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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex on a first date? OK or not OK?

725 replies

SoleSource · 10/06/2014 18:53

Yes, I'll follow my gut instinct if I meet this man I have been chatting to online for the last six months, but I feel that I might sleep with him, as I have been celibate for so long.

Is it outdated to feel that I shouldn't sleep with him as it isn't the tradiitional way to behave?

No idea really if we will want to sleep with each other after we meet in reality.

Just want you views on this please.

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 13/06/2014 22:33

first date always cuts the wheat from the chaff of course. have sex with him to find out what hes really about, if he doesn't come back then hes an arsehole.

Tinks42 · 13/06/2014 22:34

that will be my mantra in future.

going to hide this thread now due to shaking my head so much it may fall off.

avianaz · 13/06/2014 22:38

I missed some comments... actually don't think you are being supportive in a misplaced kind of way anymore Tinks... :S There is venom there.

There is obviously some reason you're holding on to these views as strong as you do, you'd really benefit from learning Transactional analysis - there's a name for what you are doing. Hope you see this before you hide it.

neiljames77 · 13/06/2014 22:39

I think agreeing with the general consensus is why the accusation was made. After all, a REAL man wouldn't post on a largely female website.
Couldn't give a shit to be honest, I have 2 teenage daughters and this place has been a source of priceless guidance and information. I'm not and never have been a parent who has trotted out 1950's style bullshit to either of them. They have grown up to be a credit to me and their mother.

LoisPuddingLane · 13/06/2014 22:39

I have slept with men and women on countless occasions on a first date. Actually so many that I can't remember. Does this make me less valuable, or less valued? No. I chose them all. Nothing was against my will, or in the hope of something else. Not all of them were great experiences - it doesn't matter. Some of them went on to be relationships, some not. Doesn't matter. I chose what and who went on in my body.

And as quite a mature lady now, I love that I can still do this. There is bound to come a time when people will just see a nice older lady and ignore me. Until that time I'm going to do exactly what my body wants, provided nobody gets hurt in the process. Because it feels like being (literally) at the source of life itself. And touching people is wonderful.

LoisPuddingLane · 13/06/2014 22:42

Actually some were in the hope of something else, if I'm honest. But quite a lot weren't.

Tinks42 · 13/06/2014 22:46

thank you avianaz. I didn't come on to this post to demean anyone. I just know how damn rough it is out there for women. I didn't envisage the amount of anger and frustration there is.

avianaz · 13/06/2014 22:54

It's fine, my mother could have written a lot of what you wrote. But she isn't part of a forum where people talk about this stuff, nor is she in any way open minded - she just can't change her opinion!

Can you see that you're holding on to this attitude somewhat blindly, I say somewhat because you'll see the evidence you want to see - but have you really thought about why it's so strongly embedded in you?

I can, and I guess everyone here, gets where you're coming from. That damaging attitude where women always want love, men want sex, etc does happen. It's just an attitude though, not human nature. You're trying to protect the vulnerable women who buy into this mindset by accepting it, but in doing so you perpetuate it. x

Original poster
SoleSource · 13/06/2014 22:59

My Mother feels the same as Tinks, hence my starting this thread, I need to have more sex as I'm 40 and will be ignored when I'm old and wrinkly.

OP posts:
DianaTrent · 13/06/2014 22:59

Tinks you are coming across, to me at least, as implying that a woman is inherently degraded and devalued like some commodity by sex in a way that men are not, and will gain self esteem by avoiding it, not that a woman should have the self esteem to only have the sex she really wants. Perhaps that is not your intention, but that is, in my opinion, what people are reacting so strongly to.

LoisPuddingLane · 13/06/2014 23:00

Yup.

SolidGoldBrass · 13/06/2014 23:01

It's not, actually, a wicked or malicious thing to do if you have sex with someone and decide that you don't want to pursue a relationship with him/her. No one owes anyone else a relationship - or sex. It's fine to refuse either. Irrespective of gender person A might decide, after the first sexual encounter, that person B is boring, overly clingy, peculiar or just plain rubbish in bed, and decide to move on. It's not a big deal. But the idea that only men get to choose whether to continue any kind of relationship once they have had sex is what is harmful, and that the only grounds on which men base such a decision is how little sexual appetite the woman has eg if she doesn't much like sex, the man will think this is praiseworthy and that it's a good thing for him to keep on shoving his dick in a woman who actually isn't very keen on the idea.

Tinks42 · 13/06/2014 23:03

You are right avianaz I grew up in that world. I don't really see much evidence that's its changed though which worries the heck out of me.

MostWicked · 13/06/2014 23:07

Im laughing so much here... Are you for real Wicked!

Very. Did you have a point to make or did you just realise how wrong you are?

ReallyFuckingFedUp · 13/06/2014 23:11

How is it meant to change tinks if adults don't teach them differently?

avianaz · 13/06/2014 23:13

There is a lot of evidence Tinks you might just be turning your nose up at it, like you reject it here.

How about instead of telling your upset friends to keep their knickers on, tell them a lot of the things said in this thread! Tell them some men have that attitude and to avoid that! :) They'll feel much better when they have support and not shame surrounding them. They will be hurt by bastards whether or not they have sex.

Definitely learn about transactional analysis! I suspect this attitude bleeds in to other aspects of your life... as in you hold on to and never re evaluate values and attitudes you learned from authority figures growing up. As we grow up that category of information we take in is stored and referred to as "parent". Some people have a very strong parent, I suspect you do. It's also the reason for some peoples racism, other intolerance.

The part that looks at everything we have learned and questions it, independently thinks - that's the Adult. The goal is to have a strong adult, with healthy amounts of Parent and Child. :) x

avianaz · 13/06/2014 23:19

ReallyFuckingFedUp makes a class point, you're in an excellent position to promote a healthier attitude to sex. You could be a part of the change.

neiljames77 · 13/06/2014 23:20

Ok. In some respects, I can see where Tinks is coming from. When I was first starting out with sexual encounters, I thought girls were "letting" me do things with them so I wouldn't finish with them. I didn't realise that they were actually enjoying it because that's how I was conditioned to think.
Maybe we should look at the way countries like Norway, Holland etc approach these things. It seems a lot more grown up and forward thinking.

Tinks42 · 13/06/2014 23:31

ok, as in being brought up by my father rather than my mother? Is this the place to do this though... its not my thread. You have actually made me want to rethink but I don't know how. thank you avianaz and thank you neil for being so kind.

May I still say that I don't think Sole should go there?

Original poster
SoleSource · 13/06/2014 23:43

We have just spoken on the phone, talk the hind legs of a donkey Hmm jeez

OP posts:
neiljames77 · 13/06/2014 23:47

If I accept your graciousness, do you promise not to have another pop at me? Grin

It does fit into place though if your father brought you up. He'll see you as his little girl and want to protect you from harm in all it's manifestations, even if it's (somewhat understandably) misguided.

Of course you shouldn't virtually ask for permission to express an opinion on whether Sole should drive over to meet Mr Huge Knackers.
I just think that if she's absolutely frothing for it, she should go and fucking enjoy it!!!

Original poster
SoleSource · 13/06/2014 23:50

He wants to come here BUT I DON'T WANT TO STAY IN BORING BIRMINGHAM ANOTHER NIGHT.

Tinks - my DS is blind and Autistic, I am his full time Carer, we hardly go out or do much, i neeed fresh air and a change of scenery.

OP posts:
neiljames77 · 13/06/2014 23:57

SoulSource - It'll be a treat for you on all fronts. A change of scenery and a bit of raw, rampant sex. What's not to like?

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun · 13/06/2014 23:58

Solesource, just be careful. Please dont throw caution to the wind and get yourself into a situation that may bring upset into your life.

Original poster
SoleSource · 14/06/2014 00:09

Thank you for your genuine concern for me Granny x

We;ll met at 12pm and sped around twelve hours together before any sex. If that happens. He seems lovely so far... but I had enough disappointment and heartbreak to not hope for much more than one day at a time.

OP posts: