Thinking of ending things with DP, because of other people's prejudice. Really need help.

[unbelievablyconfused]

Hi

In a relationship with a woman (am a woman) and we've been together for a few years now.

Overall, I'm very happy with her. In the beginning, although it was a new world to me, as I'd always identified as straight, I was very confident and proud of our relationship. When we got looks or nasty comments, I genuinely didn't give a toss. I was/am too loved up.

As time goes on though, I'm finding it harder to deal with. The comments aren't constant, but we couldn't go out and hold hands without getting a lot of stares at the very least. It shouldn't bother me, but it does. I'm really ashamed to admit this.

She's perfect on so many levels. I love her so much and I can't actually believe that I'm considering bailing because of what others think and say.

I have a daughter, who's still in primary school and I really worry that she will be teased as well. I feel so much responsibility to keep her safe from bullies and I feel like I'm kind of fueling the fire by being in a same sex, albeit loving, relationship.

Due to several circumstances, we're supposed to be moving within the next month or so, but I'm getting cold feet. One reason is to actually get away from the bigots and move to a much more liberal and diverse area.

I don't want to leave her, but I find myself fantasising about a time when I didn't have to worry about what others thought and I could just go out and hold my ex's DP's hand because I was in a straight relationship. Nobody would judge me, or whisper and point. Although I have never been in love like this, life was easier.

Me and DP have even had to deal with phsycial abuse over our relationship. Usually it's just staring, tutting and things like that. Lost a few friends over it too. It certainly showed me who my friends actually were.

I know people will probably tell me that I should just hold my head up high and be proud, but it's so so hard and the pressure I feel right now to make the right decision is immense. This is, by far, the hardest decision I will ever have to make, because it's not just my future, it's my daughter's and she is the most important person in my life.

DP can't relate and thinks I'm massively over thinking this. I haven't told her that I'm actually considering leaving, but I've told her how hard I find it sometimes and how those feelings are gradually increasing.

Because we're supposed to be moving very soon, which means changing school too, I can almost hear the clock counting down, until I make my final decision. I feel sick with worry most days.

I honestly do feel like I'm heading for a breakdown. How do I stop caring about what others think?

Any advice? I'm so incredibly stuck.

TIA

I'm wondering whether there may be other reasons here? But that perhaps it's easier to put the blame on these tangible problems of prejudice?

if you were really sure that you loved her and that you wanted to spend the rest of your lives together I don't think you would be feeling like this.

Are you doubting your own sexuality perhaps? If you were married and had a daughter presumably you were happy being 'straight' for some time.

maybe write down a list of questions like the ones above. Leave them overnight and then come back and answer them honestly.

Hiya, so sorry to hear what's been happening and how it's been impacting you. I wonder whether living in a more liberal area might ease the problem to a great extent?

Otherwise I can only relate on a certain level. I am experienced in a certain thing in life whereby most other people are not - have been thro all sorts in terms of comments etc - I now help other people in the same boat and sooner or later they all come up against an issue like yours - the general incompetence and rudeness of wider society, and comments, judgments and so on.

They only advice I am ever able to give is that yes, it will separate you from most of mainstream society and yes it means that your frame of reference is wider and broader. But you can't change it. You have to find a way to deal and in time, ten to one your friends and associates all know and there are very few comments made by other people that upset you.

What made you go into this relationship to begin with ? Are you straight or bisexual or ?...

It is true to say that sometimes we do need to filter out the external world to save our sanity. But in terms of a relationship with somebody, if this was the right person, then we should feel joyful and full of love, and this should indeed fend off any actual criticisms and so forth.

Do you love your partner ? Are you sure that it is not a case of external world triggering something inside your own heart here ?

My advice is to explore the idea of not being together and genuinely explore how you feel inside. Because at the end of the day, it is your own happiness which is at stake than any one else's judgments.

It's not easy to stop caring what others think but it seems to be very harsh, not to say unfair, to punish your partner and yourself for other people's prejudices. Do you live in some back-wood area that you get this rather outdated reaction? Is that the sole reason for you wanting to end the relationship? Or are there other problems in the relationship that you're not admitting to which you feel are not worth the difficulties?

Are you really comfortable about your sexuality? Because while being upset about prejudice is one thing and is entirely natural, getting to a poit where you want to end your relationship over it is quite another.

Presumably you were in a heterosexual relationship once given you have a dd, and have also made a comparison between the two in your op.

Also can I ask (and this is not to judge) but did you leave your dp to be with this woman? Because if so could you be feeling under more pressure to make it work given the devastation that coming out and entering into a relationship with another woman might have left behind....?

It sounds as though the abuse and discrimination you have suffered and are suffering is causing you enormous anxiety. And the move, although this will ostensibly help, is contributing to your sense of being overwhelmed and anxious. Is that a fair assessment?

You cannot make a decision about your relationship and perhaps about the move while you feel this way. Everything you try to figure out at the moment has to be about getting your stress and anxiety under control - forget the bigger questions. These are likely to be practical, rather than emotional changes. So, is there anything that occurs to you that would help? a total break of some kind - can you go away for a couple of days, with or without DD? is there something that you find restful and restorative that you can do? is work an added pressure - if so, can you take a couple of days off? do you think calling a listening service like the Samaritans would help, and/or seeking counselling?

I think location is SUCH a huge issue here. I live in the Netherlands for example, and at least in our neighbourhood I can think of two same-sex couples with children (without even having to think too hard). I appreciate that things are not that simple, and of course you shouldn't have to move because of other people, but I would seriously suggest that you look into moving somewhere where sexuality is less of an issue. While there is certainly discrimination here - against all groups - being in a same-sex relationship here is barely comment-worthy. I don't want to oversimplify what is a very complex and unfair issue, but seriously, in Amsterdam nobody would look at you twice. Unless they perhaps liked the dresses you were wearing and were wondering where you got them.

I'm sorry the world is like this . It's not your fault that you don't like people being mean to you or gossiping about you. I'm straight and I don't like it either!

For a person truly in love, a stranger's disapproval or prejudice would be meaningless.

sorry, that was rather a barrage of questions!

OP, it sounds as though you are in a horrible situation. You miss the "privilege" of being heterosexual, but if you split from your DP will you miss the privilege of being with the person you love? You may want to consider Counselling so you can explore your sexuality, relationship and living in a prejudiced world before making any decision you may come to regret.

Thanks for the replies

Maisie, I would probably identify as bisexual. Having said that, I would never ever thought I would actually be in a relationship with a woman. Just assumed I found some women attractive. As time goes on, I'm wondering if maybe I'm more sexually compatible with a woman, but on other levels, I'm more compatible with a man. That could simply be because I didn't get any negative reactions when I was with a man and so it was just an easier life. The only thing I really miss from being with a man, is feeling safe. I know that may be a controversial thing to say, but my ex bf's have always been the big and tough types and I always felt incredibly safe. God, does that make me sound pathetic?

I love her very much, yes. When we're with friends or family, I'm very affectionate and open. It really is only a problem when we're around people we don't know. Obviously, that situation presents itself a lot though.

The bottom line is, I am in love with her and if we lived in a more tolerant world, I really don't think I would be thinking this at all.

Cog, I wouldn't say back-wood but I would certainly say outdated and conservative.

If it were just me and DP, I don't think it would bother me anywhere near as much as it does. As I said, I also feel a lot of pressure to get it right for my daughter.

When you wrote that you feel like nearing a breakdown, you do realise that you are going through an identity crisis here ? What we learnt about the world and how it is, is taught to us, and some of it has indeed embedded inside of us, but some has not. If we now put in new information as we get older, you will feel quite a deep turmoil inside of your heart.

I have not questioned my sexuality, but I do know that I had to deal with this kind of identity issue when I was growing up because I am an ethnic minority in the UK. When I go back to my mom's hometown abroad, I get criticised and rejected too. Because I am not from that city. I came to reconcile this aspect of myself by joining some groups with other individuals that identified with me. We now feel more connected, and I do feel more grounded too.

You have to genuinely ask whether you are indeed a bisexual or not. Couple this with motherhood, and the feelings that you have to be protective of your daughter. And the other thing is, what your relationship is, and why you saw your partner as a sexual partner and not just a GF like most women do. Because in a way, now that you have chosen to be with a woman, you will be seen externally by the world as a bisexual woman. And the other thing is, why a bisexual woman, and not a homosexual woman ? You got to reconcile this for yourself too. That is, synchronising your heart with your mind.

Sometimes you read people use those terms "wearing my mother hat", or "wearing my teacher hat". They are associating themselves for that moment to be playing that role. If you feel internal conflict, then it really means that a part of you inside of your heart does not recognise the role that you are trying to play here.

When you wrote that this is a whole new world to you, well, this is "the" world now that you are seeing and it is happening around you. You just got to make decisions which sit well with yourself to be honest.

I also recommend a book too. It's called "Please understand me 2". It is an American book, but it is all about personality types. Some personalities are very emotive, and others not as much so. I am one of these type that is emotive, and I attract gazillion bisexuals for some reason on online dating. (The first time I received one of these response, I felt horrified. I questioned my profile, and then I questioned why they responded to me too. I also felt very negative inside my heart ? I then knew that I know I am not a bisexual. Because their action and their desire to be with me actually made me feel a certain way inside myself, so I know that it is not meant to be.) But I was raised in a more empathetic environment (within the UK), and I never had to deal with this kind of issue. That is, lots of girls, lots of fighting, but needing to share, caring, and emotionally relate. So I block these individuals from my life. Because I identify as a non-bisexual. So this may be a journey that you need to explore for yourself.

Sorry, cross posted.

Wannabe, you're bang on.

rooty, I have a lot of anxiety and what you've said is a fair assessment, yes. I will be going to my gp soon, with regards to getting some help. We can't really get away right now. We just came back from a mini break, which should have been lovely, but I manged to ruin some of it because of my paranoia.

Bitter, I can't agree with that, because I am truely in love and I am bothered by bigots. I don't think that's a fair comment. There are grey areas afterall. Not everything is black and white.

I wonder how many of the people on here saying if you were in love everything else would be meaningless are actually gay? Because some gay people do go back to hetero relationships for an easier life. I'm straight and one of the lucky things about being straight si that I don't have to worry about hassle on a day to day basis. Maybe some of you don't experience it either so can't empathize with what it might be like for the OP?

The same way some interracial relationships end up failing due to other's prejudices.

OP I think you owe it to yourself and your friend to at least risk the move. This migth be all you need to feel OK again.

Wish you lots of luck.

here OP you might find this thread interesting?

If in doubt don't.

Is there a link here between feeling intimidated by this abuse and the loss of the safe feeling you had with male partners, perhaps? Are you an anxious person?

So who are the really important people in your life? Presumably your dd, DP and other family and friends? But you are considering leaving your DP because of random strangers? What is really important for your daughter, that she is loved and supported or that shes in a more traditional family.

All families have pressures and DP and I (straight relationship, one dd if that matters!) often remind ourselves to consider what is best for our family.

Paradox, yes I think there is a link and yes, I'm an anxious person.

Is this your first rebound relationship ?

I have no advice except to say that I live in a very, very remote, conservative (small c) part of the UK. One of my DD's friends has a Mum in a (recent) same sex relationship. This has caused no problems at all. I think things have changed, although clearly not enough.

Is there an organisation that might offer counselling for you? That might allow you to explore your feelings and disentangle things.

move to Hebden Bridge
full of lesbians
xxx

Maisie, I wouldn't describe it as a rebound relationship. I left my ex for my dp, but we weren't right for one another at all. That's not to say there isn't love there. Would like to clear up that I wasn't having an affair. I developed feelings for her whilst I was with my ex and I should have ended things with my ex and long time before then. I didn't take things further with my girlfriend until after I split from my ex.

Maisie shouldn't be allowed to give 'advice'
Really feel for you OP
If it helps, after my parents split, my mum got into a relationship with another woman. we all lived together in a house in a very 'backwater' part of the country. This was for my primary school years.
We understood that this was not the 'norm' but did not care one jot. I have always been proud of my unconventional upbringing, and it's surprising how little people really do care. It sounds like you've been incredibly unfortunate and that the move could do you the world of good.
I wish you the best of luck

I live in London where things are extremely tolerant. However, many of my gay friends still face prejudice and verbal and occasionally physical abuse. Things have changed massively but prejudice is still out there without doubt. Anything that strays from the 'norm' is liable to be attacked. Perhaps it's how society is 'controlled'. It really wasn't very long ago that it would have been deemed the worse crime ever to have a child outside marriage or have a relationship with a person with a different colour skin. These relationships are much more the norm now and people have come, generally, to accept them.
You need to sit down with your gf and honestly discuss if you are strong enough as a couple to face the world and all that it is going to throw at you.
Yes your daughter may come across some teasing and some people will find it a bit weird that she has 2 mummies but if those 2 mummies are strong, proud of who they are and their relationship then this will give her the strength to face so many hurdles that are going to arise in life.
Only you know how you truly feel. You need some honest soul searching and honest discussions with your gf.