Thinking of ending things with DP, because of other people's prejudice. Really need help.

[unbelievablyconfused]

Hi

In a relationship with a woman (am a woman) and we've been together for a few years now.

Overall, I'm very happy with her. In the beginning, although it was a new world to me, as I'd always identified as straight, I was very confident and proud of our relationship. When we got looks or nasty comments, I genuinely didn't give a toss. I was/am too loved up.

As time goes on though, I'm finding it harder to deal with. The comments aren't constant, but we couldn't go out and hold hands without getting a lot of stares at the very least. It shouldn't bother me, but it does. I'm really ashamed to admit this.

She's perfect on so many levels. I love her so much and I can't actually believe that I'm considering bailing because of what others think and say.

I have a daughter, who's still in primary school and I really worry that she will be teased as well. I feel so much responsibility to keep her safe from bullies and I feel like I'm kind of fueling the fire by being in a same sex, albeit loving, relationship.

Due to several circumstances, we're supposed to be moving within the next month or so, but I'm getting cold feet. One reason is to actually get away from the bigots and move to a much more liberal and diverse area.

I don't want to leave her, but I find myself fantasising about a time when I didn't have to worry about what others thought and I could just go out and hold my ex's DP's hand because I was in a straight relationship. Nobody would judge me, or whisper and point. Although I have never been in love like this, life was easier.

Me and DP have even had to deal with phsycial abuse over our relationship. Usually it's just staring, tutting and things like that. Lost a few friends over it too. It certainly showed me who my friends actually were.

I know people will probably tell me that I should just hold my head up high and be proud, but it's so so hard and the pressure I feel right now to make the right decision is immense. This is, by far, the hardest decision I will ever have to make, because it's not just my future, it's my daughter's and she is the most important person in my life.

DP can't relate and thinks I'm massively over thinking this. I haven't told her that I'm actually considering leaving, but I've told her how hard I find it sometimes and how those feelings are gradually increasing.

Because we're supposed to be moving very soon, which means changing school too, I can almost hear the clock counting down, until I make my final decision. I feel sick with worry most days.

I honestly do feel like I'm heading for a breakdown. How do I stop caring about what others think?

Any advice? I'm so incredibly stuck.

TIA

Badger, that's lovely to hear. The biggest fear I have is that my daughter will be teased because of my relationship and so might end up resenting me in the future for making her life more difficult. I hope your reaction and outcome, is more the norm and that my worry isn't necessarily going to become a reality.

Arsebadger I am sorry that you seem to be so resentful for people having an opinion. Maybe you do not seem to be that concerned about the OP's actual anxiety and "break down" comment. I have stayed impartial and asked her to explore this area of herself, which is important to deal with how she wish to conduct her life.

Maybe you would like to forget that comment about the breakdown...

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To me, it is very simple. If something sits well with your heart and what you do as actions, then it would not be that hard to deal with at all.

I think there are a lot of issues to be explored. Only you will know if this is because of what others say, or whether this is because of the fact that you are now questioning your own identity and need to change this worldview of yourself in relation with the world. Only you will know. Some people go for counselling to find answers. Others try and find answers by taking decisions in their life and then changing them to find out. Only you can decide on that one I'm afraid. For me, I found out my answers from experiencing then reflecting.

Just a note too. You cannot change other people. You can only change yourself. And as for DD, you do not know how she will feel, and that is not something you can also control too. If this is true love and you love this woman, then you should love her by your own condition. There's a lot of self exploration to be done OP...

I think this is being over-thought. You've said your main doubts are when other people you don't know are around ie where you don't feel comfortable. If you are moving to a more tolerant area (eg PARTS of London, Brighton etc) then your main issue should become less of an issue. I know a few kids with same sex parents and they seem fine.

Of course some kids will inevitably get teased about it but kids can get teased about almost anything - and teasers will always find a subject to tease about once they decide who to target. Of course when they get to 14 your kid might wish you were more normal - just like most 14 year olds wish their parents were more normal.

I am not sure if your sexiality is 100% the issue here to be honest

I dont know, but I think you owe it to yourself, your DD and your DP to think long and hard before moving and embarking upon a new relationship.

there is alot of doubt and "cold feet" in your message, and thats completely normal

having a new relationship after a nasty break up is a big deal, and when kids are involved even more so

as someone said if in doubt- do nowt but explore getting some external support to work through what you want

I also think that gay people that came out when younger are far more used to these slings and arrows. I dont think it bothers them any less, but they have adapted.

get counselling is my advice

MrsM you clearly haven't read my post
Having been 'that child' I can only say it does not cause harm at all when a child is communicated with properly! My mum's bisexuality hasn't confused or distressed me at any stage and she's a wonderful mum. I was never bullied over this even in the early 80s!
I'm now in my thirties with a successful career, a happy marriage, and a baby.
As is my brother.
OP is 'who' she is not 'what' she is.
And you are clearly prejudiced and ignorant.

mrsm22

there is so much that saddens me in your reply that I dont even know where to start.

but please dont make assertions that children with gay parents are 100% guaranteed to be bullied- thats a narrow view

you have gay friends? really?????

I agree fromparis, seems to be a bigotted view that trys to justify itself to me.

Having said that, it is likley that OPs DD will get teased, all kids do, it's just what happens and if it isn't about Mummy having a girlfriend, it'll be about the type of house they live in, what colour hair/skin they have, whether they have the latest toys, what clothes they wear etc.

You simply can't be a parent and protect DCs from all of this unless you conform to absolutely every social more there is. Which is impossible and will screw your kids up even more than not doing it! The trick is to teach them why this happens and how to deal with it, not avoiding everything in life that throws up a potential barrier.

OP don't deny your (and by extension, your DDs) happiness for the sake of the bigots. It is only by having trail blazers like yourself that the stupid attitudes you experience will be challenged and changed.

Oh dear. I see exactly the attitudes you have to put up with OP.

Mrsm22, if it wasn't for people like you, the OP wouldn't be having the issues she is with being accepted. You are the problem. People struggling with their sexuality are not.

Two things from your OP

You can't protect your child from bullying by removing the source because your relationship isn't the source of it. So you protect your child by making her strong. You can do this in a lot of ways none of which need to focus on your sexuality.

How many heterosexuals with children do you see holding hands? I don't want to cramp your style but it's something you don't need to do anyway when with your daughter, it comes across as a little immature whether gay or heterosexual.

Your response to people looking is also probably something you should deal with. You sound insecure at heart, needing tough men around to feel safe. Perhaps you need to build up some faith in people and give them the benefit of the doubt a bit more, so when they look, it is just that and there's nothing behind it. You are probably not being judged and even if you were, so what?

Moving to a tolerant area is going to really help, where people are seen as unique rather than part of a herd.

Holding hands is immature?

Have you ever thought that people end up in straight relationships because that is perceived to be the social norm Mrsm?

When truly they prefer the same sex but feel unable to follow that path due to prejudice but in the end they grow and mature and decide to fight their feelings no longer and choose to have a same sex relationship.

Children are bullied for a host of reasons and you will find that children are very tolerant it is the parents that push their bigoted ideas on to them. A bit like yourself really

There is a girl in my sons class who has 2 mummies. Everybody knows this and it is accepted by all children and parents. The girl in 7 years at that school has not been the victim of bullying and one mum is on the parents board of governors.

In regards to gay/bisexual parents produce gay/bi children is the biggest load of tosh I have ever heard! My son is 10 and I know he is gay. My DH and have known for a while actually and considering we are in a straight relationship how would you explain that one Mrsm?

Without being nasty or judgemental, and I do have gay friends, why have a child if you're not fully certain of your sexuality? It just makes children grow up 'weird', mixed up, confused and often with problems

That was both nasty and judgemental.

I'm friends with loads of lesbians, some have children and others don't. They have surrounded themselves with good people and they are fine. I can see why it's wearing, it's not right but it's what anyone outside the mainstream faces daily.

Don't give up a good relationship for this.

It's not normal to be gay

It is normal to be gay, it is normal for gay people to be gay.

Jeez, Mrsm is a prime example of the kind of fuckwittery that the OP is so worried about.

In regards to gay/bisexual parents produce gay/bi children is the biggest load of tosh I have ever heard!

It's not an uncommon myth that these people like to spout. A bit like the "It's not normal", "It's not natural" "It's a lifestyle choice" "They can choose to be hetero" stuff. My particular favourite is from my DPs, both medics (retired thankfully) who believe homosexuality is a disease that can be cured!

It crops up regularly in other animals and is suspected of being a reaction (at a population level) to over-population in some species, not to mention the behavioural/social aspects that have barely been touched upon. The years of homo/bisexulaity (and all the others for that matter) being taboo subjects has really held back knowledge in these areas of zoology/anthropology/sociology.

Blimey Mrsm22 you talk like people did 50 years ago. Amazing!

mrsm22

the fact is that many hetrosexual relationships suffer from

(a) divorce (1 in 3 doncha know!)
(b) spousal abuse
(c) infidelity
(d) substance abuse
(e) poverty and neglect

So we cant assume that every hetro partnership is stable, and much damange can be caused by the above issues. And I bet many straight parents did not predict this shit happening before they "bought a child into the world"

so its highly possible that a child with gay parents might see more love and stability than a classroom peer with 2 straight parents

of couirse you are entitled to an opinion- but its worth exploring your "blanket" view that gay parents will instantly lead to bullying

its not normal to be gay? sheesh

people have been BORN FLIPPING GAY since man was created you muppet

I think we are wasting breath here

OP one of my Mums good friends when I was a child was a lesbian, she had previously been married and had a child.

This was in the 70s when things were much less tolerant, but as far as I remember, her relationship was explained to her daughter as being the same as a hetero one, just between two women, that mutual love and respect was what made a relationship 'right' and that it was really no one elses business.

If you can confidently reinforce this with your daughter, she will be equipped to deal with any comments that may be made. If you are unsure, then so will she be.

IMO you need to get this right in your own head first. Have you considered having counselling?

I'm really confused by this thread.

Loads of adults I know hold hands. It's not 'immature' (what could possibly be immature about it?!). And I think the 'if you loved her you wouldn't care' argument is utter bollocks. It's stressful. That stress comes from other people being narrow-minded tossers, but of course you are going to associate it with your relationship because their focus is on that. If someone tutted every time I kissed my DH I'd pretty soon be associating kissing him with being tutted at. It's not something you can consciously decide to filter out.

Sorry OP, bit of a rant, but I do think you're perfectly normal to be feeling stressed out and worried by it. I don't know what you should do, because that's your business, but I really disagree with a lot of posters that there's anything wrong with registering that you feel this bad about it all.