Thinking of ending things with DP, because of other people's prejudice. Really need help.

[unbelievablyconfused]

Hi

In a relationship with a woman (am a woman) and we've been together for a few years now.

Overall, I'm very happy with her. In the beginning, although it was a new world to me, as I'd always identified as straight, I was very confident and proud of our relationship. When we got looks or nasty comments, I genuinely didn't give a toss. I was/am too loved up.

As time goes on though, I'm finding it harder to deal with. The comments aren't constant, but we couldn't go out and hold hands without getting a lot of stares at the very least. It shouldn't bother me, but it does. I'm really ashamed to admit this.

She's perfect on so many levels. I love her so much and I can't actually believe that I'm considering bailing because of what others think and say.

I have a daughter, who's still in primary school and I really worry that she will be teased as well. I feel so much responsibility to keep her safe from bullies and I feel like I'm kind of fueling the fire by being in a same sex, albeit loving, relationship.

Due to several circumstances, we're supposed to be moving within the next month or so, but I'm getting cold feet. One reason is to actually get away from the bigots and move to a much more liberal and diverse area.

I don't want to leave her, but I find myself fantasising about a time when I didn't have to worry about what others thought and I could just go out and hold my ex's DP's hand because I was in a straight relationship. Nobody would judge me, or whisper and point. Although I have never been in love like this, life was easier.

Me and DP have even had to deal with phsycial abuse over our relationship. Usually it's just staring, tutting and things like that. Lost a few friends over it too. It certainly showed me who my friends actually were.

I know people will probably tell me that I should just hold my head up high and be proud, but it's so so hard and the pressure I feel right now to make the right decision is immense. This is, by far, the hardest decision I will ever have to make, because it's not just my future, it's my daughter's and she is the most important person in my life.

DP can't relate and thinks I'm massively over thinking this. I haven't told her that I'm actually considering leaving, but I've told her how hard I find it sometimes and how those feelings are gradually increasing.

Because we're supposed to be moving very soon, which means changing school too, I can almost hear the clock counting down, until I make my final decision. I feel sick with worry most days.

I honestly do feel like I'm heading for a breakdown. How do I stop caring about what others think?

Any advice? I'm so incredibly stuck.

TIA

mrsm I've tried to respond to your posts in good faith and engage in some kind of discussion with you but it's fruitless, you are impervious to reason and empirically obtuse, to coin a phrase. Good night and good riddance

Funny, I'll ring you when I've gone off men completely - not long now

No children are not nasty it is the adults that influence them that are.

I am afraid you are one of those people who will continue to breed closed minded homophobic children. Should your children go to university and be presented with a more accepting and open way of thinking they will be so ashamed of you and your disgusting views.

And god forbid one of yours turns out to be gay as I fear they would live a lie until you breathed your last breath.

People like you are what is so wrong with this world and you should have your account deleted just as those who express racist or disablist views do.

I don't blame the op for leaving the thread, the ignorance displayed in mrsm22's and Masie's posts is really horrible. You two have no idea. Do you know how many young people feel they have no option but to kill themselves because of homophobia? Because of people with views such as yours?

This thread is really upsetting, thank goodness for all the other lovely people who posted here, you have a lot of patience!

It's fucking sad that people need to have a really thick skin if they happen to be gay or bi in this world

Wakes up
Tends to baby
Reads posts
Wonders if the world has gone mad

OP, if you ever read any of this, there's some actual real life experience of individuals brought up by same-sex parents and step parents who were categorically not bullied about this! Please ignore the homophobes who talk about things being natural or normal who believe a child would be bullied, when they have no knowledge or experience of this matter. The only sad thing is that these narrow-minded and bigoted views may be passed on to the next generation hopefully though those kids will reject their parents daily fail-esque views and realise that sexuality, race etc are irrelevant and providing children with a loving and stable home is the most important thing

I find it incredibly, incredibly sad that a poster who asked for advice and support was instead faced with the sort of prejudice and harassment that she feared in the first place, work the anonymity of the internet allowing people to day things that I hope they wouldn't dream of saying to the OPs face.

If she has been reading this thread (and I really hope she unsubscribed in the early stages) her fears have probably been confirmed and she might be seriously considering ending a loving relationship and breaking up the stable loving environment in which her daughter was being raised.

I don't think a thread has ever made me this angry before. The behavior shown on here is truly despicable.

I totally agree with you Molly. I'm amazed that MNHQ have allowed such homophobic nonsense to stand on any thread, never mind one where the OP is seeking support because of homophobic attitudes.

No two families are the same. Having homosexual parents doesn't make all that much difference really given then enormous variety in families generally. Children's experiences of family can be positive or negative but that is not determined by the sexual orientation of their parents; it's about whether those parents can create a stable, loving, supportive home. Lesbians are just as capable of this as straight couples.

And homosexuality is hardly a threat to the world's rapidly increasing population. We're not exactly at risk of extinction. The 'what if everyone were gay?' argument is beyond silly.

if a child is going to get teased they will get teased.

dd5 comes home from school telling me she can marry a girl if she wants to because she is a child and open.

It's only a few years since people worried about mixed race children being bullied thankfully racism becomes rarer and rarer. The same will happen to homophobia.

I would be so ashamed of either of my daughters came out with the gross crap on this thread and I would horribly upset if they bullied another child for any reason.

And to put the attitudes of Maisie and co in context, one of my friends at school was a Mormon and another was an active member of Ian Paisley's church and neither of the ever made so much as a slightly negative comment about my family.

Good morning

I am surprised to see certain posts are still here
I would have thought MNHQ would not wish to have any association with those who hold the opinion that gay couples should not have children.

Mrsm this is for you.

I've just read another thread where a different troll has distressed a bereaved mother and the posts are still there so maybe MNHQ has given up!

Jesus no that is disgusting. Can you pm be the thread please.

Arsebadger :(

And, MrsM, by your reasoning, DH should have had a vasectomy before we ever dared to have sex on account of the fact that he's ginger, and with all the ginger in my family, our offspring were at a severe risk of being ginger, which they could be bullied for.

OP - I really feel for you! I was in a relationship with a man for 5 years (we were supposed to get married last Saturday, actually), but since then I have met a woman and I love her more than anything and I'm happier than I've ever been. I know I've made the right decision, it sounds like you do to.

As for prejudice, I really think that you will be happier moving to a more liberal area. I live in London and I have never experienced ANY prejudice, ever! The closest I've had to homophobia is a man shouting 'LEZZAS' out a van window once, and even then he was just stating the obvious .

It sounds like where you live at the moment is bringing out the worse in you, and I can honestly say that I think I would feel the same as well if I was on the receiving end of such horrible behaviour.

I know that you said that you know people will tell you to be proud... but BE PROUD. We have come so far because of people like you sticking it out and showing that love is love no matter what. Look at the way things are changing - I truly believe that we will look back at the 2000s in a few decades time and think what an amazing time it is to be and out and proud gay person, because we have achieved SO much.

Pop a rainbow flag outside your new home. I also can't say enough good things about pride events –go to as many as you can. It'll make you feel like you're part of something, rather than being excluded

molly spot on! I am not sure that I can be bothered to have this argument. Can mrsm not see that gay parents have already moved on a very long way from her position and don't really care about it, either. I look at my well-fed, happy, middle-class children who have ample attention, involvement and interest from their parents, family and wider community and wonder what more they could possibly want really. I think one of the most dangerous things for gay parents is the sense that people don't approve and the need somehow to compensate for this by being perfect parents. I'm not a perfect parent by any stretch of the imagination, but I am a good enough parent, and I am no worse at it because I am gay. For my girls, I am sorry that they have to encounter attitudes like the ones expressed here, but I know that they are resilient and confident, and they know that they are loved and supported. So they will be fine. And here endeth the lesson...

Hi Unbelievablyconfused

Gosh parts of your post resonates with me.

I am gay, I have children, I am in a relationship with my female partner who is adjusting to having children in her life.

It is tiring, thinking about how others may react to your relationship. It is hard to know that you are being talked about....wondering what is being said.
I try not to think about it too much
I too have lost some friends when I came out but the vast majority have been wonderful.
My children too have been fantastic....I took it slowly with them and left it up to them how open they were.
It took a little while for them but then all of a sudden when my partner and I got engaged the children sent us flying out of the closet by announcing to everyone, verbally, on FB, twitter .....about our engagement. Their friends parents have congratulated us too.
I am sure we figure in many conversations as we live in a small conservative town but things will settle down when newer gossip pushes us down the interesting news list.

There are times I feel stressed about our visibility but have learnt that it passes

And I do believe that for my children to see a healthy loving relationship between two people of the same sex is far more beneficial to them than an unhappy dis functional relationship of a male/female set up.
My childrens issue isn't that I kiss another woman it's that their mother kisses at all :-)
Am happy for you to pm me if you want to chat

Hello everyone,

Thank you for all your reports about this thread. As you may know, homophobic language is against our talk guidelines, and we do consider posts that imply that sexuality is some sort of choice as against our guidelines, so we have deleted these.

Off the back of this thread, we've suspended some posters ability to poster, and also will be contacting a few others.

As ever, if there's something that you think we've missed, please do report it to us.

Can same sex parents give children the same lifestyle and upbringing as a mum and dad?

I know some loving straight couples (mum & dad) who have children, and their children have a great family life (even if they are sometimes bullied at school for unrelated reasons, like existing when a bully is looking for someone to, er, bully).

I know some loving gay couples (mostly mum & mum) who have children, and their children have a great family life (even if they are sometimes bullied at school for unrelated reasons, like existing when a bully is looking for someone to, er, bully).

I know some families where there isn't a functioning dad, because he's fucked off, or he's irresponsible, or he's more interested in footy or golf or Grand Theft Auto than his own kids. Their children sometimes have a great life (thanks, all you brilliant single mums) and sometimes don't, often because the parent left behind is left struggling for money. (And sometimes the children are bullied at school for unrelated reasons, like existing when a bully is looking for someone to, er, bully).

Well, mrsm22 I was brought up by a mum and dad, which seems to be your gold standard. My dad was a violent drunk. I look at the loving, wonderful relationship that the OP describes, even amid all the shit she's getting for being gay - She's perfect on so many levels. I love her so much - and I wish, wish, wish that I'd grown up in a household where one of my parents could truthfully write that about the other parent. OP's daughter is very, very lucky to have a family home where both parents love each other.

Can same sex parents give children the same lifestyle and upbringing as a mum and dad? In this particular care, regarding the OP's family, I'd suggest she is giving her daughter a much, much better lifestyle and upbringing than my mum and dad gave me. I find it absolutely heartbreaking that the pressure and pain of other people's prejudice is threatening to break up this loving household.

Thanks Kate. I understand that you walk a fine line, but think that for OP's benefit some earlier intervention would have been wise. I think following this, that threads with vulnerable OPs should be given special protection. I do hope that you'l be checking in with OP and letting her know the action you've taken.

Thank you Kate that is good to hear.

I hope the OP can see that only 2 posters out of well loads would ever see her relationship as nothing more than loving regardless of the sexual orientation.

Hi everyone

Well................erm...............what can I say?

I've only just got home and I'm utterly appalled, saddened, angry, disappointed...the list goes on and on really.

A lot of the comments have been deleted, but from the quotes I've read, I'm actually in shock. I could actually feel my arms going numb as I read them.

As many of you have already said, I came on here desperately looking for advice because I was struggling with prejudice and instead of just receiving advice, I receive disgusting, homophobic comments and even remarks about my daughter! It's just awful and to those of you who did post those comments, you should be utterly ashamed. I'm sure you won't be, but from the reactions you've received on here, you can clearly see that fortunately, you are a dying breed.

On a more positive note, thank you so much to all you lovely people who have shown your support and intolerance for these kind of bigotted people and their ignorant remarks.

Hi, OP - I'm glad to see you, even if I'm really, really sorry you've had to wade through nonsense to get here.

I wish I'd grown up in a family as loving as the one you have made. I totally get how distressed you are at all the homophobic bollocks you've experienced (offline and now, here, online), but I think your DD is lucky to live in a household where everyone loves each other.

OP you're back!

Please ignore the two idiots on the thread in favour of all of us who would argue with our dying breath for you... I hope some of the advice from other posters who are gay/bi or have parents who are gay/bi and have had positive experiences encourages you. I think Banana's advice to seek out pride events sounds brilliant and may give you a sense of agency that you're missing.

Hugs.

I hope you are ok. I've been worrying about you all day. I think the abusive posters have been banned if you would like to talk things through. I think there is a lgbtq parenting section here as well where you might find more people with relevent experience.

Add this thread has shown, homophobic abuse is still around, but while it is something that might well continue to affect you (although hopefully a lot less in future if you move to a less intolerant community) it is unlikely to affect your child.

It sounds as though you probably do need to talk things through a bit more with your partner to make sure she understands your worries and fears. Has she mostly been in relationships with women before? If so, she probably isn't used to the safe, socially acceptable privileged of that comes with a straight relationship, so has less to miss.

I really hope that you can work things out and have a lovely future together.

My mum and her partner split up when I was in my twenties, but my stepmother recently married a lovely woman. My daughter was a bridesmaid at the wedding and brought in photos of her grannies to school for show and tell. Everyone was really excited for her. That's what most people are like.

Good luck.