Sex on a first date? OK or not OK?

[SoleSource]

Yes, I'll follow my gut instinct if I meet this man I have been chatting to online for the last six months, but I feel that I might sleep with him, as I have been celibate for so long.

Is it outdated to feel that I shouldn't sleep with him as it isn't the tradiitional way to behave?

No idea really if we will want to sleep with each other after we meet in reality.

Just want you views on this please.

LDR - we are different and we should work with our differences, celebrate them and find a compromise that fits well. Rather than constantly thwarting them.

Zara8

A person who consents to have sex with someone, intending to judge them afterwards, is a very sad specimen of humanity.

^ I am not even going to respond to that comment, insulting someone online for voicing their opinion/view is just tacky, I will not go down to your level :)

Zara It's true... If you've been twitterpated, you've been twitterpated.

if you fancy each other and you both want to, then go for it.

No point faffing around

JaycesMummy what's wrong with politely declining the lady's offer? And saying "no thanks, let's get to know each other first?" And then, if you are wondering if she is seeing someon else, ask her "are you seeing anyone else right now?" . Am I being too logical and obvious for you yet?

But Tinks42... why can't we treat people like human beings who have independence of thought, seperate from their biology. Isn't that the mark of true emotional intelligence?

"Most men do quest" - where do I even begin with that? What evidence do you have of this, other than socially conditioned stereotypes? I would also like you to point these men in the direction of a few of my friends who a struggling with men who are quite shy.

So you're basically both saying that people shouldn't be true to themselves sexually, lest they're judged by someone who is unkind and judgmental..... am I right? Do you not think that is an incredibly sad position to take? By the same line of reasoning, someone might judge a person for wanting to wait a while to have sex - exact what you both seem to personally favour. They're two sides of the same coin, you know.

Good grief are there really women on this thread telling other women that they know better than them, about their personal attitude to sex?

Jesus christ

So we have a majority of people saying do what is right for you, personally I would, or not, but you're a grown up so you know do what you think best.

And then we have a couple of women who are telling women that if they enjoy casual sex they are abnormal, or not real women in some way, and refer to the act of consensual sex between two people as her "giving" it to him.

Bleeding heck.

Attitudes like these are so damaging to women and girls.

Jaycesmummy she wasn't insulting YOU. You do get that don't you? She was asking a valid question. How can you have sex with someone and then look down on them for doing the exact same thing as you just did? You really can't, unless you are very stupid and narrow minded.

(that is a general someone in that position, not YOU I am saying that about by the way although I do actually think it applies to you too)

JaycesMummy... You do have your opinion and I can understand where you're coming from. I personally don't stand for attacking another poster, we all have our views and are entitled to them without prejudice {holds JacesMummys hand}

tinks - how are we different?

I believe we are, I'm just not clear how it relates to sex!

Difficult. I have and then regretted it because I then felt emotionally attached and they weren't. Maybe they would have been sexist commitment phone wankers anyway, I don't know. I think some men have huge double standards about this , in that it's ok for them to do so but not for women. But... You haven't actually met
This guy for real? I would wait, get to know him and if you just want a shag, go for it. If you want more and you think he's worth it, get to know him and make him wait ( one day will take my own advice..:) )

Errr JaycesMummy but that's not an unreasonable thing to say.

In this situation:

Person A: "Would you like to have sex?"
Person B: "Yes"
Person B (thinks): "This person has no respect for themselves. But I will have sex with them anyway, hooray for me! What a fool Person A is!"

Is it not obvious that Person B is being very unkind and disrespectful themselves? Do we want to tolerate or encourage that way of thinking, in a (hopefully) progressive society.

Compare with:

Person A: "Would you like to have sex?"
Person B: "I think you're really attractive, but I don't feel comfortable having sex so soon after meeting someone. I prefer to wait."

am I missing something here?

• commitment phobe ( stupid auto correct!)

I'm kinda confused how my post saying, basically, that women shouldn't change themselves to fit with what they imagine men wants, has been read as 'thwarting' desire.

Surely if you fancy sex, and you're of age and able to have safe sex, the only issue is emotional health? Not having sex because you worry you'll be judged for enjoying it seems to me pretty unhealthy.

She hasn't been "attacked" tinks.

Zara, of course we would like that but its not the way of the world is it? If you can shag and not feel anything then ok. I personally cant as I associate sex with love and to be fair its what we are trying to teach the boys? so what happens there then?

Tinks42 Thanks

Cross post - I do think scarlet has a really important point, that if you are investing a lot emotionally, it is sometimes sensible to say no.

And what if it was a regular thing for her? Would you continue to judge?? Something tells me you might....

Having sex with someone is the closest you can ever get to a person, I always ask myself why would you let someone you hardly know or have just met get that close to you.

Tinks42 have you ever heard the phrase "Be the change you want to see in the world"?

Of course tell your son how you feel about sex - that for you it's about love, that you couldn't have sex without having feelings for someone first. But surely you would also tell him that everybody is different, and some people might take a more detached view to sex/simply view it differently. And whichever way he wants to think about it, is fine. Be kind and don't judge other people. And have sex when HE feels comfortable with it, be true to himself. But don't judge people for having different attitudes to sex. I think it's very simple?

Tinks, your posts have confused me a little. When you say "it's not the way of the world", are you talking about your belief that men and women are fundamentally different regarding sex, emotions, relationships etc, or are you talking about the way society is structured ie not an innate difference but a learned one?

jay, I respect that it feels that way for you. And that's fair enough.

Personally, there are many other ways I feel closer to someone. For me, talking is much more intimate.

You would obviously not want to have sex with someone you don't know well, but surely you can see that for someone who doesn't feel sex is the only way to be that close, it might be more to do with fun and less serious?

Mama If a RL friend was sleeping with people on the first date and having casual sex with people, I would have a word with them like I have done in the past.

SoleSource - you have gone very quiet, what do you think of all the replies?