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Original poster

Sex on a first date? OK or not OK?

725 replies

SoleSource · 10/06/2014 18:53

Yes, I'll follow my gut instinct if I meet this man I have been chatting to online for the last six months, but I feel that I might sleep with him, as I have been celibate for so long.

Is it outdated to feel that I shouldn't sleep with him as it isn't the tradiitional way to behave?

No idea really if we will want to sleep with each other after we meet in reality.

Just want you views on this please.

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 10/06/2014 21:37

Its a bit of both I guess Lovesardines? Its never all of one or the other? I, at 52 get confused so you aren't alone in that. We all judge and try damn hard not to.

NickiFury · 10/06/2014 21:38

What was the response you got Jayce? because personally I would tell you to piss off and mind your own business.

MerryMarigold · 10/06/2014 21:39

I think sex is very bonding and intimate, even if you have known someone for a couple of hours. I think it's actually harder to spot a wanker after sex, because you will be more emotionally invested.

Maisie0 · 10/06/2014 21:39

It's a mating dance. You're supposed to dance to the same tune. Sometimes you can be on the same wavelength asap as the other person and you dance to the same steps already.. Other times, you need to take a step back before understanding the pattern and dance again together. Otherwise for some others, they have a particular way to dance and you won't ever get them. That is okay, you need to move along if that was the case.

It's supposed to be fun to figure out if they dance to the same tune that you do too. Smile Part of the joy to find out.

Milos says it best. "Maybe maybe maybe" cos I don't know yet, and why would you so soon?

We live in such a fast-paced modern society, just that sometimes we do forget to dance. It's dancin' ! Wink

Scarletohello · 10/06/2014 21:39

The book ' Why men love bitched' has a very interesting take on this. A fascinating analogy about a dead moose. Can't do it justice here but if you feel you are the sort if woman who is 'too nice' and keeps getting fucked over by guys, I highly reccomend it...

Zara8 · 10/06/2014 21:40

JaycesMummy because that's how you feel about sex. It wouldn't be right for you to have sex with someone you don't know very well. There's nothing wrong with that at all! But it's not ok to judge people who views things differently.

Here's an example, from the other side of things, to clarify what I'm trying to say. Let's say my DH and I hadn't jumped into the sack the same night we met. I was very much a willing particpant there who suggested that we had sex! If he had said "I'd really prefer to wait until I got to know you better" I'd of course respect that it was his point of view/what he was comfortable with. And I thought he was quite cool anyway so I would've gone on some dates with him etc. I wouldn't judge him for wanting to get to know me better ie following his gut (I'd be disappointed I didn't get a shag, but oh well, that's the way things go sometimes). And I would be really REALLY disgusted if he thought less of me for suggesting we had sex. In fact I am certain that this would not be someone who would've ended up as my DH!

Or an even more clear example:
If a beautiful lesbian came up to me one night in a bar and suggested we head back to her place, I would politely decline. Because I'm straight. Because I prefer to have sex with people who have penises. I wouldn't have sex with her and then judge her for being a lesbian!

Tinks42 · 10/06/2014 21:40

I know where youre coming from JacesMummy, you would be asking them whether they are doing it for the right reasons, there are very few women that have that, shall we call it "male gene" that can do that. Women 9 times out of 10 get hurt.... its a fact.

Maisie0 · 10/06/2014 21:41

I think that even if the OP had some feelings for this poor guy, we've killed it for her now. Blush

fuckinglondonballs · 10/06/2014 21:42

I find people who can't spot a wanker after sex or can't leave them 'because the sex is sooooo good!' are generally just a bit thick or have quite serious emotional problems. One or t'other.

I boned DP on our first date. Married him. All good here

Tinks42 · 10/06/2014 21:42

it all boils down to testosterone or estrogen. That may sound funny but its true...

JaycesMummy · 10/06/2014 21:44

NickiFury I'll ignore the last part :) one of them told me that they just do it because they're lonely and it's the only way they feel wanted, another one said they can't help it.

Maisie0 · 10/06/2014 21:44

Tink What ? But that is the thing, women can have that "male gene", and they do exist, it's called the "divine feminine". It is a part of our nature, and we have to waken this in order to tell the other partner what we are about. That is when girls turn into women. That's right, women. Not girls. We all have sex appeal, and we should be able to turn it on or off, when we want to. i.e. towards a guy that we like ! Don't hide it away and shy away from it...

fuckinglondonballs · 10/06/2014 21:44

Exactly Tinks.

You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals so let's do it like they do on the Discovery channel.

Wise words, Bloodhound Gang.

Zara8 · 10/06/2014 21:45

oooook so I just saw your next post. JaycesMummy that's a really horrible thing to say to your "friends". I hope they told you to mind your own business. Because you should.

Thinks "Women 9 times out of 10 get hurt... its a fact" - can you please link me to the peer-viewed research that is proof for this statement? No? Righto.... my scientist DH would have a field day with that kind of line. It's not a fact if you can't prove it. Which you can't. The replies on this thread, expressing different points of view, should show you that....

Oh but men are men and women are women and it'll never change, I know, I know.... Hmm

Vijac · 10/06/2014 21:45

I think you should go with the flow. I probably would have sex on a first date, definitely second or third. However, for some reason I feel that I may be less likely to do it if we've been chatting for 6 months before the first date than if we just met the night before. Not really sure why, maybe it all just seems a bit arranged rather than impromptu. Hope you have a fab date!

melissa83 · 10/06/2014 21:45

Cause a woman cant possible do it because they enjoy sex then? Does this link it with you saying gave it to a man? I take it you dont often enjoy sex then

DianaTrent · 10/06/2014 21:46

I am struggling to believe there are still women out there who not only expect execrable, misogynistic hypocrisy from a sexual partner, but also seem to agree with it. How depressing. Have fun, Sole and just do what you want at the time without paying the slightest bit of attention to what anyone else might think.

SolidGoldBrass · 10/06/2014 21:48

What appears to be missing from this discussion is any concept at all of the woman making the choice to reject the man after sex. It's as though sex is something she gives to him in order for him to assess her worth, and then waits passively to see if she has won the prize of A Relationship by picking the right time to allow him to put his dick in her.

I don't think there is anything wrong with any individual preferring to get to know a potential sexual partner before actually having sex - everyone is entitled to act according to their own boundaries and comfort zones. Though if you are one of those who likes to 'take things slowly' you shouldn't piss and moan when other people decide to move on from you. And if you are playing the Make Him Wait game and the other person calls you on manipulative behaviour then it might serve you right.

But sometimes, a woman and a man have sex and the man turns out to be rubbish in bed and the woman goes right off him. SO it's best to find that out sooner or later.

(By 'rubbish in bed' I don't mean just a bit inexperienced, but clumsy, tedious and narrow-minded and absolutely determined not to change or listen to anything you say)

Tinks42 · 10/06/2014 21:49

Blimey, is that why youre called Fuckinglondonballs? ok... then im sure youre the dominant one in that relationship then. I really don't understand why women cant be just that these days? and to be honest I personally wouldn't want a metro man Grin that sort of lets me dominate him... very yuck...for me that is.

LoveSardines · 10/06/2014 21:49

But but but

Men aren't all penis-led hunter thrill-of-the-chase neanderthals who buy into the virgin/whore dichotomy

and women aren't all caring nurturing types who need an emotional connection before sex

This stuff gets on my nerves so much.

Some men are romantic emotional types who don't want casual sex they want meaningful encounters in the context of a loving and hopefully long term relationship

and some women are lusty live-in-the-moment types who are more than happy to have an enjoyable shag with someone they find a mutual attraction with

Where is the room in this for personality, individuality, different approaches at different times of life and all the rest of it.

NickiFury · 10/06/2014 21:51

Well I would have said "because I like it and he was hot, now what?".

I am not altogether believing your posts tbh jayce, its almost as though you are wheeling out cliché after cliché to get a reaction.

Scarletohello · 10/06/2014 21:51

Oxytocin. Just sayin.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 10/06/2014 21:51

YY, agree with that SBG. The whole debate is (creepily) assuming women have to hold out until such a time as they're sure they like the bloke.

It is fine to decide you don't like him. Before or after sex, whenever it happens.

Zara8 · 10/06/2014 21:52

What Solid Gold and LovesSardines said

Tinks42 · 10/06/2014 21:53

Ah but all that considered, lets get back to the OP? She asked a question and was debating whether she should sleep with him. If the OP had to ask that question then I would say...

No, you are emotionally invested here and wait a bit for yourself. If he leaves you after saying no for a few more dates without you having sex then he wasn't worth it and you have your self esteem still in tact.

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