they? I mean...why bother with all of this? why not just be normal?

I would ditch immediately. I'd never fuck him again.

Wow, you're so strong.

Oh isit....

I'm so so sorry.... I'm glad you have RL friends to confide in.

I'm glad you are not going to tear yourself apart with a life with a liar like I did for years.

Ill get flamed for generalising and superficial I'm sure ....but he was uber skinny.... geeky and probably the most unattractive of all the men I had been out with.

You sound as if you are keeping your cool despite your heartbreak....

I'm so sorry he is such a complete selfish fool.

Take care

He doesn't want you to go away so long because he's a pervy sleaze. He doesn't care what you want -trips away with friends- because it interferes with getting his rocks off. And the one time you did, he immediately went on a site to get a fuck.

Istis, you is awesome. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. Small comfort but at least you found out before you married him.

Well done. Keep strong. You deserve so much more and you will find a decent, loving man who truly loves you.