Should I still marry him?

[istisbad]

DP and I are engaged. Very happy. As far as I know there are no problems between us. Great, adventurous sex life that eh says is the best he's ever had (and it is for me too).

He was married before. Good marriage mostly but he says virtually sexless for the last 10 years. They married very young. They divorced because she fell in love with someone else.

Red flags from the outset were that he cheated on his wife with prostitutes. Not all the time, but 5 - 6 times in 10 years and he told me (yes, I know I am stupid) that it was because she didn't like sex and he loved her but needed to get it somewhere.

Anyway, the long and short of it is I found out he joined shagaholic a few months before he proposed last year when I was away for the week. If you don't know what that is it's a no strings attached dating for sex website.

He joined for exactly 3 hours, paid for it, then cancelled his member ship the same night.

I haven't talked to him about it. Before I did I really wanted to know how big a deal this is.

I mean...it's much worse than porn obviously. Does it mean he will eventually cheat, or might it just be curiosity that would never go anywhere?

I know I need to talk to him (and will) but he will just talk me round and I wnated to get my own head together first.

When you finish the relationship, try saying it like this

"it's over. It's not the future I want. I prioritise a relationship over sex."

rather than this way

"your lies are unacceptable, and I don't like that you went to prostitutes and logged on to dating sites" because he will no doubt argue it all round and deflect back at you with a list of YOUR failings!!!

I know from my own experience trying to end the relationship that was my hell, and also from reading too much mn! that some entitled selfish men don't fully grasp that you can end a relationship when you yourself are not "perfect". In their eyes, if you were The Perfect Woman (as judged by themselves) only then would you have the right to call time on a relationship with them with their minor faults. This is how this type sees it.

madbutnormal see the OP's post at 9:53 this morning, she saw exactly what he'd been up to on the site...

OP just wanted to say I really admire you, it takes great strength of character to face up to this like you have. Stay strong, we're all behind you.

Another one here admiring your strength. End it really is the right thing to do.

I too am sorry you have to do this, but the alternative would destroy your very soul.

I also wanted to say that his ExW didn't go off sex, she stopped wanting sex with him. If she wasn't bothered with the rumpety de pumpety, she'd not have gone off with someone else.

She found out something too, i'll bet.

I am glad you have some place to go.

Go as soon as possible. People like this grind you down.

If you were my daughter, I'd be flying over there to get your stuff packed.

'This is not the relationship I want. This is not the future I want.' Over and over.

You owe him no justification or explanation at all. You owe him nothing.

He lies and cheats. He pays people to shag him.

Get out of there.

madbutnormal on the accounts page it shows the date and time he signed up and the date and time he cancelled. He says it's a "mistake" a "clerical error". Of course he says that.

I'm not strong, but have been cheated on before. For me lying is a non-negotiable in a life partner. It's not an emotional decision, it's a factual one.

Two guys back I found a text on the man's phone. We lived together. It was from some girl saying thanks for the other night. Didn't even mention it to him. He came home and I was gone, moved out without a word.

I do think there's always ways you can forgive people for mistakes. If he didn't have a history of this behavior (he did online sex chat and shit with the other wife) and he'd maybe met someone on a night out, got pissed and shagged -I'd maybe find a way to work on it.

In this case though...it's him going back to his old ways and it's only the beginning. It's just who he is.

He made out to me that it wasn't...that it was HER who made him that way. But it wasn't obviously. It's just who he is.

You know what, dump this creep and take some serious time out to figure out why you think you deserve to be with people who cheat.

Because no one needs people like this. And you don't deserve it.

It sounds like you do have a lot of friends and support from family.

GOOD. Tell them the truth. As a friend, as family, I would want to hear it so I could support you.

Make this about you.

Yes, it's just who he is. Yes, you're worth very much more.

You sound wonderful, istis. Really!

I loved the post where you said a light was turning on. Feels strange, doesn't it? That 'light' is proper self-knowledge, and self worth. You are wonderful and this is the time to gather good people around you. Share your feelings with them; let them support you as you need. Go well

Run!

I stayed with someone for 2/3 years beyond having all the red flags waved in my face. I was a wreck by the time I ended it. Ending it put me instantly on top of the world. It was a nice feeling, and such a relief. Luckily I didn't marry or have kids with this person, only a joint mortgage to sort out.

Can anyone advise me on what to do with your engagement ring? He wants me to keep it, but it feels strange. What will I do with it? Can't sell it, can't give it away but also don't feel like I want it hanging around. Shall I insist he takes it back?

I'd personally keep it.

Why not sell it? Maybe not straightaway but when the dust has settled a little. You could buy yourself something really fabulous (or plan a holiday) with the proceeds

Do whatever you want with it to make you feel that you have closure.

I think for closure I need to give it back. I's not mine.

put it in your jewelery box and see what you want to do in a few months/years time. it was given to you and therefore IS yours.

BUT.. if you would lose sleep with it in your possession, give it back to him.

I think i'd struggle to keep it myself too tbh.

do whatever works best for you here, you are the one that matters in all of this (((HUG)))

It is yours it was bought for you and only you. However if it makes you feel better to return it then do so. I'd have a good think.

I nearly returned mine but glad I decided against. I moved out when I discovered the lies....I eventually sold my ring and used the money as a deposit for my apartment to set myself up....

Worked out well in the end as I sold it at a great time and made some money....

How was the conversation OP?

Sorry if I seem unemotional. I'm not, but I just know what has to be done for my long term future.

I explained it to him, explained why I could not continue with the engagement or the relationship. He cried, begged, grabbed onto my legs etc.

I'm sorry if I am not coming across as having a heart. My heart is broken it really is, but I just want to marry someone I can trust who won't hurt me and would not do these things.

Good for you op. god I really hope you don't change your mind and marry him.

This is one where I'd be tempted to do a bit of sleuthing - with every intention of dumping him, but even so, I'd be curious because I don't think you're getting the full picture here. What other sites (paying or other) has he joined without you knowing? What else has he been upto? If he was truly satisfied then he wouldn't even be window-shopping let alone doing that. I'd try and get the full story from the ex wife. (I've a feeling she went off him for very good reason and that "I only cheated because she denied me" thing is creepy and vile),

About a decade ago, my ex spent inordinate amounts of time on the internet and got very secretive and defensive about whatever it was he was doing on his computer. Which made me... curious. He always had it locked down with a password, (now the present Mr Baratheon... I know all his passwords and he knows all mine, no problem). But one day he went out leaving me alone with a computer that he'd forgotten to shut right down so I didn't have to get in under the password.

I searched History and I ran a quick search for a certain file extension name that in the old AOL, would tell you every sign on name the person had ever created, even if they only used it for a split second. Well, cue pages and pages of creepy, sex related sign on names and then I found the chat logs. Presumably wanking material. He'd kept logs of all his cyber sex with total strangers (And one line that haunts me still is him telling some girl/20 stone trucker "It's better with strangers. More fun" I'm willing to bet OP's partner feels the same as I too had that guff about being the best sex he'd ever had).

And amongst the logs I found logs of him going into chat rooms and grooming teenage girls. He was careful, over and over, to have explicit chat with 15 year olds and try to arrange to meet them the week they were 16. Same MO over and over. So in his head, he was doing nothing illegal as he was only trying to actually meet up with them post 16th birthday. So far as I could see, none of them agreed to meet him, but...

One particular chat, I noticed the date and time and it was a day I had gone away for a few days, and although I was pregnant and, as it turned out, quite ill with a kidney problem, he had let me cross London on my own to get to Euston via a train and a tube, because he was too tired or some such shit. I would have been 5 minutes out of the door when he was online tugging himself off to some teen.

I had no clue he was into 16 year olds (I was older than him as was his previous, very glamorous, girlfriend). He was dumped.

Run. Run fast and far. But first of all... get the full story. Cos right now - you don't know the half of it. And it will be better for your own mental health, longterm, to know you did the right thing, incontrovertibly.

Sell the ring. It's yours. I sold either ring my sex perv ex gave me and treated myself to a break away with a friend. It was fab.

And believe me, if any one doesn't have a heart, it's someone who pays for sex, cheats and goes onto rank sites like shagaholic the second his girlfriend goes away for a few days.

Just think how much energy you will have not having to role play and shag all the time, the freedom of taking off with your friends for the weekend or a break without him and his horn along, etc etc.

You did the right thing. Very empowering.

To his slobbering tearfulness, I would simply say "tell it to the next one".
He does not deserve one molecule of empathy.

Also, as previously posted two or three times up thread, please get the STI checks done asap. Who knows what he may have exposed you to.