Thinking of ending things with DP, because of other people's prejudice. Really need help.

[unbelievablyconfused]

Hi

In a relationship with a woman (am a woman) and we've been together for a few years now.

Overall, I'm very happy with her. In the beginning, although it was a new world to me, as I'd always identified as straight, I was very confident and proud of our relationship. When we got looks or nasty comments, I genuinely didn't give a toss. I was/am too loved up.

As time goes on though, I'm finding it harder to deal with. The comments aren't constant, but we couldn't go out and hold hands without getting a lot of stares at the very least. It shouldn't bother me, but it does. I'm really ashamed to admit this.

She's perfect on so many levels. I love her so much and I can't actually believe that I'm considering bailing because of what others think and say.

I have a daughter, who's still in primary school and I really worry that she will be teased as well. I feel so much responsibility to keep her safe from bullies and I feel like I'm kind of fueling the fire by being in a same sex, albeit loving, relationship.

Due to several circumstances, we're supposed to be moving within the next month or so, but I'm getting cold feet. One reason is to actually get away from the bigots and move to a much more liberal and diverse area.

I don't want to leave her, but I find myself fantasising about a time when I didn't have to worry about what others thought and I could just go out and hold my ex's DP's hand because I was in a straight relationship. Nobody would judge me, or whisper and point. Although I have never been in love like this, life was easier.

Me and DP have even had to deal with phsycial abuse over our relationship. Usually it's just staring, tutting and things like that. Lost a few friends over it too. It certainly showed me who my friends actually were.

I know people will probably tell me that I should just hold my head up high and be proud, but it's so so hard and the pressure I feel right now to make the right decision is immense. This is, by far, the hardest decision I will ever have to make, because it's not just my future, it's my daughter's and she is the most important person in my life.

DP can't relate and thinks I'm massively over thinking this. I haven't told her that I'm actually considering leaving, but I've told her how hard I find it sometimes and how those feelings are gradually increasing.

Because we're supposed to be moving very soon, which means changing school too, I can almost hear the clock counting down, until I make my final decision. I feel sick with worry most days.

I honestly do feel like I'm heading for a breakdown. How do I stop caring about what others think?

Any advice? I'm so incredibly stuck.

TIA

I cannot judge you by anything other than what you have posted here! If by extending yourself and trying to see things impartially you are playing devils advocate I am glad that is the case, because the views expressed are not ones that are pleasant and I don't believe they withstand analysis.

If she is questioning anything I would suggest she questions both her own identity and how it is influenced by the external environment. Not each in isolation, there is no point as they are intrinsically linked (particularly this kind of topic).

The old "I disagree therefore I must be a hater" trick is often used as get out clause for those who do not like their views being critically analysed. But if yo wish to leave the subject, that is your perogative.

She doesn't need luck, she needs understanding and not to be judged by he bigots who have been judging her.

I would just like to add that my experience is similar to that of Arsebadger. My parents split up when I was six and a year later my mum got together with my stepmother. I lived in Northern Ireland, which was not exactly a haven of liberal social views in the 1980s, but the only prejudice I experience came from one deeply unpleasant primary school teacher. No-one else cared. I was quote withdrawn after my parents divorce and as a result I was bullied a bit at primary school. The bullies teased me because I couldn't run very fast and had the wrong sort of shoes.

I feel that I am incredibly lucky to have had the upbringing I did. I grew up knowing that it didn't matter whether I feel in love with a man or a woman when I grew up and I experienced a household where tasks weren't divided up by gender. There are several studies showing that children raised by female couples have the best outcomes of all family structures.

maisie I don't disagree completely with you but it has nothing to do with race or sexuality.
Difference of opinions are just much more likely to happen in interCULTURAL relationships rather than when you stay in the same culture because well ... You are more likely to have different pov. That's the weakness and the strength of these relationships.
One can ponder if this is also the case between heterosexual and homosexual relationships but tbh I doubt it.

The thing is ignorance and being bullied can happen to anyone and for any one reason. From being 'a nerd' to your parents not having the right type if car or doing the wrong job. I, for example, have to fight my corner re my job because my own children are devaluating it, telling me it's weird, all that because it's a bit unusual and it's easier for them to adopt their friends stance than to stick out for me (not that I ask them to btw).
The fear of belting is NOT enough to decide to terminate a living relationship.

And yes there is something up say about exploring that fear and coming to terms with the fact that the OP has become an outsider. I know, I am one if those, esp where I live.
And coming to term that you will find homophobia around you that WILL make you more fearful.

What I am more surprised about is the fact her partner doesn't want to talk about these fears with her. It might be because the OP is making them bigger than they sound or because her partner doesn't want to know as it would mean facing her own fears. Who knows?

Maisie I see your question and have typed out several responses but words fail me. I'm choosing not to engage with you any more. You have dominated this thread and I think that is a terrible shame.

OP: stonewall have done some research looking at the experiences of children with gay or lesbian parents. You might find it useful (and reassuring) in thinking about your daughter.

I asked her what is her orientation and then she named it as "bisexual" and not "homosexual". Please read ! It was a choice to go from a heterosexual relationship and then onto a homosexual relationship. This is a fact

Ah! I apologise, I misunderstood then.

I thought you were saying that people had a choice over their sexuality/who they were attracted to.

Maisie perhaps you need your own thread to discuss the whys and wherefores of being gay.

OP needs support here to help her become more resilient to homophobic bullying. She has nowhere stated that her relationship is bad,she loves her partner deeply. The relationship is not an issue.

Keepithidden Nobody likes to be painted as the baddie as you know. Because why should they indeed put themselves on the line to be slated this way for even caring ? I do not often get too involved in various other topics such as the parenting and so forth or on topics that I am not experienced in. But this one, I am. To know and to understand what identity means and how prejudices can exist in this world. I am just surprised that the OP did not know or came to know or to understand. Maybe this is the beginning stage of her own journey but to me, I already know, and yes, each homosexual person also have a different journey too. Just because I did not side with her feelings asap does not mean that I had no clue of what I am on about nor should it mean that my judgments or opinions should be heavily stomped on. Because to me, it seems like some people have a lack of depth on some of the topics that they are on about. Yes, the relationship section is more often than not about emotional validation and support, but it can also be about questioning and deriving at an answer as well. I was hoping by talking that the OP gets closer to her own answer to make the right choice for herself.

I do not get this "calling out" business. I'm sorry, but by now, I would expect that women can indeed talk peer to peer without criticising one another for doing so. I certainly now know where LRD or where Arsebadger get their chips from. Definitely.

Because people are being mean, that is why I am saying that I am leaving even though I think the OP possibly need a more balanced view right now in this time of confusion. It's funny how you seem to see it a certain way.

I wasn't being passive aggressive. There was no passive in it, Maisie. I've had the misfortune to read some of your posts before and find them at best incomprehensible and at worst vile and offensive.
There's no chip on my shoulder. Coming down on someone with bigoted views is just smart IMVHO rather than having a chip. As someone who hasn't had to face such ignorant prejudices, I'm concerned with the OP who is feeling vulnerable and threatened. And silly people like you who haven't even read her opening post properly and who make stupid comments about choosing sexuality should not spout dangerous 'advice' to vulnerable people. You're an embarrassment, luv

And, I've never said I'm the child of a homosexual couple! You're making stuff up! My mum is bisexual and had a LTR with a woman after divorcing my father! We were brought up as a family for several years; my family and her family. The children who were in this 'shocking' set up are all well adjusted and high achieving, myself included! Therefore I find the general statements about doing harm, unnatural etc, offensive
Explain please how that's a chip?
Go on, one of your concise and logical statements of facts like fuck!

Maisie what happened to you might be interesting to hear about on a different thread.

Arsebadger, you know how it's a chip really - there's no point. Maisie's special internal compass gives her the right answers, silly things like personal experience don't. Unless it's personal experience of your internal compass maybe? But then maybe only if you're Maisie.

OP, moving is stressful no matter what. But after this move things might be better for you. So leave it until then. It's not that you dislike your partner/your relationship right? Here's a chance for things to get a little easier for you hopefully, so take it and then decide. I'm sorry for the abuse you've suffered.

Arsebadger I think you do need to go for counselling and see why others are saying what they are saying. Because the timeline for defending your own parents need to be let go of, and actually come to accept mutual point of views that is a part of our multi-cultural society.

The comments that the OP made about being "physically abusive". This is not true. It is an internal thing. Because I myself had been there too. But of different reasons. To me, it is of my racial colour. People will of course look and stare even if I did not comment. This is a fact of life that I do see and often do, but tried to overlook. Some guys will comment and make sexual jokes and think I am some kind of SE Asian pornstar. Others won't.

You cannot walk around being angry all of the time, and so what even if you are touted by someone and actually called them out on this ?

You are right about the non-passive part, because it is just the aggressive part of your attitude is coming across loud and pretty clear... I'm sorry that you chose to be so misfortune and read some of my posts before.

I have also had the misfortune of posting certain views before on racial discrimination and was actually overlooked even when it was quite offensive. I just hope that for the OPs sake that she can find the strength to fight through this prejudices if this is indeed what she wants out of life. To me, there is an uncertainty to her situation and scenario which so many overlooked. You cannot change other people, and this is a given in life. We can only change ourselves. The most important point to me is still that this should not cause a big anxiety in one's heart.

Me and DP have even had to deal with phsycial abuse over our relationship. Usually it's just staring, tutting and things like that. Lost a few friends over it too. It certainly showed me who my friends actually were.

In some parts of this country still, there are actual physical abuse, where people throw bricks and stones at you. The looks are not physical abuse but they are simple prejudices which you can see on a superficial level in someone's body language.

Maisie why do I need to go for counselling? What are people other than you saying?!

No what really has offended me about your musings here, is the OP has posted here for help and you have completely hijacked this thread, negating the relevant experiences of others, and are now trying to make this about you and your experiences of racism?! No, Maisie, that is cruel and selfish and embarrassing. I urge you to seek help and to stop trying to 'help' OP. Please.

And stop making things up, I never had to defend my parents, my mum's relationship was completely accepted by our families and the community we lived in! The reason I'm not acting like a victim is because I'm not one. I'm a lucky person with an amazing mum

I was judging you based on your interaction towards me Arsebadger. Because you were quite out of line and was not able to even contemplate a difference of opinion, and you shut me down in the beginning of this thread telling me straight off that I should not give advice. To me, this lends me a view into your background and the reason why you came across as all very angsty.

I am trying to tell the OP that her daughter can indeed be as loyal as you but not be as fair or diplomatic in her views because it is very obvious that you see any comments as a bad one asap without even thinking and wondering what others are saying and if they have a very valid reason or not. It is automatically "assumed" that it is negative. Please DO read what others wrote here and READ the context of their comments too.

I do see you as having a chip on your shoulder. Because if you were so happy with everything you would not even enter this thread and kick up a fuss also too.

Nobody judged you on how your mum parented you, but you took on your mum's value even though it was her choice and you stopped actually consider your own choices too and still give a fair viewpoint.

You defended her position in this thread, even though it was not that related.... Cos you touted me, and then told your story. I have no hidden agenda against you and I do not know you, so why did you fight me here? I like to know.

No Arsebadger, I only gave views that I only of, of prejudices and of discrimination and ow to overcome those. I did not mean to hijack this thread to be about racism. It was yourself who did not understand this and turned me into this "hater" label, and overlooked what the OP was going through, which is indeed an identity crisis. That is why I said that. Maybe you like to overlook this or maybe it is beyond your own comprehension, I am sure that the OP knows what the score is, and can learn pretty quickly how certain things are.

Yes, I had to explain why I commented and what prejudices I came across and how I handled them. It was not meant to be a hijacking thread. Sorry if you wanted it that way or misunderstood it that way. Maybe that is a miscommunication and misunderstanding on your part. At the end of the day, you did not know my experiences and nor did I know yours. I just see anger and defensiveness from you.

Have not read other replies so apologies if there is stuff I have missed. I just want to say I live in a small village in Ireland. Catholic town, usual gossip. A very prominent man came out three or four years ago, with boyfriend in tow. I would imagine the poor man suffered for years with worry about what people would think. And do you know what? No one gave a shite. Of course there was the occasional "Did you hear X is gay" but that was it. People are mostly too worried about their own business and affairs to be bothered with anyone elses. OP if you love this person then take your courage in both hands and make a go of it.

'For me, I used to be like her, have a chip on my shoulder, and I have overcome this myself, on my own.'

This may be the funniest thing I've read in some time.

Ok, it gets less funny.

'The comments that the OP made about being "physically abusive". This is not true. It is an internal thing.'

What the heck do you mean? Who are you to say the OP is lying?

Also, can we stop with the fiction that bisexuals can choose who they fall for, please? If you imagine that being bisexual means you should choose only to have straight relationships, you are homophobic. The idea that someone should, because they are suffering prejudice and abuse, feel forced to change their sexuality is homophobic.

Maisie I quite happily admit that your posts are beyond my comprehension and I sincerely doubt that I am the only person on here who would say that

I strongly suspect they are not so much beyond as below your comprehension, arsebadger.

What gets me LRD is that I doubt OP will come back, at a time when she really needs support, because of some incomprehensible babble spouted by someone who seems to have deep issues!!!! To have her relationship with her partner, her daughter and her own sexuality negated (and I also clocked the bit about it not being physical abuse - WTAF) is disgusting. Maybe the delightful poster we refer to could insert her compass somewhere the sun doesn't shine which may also be something she talks out of

If I were the OP, I wouldn't come back. Or I might come back and feel as if my worries had been confirmed.

You're right, it's horrible.

I honestly think this is the sort of thing that should be zapped asap by MNHQ (and this isn't troll hunting, I've reported too).

It is a wider problem, though. There are a lot of homophobic wankers out there who spend their time undermining gay people and then gleefully claiming any upset is evidence that homosexuality is fundamentally wrong.

Well exactly.

I know that if I was stressed and distressed and posted something, and had 45 positive responses and 2 negative/abusive ones, I'd focus on those. It's human nature.

OP if you do return and want to talk to people who aren't deranged, please ignore some of the ridiculous comments and focus on the posts of support and recognition.

I also have the issue now where I feel like my brain has been scrambled, trying to decipher some of the more bizarre posts until I gave up because I can't be arsed reading moronic comments by complete weirdos