Thinking of ending things with DP, because of other people's prejudice. Really need help.

[unbelievablyconfused]

Hi

In a relationship with a woman (am a woman) and we've been together for a few years now.

Overall, I'm very happy with her. In the beginning, although it was a new world to me, as I'd always identified as straight, I was very confident and proud of our relationship. When we got looks or nasty comments, I genuinely didn't give a toss. I was/am too loved up.

As time goes on though, I'm finding it harder to deal with. The comments aren't constant, but we couldn't go out and hold hands without getting a lot of stares at the very least. It shouldn't bother me, but it does. I'm really ashamed to admit this.

She's perfect on so many levels. I love her so much and I can't actually believe that I'm considering bailing because of what others think and say.

I have a daughter, who's still in primary school and I really worry that she will be teased as well. I feel so much responsibility to keep her safe from bullies and I feel like I'm kind of fueling the fire by being in a same sex, albeit loving, relationship.

Due to several circumstances, we're supposed to be moving within the next month or so, but I'm getting cold feet. One reason is to actually get away from the bigots and move to a much more liberal and diverse area.

I don't want to leave her, but I find myself fantasising about a time when I didn't have to worry about what others thought and I could just go out and hold my ex's DP's hand because I was in a straight relationship. Nobody would judge me, or whisper and point. Although I have never been in love like this, life was easier.

Me and DP have even had to deal with phsycial abuse over our relationship. Usually it's just staring, tutting and things like that. Lost a few friends over it too. It certainly showed me who my friends actually were.

I know people will probably tell me that I should just hold my head up high and be proud, but it's so so hard and the pressure I feel right now to make the right decision is immense. This is, by far, the hardest decision I will ever have to make, because it's not just my future, it's my daughter's and she is the most important person in my life.

DP can't relate and thinks I'm massively over thinking this. I haven't told her that I'm actually considering leaving, but I've told her how hard I find it sometimes and how those feelings are gradually increasing.

Because we're supposed to be moving very soon, which means changing school too, I can almost hear the clock counting down, until I make my final decision. I feel sick with worry most days.

I honestly do feel like I'm heading for a breakdown. How do I stop caring about what others think?

Any advice? I'm so incredibly stuck.

TIA

Btw, I adore how arsebadger's post has come out as a little poem.

People with children don't holds hands because a small person creeps inn whenever they see parental attention going somewhere besides them.

Not because it is immature.

I love seeing much older couples wandering town holding hands, makes me go all squishy inside.

I agree with LRD. I think the 'if you really loved her you wouldn't feel like this' argument is wrong. And I can see it must be really stressful. It would be for me. I also think 'true love' is a load of Disneyfied rubbish.

I do wonder though, OP, whether you have always been someone who is very conscious of what other people think of you and want to have people like you. I say this as someone who is like this. Basically it is because I am insecure, but also my Mum is hyper vigilant over 'what other people will think'. If this is leading you to actions which may mess up your life and happiness (ending a relationship with someone you love), then you need to address it. Find out how you can increase your self esteem and confidence and stop caring so much about what others think.

If you are actually having some issues in the relationship...that's a different matter. I can see that having left a heterosexual relationship with your Dd's father for this relationship, you will not be wanting to see that there are issues in the relationship. You may try and blame it on 'outside' issues such as the pressure from the outside world rather than acknowledging a problem. Not saying this is fact, but a possibility. How is your DP handling how you feel about his? Is she listening, is she patient, is she compassionate? Or is she being dismissive because SHE doesn't feel that way? (sign of a bigger problem).

mrsm that you would post your ignorant bigotry on a thread started by a person who is on the verge of a breakdown precisely as a result of attitudes like yours beggars belief. I'm not much one for trying to shut people up on MN, but you have made me incredibly angry and I do hope that you will consider the damage that you are doing before you open your mouth ever again

OP ignore the muppets. I maintain that you can't make any big decisions until you're feeling more in control and steady. You say you've just been away, but perhaps you need some time by yourself - because as others point out, the difficulty here is that your partner, through no fault of her own, is bound up with the source of your stress. Did you manage to get to the GP? There are some specific therapies they may be able to offer you, like CBT, that are very effective for treating anxiety. It won't go to the underlying cause but will help you to create some calm in your mind.

Jaw dropping comments on here!

OP if it's any comfort to you my sister lives in the backwoods of rural Wales in (what seems) a pretty small minded and inward looking community. Last year she meet an old female friend from school and fell in love. It gave her the freedom to leave her controlling and profligate husband. They have now set up home together, and have had surprisingly little resistance, and in fact quite a lot of support. Her youngest son lives with them for half the week and had had no problems at school whatsoever (they are keeping a careful eye and have discussed with staff).

The other lesbian couple I know who have a young son have worked hard to build in him the resiliance to be confident in who he is. He is an amazing kid.

OP I think the verdict is fairly unanimous that Mrsm22 is a total bigot and nobody deserves that kind of response when looking for help. I' m hoping it's some bored teen try to wind someone up and no a mature free thinking adult.

I think most teens are infinitely more aware than mrsm to be fair

mrsm22 the problem with your views is also that any child who has a 'less conventional' upbringing will be teased according to you.
So we should all act the same and confirm to the mould.
BORING.....

Sorry, this is a bit long.

unbelievablyconfused first of all, having read this thread - dear god, the fuckwittery of some people, and I'm sorry you've had to wade through that to get to the advice of the people here who do actually know what they are talking about.

I will pass on the garden-variety homophobia some people have expressed (which is exactly the kind of thing leading to your distress and confusion) and go straight to this bit of fuckwittery on the first page:

For a person truly in love, a stranger's disapproval or prejudice would be meaningless.

That poster has never clearly been in a situation such as yours, OP. People "truly in love" still have to live in society.

I changed my name to post because I can understand your position. I identified as a lesbian from about the age of 16, and was out to my family and friends, cheerfully so. Until I was in my thirties, I'd only ever dated women, and indeed had fallen in love with one. (That broke up, ironically, because she was in the closet and couldn't cope with it.) Then I met the father of my DC. It didn't work out (because he was an arse, not because of my bisexuality, which neither of us had a problem with), but since I had DC anyone I have met since assumes I am straight and have always been straight.

I live in a big city, but despite that the community around my DC's school is very socially conservative, mainly because of the two religions that make up most of the school demographics. Since DC started school, I have been so far in the closet I'm in Narnia. This is partly to protect DC, but also, if I'm honest, because I like the other mums and don't want to be socially isolated. I've come out to a few, but have been very, very careful about it. I haven't needed to come out further because I am single.

I've always been very clear with DC, though, about how it's ok for anyone to love anyone else whatever their gender, and indeed three-quarters of his godparents are gay. I've been careful to always use inclusive language with him. He has never seen it as a big deal, and from being tiny has spoken up in school when his socially-conservative friends have gone down the "eewwww, gay" route. His totally relaxed attitude and "some people are gay - so what?" conversation makes me a bit ashamed, in truth, that I can't be as breezily courageous as him. But he doesn't see it as courageous, just normal, and even though he's the only one speaking up in a very socially conservative "boys are boys are men" crowd, it doesn't seem to have damaged any of his friendships or led to bullying.

I honestly don't know what I'd do if I fell in love again. I don't think it would make a scrap of difference to my DC either way, whether I fell in love with a man or a woman, and I think his "no biggie" stance would go a long way to it not being an issue with his mates, either. I would mourn very much some of the friendships I'd worry about losing, but I can't be sure I would lose those friendships (people can be better than you think), and I don't know that I'd be prepared to sacrifice a partner for those friendships anyway.

If you are moving, you get to make a fresh start, and if you are out from the beginning then that'll weed out a lot of the intolerant fuckers, so you won't have to mourn already-existing friendships. Whatever you decide, OP, good luck. Just don't throw away what (and who) you already know is a good thing for people you haven't yet even met.

You should read this article.
www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2031498/Sex-Why-makes-women-fall-love--just-makes-men-want-MORE.html

When you wrote about the "safe" feeling. This is why. Oxytocin, and all the other "lovely chemicals" which goes around the body is missing. Maybe you are aware of it, or that you are not. But when you were in a heterosexual relationship, then the amount of safety feeling existed and it was there without your own understanding. But now that you have been in this new relationship for quite a while, and I am very concerned about your "break down" comment to be honest.

It genuinely does not matter what we say here, because ultimately, you need to feel good inside of yourself, and choosing what you need and to continue with the world. If you are to be with a woman, it will and shall mean that those chemicals won't exist in your body, and you will indeed have to rely on other ways to actually fulfill yourself. Society's judgment should not even hit your internal radar at all when you are happy inside of your own body, that is mind, spirit and heart.

What an interesting post Closet. I have anxiety / confidence issues - not connected to sexuality, but not dissimilar, perhaps. I think the older we are, the more fragile and vulnerable we feel. I think it gets harder, not easier.

Backinthecloset, schools with two main groups can be less inclusive Han schools with one. Each group strengthens the others defensiveness.

The most inclusive schools for outsiders of whatever ilk, are these with huge variation. Children in these schools have less rigid expectations of each other and the school doesn't see diversity as a problem.

WTF?

Sorry, am I understanding you rightly? You believe oxytocin and serotonin aren't secreted if you're in a homosexual relationship?

I don't believe it's as simple as 'brain chemicals make you happy' anyway, but what on earth would it have to do with homosexuality?

Sorry, that was to maisie. My jaw was so busy hitting the floor I forgot to include the name.

Maisie I hate to disabuse you of your stupid and bigoted opinions but gay people have sex!!! yes!!!! and they probably do it better

Honestly.

Does she have a Queen Victoria view of it all?

Um, why wouldn't hormones related to orgasm be absent in a lesbian relationship?

The op felt safer with a man, because women are (and this is an actual fact unlike some of the other ones on this thread) less likely to get harassed from people while walking down the street with a person a person who has a penis.

They are also more likely to get harassed for being gay.

SO the OP has coupled losing her "protection" with becoming part of a minority group.

Thanks LRD :)
I was going to make it into a haiku but remembered that famous lesbian saying 'don't waste energy making poems for weird bigoted people on mumsnet as they ain't gonna appreciate it'
Oh hang on, I'm not a lesbian. MrsM just assumed that after I said I have a successful career, marriage and baby
hope she doesn't have kids, poor mites wouldn't stand a chance

I think Maisie misunderstood article to mean that men create the hormone in women [confused.

Either that or she assumes lots of oral sex is not conducive to women's orgasms?

Maisie is an embarrassing liability on here! Hush, you silly woman!

Yes LRD, presumably gay women sit about doing cross stitch together of a Friday night I actually do and I am straight but also really sad

So the OP has coupled losing her "protection" with becoming part of a minority group.

Great insight Really

Maisie and MrsM should get together and have miserable lesbian non-sex

My grin was to arsebadger. But yeah ... I assume she doesn't realize lesbians have orgasms? Maybe she thinks women only hold hands?

I think that article is very simplified anyway. Oxytocin is fab and all, but the OP is upset for valid reasons and a decent shag isn't going to make them go away, sadly.

MrsM22 I am hoping your name is not a reference to your age but to teh year you were born as there can be no other explanation for your ignorance