Thinking of ending things with DP, because of other people's prejudice. Really need help.

[unbelievablyconfused]

Hi

In a relationship with a woman (am a woman) and we've been together for a few years now.

Overall, I'm very happy with her. In the beginning, although it was a new world to me, as I'd always identified as straight, I was very confident and proud of our relationship. When we got looks or nasty comments, I genuinely didn't give a toss. I was/am too loved up.

As time goes on though, I'm finding it harder to deal with. The comments aren't constant, but we couldn't go out and hold hands without getting a lot of stares at the very least. It shouldn't bother me, but it does. I'm really ashamed to admit this.

She's perfect on so many levels. I love her so much and I can't actually believe that I'm considering bailing because of what others think and say.

I have a daughter, who's still in primary school and I really worry that she will be teased as well. I feel so much responsibility to keep her safe from bullies and I feel like I'm kind of fueling the fire by being in a same sex, albeit loving, relationship.

Due to several circumstances, we're supposed to be moving within the next month or so, but I'm getting cold feet. One reason is to actually get away from the bigots and move to a much more liberal and diverse area.

I don't want to leave her, but I find myself fantasising about a time when I didn't have to worry about what others thought and I could just go out and hold my ex's DP's hand because I was in a straight relationship. Nobody would judge me, or whisper and point. Although I have never been in love like this, life was easier.

Me and DP have even had to deal with phsycial abuse over our relationship. Usually it's just staring, tutting and things like that. Lost a few friends over it too. It certainly showed me who my friends actually were.

I know people will probably tell me that I should just hold my head up high and be proud, but it's so so hard and the pressure I feel right now to make the right decision is immense. This is, by far, the hardest decision I will ever have to make, because it's not just my future, it's my daughter's and she is the most important person in my life.

DP can't relate and thinks I'm massively over thinking this. I haven't told her that I'm actually considering leaving, but I've told her how hard I find it sometimes and how those feelings are gradually increasing.

Because we're supposed to be moving very soon, which means changing school too, I can almost hear the clock counting down, until I make my final decision. I feel sick with worry most days.

I honestly do feel like I'm heading for a breakdown. How do I stop caring about what others think?

Any advice? I'm so incredibly stuck.

TIA

Cross-stitch can be very soothing.

They would be fine though, because they're absorbing oxytocin from the air that their menfolk breathe. Or maybe their farts

To me, I read the OP's post as a person who is scared. Plus, I definitely think that whatever setup she had before, which was in a heterosexual relationship but with a very good and close GF whose personality is exactly. I do wonder if she is projecting something onto her. Because there is a huge difference between admiration for someone, to being loving and wanting to love another person. How can this whole relationship is crashing down on its own already when it is just the beginning ? Is it because she is not longer having sex with ex partner ? How can she "suddenly" see and feel other people's judgments or comments so harshly whereas before it did not even hit the radar any way ? Sticks and stones make indeed break your bone, but none of their words should hit her that hard. The internal conflicts and feelings should assure her that this is not a relationship for her or her own destiny. People do not feel like they are "about to break down" when in a homosexual relationship. She needs to take control of her own life, and make good decent choices. She cannot walk around changing people around in the world. And why should she let them actually affect her internal mode so much ?

To me, this large amount of doubts should speak volume in itself. She needs to follow her own gut instincts... or to see a counsellor. I think she definitely need to see a counsellor to be honest.

Fantasizing about the past feelings and reminising the past is her own subconscious telling her what was a perfect moment back then. She should be aware of this feeling and why it came about to begin with...

I genuinely appreciate you telling us how you feel inside, but I do hope that maybe you need to speak to a counsellor to reconcile some of your own inner conflicts, cos it is not healthy to feel SO anxious. Plus you have started to tell us that you fear telling your partner that you want to leave her. As with any other MN thread here, one should not "fear" their partner.... To me, as a bystander, it is clear what is triggering you to fear this, but you got some very serious personal growth and personal work to be done.

maisie, I wouldn't generally pick someone up on this, except I honestly cannot understand you - you're not writing in sentences any more. I don't know if you're missing out words or what, but you're not making sense.

Sure, the OP is scared. Why shouldn't she be? People are being shitty towards her.

Why would she be having sex with her ex-partner?

Why shouldn't homophobic words upset her?

Where do you see the OP saying she fears her partner? I've searched that word and also 'afraid', and I can't see her saying that.

Just the beginning?!? They've been together years you mentalist

And btw, not sure how your 'sticks and stones' comment fits with the fact the OP states very clearly she and her partner have received physical abuse. Why are you minimizing that?

Maisie the only person who is projecting here is you. OP has said she loves her partner. There is nothing sudden about this situation, why don't you read the OP.

To say that everyone should be confident in their own choices regardless of the difficulties that it creates in their life is absurd, and contradicts your own experiences and opinions (in your second post). It is also absolutely no help whatsoever.

Children grow up not knowing what's normal or correct
So it's only normal and correct to be staight!???? Jeeze, I do wonder how old you are.

NO - children are taught by bigoted parents.
No child is born a racist - it is what they learn from their parents and other role models!
Same with being gay/bisexual.

WOW mrsm Just WOW!!!

I genuinely think that the OP should definitely see a counsellor to reconcile some of her own internal constructs. Even if other ladies are "supportive" in so many ways, the feeling inside one's heart does not go away until we make conscious decision which sits well with ourselves. You cannot change your internal radar, it creates suffering. If a path is not for us to walk, then one should not continue to do the same thing but make choices which sits better...

What are 'internal constructs' when they're at home?

Are you gay, maisie?

And if not, how do you know that her feelings must be symptomatic of having made the wrong decision in her relationship, rather than the more obvious reaction to homophobia?

Good god she's internalising the abuse that some people feel they are entitled to dish out. Her relationship is not the cause of this self doubt.

Very mystical Maisie. Still has nothing to do with the bald fact of living your life in the face of abuse and discrimination.

OP, I hope that we haven't scared you away.

Sorry Maisie I'm losing patience with you and mrsm22.

This is a vulnerable fairly insecure woman, as many of us are, who can't cope with an additional layer of pressure, which is understandable. The last thing she needs is to question her relationship, the one source of support that currently exists for her.

Maisie until 1967 it was illegal for two men to have sex with each other.

It was 2000 before the legal age to have sex as a gay person was brought in line with heterosexuals

They have only just been allowed the right to marriage.

Do you think some of this might be to do with huge amounts of prejudice facing gay people?

Bingo unrealhousewife !

This is a vulnerable fairly insecure woman, as many of us are, who can't cope with an additional layer of pressure, which is understandable. The last thing she needs is to question her relationship, the one source of support that currently exists for her.

Many people wrote on here before about "captive mating".... and I also asked the OP honestly whether she saw herself as being in a rebound relationship and she wrote "no". But we always follow the logic on this forum that if someone is emotionally connected with another on a deep level, then this is emotional affair already.

Maybe because I was brought up in a more emotive upbringing whereby I need to care, and to share with other cousins both older and younger than I know when someone is pushing their boundaries onto me in an emotionally coercive way that I will and do recognise this kind of thing when it happens.

I'm sorry if you think that I am not being very emotionally supportive here, but sometimes being too supportive for the sake of it, but causing the other person to continue to have this anxiety is also not good too ! If you read between the line, she was honest and open about her anxiety. I do not understand why so many people do not acknowledge this, and consider for a moment, what is causing her anxious. People are not born to be anxious you know. It is something which happens in the real world which causes us to be anxious. It can be an experience, or it can be an action.

I think the OP needs to stand up and learn to say "no" to her partner and end the relationship too. To me, "fantasizing" about a better past before is actually disconnecting and depersonalising already from what is happening with one's relationship. She needs to ask herself some straight and honest questions on whether this relationship is indeed for herself or not. If it was right, then why does your subconscious mind wander back to a previous past ?

I am all for people wanting a better life for themselves, but I have never actually ever read such honest feelings from a bisexual woman actually questioning her own identity. If anything, more often than not, a lot of people live in isolation and handle this kind of internal turmoil on their own.

WTF?

Where do you get 'emotional affair' from? She is with her partner. It's not a new thing. She's not just recently stopped having sex with her ex. She's in a long-term relationship with a woman.

I can see you are avoiding my other questions, presumably because they make you feel uncomfortable. Does this thread stir up confusing feelings for you, or something? It's the only explanation I can see for you utter failure not to twist every single post.

Also, no clue what 'captive mating' might be.

What is the point of us as bystanders saying and stating that we should support the idea of equality, when we have an actual bisexual woman here questioning her own identity and how she perceives the situation to be and is causing her to feel ill inside ???

Eh?

maisie, you've never given the impression you support the idea of equality.

She's saying she feels shit. She's received physical abuse and wishes she could hold hands with her partner, whom she loves, without getting homophobic wankers having a go.

Can you honestly not see why that might make someone contemplate ending an otherwise happy relationship? Or why it might be, I don't know, a little upsetting?

Maisie I was perfectly clear in my post. You are deliberately misinterpreting what I said.

=she

If somebody told me that they are on the verge of a breakdown, I would do the same thing as usual to ask them to give themselves space and to question things and reflect more. Take themselves out of the situation and then decide. If others' comments are getting so bad, then yes, why not move away to see if this works. Or why not ask for a "break" from her partner if this is affecting her so much? As usual, surely any relationship problems will mean that the other partner should also be understanding and respect her wishes too? At this moment in time, her partner is not even being supportive and understanding of why this is getting her to be so, and she is NOT receiving those emotional support that she is seeking. In a typical heterosexual relationship, what advice would you give to this scenario ? We would have told the OP to leave their partner, or to communicate better. Relationships skills are still important. If her partner does not have those skills, then why is she still in this relationship to begin with ?

when we have an actual bisexual woman here questioning her own identity and how she perceives the situation to be and is causing her to feel ill inside???

Maisie your certainty that the OP is feeling crap because she is not in fact bisexual is just massively overstepping your knowledge and understanding of the situation. It is also absurd because you are assuming that equality is an internal condition and not an external one, which is insupportable nonsense. It is utterly appalling to talk about people needing to learn to be happy with themselves when they are facing discrimination and abuse. If you cannot see that, then you cannot be helped.

But most of all, your belief that sexuality is chosen is both stupid and offensive.

I have thought since your first posts that you are projecting an analogy with your own identity that doesn't work, and projecting onto the OP your own fantasies about how you wish you could have dealt with your own identity problems ie just decided to walk away. I really wish that you would stop.

What, so sexuality can be chosen?

The OP has explained she loves her partner. You're ignoring it because it suits you to push this unpleasant agenda.

Bisexuality doesn't mean you get to 'choose' your sexuality, you know. It means you're attracted to some men and some women.

In a typical heterosexual relationship, the OP wouldn't be getting homophobic abuse, would she?

My advice was to reduce her anxiety

By making her dd stronger,
by moving to a school with a diverse intake and
by reframing her perception of other people looking at her, tobe more optimistic, and
by not feeling as though she has to hold hands to show her love in public as most parents don't do it that much anyway.

Your practical suggestions Maisie seem to be for her to question the validity of her relationship. Fantastic.