Thinking of ending things with DP, because of other people's prejudice. Really need help.

[unbelievablyconfused]

Hi

In a relationship with a woman (am a woman) and we've been together for a few years now.

Overall, I'm very happy with her. In the beginning, although it was a new world to me, as I'd always identified as straight, I was very confident and proud of our relationship. When we got looks or nasty comments, I genuinely didn't give a toss. I was/am too loved up.

As time goes on though, I'm finding it harder to deal with. The comments aren't constant, but we couldn't go out and hold hands without getting a lot of stares at the very least. It shouldn't bother me, but it does. I'm really ashamed to admit this.

She's perfect on so many levels. I love her so much and I can't actually believe that I'm considering bailing because of what others think and say.

I have a daughter, who's still in primary school and I really worry that she will be teased as well. I feel so much responsibility to keep her safe from bullies and I feel like I'm kind of fueling the fire by being in a same sex, albeit loving, relationship.

Due to several circumstances, we're supposed to be moving within the next month or so, but I'm getting cold feet. One reason is to actually get away from the bigots and move to a much more liberal and diverse area.

I don't want to leave her, but I find myself fantasising about a time when I didn't have to worry about what others thought and I could just go out and hold my ex's DP's hand because I was in a straight relationship. Nobody would judge me, or whisper and point. Although I have never been in love like this, life was easier.

Me and DP have even had to deal with phsycial abuse over our relationship. Usually it's just staring, tutting and things like that. Lost a few friends over it too. It certainly showed me who my friends actually were.

I know people will probably tell me that I should just hold my head up high and be proud, but it's so so hard and the pressure I feel right now to make the right decision is immense. This is, by far, the hardest decision I will ever have to make, because it's not just my future, it's my daughter's and she is the most important person in my life.

DP can't relate and thinks I'm massively over thinking this. I haven't told her that I'm actually considering leaving, but I've told her how hard I find it sometimes and how those feelings are gradually increasing.

Because we're supposed to be moving very soon, which means changing school too, I can almost hear the clock counting down, until I make my final decision. I feel sick with worry most days.

I honestly do feel like I'm heading for a breakdown. How do I stop caring about what others think?

Any advice? I'm so incredibly stuck.

TIA

I'm sorry if the OP should indeed be a representation of your "ideologies" rather than for her to feel safe and to be feel good in her own life, despite whatever "concepts" and "theories" you think that the world should be. you say that I have my own agenda, but I also question your own agendas too. Cos you fail to acknowledge and actually even "care" for her comment about the break down. Maybe you like to think of the OP as an actual person who just have perpetual anxiety, but I like to think differ.

Sorry, I am not staying for this kind of theoretical debate as per usual. It is not adding any value to me or to the OP. I have said what I need to say, it is down to the OP to realise whether she finds it useful or not.

And dare I say and think that the others can do a better in advicing a bisexual woman when they themselves are not bisexual to begin with ? Very dangerous ground imho.

It seems to me that you guys do not believe in the power of a gut instinct and an internal compass. I shall say no more.

You mean you're off in a huff because we pointed out you didn't read the OP properly?

I'm bisexual. Not sure it makes my advice any better or worse, because where I start from is the belief (which you seem to struggle with) that the OP might be telling the truth that homophobic shite is getting her down. You prefer pushing the ideology that she shouldn't really be bisexual, don't you?

I feel the thread will be pleasanter with you gone, TBH.

'The Power of an Internal Compass: How I De-Gayed Myself and Learned To Love the Bomb'.

You should publish it.

OP can I make a suggestion?

Look at how many people on this thread think what you are doing is normal and fine and healthy.

Look how many don't.

Now because most of think you are a in a normal healthy relationship how many of us would make a comment in the real world?

None of us, because you don't go up to people in a healthy stable relationships and say "congratulations for being a normal healthy person in a relationship).

You only speak up when you have something negative to say. And thos people are usually the dumbest loudest. .

The vast majority of people don't even notice you let alone care who you are sleeping with. Don't le ta tiny tinny bigoted minority of people tell you how to be with someone just because they are the loudest!

OP, I understand your concern abour your daughter not being bullied. But you cannot protect your child from reality entirely. I agree with previous posters about trying to move to a more tolerant area and try to make things as natural for your daughter as possible.

I was bullied as a child, for many years. Because I read books. Because my parents were the bookish type and not as concerned with status and money as most of my schoolmaters' parents were. Should my parents have told me to stop reading?

There's nothing wrong with your or with your daughter. If you change who you are because of other people's prejudices, you will only be fooling yourself, and killing a part of yourself, too. Help your daughter, by all means. But not by teaching her to conform at all costs.

'Anti-heterosexual bigoted views'?!

Are you serious?

Sorry, OP, I should stop feeding the troll on your thread.

So, Maisie, are you married? If you were married to someone of a different race, and either you or your DP got harrassed (socially and physically) for being with a partner of a different race, you'd be happy to leave him, right? It's only love, after all, and that's disposable. You can easily change your situation to avoid all that harrassment, right?

I'm horrified by some of the posts here. Some truly homophobic and bigoted views. Some posters should be ashamed of themselves.

Op I really feel for you. I am a straight woman and I can't pretend to understand all the ins and outs of being gay but I do know (as demonstrated by this thread) some people can be so narrow minded their brains are pencil thin.

I think if I were you I'd go with the move to a more liberal area and see how you feel then. You say you love your partner. Love doesn't happen often and is worth pursuing.

My other thought is that as a gay or bisexual woman you could find yourself in this situation again should you choose to end this relationship now.

I don't live in a liberal area. I am in tory south norfolk but even in our community I haven't heard anyone say anything anti gay or bisexual. I also don't hold with the view that children are somehow confused or damaged by their parents entering into a gay relationship. What a load of bollocks. It comes from their parents attitude- if everyone taught their children that being gay was as normal as liking butter on toast or not then it wouldn't matter to anyone whether dad's new partner was a man or a woman.

I also think people tend to enjoy being nasty about anything. Not the same in some ways I know but my dh is literally covered in tattoos from his neck down and he loves them and has spent £000s on them. He doesn't care if others like them or not but there is no need to be rude to him if he is wearing a t shirt in summer. Today we have been to the park with our toddler son and he's had people staring, making rude remarks and having a go. People can be such moody sods. Honestly does it affect their life? No.

Op I can only wish you well and hope you can find some peace in your life x

No, I am not married. Yes, I have pondered about the interracial marriage thing, and actually, there is a part of me that has to consider this seriously. Afterall, my preference is indeed to choose someone of the same race, or value as I have. Because on a day to day level, I get a lot of passive aggressiveness and lack of genuine connection with me, even in something as simple as food. I do want to be able to sit down and have a meal with a partner without antagonism. It is indeed important for me to find someone with similar values so that we can indeed form a more stable relationship. I also do realise which kind of person ticks me off and makes me feel anxious inside too.

Yes, even my family STILL get physically abused, and my nephew still get taunted at school. Even 2 generation in. Or 3, or whatever. It still happens, and some people still show prejudices, yes, they do. My brother handles it very well, and I normally play the diplomatic card down to a tee, because I don't want to alarm the children themselves, but of course, I am livid inside. They are ignorant and they do not know any better. It is indeed not right, but I also do not kick up a fuss either. In fact, there is a lot of articles to state that the racial group that I come from are very harmonious. This is actually true because there is a cultural aspect too which my family followed.

The passive aggressiveness can manifest itself as a form of loyalty towards either the idea of the cause of whatever it is like Arsebadger had shown here. Because she had a parent who was homosexual. Yet, can you see how rude she is towards MrsM&M ??

Did you also see and read LRD's response also too ? Hidden passive aggressiveness and not being open minded either.

For me, I did that personality test thing because I realised that personality compatibility is beyond race or beyond communities. To me, this is more important, to have a strong spiritual bond. I do have actual friendships with some homosexual female friends whom I have met when we were young. We can pick things up and then leave it too. Our emotional connection does not break. But it is not a relationship.

Anti-heterosexual bigoted views.

It is well hard being part of the straight majority. Tis true

'I do have actual friendships with some homosexual female friends whom I have met when we were young. We can pick things up and then leave it too. Our emotional connection does not break. But it is not a relationship.'

I am realizing by now that asking you questions just sparks off more pseudo-spiritual waffling and hints about how bad The Gay is for you, but what on earth does this mean?

You mean you've lesbian mates who aren't in relationships with you, a (presumably) straight woman? Well, no shit, Sherlock, I wonder why they don't fancy that.

You do get that the OP's relationship isn't, like, totally the same as your friendship with someone who's gay? That she's actually in a sexual relationship with her partner whom she loves?

I am not sure how pointing this out is rude, or lacking in open-mindedness. I'm not very sure what was passive about the aggression with which I pointed out I don't like homophobia, either.

Afterall, my preference is indeed to choose someone of the same race, or value as I have

Right-oh, now I see. (FWIW, me and all my siblings are all different colours, and we've all had babies with people of different races than ourselves. If my DS ever, ever came home saying the quote above, I'd be seriously disappointed in him.)

Confronting prejudice is a good thing, and that's what Arsebadger was doing. It's illuminating that you have a problem with her posts, but not MrsM&M. If that is really how you think, I'm out.

But in her circumstance, she can indeed change this because it is sexuality

Don't be silly, you can't choose who you're attracted to! This is the kind of bigotted myths that were mentioned earlier in the thread.

Please try and scialise with people outside of your comfort zone. It's worth the effort because there's a lot of people you ostracise with these kind of views.

If you are worried about how your DD will see things. Take a good look at the example that Arsebadger showed here. She may have actual loyalty towards you but then she will indeed show some attitude towards others and be defensive or show passive aggressiveness here.

For me, I used to be like her, have a chip on my shoulder, and I have overcome this myself, on my own. I found my own way to let go. You may or may not have done this before, but this is a very true reality for most. My nephew still get teased verbally at school for being a different race. He TOO gets these "poems" and touting about his eyes and his knees (yes, you know that singsong). In fact, the child learnt it off his own dad. My brother is still livid, and I am also livid too but we share this pain privately at home and we still overcome this anger and still be tolerant and accepting when we see other people's children because we just think that they are too young to know any different. I try to show him the differences between himself and others and come to accept and also to respect the differences too. Because he did not understand it.

You cannot control so many aspect of how the world shall be in the future, and you may or may not change your DD either, and she may or may not internalise her own anger and create a kind of perpetual passive aggression inside of herself, but it can be a possibility. She may or may not rebel against you. That is not something that you can control.

When a child receives prejudices, this is what happens.

I can also say to you that, my sister is similar. She is in an interracial marriage also, which my mother was against originally, and came to accept, and only in recent years, after her first baby, she was confused, and now said that she wanted a divorce. She also married someone of her exact opposite in terms of personality and temperament. It was also a rebound relationship for her too. She found her identity again through being with other ladies of similar racial background as herself to ground herself again. My sister and her husband used to fight over the most pettiest of things like food. He was so disrespectful and I had to even see my mother go beyond herself to try and please him. Differences in couples can create conflicts and it does pass onto children.

The other thing is, if you have come from those background and if you share this kind of open and honest information, then others will and shall call you names regardless any way ! Because voicing the truthful background information actually makes one a "hater".... even when in reality, I am asking you to ponder and to think over things.

To me, I see Arsebadger as holding a chip on her shoulder. If anything. She had no insight that others have or had also received prejudices too in their life time of course. There is absolutely no reason for me to hate her, and she has absolutely no reason to hate me.

We have a solution to all the problems of the world, fellow MNers! When confronted by prejudice, make sure you capitulate! Don't be gay, don't associate with people outside your own racial group, and be sure to blame any problems on those being victimised, not those doing the victimisation!

Thanks, Masie. You've opened my eyes.

*Don't be silly, you can't choose who you're attracted to! This is the kind of bigotted myths that were mentioned earlier in the thread.

Please try and scialise with people outside of your comfort zone. It's worth the effort because there's a lot of people you ostracise with these kind of views.*

And please do understand that you are trying to make the situation worst for the OP when in reality she now has a mental health issue at hand, and you are not helping her to define and decide on this. She cannot accept your worldview either, but need to explore it for herself. She had not been a bisexual woman before but the act that her environment is showing her the reality of the situation is causing conflict in her heart.

I sometimes see this on MN and my heart skips a beat when this happens.

Is this the "loving kindness of strangers" but it is actually helping the OP kill her inside too ? If the OP is entirely happy about her relationship then she would not be thinking about leaving her partner to begin with. There is more than mere hatred from others that causes the situation to begin with. Meltdowns of a person's identity is more than beyond one's input socially on a forum.

Maisie why can you not see that to assume that the OP and her partner are incompatible based ostensibly on the OP's posts but ultimately because you believe that homosexuality is little more than a lifestyle choice is offensive?

I'm sure everyone on this thread agrees that finding a partner you're fundamentally compatible with is the best path for you and your children (though it's bloody difficult). To assume that you can or should do this using race or gender as a proxy is racist, homophobic thinking.

Rooty Have you read that the OP wrote that she is bisexual and not a homosexual ?

There is more than mere hatred from others that causes the situation to begin with

How do you know this? Are you not also making the OP's situation worse by suggesting things that may or may not be true and painting them as "the truth"? You're dogmatic persistence that you are correct and others aren't isn't portraying you as particularly open minded to a differing worldview either.

The mental health issue seems to be being used as a vehicle in which to project your own views.

Are you also not peddlng lies about peoples sexuality being a choice, when it is an intrinsic part of who they are?

I would say that you are judging me based on what I am saying here, but I am extending myself and actually tried to see this more impartially for the OP's sake. Because she wrote that she did not intended to be in this kind of relationship to begin with and is indeed actually a new world for her. She is questioning now what this all means for her. This is not my story here, but I am going by what she wrote here. I used to take homosexuals with a pinch of salt, if they say this, then it is this, and if they say that, then it is that. I also do have homosexual friends too, and I have also been there for them and listened to their stories when they were down. I have never had a bisexual woman tell me that she questions her own identity. I'd assume that by now she would know if she is a homosexual or not. That is why I am suggesting counselling.

And yes, with a typical subject like this, as well as the usual topic of race, or any other sensitive topics like that, it is often said that those who voices anything which is against the grain is automatically labelled "hater". So okay, well... end of subject. Let's leave the OP in suffering and not have the ability to find her own answers.

I wish her luck, cos she will need it ! Maybe she needs to join some kind of lesbian and gay group or other for support and not on MN. Because the perception will be biased won't it ?

I'm sure everyone on this thread agrees that finding a partner you're fundamentally compatible with is the best path for you and your children (though it's bloody difficult). To assume that you can or should do this using race or gender as a proxy is racist, homophobic thinking.

To also say that life experience does not change you somewhat as a person is also quite naive. Take a good example already with Arsebadger's response is a good one already. She already defended her position as the child of a homosexual couple. I myself have ot defended myself from a racial angle and was diplomatic to be inclusive of all, and I get judged ? That is actually very rich. Most people do the right thing and tried to form harmony for all. If I have done so that is so wrongfully, I do apologise, and I apologise for all of the diplomacy shown by my family as well. Because we obviously are in the wrong to even feel annoyed or angry at being prejudiced against and overcame it personally, without shouting or screaming at others for being ignorant but perfectly valid.