DH resentful about being the sole earner

[TheresARatinMyKitchenWhatAmIGo]

In arguments, DH brings up the fact that I gave up work and that he is the sole earner. He works very hard, feels quite stressed, and if he in any way thinks I am judging him, he brings out this bitterness that I am not earning.

As far as I am concerned this is ancient history. I gave up work 7 years ago, and we agreed it at the time. However, he now remembers it as my unilateral decision. In any case it is usually fairly irrelevant to the argument we are having, but because he feels stressed with work, he always brings it up as a way to score points. Look how hard I work, you're not working etc. And I can’t argue with that because it’s true. So it’s a sure fire winner for him.

He thinks I resent him for working hard and never being around, and that I am unsupportive. Whereas I think I am very supportive, I am very grateful for all his hard work, and I don't give him a hard time about his working hours, or the hours that he spends on hobbies. I merely sometimes express concern about his hours of work, and wish he could manage his job without always working the 12 hour days every day, plus looking at work on his laptop evenings and weekends. I listen to him talking about work and try to help him suggesting he delegates more, sets boundaries around his working hours, stuff like that. But this is unsupportive apparently, and I don't understand.

We are very comfortably off, and although we have huge overheads, private school fees, mortgage, expensive lifestyle, we also have plenty of assets, and his very good salary. When I gave up my job, I had a bit of time as a SAHM and I have been retraining for the last 3 years in a new career. This involves working for no pay a couple of days a week, and studying for a doctorate. At the same time, I look after our 3 children, manage the house and do the cooking and laundry.

He is now giving me a hard time about when my training will be finished, because then I can get a job. I find this pressure unhelpful because it is quite hard to study and do everything else that I do. And we are not hard up. We recently bought a holiday house, because he fancied. it. So it's not like we are struggling because I am not working. If that were the case, I would try and get a job. I think that him bringing this up is a way for him to beat me in arguments and make me feel bad. And diverting the discussion to something he knows he can win. Because I can't really argue, that yes, he earns all the money.

He earns more than I ever did in my previous career. Is it so wrong that one of us works and the other doesn’t? Will he ever get over it or stop using it as a weapon?

OP I have experienced similar comments about being "unsupportive" during conversations about work issues with my (workaholic) DH. I think in part it can be due to a difference in expectations. I assume that if he tells me about a problem and says he doesn't know how to fix it then he is asking for my input about possible solutions. Whereas he assumes that he is just blowing off steam and wants me to agree that he is in the right/hard-done-by/put-upon etc. I am by nature a bit of a "fixer" and am good at analysing problems, and I also work in a similar job so think I my opinion might be helpful. He regards any attempt to approach a problem from a different angle (such as trying to get him to see someone else's point of view) as hostile and unsupportive. So communication can be a factor, but personality has a lot to do with it.

I have learned that I can't really win in these conversations - if I offer my opinion I am unsupportive, but if I make non-committal comments or just reflect back to him that xyz must be difficult/frustrating etc then apparently I am also being unsupportive .

I really hope for your sake that your DH will step up when you go back to paid work. A good starting point might be to sit down together with a list of what needs to be done and calendar of important dates, and write down who has agreed to do what. If it is written down there is less opportunity for him to revise history later on and claim that he didn't undertake to do something.

If it turns out that he keeps promising to do things but doesn't follow through so that you are left to pick up the pieces, I would strongly suggest that you allocate to "his" list of tasks things that have consequences only for him if he doesn't do them - so things like his own laundry, packed lunch etc. Then if he doesn't do them he is only inconveniencing himslef rather than you or the DCs. It isn't a perfect solution be any means, but it is an approach that has helped to save my sanity under similar circumstances.

I really think it is. If its not childcare and its not bringing in money at that stage of life then it is quite indulgent.

Fine if the family are financially well off and the poor sod doing all the earning is fine with the situation but that is NOT the case here.

Wouldn't everyone love to do more studying??!! I for one would but will be waiting until within the family unit there is just less to do!

However on the dh stepping up in the house when you go back to work OP, you must make sure this happens. Equal division of labour and/or outsourcing as much as possible is the only way it can work.

pomme the OP isn't just "doing more studying", she is gaining qualifications in order to re-enter the workforce, because she is unable to return to her previous career. What is self-indulgent about that? If the OP was a lone parent and was gaining qualifications so that she could come off benefits and get a job would you be quite so critical? Why should the OP be denied a chance to return to fulfilling work just because her husband is a high earner?

Her husband has been able to pursue a high-flying career because he has been able to concentrate solely on this while the OP took care of domestic and childcare responsibilities. His career, I imagine, has been largely unaffected by having children. Hers, on the other hand, ended. So now she has to be penalised again by taking any old job just to bring a wage in, while he continues his stimulating, challenging career? How is that fair?

Studying for a PhD isn't a cushy thing at all. Does scottishmummy really have a PhD? She can't even write proper sentences . Mine is in engineering/computer science, where most can't write. But at least I try to write properly. mind boggles

I guess other people manage this so we will have to get more help. Either you'll have to do all the childcare responsibilities or you'll have to get help if he's working 7 to 7. My DH and I share and we both take time off or work from home when we need to. And there are all those meeting overruns or meetings you can't shift at nursery (school for you) pick up and drop off time. We cover for each other. Even a very strict 9 to 5 job like ours still can cause problems sometimes with nursery pick ups and drop offs. I hear school years are a lot harder. And 7 to 7 means he'll have to adjust massively to help with them.

pommedeterre Wed 11-Jun-14 12:12:53
I really think it is. If its not childcare and its not bringing in money at that stage of life then it is quite indulgent.

But how do you suggest she fixes the 'not earning' bit if she doesn't retrain?

pomme I would agree with you if her DH wasn't self indulgent himself by spending his free time doing triathlon and buying a very expensive holiday house, none of which the OP has a say on.

On the other side, she has stopped work with his full agreement, and can't go back to her old job. So to be able to go back to work, she is studying. What's wrong with that?
I mean surely her DH, who is very senior and has lots of responsibilities in business, should have know that would happen or that she would stop working completely because of the nature of her job. Or was he expecting her to take whatever job comes over just because ... Ah yes she is a mum now so doesn't a career, a fulfilling job etc.

I agree that it sounds like he prefers to ignore issues rather than tackling them or he would like to see his dw working whilst still doing all the childcare/housework and doesn't want to know it's not going to happen but hen you can't bring them again and again in any argument.
You could also say that the OP not working/studying has saved them X amount of money to allow him to be so senior. Maybe he needs a reminder of that too, that you not working is actually worth X amount next time he uses that argument.

I suspect that scottishmummy is bored and taking the piss. If not I would like to know the name of the institution that awarded her a doctorate so that I can avoid it.

However because she is echoing the (deliberately guilt-inducing) opinions of the OP's DH, the OP is listening to her .

Pomme - based on that studying at ANY time is self indulgent.

Sorry, but that's a load of crock.

Even if a family isn't 'wealthy' studying while you have young children is frequently the BEST time to do it.

You have more flexibility with your hours so are available for children's drop off and pick ups. You have similar holidays. Often the previous job isn't suitable to return to so retraining is essential once you have children.

As long as they aren't in POVERTY, training with young children is, quite frankly, one of THE MOST sensible things a woman can do!!!!

Otherwise you just become a mummy martyr, can't go back to your old job, can't do a new one, and end up having to take any old rubbish job while your 'D'H has worked his way up to a fabulous job which earns loads.

Pfffttt to that!

I do think that taking the decision to be a sahm when the kids are tiny is one that is made far too quickly and easily by some women. I think it has a massive consequence on your career and women have to own and understand the implications of the sahm decision.

OP decided not to go back to work ultimately. Unless her dh forced her to stay at home she made the decision to break her CV and put her career back of her own free will.

I still think a lot of us (probably including the OPs dh tbh) would like the space to decide to retrain and to complete a doctorate.

Also, whilst there may be exceptions it is not like a phD = automatic great wage.

I don't want to comment on 'lone parents on benefits' as I feel individual situations will be far more nuanced than that description suggests.

I feel for you Op and understand. Same boat here. Not quite that lifestyle but confirtable. I never wanted not to work, dh wanted me at home. Pressure from him plus ligistic made me stop after Dd2. I have been resentful ever since. Then all of a sudden dh thought it was time for me to 'contribute' (?) and 'help him out' and so started pushing me into earning. Obviously you have to find a job that works around the children and that does not mesn extra work for him. Apparently these jobs are very easy to find. (!)
Luckily for me I found one. Thought it would equal things out.

It didn't.

What I earn is of course a pittance compare to his salary. So it always ends up with "i pay for all this, you are an ungrateful cow!" (plus he can choose where and how to spend HIS money, you probably have to pass it through him.)

What I do, which is a lot, is invisible. (Although I recently thought that one could then say if the earner owns the money the look afterer owns the children - it sounds so daft it makes me puke so it is not something I'd use).

Ps I was also studying for an MA. Very hard with kids. That was seen as a luxury.

As you say, I have realised after 10 years that it is a case of "a stck to bash you with" as you say and that my marriage is a battle of attrition rather than the relationship I wanted. (I personally do not yet know what to do with this realisation but I hope you are not quite in this position).

The amount of money you have does not mean anything. Have friend with a very lavish lifestyle (talking yachts, second homes everywhere etc) where the wife who is wanted at hime is not only the poor relation but also is treated as a scrounger.

I found all this extremely and devastatingly sad because my dh, as prob your Dh, are not nasty men. Just raised that way and selfish. A shame really.

What I can't get over is...

Say the OP gets a FT job in public sector (still responsible for all domestic and childcare duties of course, Mr Big Swinging Dick clearly isn't going to step up).
After tax, NI and childcare, I can't imagine she'll clear much more than £15k a year.

So she's going to be working full time PLUS doing all home stuff for TEN FUCKING YEARS just to pay off the debt on a holiday home she didn't even want?

I'd be fucking livid, myself.

IWalkinthesun - that is a very sad story. I'm really sorry this has happened to you.

I don't always agree with her but scottishmummy is a longstanding MNer and has a distinctive posting style. She won't utter flannel and is the first to say it's just words on a screen. After a few encounters I am inclined to think she's bright and toying with posters.

Sorry for going off topic.

IWalkinTheSun that is not looking like a recipe for a happy relationship. Does he really use the term ungrateful cow?

Thank you pomme. Me too. I really did not see it coming when we met. He seemed so ... normal. I am taking it as a lesson learned from my part.

Sorry op, lots of sumpathies little help. I am stuck.

ive not read the whole thread so not sure if this has been asked before? what kind of job are you wanting to do that requires you to have PhD? PhDs are taking studying to the extreme and very few people actually do them, for a variety of reasons, or need them for their place of work.

WTAF does it matter whether someone is longstanding or not? Just because you're signed up to a website for a period of time doesn't make SM special (or any other poster me inc.!). Piffle and poppycock.

Who said "special" Minnie I was trying to say (obviously an epic fail) that it is derailing to harp on about one contributor who holds a different pov.

Donkeys, yes he did, more than once, in anger but I know he does think that. Because his starting point, you see, is that of being a 'generous and modern husband': "how many of your friends' husband share thrir salaries with their wives?" I get to hear. Which always leaves me speechless because there's so much wrong with this that I don't know where to start, cannot be bothered much anymore tbh.

So he is magnanous and modern because he compares itself with his dad. I think he is as old fashioned and a bit chauvinistic as I compare him with equal relationship scandi style. Ans that's the rel in a nutshell.

I could go on but it is not my thread and I've highjacked it enough.

Apol for typos I am on the phone

Having seen many friends in similar situations to op, it sounds like the DH's commitments (be it work, sport, whatever) will always trump his wife's his his opinion . When she does finish her doctorate & go out to work he certainly won't pick up any slack in the home or with the children & her lower salary will be another stick to (figuratively speaking) beat her. I doubt for one minute he'd give up his high powered job for better work/family balance so the problem here is his attitude & bar LTB I'm not convinced anything will change.

pomme every individual situation is nuanced, not just those at the lower end of the economic scale. I was trying to make the point that there were likely to be some scenarios where you would think that studying and retraining was a reasonable course of action.

OP decided not to go back to work ultimately. Unless her dh forced her to stay at home she made the decision to break her CV and put her career back of her own free will.

This is a very slippery slope. The OP made a joint decision with her DH that she would give up work. They had young children - someone had to look after them and the DH wasn't offering to do it. Maybe the OP's previous job wasn't compatible with part-time working, maybe she too worked long hours in a pressured job pre-DC and didn't see how she could continue that, maybe she just didn't want her children in childcare 8-6 every day. I imagine she gave up work because she felt obliged to. I doubt there was too much "free will" in her decision.

Like the OP and IWalk, I have a workaholic DH. I didn't stop working after DCs, but after DC2 it became clear that I would be unable to keep up with particular professional requirements that were mandatory to remain on my previous career path, because I was doing 95% of all domestic and child-related work and had a DH that was out at work from 8am until 9pm most days (of his own volition). So I "chose" to take a sideways move and am now doing a similar job for about 1/3 of the money I earned before. There wasn't a lot of free will involved in that "choice" either.

my marriage is a battle of attrition rather than the relationship I wanted. (I personally do not yet know what to do with this realisation)

Me too, IWalk .

my dh, as prob your Dh, are not nasty men. Just raised that way and selfish.

Until recently that was my view of it too. But I now have the less charitable opinion that persistently side-lining the needs, feelings and wishes of the person you claim to love so that you can pursue your own agenda is nasty.

I am going to copy this article here because I think it is relevant in that it shows the underlying mentality.

www.theguardian.com/money/2014/may/31/costs-childcare-britain-sweden-compare

If you read carefully the swedish wife talks always about our money, our choice, etc (aside for the obvious "I never thought I would not go back to work, I have studied for it". I wonder what all these husband expect their daughters do with their expensive hard gained private ed they paid for when the next man will tell them it is not so important and to stay at home. My Dh has never been able to reply jockingly except for "they'll never marry!" )
In the british family all the childcare costs are put in relation with the wife's salary, rather than the household one. Of course in this predicament the wife always loses, whether she works or not. And the asvantages, of either sah or going back to work, are shared equally. For example a wife going back to work will mean more money for the household, whatever it will be after childcare cost but more work/juggling overall for the couple. A sahp means less childcare and the chance to concentrate more on the job for the wahp.

Another point it emerges is the flexibility, not just of the swedish system, but of the roles within the couple. One could work f/t first and the go p/t. One could stay at home and then swap. This hardly happens. Once the breadwinner forever the breadwinner, no matter how unhappy it makes you feel and how much it drives you to the ground. Which is what seems to be happening here, and to me. The dh wants his wife's role to change, but when has he changed his? I for example went from a f/t worker to maternity leave, to p/t, to sahm, to MA student with a 4 and a 2 yo, a teacher a foreign language to primary school children, to another p/t job in a completely different field. I adapted and changed to suit the family needs, def often not my own. My dh has been in the same job, same position throughout, doing at home as much or as little as he has always done. How can that be healthy?

Btw, i am not swedish.