DH resentful about being the sole earner

[TheresARatinMyKitchenWhatAmIGo]

In arguments, DH brings up the fact that I gave up work and that he is the sole earner. He works very hard, feels quite stressed, and if he in any way thinks I am judging him, he brings out this bitterness that I am not earning.

As far as I am concerned this is ancient history. I gave up work 7 years ago, and we agreed it at the time. However, he now remembers it as my unilateral decision. In any case it is usually fairly irrelevant to the argument we are having, but because he feels stressed with work, he always brings it up as a way to score points. Look how hard I work, you're not working etc. And I can’t argue with that because it’s true. So it’s a sure fire winner for him.

He thinks I resent him for working hard and never being around, and that I am unsupportive. Whereas I think I am very supportive, I am very grateful for all his hard work, and I don't give him a hard time about his working hours, or the hours that he spends on hobbies. I merely sometimes express concern about his hours of work, and wish he could manage his job without always working the 12 hour days every day, plus looking at work on his laptop evenings and weekends. I listen to him talking about work and try to help him suggesting he delegates more, sets boundaries around his working hours, stuff like that. But this is unsupportive apparently, and I don't understand.

We are very comfortably off, and although we have huge overheads, private school fees, mortgage, expensive lifestyle, we also have plenty of assets, and his very good salary. When I gave up my job, I had a bit of time as a SAHM and I have been retraining for the last 3 years in a new career. This involves working for no pay a couple of days a week, and studying for a doctorate. At the same time, I look after our 3 children, manage the house and do the cooking and laundry.

He is now giving me a hard time about when my training will be finished, because then I can get a job. I find this pressure unhelpful because it is quite hard to study and do everything else that I do. And we are not hard up. We recently bought a holiday house, because he fancied. it. So it's not like we are struggling because I am not working. If that were the case, I would try and get a job. I think that him bringing this up is a way for him to beat me in arguments and make me feel bad. And diverting the discussion to something he knows he can win. Because I can't really argue, that yes, he earns all the money.

He earns more than I ever did in my previous career. Is it so wrong that one of us works and the other doesn’t? Will he ever get over it or stop using it as a weapon?

Theresarat, this sounds to me like is a respect issue. He does not respect or value you. Why that is, you need to work out and choose how you want to act on it.

I have no doubt, that once you start to work, your job won't be seen as important as you won't earn as much as him so you are always going to be beneath him, in his eyes.

Start to photopcpy all financials etc too. I'd start play wise and to watch him closely.

The problem is that you can't just put down a career and, seven years later, hop back into it.

And I don't think it is fair to say to a woman who used to be a professional in whatever field, 'right, you have to get any old job and earn some money'. She should be absolutely entitled to re-train, catch up and work at the same level she used to work at.

Which is what the OP is doing.

Also, any spouse who insists on the other working has to be prepared to go take proper responsibility (not just "helping out") for the childcare, household tasks and all that entails (like taking time off work to look after sick children, children on holiday and when the nanny can't get in, to take the car to the garage, the dog to the vet etc etc etc).

I do not get the impression that OP's H is prepared to do one iota of all that. Which means she is going to go back to work full time AND have to manage everything else.

Which is really very unfair.

Op, does he actually realise how much his life is going to change when you go back to work?

He wants to share the financial burden but does he want to share the domestic burden?

I think he has a shock coming.

But caspar the problem is that the DH's life won't change if he decides he doesn't want it to. You can't force a selfish person to step up if they don't want to (god knows I've tried!). I strongly suspect, like dollius and others, that the OP will go back to work and the DH won't do any more than he does now, so she will end up working and doing everything else. And if she dares to complain he will come back with "but you wanted to go back to work*..."

Or, more likely, "my job is more important than your job so I can't possibly bother myself with trivia such as school runs or children's parties!"

Yeah I don't know how we are going to manage it. He is out 7 til 7 at least. My current schedule is a bit flexible so I can attend school assemblies, give the dog a quick walk, stick some washing on etc. but that is going to get harder. I guess other people manage this so we will have to get more help.

Op, I do feel for you.

I'm not working at the mo and don't have children and DH doesn't give a fig. I am feeling guilty and planning to make a career change shortly though.

I'm afraid the "I want you to work full time but I'm not going to step up to the plate on the domestic front" attitude would be a deal breaker for me. It just implies he doesn't value you or 'women's work'.

Lack of sex because you are too tired from doing everything will be your fault too.

We will see if he steps up or not. When he runs out of clean pants, you never know what will happen. It is partly up to me to stand firm and not take on too much so that it is fair.

Yes, definitely stand firm.

Your new standard response could be, "You wanted me to work full time...".

Very best of luck.

I think studying in a family with small children is quite indulgent to be honest. It is probably the time spent studying/working for free that is confusing him and causing resentment.

He probably has things he would like to study and volunteer work he would like to do for free, as we all do...

OP, I wouldn't make the mistake of thinking that scottishmummy & your husband share a 'side'. scm pov seems largely based on envy of what she sees as a 'cushy' lifestyle; your husband's is based on a refusal to take responsibility for his own choices, blaming you for his stress instead.

I've no doubt in his imagination, your working FT would not include him sharing household and childcare duties. He will expect you to work full time and do all the house/childcare because he works longer hours, earns more, and has the more 'important' job.

Realistically, if you work FT he will resent you for having to do the house/child stuff, because it adds to his burden of stress.

I highly suspect that even if you slugged your guts out to do both, he will move the goalposts, and will resent you for something else.

Until he takes responsibility for his workaholism and financial choices such as the second home, he will never resolve his stress.

I am a high earner. My perspective on this has changed over the years. DH has always chosen to work even when financially this was not required. Earlier in my career (but when I was already on a decent wage), DH had a fairly lengthy (maybe 8 months) period of involuntary unemployment. Altough my wage was more than enough to cover our expenses (and still have some savings), I did not really like it - it felt like I had moved from choosing to do that job to having to do it, and being in the situation where where I felt I "had" to really changed how I felt about it. I guess in a high pressure environment I felt more comfortable with having an escape route (that I could give it up if it became too much and we would still manage).

Now, I think would absolutely love it if DH gave up work or went much more part time (it came up last year when DH was looking for a move and he had 2 options, 1 full time and one part - I really wanted him to take the part time role - in part for my benefit but also for the children's - but obviosuly his decision). I think the difference in my mindset is we now have more capital (and no mortgage) and could to a large extent maintain an ok lifestyle even if I gave up my current job and found a more normal job with much better work life balance. Hence, I have my escape route anyway even without DH working and I now see the benefits in our home life being much less chaotic. We are always massively behind on our personal admin etc. I suspect your DH does not realise that you working would add to his stress in different ways, in that I imagine if you were working FT he would need to do more around the house, with the children etc. Clearly it is possible to outsource a lot, but there are always some things you need (or want) to do yourself.

I think there are 2 things you need to discuss with your DH:

1. How would you working help your DH in his mind? Ie would he cut back/change his job if you did? Or is it about building up capital more quickly so he can retire earlier or does he want an even better liefestyle with more income? Or is it just about wanting to feel there is an escape route if it gets too much? if the latter, you might want to test whether in your current situation he really needs that.

1. Also worth pointing out the impact you working will have on his contribution at home (assuming here that he woudl need to do more if you worked).

He probably has things he would like to study and volunteer work he would like to do for free, as we all do...

It's this sort of comment which really pisses me off. He has merrily continued in his career for the last seven years, whereas she has not.

The reason she has not is to facilitate his career. Not sure he would have got as far as he has without a wife at home juggling all the domestic duties, esp while kids are so small.

She, on the other hand, HAS to retrain etc in order to either resume the career she had or start a new one which is on a par with her old one.

What do you expect her to do?

What would you have her do instead pommedeterre? Have you read the thread?

Lots of different things in this thread. It isn't all about work, it is about communication and values etc.

Firstly, if you are not talking about you not earning, in any given conversation / argument, don't let it go there (ha ha easier said than done). say " we are not talking about that now, we are talking about x, y, z. We can talk about that another time, but now back to -"

(but then you do have to talk about it another time)

This stood out for me though:

"I listen to him talking about work and try to help him suggesting he delegates more, sets boundaries around his working hours, stuff like that."

Sorry but this sounds incredibly annoying. I get stuff from my dp when he thinks I am doing too much at work and frankly, he hasn't a clue. He has no idea how few instances of appearing not to give quite enough of a shit can lose you respect and, quite quickly, your job. It is bonkers but true.
My company, for instance, has set itself stupid targets over the next few years. The first year we will definitely miss them, with our new team coming into place, and might get away with it. After that, we are pretty sure to miss them again, and again, and heads will roll. I didn't set these unrealistic targets but I will be vulnerable when we inevitably miss them. Keeping a client waiting 24 hours rather than bashing something out at 9pm to keep them happy is the kind of thing that can't not be done. Next financial year, figures are going to come in, there is going to be tutting and head shaking, people will be let go. Those who are let go will take a while to get other jobs because in my industry there has been a huge amount of consolidation and now there are hardly any players. DP has no idea. He works in a different sector and thinks people should be able to work set hours, etc.

Please stop talking about how he should be doing his job. He sounds like he is doing alright, to put it mildly.

Having said, that it sounds like he doesn't remotely understand your life either.

I think you have to do two separate things in terms of communication:

1 - hold the "what do you want?" conversation. Talk realistically about when and how much he expects you to earn, and what it will mean for your family. Agree key points.

2 - that you can remind him of if he ever tries to use any of this as a diversionary tactic - "we talked about this and agreed a, b, c. Right now we are talking about - "

I think studying in a family with small children is quite indulgent to be honest.

You have GOT to be kidding????!!!!!

This has got to be the worst comment on here tbh. Studying at ANYTIME is NOT self indulgent if the family is doing ok financially.

I'm sorry but this comment has really upset me......

I should also add that most (but not all) of my female colleagues in similar roles have DHs/DPs who also WOH. Most (but not all) of my male colleagues have wives who are SAHMs. Where both work, colleagues tend to live very centrally to minimise commute time, which means less space for the money. Those with SAHPs tend to live in large house with grounds in the home counties (although admittedly have a commute. Also, although on the face of it where both work there is more income, in reality the second income tends to be a smallish proportion of the total (on the basis that one needs to be in a position that they have regular hours to make it work for the children), so with childcare costs and other help, it is not a noticeable difference. Where both work, there are invariably tales of the stress of juggling, being really behind on admin etc., whihc you just dont get form those with a SAHP.

Overall, I would say those with a SAHP would appear to have an easier lifestyle and generally less stressed overall.

"Also, although on the face of it where both work there is more income, in reality the second income tends to be a smallish proportion of the total (on the basis that one needs to be in a position that they have regular hours to make it work for the children), so with childcare costs and other help, it is not a noticeable difference."

This is really key, in terms of the "have the realistic conversation about what he wants". He may not understand this.

Allhailqueenmab - thanks for your input.
I don't think I tell him how to do his job. He talks to me about work all the time and uses me as a sounding board. I take your point that I don't really understand his environment - but he chooses to share with me and discuss his wok problems, so I give my opinion. I am going to avoid giving advice about managing his time though, because I can see why that's annoying and a trigger for an argument.

I have to say I am a bit at loss as to whether your DH is happy for you to be a student or if he wants you to work.
From what you say, he is happy some of the time but always unhappy about it when in an argument.

Maybe you need to start by knowing whether it IS an issue for him or not.
The pressure that you can be under as a some earner has already being covered but surely he should be able to bring that issue up, out of an argument so you can find a solution that will work for you both and for your family?

Atm from where I stand, it looks like you are trying to do what you think is right for the family (SAHM to start with then studying as you couldn't go back) whilst he decides what is best for him like getting a holiday house because he wants it.

I am really wondering what is going to happen when you start working. Is he going to use the fact you are earning much less than him to get his own way in arguments instead if the fact you aren't working atm?

I think like davinci says it will then turn into 'I am the main breadwinner, or moaning if he's having to do childcare or whatever. Certainly my exh big job was so important that it trumped everything else

I'd start outsourcing asap OP. Anyone who is a triathlete in his spare time after working the hours your DH does has never made himself available to do much hands' on parenting. He's hardly likely to cut back when you are establishing your career.

Seems to me the trouble is he only brings this up as a problem during arguments. My DH can be a bit the same - he's like the proverbial head in the sand ostrich most of the time, playing computer games with the DC, watching footie, out with his hobbie (just don't want to out us all saying what it is!) - any issues are never discussed properly. Then we have an argument about something and out it all comes, in a completely un-productive way that I find it almost impossible to engage with, because there's just too much anger around, and not enough listening.
So, try to sit down and talk about the issues when all is calm. Is there a problem he wants to do something about together, or isn't there?
Then if he says all is fine you can remind him of this during the next argument.
Good luck though!